Two months of struggle, pain and longing. I don’t even know how I was able to last. My world is still crushing and crumbling down to the point that I don’t see life as wonderful as I see it before. I’m one weak person. I’m sick and my heart is broken. Not even in my wildest dreams have I thought that I’m going to go through all these. When I was a kid, all I want is to meet a man riding a white horse, wearing a very chic outfit like that of a Prince. I’m so fascinated with movies wherein the lead characters get married in the end. I even told Bunny that if I were to get married, I’ll do everything just for my husband and no matter what happens, I will love him with all my heart and being.

To be honest, I can really say that I found my Prince already. Thing is, our worlds are just so far from each other, that no matter what we do it won’t meet in the center. I thought we’ll be able to handle our relationship even if we’re so far from each other, but I’m wrong. Distance wrecked us along with so many things. The trust that we gave fully to each other suddenly faded and next thing we know it, we’re questioning our loyalty and we’re fighting every freakin day just to at least release whatever is in our hearts. I guess when you’re so in-love, you tend to be so petty and quite stupid. Now, my prince has gone. I don’t know if he’s already moved on, but one thing is for sure, I haven’t yet and I don’t think I can.

Living so far from the city is pretty awesome. The people here in Busan are so kind and even though some of them recognize me and still see me as “G-dragon’s girlfriend”, they don’t bug me about it unlike when I was still in Seoul. I’m free from all the people who keep on following and watching every move that I make. Life here is a bit slower but the peace that you can get is priceless.

It’s been two months, it’s a short time but I’ve already changed a lot. My white skin is now sun-kissed and I’m telling you, I’ve never been this tan my whole life. Unlike before, I start my day with watching my mother do Yoga. Now, the moment I get my out of bed, I’ll go out of the house and stay at the beach for I don’t how long. There are times wherein I just stare at the blue and clean ocean or sometimes when childishness kicks in, I bury my feet in the sand as deep as I can. Of course I take pictures of random people, family and the beautiful scenery. If there’s one thing that I discovered about myself, it’s my not-so-good talent in writing songs. I don’t know, but ever since Dad bought me a lyric notebook a month ago, I always try to fill up a page and next thing I know it, I’ve done five songs already. All of them are about my pain and the love that I once felt from a person who gave me his everything.

“I love you Kenken! I love you so much!” he keeps on calling out.

We were at the beach, the smiles on our faces are so beautiful. We look so happy. My heart is beating so damn fast and I’m oozing with love. His voice is making all the nerves in my body shake.

“I love you too!” I called back.

We are a bit far from each other and the moment we started running to lessen the gap, my excitement doubles. Tears are pooling in my eyes because at last, after months of not feeling his warmth, I’m going to feel it again and I’m telling you, I will not let go anymore.

“KENKEN!” he shouted.

What the just happened? Why do I feel like I’m floating on air instead of feeling his warmth? No! This can’t be!

“KENKEN! WAKE UP! BABY! WAKE UP!”

I’m down on the sand with my limp body leaning on him. How can this be? Why am I seeing myself?

And because I’m really curious as to what is happening, I walked towards Jiyong and touched his shoulder. He didn’t even look at me, instead he cried harder.

This can’t be. Don’t tell me that I’m already…….dead.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed on top of my lungs the moment I snapped back to reality.

I was panting heavily, my whole body is sweating and my heart is thumping so hard. I looked around the room, rubbed my eyes and put my hand on my chest to feel if my heart is still beating.

“It’s just a dream” I told myself in a whisper “That was a freakin bad dream” I added.

I don’t know why I suddenly had that nightmare, but I’m praying for it not to happen again. How can I have the sweetest dream of all time with a tragic ending? Is this a premonition of what will happen in the near future?

“Billie!” Dad rushed to me right away.

“What happened? Are you in pain?” he asked, full of worry.

I shook my head and just hugged him. I’m still shaking in fear and my head is giving me these crazy thoughts. Please God, don’t let that dream be a reality.

After that, I don’t know how to start my day right anymore. I feel like I just saw my future. Truth is, I’m grateful coz if it ever happens, I’ll be breathing my last in the arms of G-dragon. At least he’s the last person that I saw before saying goodbye to the world. But if you can only see his face while holding me in his arms and trying to get me back, it’s going to break your heart into pieces. I can feel that he already has a clue that it will happen, but even if he knows it, he hasn’t prepared well for it. I don’t want my life to be this tragic and most especially, I don’t want us to end like that.

“Billie” Dad called.

I looked at him while stabbing the meat on my plate with a fork “Why aren’t you eating?” he asked then looked at the poor meat on my plate “Stop playing with your food” he said and I stopped.

“Dad” I looked straight into his eyes “What will you do if I get worst?” I asked randomly.

My father was in shock. He suddenly went speechless.

“What’s with the question?” he asked while looking at me intently.

I shrugged “I don’t know…I just feel like asking” I answered.

He sighed then reached for my hand “You will be fine…alright? Don’t think of negative things….we’re going to fight this till the end”

It’s really great to have people who are so positive that you’ll still get better, but it’s not that great when you’re the one feeling all the pain just to be fine again. I’m gonna be honest here, I feel that I’m not getting any better. I don’t know, but even with successful treatments, I can still feel my body withering. I’m thinner than when I was in the city. And sad to say, the beautiful locks on my head is now running out. Yes, I’m about to go bald already and it’s the most painful part of it all.

Afternoon came and like the other days, I’m bumming around my dad’s shop again. I don’t even know why I agreed with working here when this is the most boring job ever. I think in the two months that I’ve stayed here as a “saleslady”, I only got five customers.

“I’m going to Yangsan for a while Billie…I already told Ms. Park to look after you till I get home” Dad said and all I did is sigh.

He’s always leaving me with Ms. Park, who is in her mid-60’s already. She’s like my nanny and I must say, she’s really good in taking care of me.

“I’m alone again” I told myself after Dad left.

This is really a drag because I’ve got no friends here. If I can only tell Bunny to live with me, I will but she’s got to work coz her family is counting on her. In all fairness to her and Hyun, they are my regular visitors, they come here three to four times a week with my favorite foods that only the city has.

“Billie-ah….are you hungry already?” Ms. Park said when she walked in the shop.

I looked at her with a smile on my face “Not yet Ms. Park” I answered sweetly, making her smile from ear to ear.

 Eating is really a challenge for me. I don’t know but ever since I agreed to have intense treatments, I lost my appetite, causing me to lose a lot of weight. If you’re going to look at me now, I’m more fragile than I was before.

“Aigoo…yaaa….you need to eat….your father told me that I should force you” she