What do you do when you’re missing somebody so much that all you want is to see even a shadow of him/her?

As time goes by, I’m starting to realize how stupid I really am for letting go of a wonderful person. It’s only been two months since I broke up with her but it feels like two decades already. Usually, I take break-ups lightly and move on easily, but this is a different story.

Billie is one of the few women that appreciated me for who I really am. In her eyes, I’m not G-dragon of Big Bang or YG. She loved me as Jiyong, the bully that broke her heart before in middle school and the man that did everything just to keep her. She is really a great find. A gem that I promised to take care of but sadly, I failed.  Letting her go is like killing my heart. Yes, it’s still in my system but it doesn’t beat and function the way it supposed to. I’m one dumb man who carelessly decided of something so big which broke not only him, but the woman that he loves in bits.

For these past months, days are boring. My life is running in a routine once again and all I do is work, work, and work. Oh well, I’ve got no choice since I have a responsibility to stand up for. I really got to thank the people around me because if it weren’t for them, I’ll be drowned in a pool of sadness already. Going out of the country to do concerts also helped for I was able to get out of my misery even for a few days or hours.

“We’ll be going to Europe….do you know that?” Youngbae asked while we’re driving to the airport.

We are now in China and is going back to Seoul. I’m not excited though, because I know that I will not have anyone to go home to anymore.

“Really? When?” I asked, uninterestedly.

“According to manager hyung it’ll be on the month of December” he answered.

I know why Youngbae is telling this to me. The members and all of the closest to me knows that Billie went to London two months ago to run away from the heartache and maybe move on from what I did to her. I’ve always wanted to go there. If you only know how I begged Hyun Suk hyung to give me even three days break just for me to be able to go to London. Sadly, he didn’t permit me because I’ve got a lot of things to do here and looking for Billie in a big place, without even a bit of a clue on where she’s staying is like looking for a needle in a crowded place.

If you’re asking if her running away from me is painful, of course it is. Actually, it’s much painful that breaking up with her. Why? Because I know that when I broke up with her, there’s still a chance to get her back but with her being in a far-away land, I don’t even know if I will see her ever again.

“Hyung!” Seungi called out.

I turned to look at him. He’s running towards me with an envelope in hand “What?” I asked.

“This fell off your bag” he handed me the envelope while panting.

“Is that the letter Billie gave you?” TOP hyung asked while looking at the envelope in my hand.

I gave a nod then sighed “Yes hyung” I answered.

A week after our break-up, I received a letter from Billie with a self-written song and a heart breaking message. I don’t know, but after reading it, I hurt more. I treated it as her parting letter to me and it’s really a drag coz even though I know that what she’s wrote is different from what her heart is telling her, each and every word on that paper are like sharp daggers being stabbed deeply into me.

After a few hours, I’m finally home. My apartment that was once warm is now cold for the woman who is taking care of it is now gone. I haven’t touched anything yet since she left. Her clothes in my closet are still there as well as the things that she brought whenever she decides on staying here for the night. I know that I should get rid of them already since it will just make me more miserable, but I can’t, because deep inside my heart, I still have hopes that she will come back to me.

“Jiyong!”

All the nerves in my body shoot up the moment I heard someone call me. She sounds so much like Billie.

Excited and anxious, I went out of my room right away to check if it was really her.

“Huh?” I looked around the apartment, searching for the one who called me but saw no one.

Don’t tell me that I’m going insane already because I swear, I heard someone who has the same voice as Billie called my name awhile ago.

“Kenken!” I continued searching only just to disappoint myself.

I sighed heavily then plopped on the couch “I think I’m losing my mind already” I said with my head resting back “AAAAAAAAHHHH!” I screamed then punched the throw pillow beside me.

This is pretty alarming. I’m hearing things that I think my imagination is bringing me. I guess I really shouldn’t stay here for long coz I have a feeling that once I stay here even just for a few more hours, I’ll end up in a mental institution already.

My heart is always calm whenever I’m in the studio with the company of the hyungs and members. They are the ones that I can talk to whenever I’m being bothered by the pain and I’m so thankful for they are really understanding and helpful to me. I once cried so hard in front of them and they are joining forces just to pull me out of hell. Well, they always do that whenever I’m in deep but this is just so different. I’m not wrecked because of a petty mistake that I’ve done, I’m wrecked because of love and they never stop in talking me out of it.

“Aigoo….you’ve gone really crazy already” Teddy hyung said after hearing my story.

I smirked “I swear Hyung…I heard someone call me….actually…I heard Billie…no …it’s really her voice” I told him, making the members shake their heads.

“Yaaa….how can it be Billie when she’s oceans apart from here?” TOP hyung asked and I just gave out a sigh.

“You know what? I think…you really have to get her out your mind already….I mean….look at what’s happening to you now…you’re losing your marbles and it’s not good anymore” Youngbae said.

I shook my head “I’m not yet ready to forget her”

They smirk “The question here is….are you even capable of forgetting her?” Teddy hyung asked then sighed “Jiyong….I know you…moving on after a break-up is easy for you….you’ll just work your off for a few weeks then next thing you know it you’re already fine…but now….I don’t know….I have a feeling that it’ll take you a long time to recuperate from the pain” he continued.

TOP hyung and Youngbae nod their heads in agreement “You’re not like before who snaps out of a heartbreak easily….and I even have a feeling that you will not even snap out this time….but…Jiyong….you have to….coz…if you’re going to keep Billie in your heart when you know so well that the possibility of you getting back together again is slim….you’ll not be able to open your heart to anybody again” Youngbae said in his usual calm voice.

“I agree” TOP hyung followed “Jiyong….I know that you’ve given your all to Billie….and vice versa…but…maybe this is the time wherein you have to treat what you had as a good memory...she may still be a part of your present now….but sooner or later…she’ll be your past that you should never look back at….how will you open yourself to people again if you’re locking yourself in a box already? All you’ve got to do is pray that she’s doing well….that she’s happy and that she may find a man who will love her more than you do”

Billie is always in my prayers. I ask God to keep her safe and healthy, but I will not even pray for him to give her a man because I want to be the only man in her life. Yes, we are so far away from each other now, but after all my commitments, I’m going to look for her no matter what. If I have to flip the whole of London just to see her, I will.

After talking, we got down to business already. Youngbae and I are recording tracks for our upcoming solo albums and TOP hyung is just hanging out before he goes to his movie filming. I don’t know, but I have a feeling that my second solo album will be full of pain and heartache. Oh well, whatever its result may be, what’s important is I was able to share to the people what I really feel and I think that’s the most important thing because musicians talk through their music and they need to be felt to be able to touch their listeners hearts.

“That’s a wrap!” Teddy hyung said after listening to the tracks that we’ve recorded.

It’s still early and there’s no way that I’m going home. I’d rather stay here the whole night than be in my apartment where all I can do is think, think and think.

Everybody left for lunch and I just chose to listen to the track that I’ve recorded to check if I didn’t miss out anything. There are times wherein you feel like it’s already perfect and once you listen to it again, you’ll be able to spot if not one, a gazillion mistakes in the track. It’s much like a relationship. All this time, you thought you’ve got a good one, perfect and envy worthy, then next thing you know it, you’re as wrecked as it can be.

“Jiyong”

Here comes the calling once again but this time, it’s a man. I’m telling you, this is freaking me out already.

I opened my eyes lazily to check if someone is really calling me “Hyung” I called upon seeing my manager.

Whew! I thought I’m going insane already. Manager hyung is looking at me excitedly, making me curious.

“Someone wants to see you” he said, building my curiosity more.

The last time that I had an unexpected visitor was when Billie’s lawyer came here to give me her studio and money to pay for her debts to me.

Maybe this person is important since manager hyung is the one who walked him/her here. Now I wonder who it is.

“Kenken” I gasped in shock upon seeing her.

This is really a surprise. I don’t even know how to react. She’s in front of me when we’re just talking about her awhile ago. Oh please! Let her be real! I’m done with my imagination making me hear and see her.

“I’m real….this is really me”

I know that staring at someone is really rude, but I just can’t help it because she still looks unreal to me. I feel like I’m experiencing an apparition or something, but when she gave me a smile, that’s when I believed that she’s really the girl that I love because her radiant smile that I admit is a bit weak now, made my heart skip a beat.

 “She lied to you….I didn’t went to London….I was just in Busan all this time”

I cannot believe this! How can her mother lie to me? All this time I was grieving because I know that the possibility of us seeing each other again is so slim already. I was even ready to give up my career just to look for her and this is what they did to me? Yes, I do love her family but after this, I don’t know anymore. How can they hide her from me? How can they make me suffer? Oh! Maybe this is their way of revenge. One more thing that I cannot take is Billie letting her parents lie to me.

“Jiyong….she’s a mother….she felt my pain or even more than it….keeping me away from you is the only thing that they can think of for us not to hurt each other more”

At this poi