part 03. stepping across the line

February 14, 2013, 6:29 PM___
Hyukjae’s apartment___

“Hair?”

“Looks good.”

“Outfit?”

“Sleek.”

“My face?”

Sungmin rolls his eyes. “Why does that matter, Hyukjae? No matter what I or anyone else say, you know your date thinks you’re the most gorgeous thing on the planet.”

Hyukjae whips around to face the full body mirror again, uneasily fixing the collar of his white dress shirt, despite the fact that it doesn’t really need fixing anymore. “I-I’m just really nervous right now, Sungmin. I know this isn’t our first date or anything but…”

“Relax, geez,” Sungmin squeezes Hyukjae’s shoulder comfortingly. “It’ll be fine, Hyuk. To others, it may be too soon, but for the two of you, there isn’t such a thing. Definitely not after everything you’ve been through.”

Hyukjae bites his lower lip anxiously, his shaky right hand dipping into the pocket of his dark slacks, fingers curling around a small velvet box. “But what if… what if I get rejected? I’ve had too much of that in middle school and high school Sungmin, what if it happens again?”

Sungmin scoffs. “You think you’d get rejected? By this person, of all people? You’re crazy. The worst that could happen to you is you’ll get sprayed by a mouthful of wine because your date will be too shocked by your proposal.”

“That or I will get killed for even doing something like this.”

“Mhm, that too,” Sungmin nods thoughtfully. “Well it’s either you get killed, or you get accepted or rejected or something in between, like oh my god Hyukjae can I think about it first? Which will lead to acceptance anyway. Rejection doesn’t really sound likely. I mean, come on, we’re talking about –”

Ding dong!

The doorbell rings, effectively interrupting Sungmin’s speech as he turns to face the front door, grinning cheekily. “Well. She’s here. It’s time, Hyukjae.”

Hyukjae groans and exhales deeply, preparing himself and his heart for one of the most nerve-wracking nights of his life, and also his most eventful Valentine’s Day. He never thought a day would come and beat the best Valentine’s Day of his life, when he was just about to begin his third and final high school year and had received his first chocolates. But here it is now. Now, this day is no longer just a special day for receiving chocolates. It is now an important day where he is going to propose to the love of his life.

And Hyukjae could only hope for the best.

Smiling nervously, he signals for Sungmin to open the door.

May 6, 1997, 11:57 AM___
Hayan Elementary School___

Hyukjae and Donghae are sitting on the ground under a tree, sharing their lunch boxes and candies with each other.

Donghae is happily munching on the shrimp Hyukjae gave him when his friend suddenly looks at him and asks, “Donghae, why do you hang out with me?”

The younger boy blinks, still chewing on his food as he answers with a question. “Why joo you ashk that?”

“I…” Hyukjae looks down on his food, awkwardly avoiding Donghae’s eyes. “I made a boy cry yesterday. I hit him with a soccer ball while I was practicing in the park near my house. I didn’t mean it and I said sorry, but he said I’m a bad person. Do you really like hanging out with a bad person?”

Donghae’s eyes are wide and his brows are knitted together as he yells indignantly. “You’re not a bad person! You are the nicest person I know!” He doesn’t notice the thoroughly chewed piece of shrimp shooting out of his mouth. “Don’t believe him, Hyukjae! You’re not a bad person!”

“A-Are you sure?” Hyukjae blinks at him, eyes hopeful and fearful at the same time.

Donghae nods immediately.

“But,” Hyukjae looks away again. “Our other classmates don’t talk to me either. I don’t think they like me.”

“They just don’t know you well, Hyukkie,” Donghae says, frowning. “If they try to be friends with you they will see how nice you are and then all of them will like you, just like I do.”

“Y-You like me?”

“Of course I do!”

Hyukjae smiles. “Thank you, Donghae. I really like you too.”

Donghae grins toothily, though one of his front baby teeth is missing, as he hands Hyukjae a piece of his tangerine. “Here! I don’t usually share my tangerines because they’re my favorite but since you’re Hyukjae, you can have some!”

Hyukjae takes the fruit and beams, his gums and baby teeth (also with one front tooth missing) showing as he hands Donghae a strawberry. “Then I’ll share this to you too!”

They share food and fruits and stories and laughter under that tree for god-knows-how-long until they fall off of it and end up breaking their arms when they enter fourth grade. Although it is a tree they probably wouldn’t visit anymore in the future, it still holds plenty of their first childhood memories with each other. Memories of days when it was so easy to say I like you, as if it means nothing. After all, with such innocence and pure untainted hearts, they only really knew of platonic and familial love.

November 10, 2007, 2:34 PM___
Donghae’s house___

Hyukjae enters the room and tosses himself on the bed beside Donghae, who is leaning his back on the headboard. Hyukjae’s plump lips are forming a small pout as he buries his head into a pillow next to Donghae’s thigh, sighing for the umpteenth time.

Donghae glances down at him from his classic Jane Austen book before adjusting his glasses and asking, “What is your problem now, Lee Hyukjae?”

Hyukjae stares up at him, looking all sorts of miserable as he utters softly, “Donghae, tell me the truth.”

“About what?” Donghae raises a brow.

“Before you bluntly say yes just to make fun of me, please, give it some thought and give me an honest answer,” Hyukjae sniffs. “Am I ugly?”

Donghae’s brows furrow as he quickly closes his book and places it on the bedside table, not forgetting to leave a piece of paper in between the pages, serving as a bookmark. He adjusts himself on his bed and stares at Hyukjae warily. “What brought this on?”

“I just found out that Sungmin had a noona girlfriend before,” Hyukjae mumbles sadly. “They broke up and he is now dating another noona. I mean, how the hell does he even do that?”

“Whoa,” Donghae’s eyes widen at the revelation. “He’s one hell of a noona-magnet, huh?”

“Not only that,” Hyukjae sighs. “Someone confessed to Kyuhyun yesterday. A girl from another school. It’s Kyuhyun, Donghae, Cho Kyuhyun! He gets so much acne sometimes and someone confessed to him, how did this happen?” He groans.

“Kyuhyun is smart, Hyukjae,” Donghae says thoughtfully. “I mean, he joins Math Olympics and like that and he wins against other schools’ representatives. He obviously gets a lot of attention based on that alone. And it’s not like he isn’t good-looking. And Sungmin… he knows how to be cute and charming. Noonas like that, I guess.”

Hyukjae frowns. “And me? What about me? Don’t I have any redeeming qualities? How come no one likes me? Tell me Donghae, am I ugly?”

Donghae bites his lower lip, unsure on how to answer this. His best friend is suddenly being very self-conscious and it looks like his self-esteem is close to plummeting to rock bottom. This has never happened before. Despite constantly getting rejected, Hyukjae has always been optimistic and confident about himself. Donghae has never had to deal with an insecure best friend who thinks he’s ugly when he’s clearly not.

“Are you trying to think of how to make it sound less hurtful?” Hyukjae narrows his eyes. “Just say it. I know I’m not as cute as Sungmin or as intelligent as Kyuhyun anyway. Plus, you’ve always told me I look like a primate. And that I’m stupid. Why don’t you just tell me again now?”

“What the are you blabbering about,” Donghae scowls. “You know that I’m only joking around when I say that.”

“Some jokes are half-meant,” Hyukjae grumbles under his breath, looking away to a random corner of the room.

Donghae is almost offended and is ready to bite out a remark, but the look on Hyukjae’s face stops him. The utter sadness in his expression makes Donghae feel an uncomfortable heaviness on his chest. If there is one thing Donghae hates about life sometimes, this is it. When it makes Hyukjae upset.

“Hyukjae,” Donghae says, and even he is surprised at how gentle his voice sounds. “Hey,” he shakes Hyukjae’s arm, forcing the latter to look at him. “Did you ever mean it when you called me a sea monster and a ? No, right? I know you didn’t so what makes you think I meant it when I teased you as well? Aren’t we just always like that?”

Hyukjae avoids his eyes again, looking down guiltily on Donghae’s hand on his arm.

“So what if they have girlfriends?” Donghae continues. “It doesn’t mean they’re better than you or that you’re ugly. Okay, so you are a little stupid sometimes, but… so am I. And so is Kyuhyun, when he isn’t doing math. And Sungmin, when he’s looking at . And you aren’t ugly, what the hell made you think that, anyway? You’re…” his voice suddenly falters as he struggles to voice out the words, “You’re good-looking.”

Hyukjae looks up at him, eyes wide, and it’s Donghae’s turn to look away in embarrassment. He doesn’t know why, but he suddenly feels exposed and almost shy. Which is ridiculous because when did Lee Donghae become shy around Lee Hyukjae?

Hyukjae moves his head from the pillow to Donghae’s lap and the latter stiffens as he feels his best friend snuggling into him.

“I appreciate that you want to make me feel better but, you don’t have to lie, Donghae,” Hyukjae says softly, closing his eyes as he relaxes, wrapping an arm around Donghae’s soft, warm thighs.

“I’m not lying,” Donghae replies, glancing down at Hyukjae’s peaceful expression. His eyes sweep over the messy dark hair covering Hyukjae’s forehead, the thick eyebrows underneath, the closed single-lidded eyes and long eyelashes, fanned out and casting soft shadows on his cheeks. And then he observes the sharp pointy nose, and the smooth and defined jawline. Lastly, his eyes linger on Hyukjae’s pink, plump lips, dry and slightly chapped but beautiful nonetheless. And Donghae suddenly feels breathless. “You… you really are good-looking.” He whispers, mostly to himself.

Hyukjae hears it and smiles, keeping his eyes closed as he buries his cheek into Donghae’s thigh. “Glad you think so. Now if only all the girls think as you do,” he mumbles as he yawns.

For some reason, Donghae feels slightly annoyed by that comment, so he pushes Hyukjae’s head gently. “Get off, you’re heavy.”

“But you’re warm and fluffy,” Hyukjae whines, clearly half-asleep already as he tightens his hold on Donghae, refusing to move.

The action, paired with such words uttered cutely by pouty lips, causes a familiar fluttery sensation to flood all over Donghae’s senses, and he feels his cheeks heating up as his heart thuds madly against his chest.

He sighs inwardly. This has happened much too frequently the past few months and he knows it’s useless to even fight it. Ever since he has grown aware of the changes in his best friend, Donghae noticed how he has started to react differently to the little things Hyukjae does and says, even though they aren’t even anything new. Hyukjae makes him feel things he never experienced before, and despite admittedly having his dumb moments, Donghae isn’t that stupid to not know what is going on. However, to admit it means defeat. To admit it means he can no longer hide behind a wall of lies and excuses to make himself feel better about these unnatural feelings. Admitting it means he would be crossing a line, and undoubtedly risk the one thing he has always held dear: his friendship with Hyukjae.

His lower lip begins to quiver just at the mere thought of possibly losing Hyukjae, and there’s a stinging in the back of his eyes as well as a painful lump in his throat. And just as he forcefully blinks away to stop himself from doing the inevitable, Hyukjae shifts on his lap and looks up at him in a sleepy gaze.

“You know what, Donghae?” Hyukjae utters softly. “I really am the luckiest primate alive. Because I have you, the great monster of the east sea. I really can’t live without you. I love you~” he grins with all his teeth and gums and makes a stupid heart shape with his hands, and Donghae wants to cry and punch him and kick him and smother him in hugs and kisses all at the same time.

He opts for the second one.

“What the are you saying! Get off!”

“Ow! What the hell, Donghae!”

“Get out! You’re stupid, how can you say things like that so seriously?!”

“What is wrong with that, I really do lov–”

“No! Don’t say it! Shut the up!”

“Ouch! Ow! Okay, okay, you motherer, I take it back! I hate you, you evil sea witch! Goddamn it, stop hitting me!”

Well. Maybe he isn’t risking things, after all. Maybe things could still stay like this. Maybe he can just go ahead and feel this way for Hyukjae without doing anything about it. Maybe he shouldn’t be so scared because even though he now feels differently, he just can’t begin to imagine a life without his primate Hyukjae as his best friend.

After all, Donghae still doesn’t know anything. All he knows is that he likes Hyukjae. Likes him so much his heart would feel like bursting at the mere thought of it. He likes Hyukjae and he doesn’t know of the things that come with it. He doesn’t know that it’s impossible to be content with just staying as a friend, and he doesn’t know that it would hurt to see Hyukjae with someone else.

And so he admits it. He admits it in the corners of his still naïve mind, that he, Lee Donghae, likes his one and only best friend, Lee Hyukjae.

December 24, 2007, 8:29 PM___
Hyukjae’s house___

Hyukjae is sitting on his bed, proudly smiling at the presents he had just finished wrapping. He can’t wait to see his family and friends’ reactions to his gifts and he himself is quite excited to receive things. After all, Christmas is one of the best holidays of the year. Nothing can beat the presents, the food, the overall happy atmosphere that it brings.

Except for when a certain Lee Donghae slams his bedroom door open and stomps into his room, huffing angrily and slumping on his bed.

“Hi?” Hyukjae greets warily, well-aware that Donghae is in a bad mood and therefore, is very dangerous. He must be careful with his words if he wishes to get out of this physically unharmed. “Are you here for your gift?”

He knows it’s the wrong question to ask when Donghae sends him a glare. Hyukjae apologizes meekly before approaching his best friend on the edge of the bed. “It’s Christmas and you look like the Grinch. What’s wrong?”

“I had a fight with dad,” Donghae mutters, arms folded across his chest as he looks down on his lap.

“What happened?” Hyukjae asks, genuine concern evident in his voice as he puts an arm around his friend’s shoulder. “Is this about his work again?”

Donghae nods. “He’s working on Christmas. Can you believe it? He already missed my birthday because of work and now he’s missing Christmas too,” he sighs and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I told him he could at least spend the important days with us, but he tells me I don’t understand. Well I really don’t. I don’t understand why it seems like work is so much more important than us. Does he not love us anymore?”

“Donghae,” Hyukjae pulls him close, caressing his back comfortingly and sighing as he sees Donghae’s lower lip trembling. “You know it isn’t like that. He’s working so he can provide for you and your mom. I’m sure he also wants to spend Christmas with you, but with work getting in the way, he can’t really do anything about it.”

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