“SAITAMA ~ LET ME HEAR YOU MAKE SOME NOISE!” Tiffany shouted in the microphone while bouncing around the stage.

The stadium exploded.

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” She teased.

The crowd roared back in retort and Tiffany dissolved into cute giggles that were amplified through her microphone.

Taeyeon found herself staring at Tiffany and caught herself before any fan cams could. Tiffany’s infectious enthusiasm was saving the day once again.

They were finally on their second last Arena tour and they were barely holding on - to say the very least. Yoona and Sunny were down with an onset of flu and fever, while she herself and many of the others were nursing a sore throat. Yoona had missed several of her parts in the song when she had been plunged into coughing fits that would not dissipate even with Seohyun rubbing her back constantly, and Taeyeon’s voice had cracked on multiple occasions with her coarse throat affecting her voice.

She was feeling extremely apologetic to the Saitama audience for their less-than-stellar performance today but was glad that Tiffany was here to hold the fort together for them.

She knew that uninitiated observers often felt offended at Tiffany’s loud display. She had read comments online accusing Tiffany of trying to steal the show from her members and turning it into a ‘Tiffany feat. Girls’ Generation’ concert. But they couldn’t be further off from the truth.

Everything Tiffany did was for the team.

Taeyeon narrowed her eyes as she saw the rest of her members rush to the center stage and quickly ran after them. She couldn’t be alone. They couldn’t leave her here alone or…

She shoved those thoughts aside. Tonight she would be free of them.

“A-yo Saitama!” Tiffany shouted as all nine of them linked their arms together, basking in the attention as they stood center-stage. The waves of the pink ocean swirled vigorously as if in response and she felt the rush threaten to overwhelm her. It was for this very reason that she continued to put up with all the that she had to do to get here. It was for the same reason that they always returned, no matter how long or how comfortable they were at their individual acting or MC-ing or variety show guestings, to the stage where they all belonged.

Because no matter how tired they were, as long as they were on stage, they could always borrow the strength from the exuberant faces that populated the stadium. She looked into those faces keenly and tried to memorise them. The best part of having a solo concert like this was knowing that each and every one of the 20,000 strong audience had come from to love and cherish Girls’ Generation as much as she had.

And Taeyeon knew that she would continue singing as long as there was one person in the world who was willing to listen to her sing.

No matter how hard it was.

She swallowed back her fear.

“Thank you Saitama! Thank you!” All nine of them chorused and Taeyeon bent her back in-sync with her other nine sisters.

Because singing with her girls made her feel so alive.

-------------------------

“Unnie, watch your step here.”

All seven of them crowded around Yoona who was leaning onto Seohyun for support as the maknae gently guided her to step into their dormitory, rubbing her back soothingly as the latter coughed feverishly.

After the concert had ended they had made a hasty return to Korea, trudging tiredly past the unforgiving paparazzi at the airport to make it in time for Jessica to perform for Legally Blonde, and for Sooyoung to return to MC-ing for Hanbam tomorrow. But the flight and the haste seemed to have taken a toll on all of them; Yoona’s condition in particular, seemed to have deterioriated after the concert.

“Yoong-ah…” Yuri murmured sympathetically as she brushed some fallen hair off Yoona’s forehead. They sat in silence – all of them too tired to initiate conversation.

Feeling like she should say something, Taeyeon rallied her team of eight others. “We did well guys,” she smiled at the seven blank and sleepy looks she was receiving. She was feeling pretty blank herself now that she was at the receiving end of eight pairs of eyes.

Uhm… what should she say now?

“We did well,” echoed Tiffany as she smiled, slipped her hand into Taeyeon’s and she continued without missing a beat. “Now go get some sleep. Jessi, don’t forget your schedule tomorrow is at 10am. Set your alarm and no sleeping in. Soo, yours is at 8am. Seob, please help Yoong to her room Taengoo and I will get her some medicine and food.” She waved them away, lightly shoving Sooyoung on the back as the taller muttered something under her breath about the pains of having your manager live in the same dormitory as you.

“What would I do without you,” Taeyeon smiled at her other half as she trailed the latter into the kitchen.

“Absolutely fine my dear,” Tiffany turned her head to return the smile before diverting her attention back to the cabinets where they stocked their medicine. She bent down to pull open the bottom drawer and rummaged through the bottles trying to retrieve the right one, unknowingly presenting Taeyeon with a rather irresistable sight.

Looking behind her to check that no one had followed them into the kitchen, Taeyeon slipped her hands into the back pockets of Tiffany’s jeans and sneaked in a quick peck on her right cheek as Tiffany jolted up.

“Behave yourself Taeng, all of them are at home…” Tiffany whispered. But the way she leant into Taeyeon’s embrace was telling. Taeyeon smirked and withdrew her hands – but not before smacking them against Tiffany’s for good measure. She turned to fridge and started sourcing for ingredients to make food for Shikshin #2. Porridge maybe? Or soup?

“Make Yoong something – porridge or something soupy. She’ll need to eat before having this medicine,” Tiffany’s voice rang out from somewhere behind her. “I’ll help.”

“Yes manager oppa,” she chuckled at Tiffany’s bossy ways, breathing in the cool refrigerated air as she pulled a piece of frozen meat out. She turned to walk towards the sink to prepare the rice.

“Do you,” she heard footsteps walk towards her and felt the warmth of a body press closely against her curves, “really want me to be your oppa?”

A gentle shove against the cabinet to push her point.

“Point taken. You’re shutting me up now.”

…and a kiss to seal the deal.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ah no no – hey - watch out!” Taeyeon yelled as the frozen meat skidded a few inches off the chopping board to land on the floor with a loud thud. The knife followed, clattering to the floor rather omninously.

“Ti-pa-ni…” Taeyeon drawled. She mentally willed herself not to roll her eyes.

The girl meant well. The girl meant well. The girl meant well. She chanted in her head. Still – who would attempt to chop through frozen meat?

“Sorry s-sorry sorry!” Tiffany was in a fluster, fumbling with her words as she cleared up the mess on the floor. 

“Tiffany please, let me do it.” Taeyeon said firmly as she took the knife that was quivering dangerously in Tiffany’s grip.

“But I really want to help!” Those pair of eyebrows that framed her eyes perfectly were now raised indigantly.

“You can help by not helping.” She smirked and manned up to Tiffany’s pinch to her left shoulder as retribution. “Or you can help by… keeping your hands on me while I cook.” She grinned, taking said hands into hers and rubbing through them softly, trying to ease off some of her lover’s temper as Tiffany gave her a don’t--with-me look.

“Okay why don’t you…” Taeyeon glanced around, “why don’t you help me stir the porridge? It’s a really important job and you have to do it well.” She invented, feeling rather pleased with herself. That should be pretty idiot-proof even for someone as clumsy as Tiffany.

“Okay!” She literally bounced to the stove.

That girl.

You just couldn’t say no to someone who regarded her own concept as hard work and applied this philosophy to all parts of her life.       

They worked in comfortable silence as Taeyeon handled the meat expertly, dropping bite-sized pieces of marinated meat into the porridge that Tiffany was stirring very determinedly; Taeyeon stealing s with her free hand every time she walked to the stove.

It was done soon enough and Tiffany scooped herself a spoon-full of the porridge. Nodding unconsciously at the favourful yet palatable feel, she brought the half-eaten spoonful in front of Taeyeon, who reached over for a taste herself.

“You’re so good at this.” Tiffany beamed as she placed a bowl onto a tray with the medicine and started scooping the porridge into it.

“So do I get a reward?” Taeyeon asked as she brought the used utensils to the sink and started on washing them, “You made Girls’ Generation’s Kim Taeyeon do the dishes, what are you going to do about it?” 

“…I’m bringing this to Yoong~” trailed off Tiffany as she walked away with the tray, pretending not to hear Taeyeon’s provocative statement.

Taeyeon chuckled to herself as she scrubbed away the porridge stains from the pot. In truth, these ordinary moments with Tiffany and the other girls was all that she ever wanted. Cooking, fooling around and fussing over each other like normal people did. They grounded her firmly to Earth admist the flashing lights and pyrotechniques so she didn’t lose her head like so many of her seniors before her.

She moved to clear the soap off the area around the sink and her hand brushed against the bracelet and ring that Tiffany had stripped off earlier - eager as she was to help out with the cooking. Taeyeon started moving them to the kitchen table before a thought crossed her mind.

Wait. Would Tiffany…?

She tilted the ring upwards to look at the inscription and felt a warm rush of affection towards the love of her life.

Taeyeon’s

Hearing footsteps behind her she quickly tucked the ring deep into her palm.

“…now about that reward…” Tiffany’s voice was husky beside her ear.

She grinned as she felt hands rest on her hips.

“I saw it,” Taeyeon teased as she turned to face Tiffany. She would not be Kim Taeyeon if she didn’t take advantage of the opportunity.

“Taeyeon’s?” She smirked, waving the sliver band in front of its owner, who snatched it back with an affronted expression that was a cover for her embarrassment.

“Yah! Who said you could look?” She tried to turn away but was stopped by Taeyeon’s hands on her shoulder.

“What is Taeyeon’s?” Taeyeon continued, seriously this time as she needed to make a point.

“Is this Taeyeon’s?” She clasped her hands around Tiffany’s cheeks.

“Is this Taeyeon’s?” She slided her hands down Tiffany’s waist and came to a rest at her hips.

“Is this Taeyeon’s?” She swerved those hands over to feel the fullness of Tiffany’s behind.

“More importantly, this is Taeyeon’s?” She leant over to rest her head on Tiffany’s chest, hearing the slow beating of her heart that echoed that of Taeyeon’s.

Tiffany was like the ocean. Being with her, just basking in her presence like this – with Tiffany’s heartbeat acting as the waves that would gently crash onto shore - put her completely at ease and transported her into a world where she could drop her all defenses, her pride, and the loneliness of stardom. And their love was like the ocean too – the ocean that extended well beyond the range of sight. It was love that was never meant to be understood, nor was it ever meant to be brandished around like a trophy on display. Their love was simply to be felt. It was just, there, and like how beach-goers in their straw-hats and sand-wedged toes would point to the horizon and wonder how far the ocean went up to even though they had no proof it did – their love was believing.

“I am Taeyeon, so are these mine?” She murmured against Tiffany’s chest.

“Let me know, because if these are mine there’s nothing more in this world that I could possibly want.”

She felt arms wrap around her waist and smiled. It wasn’t often when she could render Tiffany speechless. She tilted her head upwards to see the beginnings of tears sparkling in Tiffany’s eyes, as the latter used her right hand to cover .

“Baby you cry too easily.” She reached over to kiss Tiffany’s cheeks.

“Only because you always surprise me like this. That mouth of yours… One minute you’re the dorkiest kid alive and the next you’re rolling off the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.” Tiffany smiled as she returned the favor, trailing kisses from Taeyeon’s cheek to her lips. Pausing to push herself up onto the clean table-top with her hands, she wrapped her legs around Taeyeon’s frame and pulled the smaller woman closer to her.

“My love, I love you.” Taeyeon crooned softly as she went willingly and laid her head on Tiffany’s stomach – the highest she could reach with Tiffany sitting on the table-top. It was a line off her IRIS OST from a million years ago that she particularly liked – but still it felt like a cop-out in the face of Tiffany’s radiance. Like a fool, she only knew how to express her love with those three words. But perhaps it balanced off the fact that Tiffany was so good at expressing her love without those three words.

But if she was looking at Tiffany Taeyeon would have realised how the taller’s expressions had darkened at the sound of her vocals. It reminded her of something that needed to be addressed. “You love me.” It was Tiffany’s turn to make a point. “You love me so tell me Taengoo. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

Taeyeon startled and drew away from Tiffany’s embrace. Was she that obvious? She thought she had hid it well enough.

“What are you talking about?” Taeyeon stuttered, avoiding Tiffany’s glaze.

“You were behaving weirdly on stage. There was this look in your eyes and I thought there were times you even looked a little afraid. Also, manager oppa told me you met with the UMJ representatives last month and rejected all your IRIS OST promotional performances – why?”

“Is there something you’re keeping from me Kim Taeyeon? You know you can tell me anything.” Tiffany clasped her hands gently on Taeyeon’s shoulders.

“Ah – no – no nothing of that sort,” Taeyeon chuckled. The gears in her mind were swirling desperately underneath the poker face.

“I rejected those performances because they clashed with our arena tour rehearsal schedules honey. And you probably saw exhaustion in my eyes – not fear.” The lie rolled off her tongue so naturally she could almost believe it.

“But - ” Tiffany was not quite as ready to drop it.

“Darling you think too much,” Taeyeon leant forward to wrap her arms around Tiffany’s waist, providing her with a convenient excuse to avoid the latter's gaze. She lift her love gently off the table top. “Let’s sleep now we had a really long day.”

Tiffany sighed and let Taeyeon pulled her out of the kitchen gently by her hand, knowing Taeyeon was not going to budge tonight. She would try again tomorrow.

Her capricious leader. Her precocious baby.

How much she worried about her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taeyeon stepped out of their hotel and into the cold air, pulling her scruffy grey cap over her hair. It was way past midnight and they were in China – having just performed for the 5^th China-Korea music festival - so her hopes that she would remain undetected were not unfounded.

She needed some fresh air.

Everyone thought she was over it but in truth she wasn’t. In truth it still clung onto her like an ugly scab of a scar that wouldn’t go away, like the figments of a half-forgetten nightmare, returning to haunt her when she least expected it. Tormenting her waking moments with just the fear of recalling the event paralyzing her from truly enjoying any happy moments.

The wind tossed her blond curls to the front as she walked on, failing once again to push those memories from surfacing up her sub-conscious.

They happened five months ago but the grip on her wrist was burned into her skin.

“Taeyeon, come with me.” The man had muttered to her, grasping her roughly by the wrist.

They were mid-way through their performance on-stage before she was rudely interrupted.

“W-what? Who a-are you?” She had spluttered, digging her heels in and pulling back against the strength that was dragging her off stage by her wrist. But she was powerless against his forceful grip.

“Who the heck are you? YAH!” She screamed and thrashed violently against her abductor’s shoulders as the stranger forcefully pulled her to the side of the stage.

What the heck?

Everything happened so quickly. She felt another grip on her shoulders – the touch familiar and gentler – Sunny, pulling her back towards the girls. The grip on her wrist loosen as she watched the stranger collapse in front of her after being tackled to the ground by their manager.

She could feel the presence of the other girls - they surrounded her, forming a protective circle around her as she broke down.

She lost it then.

It wasn’t what the man had done to her.

It was what the man took from her.

He had robbed from her her love for the stage, and left her with a staggering fear of an empty stage that threatened to obliterate everything that she had held dear. She could still hold it in together when they were performing as a group, but when her manager pushed her on stage to perform ‘Closer’ alone, all she could notice was how empty the stage was, how few the security personnel were, and how far Tiffany was from her.

The fear was paralyzing.

It was the reason why she had rejected almost all the requests from broadcasting companies to sing the opening theme song for their dramas – except those that she knew she wouldn’t have to perform live.

And it was for the same reason why she alone had stubbornly refused to prepare for her solo stage in their comeback show, enduring curious stares from her managers and members alike while she attributed it to the lack of inspiration.

She was a little taken aback by how quickly the others seemed to accept that excuse – well except Tiffany of course. Tiffany was always an exception.

If it couldn’t be that she was such a good actress, then maybe it was because they didn’t care that much. Because if she were to be honest to herself, she was torn between half hoping the others would find out, and the other half hoping they wouldn’t. She knew she needed some help.

But she had kept mum about it, desperately clinging onto the hope that time would heal the wound – in the same way it did for her bruise. After all, had she not had six years of experience performing on stage? Had she not pulled off perfect performances while nursing sore throats, fevers, and a severe lack of sleep? What could a puny little stage incident like this do to her, a veteran performer? But this had escalated far beyond her control – so much so that it was freaking eating into her soul.

Nevertheless… if they found out…

She snorted bitterly as she walked on down the desolated street, drawing her khaki coat closer to her as her boots kissed pavement.

A singer with stage fright? She was as good as crippled.

Five minutes of endless pacing later and she found her footsteps heading back to the hotel without the direction of her conscious thought and smirked. She was going nowhere anyway. Just as well – they were scheduled to fly back to Korea in a few hours and she needed to slip herself back into bed before the others found out.

She needed no one to worry about her. She could settle this on her own – like she always did, like she always had to. She appreciated Sunny’s offer to stop cooping herself in the dormitory and to approach her whenever she was having a hard time, but the glint in Sunny’s eyes was enough to let her know that both of them realised she had dismissed the offer in the same heartbeat.

She could never.

She could never… because they looked up to her. She knew they did even though they never said it out. When things got harder and harder they would turn to their friend-leader and she knew what they said to themselves.

They said, “Look at Taeyeon. If Taeyeon can do, then why can’t I?”

They looked up to her for strength not because she was the leader, but because although she had always put on a tough front to mask the projection of vunerability that her eternally youthful face had bestowed on her, she knew it was a farce that all eight of them could easily see through.

Most of the times, she felt she was the first amongst the nine to feel like giving up. The lack of privacy and breathing space - aspects that came with her career - was, for a woman as private as herself, destructive to say the least. But she didn’t. She didn’t because she knew if she gave up, the others would too. And the others couldn’t give up, because if they gave up they wouldn’t succeed. They wouldn’t be able to chase their dreams.

Their dream that was once also her dream; until he took it away from her.

So she soldiered on. She soldiered on because she loved them. And she soldiered on until it was easy to forget that she was.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What the…” Tiffany muttered to herself as the van pulled to a stop near the arrival terminal, stopping herself before the profanity slipped out. One of the many pains of having a career like hers was that it always hung on the balance – make one single mistake and you could discover exactly how unforgiving the world was. 

The crowd mobbing their vehicles were like the zombies that she had seen on the games Sunny played while killing time in the waiting rooms.

Yet another pain of having a career like hers.

How the heck did they know our flight schedule?

She narrowed her eyes as a frown graced her eyebrows. Not for the first time, she was starting to suspect that many of their fan-sites had direct communication lines with their staff. Don’t get her wrong - she always appreciated the love of their fans. She wouldn’t be here together if they hadn’t stood by her when she was young and foolish.

But still - it wasn’t a pleasant thought. Especially when it lead to situations such as these, where their security personnel were out-numbered about one to fifty. It wasn’t the first time that she had suggested to beef up their security. She had pushed so aggressively for it especially after she had to witness some stranger pulling Taeyeon off-stage – an event even more tramautic for Tiffany than Taeyeon, it seemed – Taeyeon had even had to turn around to calm her down after she politely suggested to the authorities that the little er should be beheaded.

But of course, her company had pulled figures out of the air, talked in complicated financial terms and they were stuck with just the three manager oppas that they had.

Not for the first time, she wished her sister were here to fight for her. Her sister was smart – she would know what to do.

She sighed and felt the body beside her stiffen as the others engaged in an emergency talk on how best to navigate through the human traffic. She snuck a glance at Taeyeon before offering her own suggestions on how to increase their security before they stepped out of the vehicle. 

This woman.

She was worried about this woman. She seemed a little off recently. Tiffany couldn’t pin-point exactly what it was because Taeyeon was trying so hard to hide it – whatever it was. Every time Tiffany tried to prod her into revealing what was troubling her, in the breaks between their hectic schedules, or on the nights where they would cuddle together, she had clamped up like an air-tight container. And that was exactly what Tiffany hated.

More than the fact that Taeyeon was in pain, she hated the fact that Taeyeon would feel that it was necessary to hide it from her.

It annoyed her endlessly that Taeyeon had so little faith in their relationship to not trust her with her problems. But she knew Taeyeon well enough to know that there was nothing she could do until but to wait until the latter saw fit to open the rest of her heart to her.

…that was if they managed to get through this mess first.

She pulled out her pink muffler from her handbag and draped it gently over Taeyeon’s neck, turning to tuck the loose ends in neatly so Taeyeon could at least hide a portion of her face within it. Taeyeon reached over and clasped her left hand tightly in thanks as Tiffany slipped on her sunglasses with her right. Her love didn’t really like sunglasses – she said they made her world darker than it already was.

The final decision was made – and to no surprise, it was decided that they would just have to wing it. The nine of them and their three managers. A security team was being loosely assembled from some part-time airport staff but would take time to reach them – they would need to start moving now to have any hopes of getting on the plane in time.

Tiffany snorted. It was a recipe for disaster if she ever knew one, but there was little she could do.

She hated this.

One day, she would change it so she was in control of her own destiny.

One day…

But today was not that day.

So she took a deep breath and slided open the door of the van.

Immediately, the cheers of the crowd threatened to burst through her ear-drums that were already battered by the volume that she enjoyed listening to her music with. She felt herself jostled and pushed against her will, with only the forceful grip of her manager’s hand on her shoulder anchoring her to the ground as they tried to push their way through the crowd. Flashes from professional DSLRs irritated even her sunglasses-covered eyes and smartphones intruded into her personal space as they were shove right up in front of her face. Yells of “TIFFANY! Fany! Look HERE!” mixed with her managers’ angry shouts as their party of nine were separated by the mob. They very quickly realised a one to a hundred ratio was probably a more accurate estimate.

What had she said? Oh yes. Recipe for disaster indeed.

She hissed and turned to glare at the photographer when a particularly long lens smacked into her shoulder painfully, giving him the evil eye that by now was second nature to her after years of being on the receiving end from Jessica.

Out of the corner of her eye, at some distance away, she could see a fan-boy squeeze himself in front of the crowd and grab an unsuspecting Taeyeon by the wrist.

Taeyeon yelped, and in between heads Tiffany could see Taeyeon barely swatting the man’s hand away. But then the latter squatted down, far beyond Tiffany’s line of vision.

Tiffany frowned and stopped in her tracks, pushing back the waves of people pushing against her as she waited impatiently for Taeyeon’s head to bob up again.

It didn’t.

What?

She heard her heart beat in her ear. Something was wrong. She could feel it take shape now - the sense of foreboding she thought she had felt simmering in the background, looming in the shadows around Taeyeon’s eyes.

Wringing herself furiously from her manager’s grip, she ignored his anxious shouts as she launched herself into the crowd, shoving her own way through to Taeyeon, She bit down curses at the way they were trodding all over her personal space, taking photos and touching her like she was some animal on display. 

But no matter. She needed to get to Taeyeon first.

Because they could be ants on honey the way they were swarming around her Taeyeon.

Tiffany shoved and pried her way around the crowd of people, offering herself up as a distraction while she snucked an arm under Taeyeon and pulled her upright.

“Don’t touch me!” Taeyeon shrieked as she tried to pull away desperately.

What the ?

Tiffany grabbed Taeyeon’s cheeks with her hands and forced her to look into her own.

Taeyeon’s eyes were burning.

The soulful glaze that once spoke volumes to Tiffany with each glance was closed to her, and Tiffany couldn’t remember feeling so afraid ever since her plane first touched down in Seoul.

“Taeng look at me. Who am I?” She muttered softly but clearly over the din of the crowd.

“F-f-fany ah…” Taeyeon sobbed as recognition hit her and Tiffany’s heart burned with a silent rage at all who had done this to her love. She felt Taeyeon latch onto her like drowning man would a personal life buoy.

Her grip was so tight it was almost painful.

Their managers assembled all the members and they managed to hold the fort before the security team they were supposed to have from the very start formed a human barricade around them. They finally started inching slowly to the boarding gate.

But Tiffany wasn’t trusting Taeyeon to any of this ers any more.

Skimming her eyes all over their radius of space she told off every single person who held a phone or camera near Taeyeon’s face. Wrapping one hand anxiously around Taeyeon’s trembling ones she used the other to wrap the muffler around the lower half of Taeyeon’s face - that seemingly never looked beyond the safety of the ground.

Tiffany had never seen Taeyeon sob so openly, with such wanton abandonment. Ever. She sat beside Taeyeon on the plane and let the latter bury her head into her shoulder. It never rose from its spot for the entirety of the four-hour long plane ride.

She knew what it meant.

Taeyeon was shutting down on her. Taeyeon was shutting down on them. Taeyeon was shutting down on herself.

And then it was there again – rearing its ugly head and plunging her heart in ice - the sense of unease that had been throbbing in the background like one of Tiffany’s old ankle injuries had very quickly mutated into genuine fear with today’s happenings.

It was the fear that Taeyeon would be lost to them forever.