Taeyeon ran a nervous hand quickly down her hair, crumpling it to shape. Her long blond locks were tousled from the haste in which she had made to get here on time, and the shamrock green highlights on the ends only served to highlight her general state of dishevel.

“I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.” She bowed once again, feeling the ends fall over her shoulders, conveniently draping over the sides of her face to shield it partially from the glare she was receiving.

She could practically memorize every detail and every contour of her beige high top sneakers by now. How the dirt clung onto the soles of her shoes, and how her grey socks were peeping shyly out like children leaning against the door, listening in anxiously as their parents fought – wanting in on a bit of action and yet fearing the very same. There was an especially obscene spot of dirt on the top of her heel on her left shoe. Was it part of a shoe print? Ah then it was probably from when Hyoyeon had kicked her after -

Someone seemed to have turned the volume of the constant buzz in her background down. She shifted into autopilot.

“I should have been more careful not to…”

Screw up so badly. Let others screw me up so badly. Give my heart away so easily. Get my heart broken so easily. Take your pick.

She heard the sigh.

It was all too familiar to her now. It was either an expression of disappointment, or a mixture of disappointment and exasperation, or a mixture of disappointment, exasperation and regret, but – bottom-line – it was always disappointment. And everyone always sighed around her. They sighed because of her.

“I expected more from you…”

Gee. You and everyone else on this universe sajangnim. You and everyone else.

“I’m very sorry.” Instinct bent her back before her mind could catch up. Inwardly, she patted herself on the back for a job well done. Any hesitance on her part in prostrating herself on the floor in reflection – both literally and metaphorically - would probably translate to another lecture session, and while she had developed the ability to tune them out the years, there was a dull but throbbing ache developing in her calf muscles from standing rooted to the same spot for almost an hour.

She chanced a glance at the back of the strapping figure that was her company president before rolling herself ever - so - silently on the balls of the feet, the movement functioning like a warm spring breeze over her frozen muscles.

“You are the leader Taeyeon.”

Never wanted to be.

She caught the words by the tail-end and wrenched them back before they slipped out of .

“You need to stop being so idiotic and get a grip on things over here!”

“I understand sajangnim. I am very sorry.”

She bowed again.

And she thought of the hiking trips her family used to take before her three hour-long trek to Seoul and back for practice brought an end to that. There was a particular one that she remembered, from when before Hayeon was born. She had gone scamping around with Jiwoong oppa and they had spotted a bunch of boys throwing twigs and stones at a puppy that had its paw caught in the moss on the river bed. She could not forget how resigned it had looked in its helplessness and the anger just coursed through her veins. Even if it was just a puppy, how could it take it lying down like this? Even if it was just a puppy, couldn’t it stand up for itself? Even if the enemies seemed so big and strong, wasn’t there merit in trying? So while she had chased the boys away with Jiwoong’s help she refused to take the puppy home. She thought spending some time out in the wild would help it grow a backbone.

And she thought it was ironic how the tables were turned and now the fight was stripped from her. Was this part of growing up or was it just life in general? If it were the latter she would like to be done with it sooner rather than later, please and thank you, because it was ing exhausting. Her head was spinning, and it had been such an incredibly long day.

“You were supposed to make sure all 8 of those kids toed the line and report to me immediately if they didn’t!”

Kids. She snorted inwardly. Only they themselves were allowed to call each other that – only the 9 of them. It was sometimes used as an insult that they lobbed amongst each other in a way only old friends could - as a not-so-subtle dig at the maturity of the person it was directed to - but mostly, it was used as a term of endearment, and to hear it being twisted in such a context was actually a stark reminder of her circumstance.

You actually meant monkeys didn’t you. Or maybe you meant clowns.

“I was foolish and inadequate. I am sorry,” Taeyeon’s mumbles were soft and light against the heaviness of the still concrete walls. How many times now had she apologized? And just how many more times did she have to before he would lay off their case? But then apologizing was words, and words were cheap. After yesterday she was all too familiar with just how cheap words were. Words were just words, and sorry and forever and love were just words too, and they were all cheap, so she could well afford to pay the price.

“Don’t you know Girls’ Generation is only what it is because you’ve remained accessible to your fans? Don’t – even for a moment – think that you pests will survive without this concept and this image that we sculptured for you!” She stood unflinching as he grabbed her face with his hand, digging his ugly fingers roughly – painfully - into her chin as he vehemently tilted it upwards to meet his eyes.

Really now. She thought dryly in the safety of her mind. Wasn’t their – dare she say it? – pretty faces part of their concept as well?

Dragging her forward by his grip on her chin she stumbled as he pulled her and pressed the side of her face viciously against the glass pane. She hissed as the side of her face burned when it knocked into the glass.

“Look outside. Don’t you see the crowd of trainees in this building? I can have you guys replaced in a second. I can destroy what I built in a heartbeat, and then what will you guys do then?” His voice was a hiss beside her ear.

Always going for the dramatic.

“I am very sorry.”

She wondered if this was what a broken record sounded like. Or maybe if it would really be better if she had taped it and played it over and over again on her smartphone. What would you call that then? Would it be broken? And so if her heart kept going back to what was hurting her then would that make it broken too?

He flung his hand away from her face like it was dirt, whipping it to the left.

She took a second to collect herself as he stalked off, pacing restlessly in the office. Was it over now? Surely it was over now. She snuck a glance at the door knob - an ugly speck of bronze against the maroon settings. She didn’t know how much longer she could take it. She was exhausted.

“Tiffany must be punished.”

“W-what?”

“I expressively told her that if any news of her relationship leaked to the public - that she would get it from me. And yet she still went ahead with all these ridiculous couple items.”

“We can’t have this affect the group’s image. Deny the rumors – put out news that they’re just friends and that the items were sponsored from the same advertiser.” He barked to the associate who had been trying to blend into the wall.

“In the mean time she will go on a hiatus. Get her to stay out of sight - send her back to America or something. Girls’ Generation will perform as an 8-member group until further notice.”

“…No.” Taeyeon mumbled, her voice staggering with the implications of this action.

That would kill Tiffany.

“What?”

“I said no. You can’t do that.” Louder this time.

He towered over her and in that moment she was the one who was tangled in moss, and the twigs and rocks were raining on her. It reminded her not to judge others so quickly because it was true that the world could be oh-so-scary, your enemies could be oh-so-ruthless, and this industry that she was married to was oh-so-ing-unforgiving. There were always extenuating circumstances that you would not be aware of. It was hard to be human after all, so maybe it was hard for the puppy too, because everyone was always fighting a battle of some sort every single day.

She picked herself off the ground slowly, running her hand quickly across her cheek.

Tangled up in moss. Yes. How apt.

But she reckoned the fundamental issue with that puppy was that they didn’t threaten it with something it loved.

“Doing so would basically mean admitting that she is in a relationship – and we can’t have that right?”

She could barely reach the height of his shoulder despite puffing herself up.

She wondered if she looked equally pathetically from his point of view as she did from hers. And she wondered if he could smell her fear from under the thick layer of perfume.

“Besides, don’t we have contractual obligations to perform as 9 in various countries? I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how much compensation we would have to fork out if we appeared as 8 instead. Not to mention those for Tiffany’s solo activities.”

She watched the frown spread across his face and knew she had hit jackpot with that.

“Are you threatening me Kim Taeyeon?”

The hand returned to grip her face.

She refused to avert her gaze.

“I’m just stating the facts. If you haven’t noticed, sajangnim, she’s twenty-four this year. No one in the right mind would truly believe that none of us have relationships. And at the rate celebrity scandals are blasting out left and right this little rumor will blow over in a few days if you’d just let it be.”

She let out a weary sigh, feeling every second of the past thirty-odd sleepless hours nestle deeply into her bones. Man, you know what? She was just too tired to give a damn.

“I just… don’t see the need for you to get your in a bunch sajangnim.”

Silence.

Oh crap. How did that slip out? That definitely wasn’t supposed to happen.

Funny. It was actually possible to be drunk on Dutch courage. She braced herself. Detention, disembowelment or disownment? Kekekeke. Wait why was this even funny - wait - the exhaustion must be addling her brain because she was really, truly, screwed this time - well since she was, she would like to be dressed in her favourite blue blouse when they sent her off and if you would please not tell her family members because she couldn't have them worry and - wait - in the corner of her eye she could see the edge of his mouth twitch.

“Taeyeon, Taeyeon, Taeyeon.” He chuckled.

"I thought I had seen all in this office - when you threaten people with their dreams... you know, you are very quickly acquainted with the uglier side of human nature. But this here - is a first." 

He walked to his desk, still smirking away. 

“Business aside, I actually like you, you know. And with your vocals, you could be so much greater," he gestured towards the elaborate maroon and gold drappings but her eyes just fell back on the door knob, "as a solo artiste." 

"You don't have to keep sacrificing for them. Think about your own future." 

Why were they round? And they really could do better than that shade of bronze couldn't they? 

“…This will be her last chance. You may go.”

She collected her scattered guts around her and bowed for a last time, digging deep for the strength to keep her legs sturdy as with each step. The door knob was her centre, holding her loosely together like an autumn leaf holds onto its stalk.  

Seohyun’s outstretched arms were welcoming her the moment she stepped out of the office.

“I fixed it. Don’t worry – I - t-told you I got it.” Her words were slurring.

“Taeyeon saves the day.” She smiled. Maybe she wasn’t as worthless then.

Safe in Seohyun’s warm embrace, she gave in to the exhaustion. Letting it take her hand and lead her gently into the darkness that she had been holding back by sheer will.

Her last thought was of how beautiful the tears sparkling in Tiffany’s eyes were.

------------------------------

Tiffany slipped herself gently into the room and padded softly towards the prone figure curled up in a fetal position, a pile of blankets lay crumpled and forgotten at her feet.

Of course, her bad habit of kicking her blankets off.

A soft smile graced her lips before she could help it and she pressed her fingers to them in astonishment. In the 32 hours and 40 minutes that Taeyeon had slipped from her grasp she thought she had permanently lost the ability to even feel some semblance of happiness, much less express it.

“Taengoo.”

How much more guilt could color her tone? She had responded to the president’s summons in light of their absent leader while the article raged on like wildfire but when she arrived at the office, trembling with apprehension and leaning against Seohyun for support, she had found out that Taeyeon was already in talks with him.

She had come back – like Tiffany always knew she would. She had come back - even though she could have swooped past the plains without a care of the world and those who had disappointed her. And she had stayed – even though she could have had everything she wanted with the clout that her vocal prowess had bought her in the company. What defined Taeyeon’s leadership, Tiffany thought, were not her actions in itself, but all these even thoughs that she had had to stand defiantly against and shoot dead as they whispered incessantly in her ear.   

She had come back, and there was one more dead-weight dropped upon the already vastly unbalanced scale that was their relationship.

She bent down to collect the blanket and draped it gently over Taeyeon’s body. Pulling Taeyeon’s arms out gently to ensure they didn’t get trapped under the blanket, she folded the corners so it came to an end just a little bit below Taeyeon’s shoulders. Taeyeon didn’t like it too high. She always said it made her feel mummified and would then proceed to make morbid jokes about why – did Tiffany not feel that their career was suffocating enough and wanted her to suffocate in her sleep too?

Tiffany couldn’t resist – the pull could be gravitational for all its strength – and her trembling long fingers slid up to place feather-like touches to Taeyeon’s face and forehead. That flawless white skin that even Taeyeon herself was proud of was not marred by frowns that creased the otherwise smooth surface.

She was so peaceful in sleep.

And Tiffany could stay like this forever, just looking at her.

Just looking at her.

Oh.

An eye-lash had fallen loose from its home and was resting on Taeyeon’s cheek.

Tiffany leant in and blew softly so it fluttered away.

When they had asked her how she would like to wake up with her lover in the future she had replied honestly that she would like to see their eyes the first thing every morning.

The eyes were the windows to the soul, they said. And so she was glad that her trade-mark eye smile act would hid them because she usually smiled the brightest when she had the most to hide. It was a neat trick.

And she wondered if her mother had to use it often too.

That could go onto the back of a long list of questions she would send to Heaven.

Because see, she wondered a lot lately. She wondered if her mother always knew whom she loved, and who to love. She wondered if her mother had loved hard. And she wondered what her mother would do if she were in her shoes.

She knew she was hurting everyone with her indecisiveness.

Was there a reason why she had chosen to keep in contact with him? Was there a reason why she had kept all the memories with him? Was there a reason why she didn’t stop using the items they bought together?

She didn’t know.

No. No. Actually she knew.

The ring on her fourth finger burned accusingly.

Then the mutterings started.

“Today… Let’s become closer friends on Taeyeon’s Chin Chin… Hello, I’m SNSD’s Taeyeonnnnnaah… ”

Tiffany chuckled.

“I know baby. I know.”

She reached over to clasp Taeyeon’s right hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, and watched as it took effect immediately. The mutterings were subsiding to soft murmurs that trailed off lightly to cute snores.

She marveled at the warmth that was radiating from their hands. The spaces between their fingers were always such a perfect fit. She had never bothered trying to hold the hands of her other members in the same way that she always held Taeyeon’s – with everyone else she just sort of clasped their hands together and held them. There wasn’t favoritism of any sort. Rather, it was simply because she knew no one else would be such a perfect match – so why even try?

Because Taeyeon always made it so easy for her.

But Tiffany always made it difficult for herself.

See, she couldn’t be sure.

She didn’t know if this – this love that she had for Taeyeon was of friendship – albeit a deeply intense and strange one – or of love-love? It was for this reason that she had not met Taeyeon’s eyes when the latter first asked this question that night a million light years ago when she confessed. Taeyeon seemed so sure of her feelings then that there wasn’t any way Tiffany could have replied in the alternative even though she couldn’t dust away that tingle of doubt. But then Taeyeon was always sure and she had years to come to accounts with her orientation. Tiffany had a night. And then there was their comeback, and their mornings blurred into evenings and days blurred into months and when he asked her why she no longer met up with him she had brushed him off with excuses related to their busy schedule instead of a straight and clean break-up that she had told Taeyeon she did.

It was like subconsciously, she had already decided that he would be her plan B.

And she hated herself for it.

“This is what I meant when I said I don’t deserve you, Taeng.” She whispered into the darkness as she unclasped her hold on Taeyeon’s hand and traced the outline of Taeyeon’s ring lightly with her finger.

“I don’t deserve you.”

In front of a Taeyeon who was so willing to give her all for their love, she was a five-year old boy with too many toys in the box.

“No…”

Taeyeon squirmed restlessly in sleep. The blanket fell over her shoulders.

“No… No… you can’t do that.”

Beside Tiffany’s, Taeyeon’s hand jerked involuntarily.

Her breathing picked up a pace.

It started again. It was always worse the second time.

There was a lot more to Taeyeon’s sleep talking than they had let known. Taeyeon had insisted that it was in the name of protecting their fans, but if she were to be honest, Tiffany always felt that it was nothing but a convenient excuse for their leader to avoid facing up to the problem. Taeyeon always had issues facing up to her problems when they were personal. It was almost as if she felt that she could deal with pain as long as they were on her own body – her own mind – or her own soul.

But Tiffany thought she had seen the last of this as the dark year of 2008 – the period that they never spoke of - faded into 2009.

Apparently not.

Taeyeon’s hands were now clenched tightly into fists.

Shaking.

The frown was mirrored on both their faces.

“No, I said NO!”

Panicking, Tiffany eased herself under the blankets and lifted Taeyeon’s head off her pillow to rest gently on her lap. Her left hand circled around Taeyeon’s waist protectively while her right massaged the latter’s scalp, making soothing circular motions around the long blond locks. She felt the other freeze - time seemed to come to a stand-still – and then slowly, very slowly, she felt Taeyeon relax in her embrace.

Sending a silent prayer up to the heavens in thanks that this age-old method still worked she closed her eyes and leant back against the headboard, watching Taeyeon’s lips twitch, and listening to the dittany of soft murmurs that she couldn’t decipher. Swaying her body gently from side to side, she hummed an old English tune that her father was fond of using when she herself was 10 and in that position, the whole time rocking Taeyeon back into restful sleep.

And she wondered if this wasn’t love.

Well, that could go onto the back of that list, too. 

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A/N: Let me know how you feel about this, please?