part 02. our changes and the things that stay the same

June 17, 2007, 12:04 PM___
Kyunggi High School___

“Damn, look at that.”

“I know. . Kyuhyun, where did you get this?”

“My cousin got it for me. He’s got all sorts of connections. He got me this even though it’s already supposedly out of print.”

“Her s, man, her s.”

Donghae rolls his eyes internally as he watches his friends gawk all over the magazine Kyuhyun has brought to school for them. They are at the rooftop, where they are safest from the teachers and fellow classmates’ eyes. Hyukjae is biting his lower lip, eyes glued to the star’s s. Sungmin’s mouth is slightly opened, his hand caressing the glossy paper as if he’s touching the real thing. Kyuhyun has this proud smirk on his lips as he watches the two go crazy.

“I can lend it to you both for one night each,” Kyuhyun says smugly. “I’m already done going through the pages after all.”

Hyukjae and Sungmin look up immediately, nodding furiously before gluing their eyes back to the pages. Donghae’s eyes are on the magazine though he isn’t really looking at the photos. He just doesn’t get it – all this hype for . Hyukjae quickly understood it. Three years ago, at age fourteen, he already knew how to hide a stash of DVDs under his bed, only for Donghae to find it, thinking it’s anime and jumping away in terror upon seeing the ladies on the cover. Hyukjae had brushed his reaction off, saying Donghae is probably a late bloomer and that he’ll understand soon enough.

He doesn’t.

“What about you Donghae, do you want to borrow it too?” Kyuhyun asks, easily jolting Donghae out of his dazed reverie.

“I – uh –”

“Don’t bother, Kyuhyun,” Hyukjae interrupts, waving a hand about in the air. “Donghae may be all kinds of evil and violent and all that – ow!” he scowls at Donghae and throws the crumpled piece of paper back at him, before turning to face Kyuhyun, “but when it comes to things like these, he’s innocent. I don’t know, but he doesn’t get it. I think he’s a late bloomer.”

Sungmin looks up curiously at Donghae. “You don’t find interesting?”

Donghae looks away, feeling his face heat up slightly. It isn’t exactly a topic he’s comfortable talking about. “It’s not like that. I just don’t find that,” he points at the photo of the star with her legs wide open, eyes sultry and mouth twisted in a ‘come-hither’ expression, “attractive. Or interesting.”

“Huh,” Sungmin says, brows furrowing in confusion. “That’s so weird. What’s not attractive and interesting in this? It’s practically the best thing on the planet.”

“Leave him alone,” Hyukjae interjects nonchalantly, chuckling as he flips the magazine to the next page. “At least, since Donghae isn’t into stuff like this, that just means more for us, right?”

“Right,” Sungmin nods in agreement as he returns his gaze to the magazine.

Donghae shifts awkwardly on his position, slightly peeved by Sungmin’s questions but relieved that the spotlight is now away from him and that Hyukjae didn’t seem to notice anything. What Donghae doesn’t notice is Kyuhyun’s intrigued glance at his direction.

December 8, 2004, 4:42 AM___
Donghae’s house___

Donghae gasps out loud as his eyes snap open, his breathing irregular and his heart thudding wildly against his chest. Despite the cold weather, his skin is still covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He pants as he sits up, cringing awkwardly as he feels the wet stickiness inside his underwear.

It happened again.

What Hyukjae talked about three months ago happened again today to Donghae. It’s not that he doesn’t understand what’s going on. He’s perfectly aware of this. They call it puberty. Or to be more specific, wet dreams. He’s heard about it from Hyukjae and he has expected this to happen to him as well. When it first happened a month ago, Donghae had been terrified out of his wits. Not because of the experience itself but because of the content of the dream. He has done his research on it and people say it’s okay, it’s normal, it doesn’t mean anything. But it happened again. And again. And again. And now Donghae isn’t so sure anymore.

How can he tell Hyukjae? The thought of keeping things from him makes Donghae immensely uncomfortable and guilty but he does not know how to tell Hyukjae anything about this without getting embarrassed. He has never felt embarrassed with his best friend but because of the dreams, he doesn’t even have to be with anyone to feel so much shame for himself. He wishes his dreams were like every other boy’s, like Hyukjae’s. He wishes he dreamed of girls and s and soft curves and silky long hair.

But he didn’t.

He didn’t, and Donghae does not know what to do with himself. He doesn’t feel normal. He doesn’t feel okay. Something’s wrong with him and he doesn’t know how to tell anyone without making them hate him.

Would Hyukjae hate him?

An image of Hyukjae turning away from him in disgust presents itself in Donghae’s mind, and he unconsciously lets out a small terrified whimper as he pulls his knees close to his chest. He buries his face into his hands as he cries, soft sobs coming out of his slightly parted thin lips as he quietly makes the decision to keep this one secret from his best friend.

July 2, 2007, 4:39 PM___
Kyunggi High School___

“Kyuhyun, can you give this back to Hyukjae if you see him?” Sungmin waves a notebook in the air before tossing it into Kyuhyun’s awaiting hands. He goes back to arranging things on his bag.

Kyuhyun eyes the history notebook before shrugging and stuffing it underneath his arms, along with his other books. “Where are you off to?”

Sungmin gives him a sly smile. “I’m meeting my girlfriend~” he hums suggestively.

“Girlfriend,” Kyuhyun repeats. “Girlfriend. You have a girlfriend?”

“What,” Sungmin pouts, zipping his backpack and slinging it onto his shoulders. “Is it that unbelievable? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Kyu, but this face,” he pats his cheek gently, “is quite a popular face among the university student noonas.”

“Your girlfriend is a noona?” Kyuhyun exclaims, eyes widening. “A university student noona?”

“Shh!” Sungmin places a finger over his lips. “You better not say anything to anyone. Especially Hyukjae! You know how he’s desperate for a girlfriend, he’d get upset if he finds out I already have one.”

“B-But how did you even – what did you do – how did you meet – who –”

“Oh, hush, Kyuhyunie. I’ll see you tomorrow!” Sungmin merely gives him a close-lipped smile before sauntering out of the classroom, waving a hand at his dumbstruck friend.

Kyuhyun blinks at the direction where Sungmin had gone off before shrugging and walking out of the classroom as well. As he walks out of the building, he spots Donghae waiting outside the gym, looking bored and slightly annoyed.

“Hey,” Kyuhyun greets casually, pulling out the history notebook and handing it Donghae, who just gapes at it with a raised brow. “Sungmin told me to give this to Hyukjae.”

Donghae stares at him. “Do I look like Hyukjae to you?”

“No,” Kyuhyun laughs. “It’s just that you two are kind of a package deal. You can’t see one without the other. So seeing you here right now automatically means that Hyukjae is just around somewhere close.”

Donghae makes a face, his nose scrunching up as he takes the notebook. “At the moment, you’re right. He’s in the gym. But we’re not always like that…”

“Sure you aren’t,” Kyuhyun sounds unconvinced. He eyes the gym curiously. “What’s he doing in there anyway?”

“Ogling his new crush or something,” Donghae rolls his eyes exasperatedly. “She’s apparently a cheerleader this time.”

Kyuhyun snorts and shakes his head. “Oh, our dearest Hyukjae. He surely never runs out of ladies to admire.”

“No , I don’t even remember the last time he didn’t have someone he likes,” Donghae huffs and turns to stare pointedly at the gym’s entrance. “What the hell is taking him so long anyway? He said he just wanted to take a quick glance.”

Kyuhyun shifts his curious eyes from the gym to his shorter friend, tilting his head slightly to one side as a thought strikes him. He bites his lower lip, debating internally whether to ask or not. The more curious, or should he say nosy side of him wins. “Donghae,” he starts.

Donghae merely hums in question, eyes laced with irritation still fixed on the gym entrance.

“What about you? Don’t you have anyone you like?”

Donghae immediately looks at him, irritation gone from his countenance as surprise laces his expression. He opens his mouth for a while, as if he’s about to say something, only to close it again as he turns to look at the gym once more, his expression somber.

“I haven’t thought about it,” he answers slowly. “It’s kind of the least of my worries right now. I don’t know, it just never struck me before, and I don’t find it necessary.”

Kyuhyun raises a brow at that answer. Once again, he allows the nosy side of him to emerge as he asks again. “I get that but… have you never seen anyone found them cute or pretty or beautiful or hot?”

“I-I find a lot of celebrities pretty,” Donghae stammers. “And there are a couple of girls in our school too who are pretty. But… I don’t know, that’s just it. I look at them once and think how pretty but I don’t get those feelings Hyukjae gets. Like when he sees a girl so pretty, and then he practically has stars in his eyes and he would literally not stop thinking about them.”

“What about the feeling of wanting to catch someone’s attention?” Kyuhyun asks. “Or just getting nervous when someone is near?”

“I get nervous when the teacher is near and holding test papers,” Donghae deadpans and Kyuhyun palms his face.

He thinks maybe Hyukjae was right. Donghae is a late bloomer.

July 30, 2007, 5:23 PM___
Donghae’s house___

“Oh dear, Hyukjae, you’re soaking wet!”

“H-H-Hi m-mom,” Hyukjae greets Donghae’s mother, his teeth chattering and his lips blue from the cold. He stands on the doorstep, dripping all over the tiled floor as he wraps his arms around his shaking torso. “D-D-Donghae t-told me to c-come.”

“Why didn’t you bring an umbrella?!” she exclaims as she quickly ushers him inside, wrapping him in a freshly laundered towel. “It’s raining cats and dogs outside!”

“I-It s-slipped my mind,” Hyukjae stammers. “S-Sorry.”

“Oh shut it, go to Donghae’s room and change into warm clothes,” she pushes him to the stairs. “I’ll prepare hot cocoa for you.”

“T-Thanks m-mom!” Hyukjae says as he drags his freezing self up the stairs, clutching the white towel closer to his frame.

He turns left to the direction of Donghae’s room and doesn’t bother to knock as he enters. Donghae is on the floor, eyes that were formerly glued to the screen of his small television as he played a videogame on his PlayStation quickly diverting to the doorframe where Hyukjae stood.

“, why didn’t you bring an umbrella?” Donghae practically throws away the controller, uncaring of how he lost the game, as he scrambles onto his feet, stumbling towards his closet to throw Hyukjae a thick, warm white hoodie and a pair of flannel pajama pants. “, I didn’t ask you to come here and get sick.”

“Sh-Shut up, I d-didn’t know it was g-gonna rain,” Hyukjae’s lips are still quivering as he places the war