How do you handle something that you know so well can be handled but is just so hard and complicated? I swear, if ever this test is positive, I’ll hide in a cave first where Mummy cannot find me. I don’t know, but I’m really torn about wanting to have a baby and not having one, at least for now. Yes, babies are a blessing and a living proof of you and your partner’s love for each other, but I really think that a baby is not yet for us. G-dragon and I are just starting to build a good and strong relationship, we still got a lot of things to do and goals to achieve as well, being parents this early will totally hold us back to these things and will certainly change the game of our lives.

“You nervous?” G-dragon asked while waiting for the result.

I must admit, having me checked in a hospital is not what I really want, simply because I’m sure that if we get caught going in a OBGYN clinic, rumors about me being pregnant will ring the bell and articles with false or non-reliable news will be out in public even before we learn what’s my real situation is.

“Jiyong….look at me” I turned my half body to him then look straight into his eyes “Do I look cool to you?” I asked, receiving a heavy sigh from him.

It’s not only me who is nervous coz it’s pretty obvious that he is sharing the same feelings as me.

He scooted close to me then wrapped his arm around my shoulder “There’s nothing to be nervous about….alright? Yes….I know that once this turns out to be positive….we don’t have a choice but to take and face Mummy’s rage….but Kenken...” he cupped my face with both hands “We’ll face it together….I will not let you deal with her alone….I promise you that”

Actually, if ever I’m pregnant, Mummy will have no choice but to take reality in and accept my child for it’s her own blood and flesh as well. Not only that, she knows so well that Jiyong is a good man and he has proven himself to her a long time ago already.

“What if I’m really positive?” this question made my whole body quiver.

“Then we’ll celebrate!” more than being afraid, G-dragon is excited about this and I can really see that he wants this so badly.

This is the longest thirty minutes of my life. I’m telling you, my nerves are going wild.

“Ms. London” the moment I heard my name, my hands started sweating, my heart feels like it’s gonna jump out of my body and my mind going blank.

The doctor that tested me is a good friend of the Kwons. G-dragon brought me here because we want all this to be a secret first and it’s easier to make this possible with someone who is close to the family and will not spill even a tiny bean of what’s happening now.

“So Billie….” The doctor started, making me more nervous “the result says….”

This is really happening, right? She’s about to break the real deal already and it’s driving me and G-dragon crazier than ever. Both of us are fidgeting and our souls had left our bodies as well.

The doctor cleared then took a deep breath.

“It says….” she looked at the paper once again “Negative” she said then gave out a small smile.

Negative. This is such a relief but at the same time, saddening. If before I am torn between wanting and not wanting a baby. Now, I’m wishing for it to be positive. I don’t know, maybe I’m feeling like this because I know that G-dragon wants this so badly and I really don’t want to see him so disappointed.

Going out of the clinic with a heavy heart and emotionally wrecked, big time. G-dragon and I are not even saying a word and just sat opposite each other in the lobby of the hospital.

The silence is deafening and I can’t seem to pull things up no matter how I want it.

“Jiyong” I called but he’s so out of his element to even give a damn on me.

I stood up then transferred beside him “Let’s go now…we still got a lot of work to do” I said then gave him a small smile.

He sighed heavily “No….we’re not going home yet” he finally speak up.

I looked at him in confusion “Huh?”

“Kenken….I want you to be checked by a doctor again….this time it’s not to know if you’re pregnant or what….I want to know why you’re feeling sick always” he answered.

I agreed to be checked after cancelling my commitments for this afternoon. I’ve got two shoots to attend to and I feel so bad because I can’t do them. But then again, my health is much important. Actually, I’m thinking of having myself checked as well just to know why I’m always feeling sick.

I undergo another round of blood test and whatnots. Good thing I’m not afraid of needles, but the mere fact that I’m in a hospital is stressing me out.

We waited for I don’t know how long again. I swear, if something comes up that is not that good, I don’t know what to do anymore.

“OK Ms. London” the doctor said while scanning the results.

He looked at G-dragon then at me “Your tests are good….they’re normal….but I’m really alarmed with your Anemia….are you even aware that you have it?” he asked.

G-dragon looked at me worriedly and I just smiled at him.

I gave a nod “Yes….but….I’m not giving much attention to it since it’s not that serious….right?” I asked with a drop of fear in my voice.

“Well…in your case….your Anemia was caused by decreased or faulty of the red blood cell production….it’s not that serious for it can be cured by medicines….what’s alarming is….you also have a blood infection….and it’s also one reason as to why your blood cell production is quite slow”

How much worst can things be?

“Your nausea and feeling weak and sick is because of all these….but….this’ll just take a few months of medications and you’re gonna be good again….all you have to do is rest more than you work” the doctor shared and the moment I heard his last words, I suddenly felt bad.

Does this mean that I need to lay low on work? Gosh! It’s just now that I’m being so active and somewhat known, and here comes this blood thing, ruining everything. One more thing, I just can’t lay low on work because my family needs enough budget to live.

“Doc…is she really going to be fine after the medications?” G-dragon is dead worried, his eyes is telling it so.

The doctor gave a nod “Yes....there’s nothing to worry….she just have to follow my advice of resting” he answered.

After that, my mind can’t stop from thinking of things on how to continue working even with a worst Anemia and Blood infection. It already came from the doctor, it’s not serious and it’s curable, there’s nothing to be paranoid and worried about. I just wish that G-dragon won’t ask me to stop working.

“Billie Kennedy London” he called while driving back to Jang Hyun Sajangnim’s studio.

I looked at him “What?” I asked.

“What are your plans now? You’re asked by the doctor to rest more than you work” he said and it made my mind blank.

To be honest, I don’t have any plans of stopping work. First off, being a photographer is not that stressful. Well, it depends but most of the time, we’re laid back. Secondly, I know my body and I’m assuring you, it’s all good, I may be weak now but once I sleep this off, I’ll be fine again. Last but not the least, I know my limitations, I’ll stop once I feel crap and will not even push myself to go on with work if I can’t anymore.

“Nothing….I don’t have plans at all” I answered, making him look at me.

“I expected that” he said, making me chuckle.

“Jiyong” I moved closer to him then rested my head on his shoulders “I know that I’m being a stubborn once again….but….things are cool….I’m gonna be fine and don’t worry….I’ll take the doctor’s advice…I’m going to rest…but….I’m not going to lay low on work coz I’ve got a long list of c