I avoided Kyuhyun, and for the first time I was actually successful.  It seemed he was giving me space and for that I was grateful.  I wasn’t sure if he was trying to stop whatever changes I seemed to be sparking in him, but I honestly hoped he was.

I didn’t accompany him to training anymore and I returned to my room in the servant’s quarters.   My small room seemed cold, not temperature wise, but I still found myself shivering in the silence.  I would be lying if I said I enjoyed this shift, but either way it was necessary.

I rarely left my room and when I did it was only to walk the icy paths of the gardens.  I didn’t wander the castle halls, too scared I would meet up with the king, or worse, with Kyuhyun himself. 

The castle was more suffocating than ever before.  The walls were always encroaching on me and sometimes I felt like I was walking with shackles around my ankles. 

Part of me accepted the fact that Kyuhyun could be the key that would unchain me, but a more dominant portion warned me that Kyuhyun would only end up binding me in ways I could never escape.  In the end, I remained unchanged.  I refused to risk the small glimmer of freedom that Kyuhyun promised, too scared that being at his side would only hurt.

I might have been slightly masochistic, but not to that extent, never to that extent.  Because being at his side promised personal pain, but it also threatened Kyuhyun.  As ed up as I was, I wasn’t about to hurt him more than he already was.  I wasn’t cruel.

It was late when I slowly crept through the snow, the moonlight reflecting off the white crystals that decorated the ground.  I made my way over to a secluded bench, brushing away the small pile that had formed throughout the course of the steady snowfall. 

I sat, quietly watching as my breaths came out in curling streams, the puffs gliding through the air until they dissipated.  I willed myself not to think, wishing there was a switch that could silence my brain.  My ears pricked up when I heard the voices of some of the servants and I listened in to distract myself.

“I heard that Lord Siwon’s army is stronger than ever before.  The attack can come at any time now, I’m sure the Commander is feeling the pressure”

“Hmm, I suppose so.  Are we ready though?”

“I’m not positive, but I’m sure everything will be fine.  The Commander has never failed before and the king trusts him completely.  I’m sure he has a plan”

The voices grew fainter and soon I couldn’t hear anything else.  I bit my lip as anxiety began to eat away at me.  The last time I had gone to the training grounds, it definitely didn’t seem like our soldiers were ready.  I had been away for a few months now, but I was still concerned.

I tried to push such feelings away, knowing that I was worrying about Kyuhyun way more than I should have been.  I sighed and stood, the gardens no longer offering me any semblance peace.  My mind whirled faster than ever with unwanted thoughts.

I managed to push the image of Kyuhyun out of my head, but it did little to comfort me.  A heavy weight seemed lodged in my heart, a sick feeling of dread washing over me.  Something bad was going to happen, I could feel it. 

I shuffled into my cold, dark room, not bothering to light the lantern.  I slipped beneath the covers without pausing to change my clothes.  I was jittery and I squeezed my eyes closed, hoping to escape my uneasiness with sleep. 

However, my feelings of apprehension only increased and I finally found myself doing something I swore never to do again.  I brought my hand to my heart and I silently prayed to the God that had forsaken me so many times before.

“P-please” I whispered, my voice trembling, “Please p-protect him… keep him safe”

I didn’t even try to deny that it was Kyuhyun who I was praying for.

**********

The morning light seeped into my room, but it wasn’t a calm ethereal light.  The light was sinister and ominous and my stomach twisted slightly.

Instinctively I knew.  I knew that what I had feared had come true. 

I threw off my covers and ran out of my room.  The castle hummed, but it wasn’t the usual buzz of the early morning work.  Instead the walls vibrated with hushed whispers and worried faces greeted me everywhere I turned. 

“What’s going on?” I asked whoever stood beside me, dreading the answer.

“Lord Siwon’s army is on the march.  They will be here before the end of the day”

I didn’t bother responding, as soon as my suspicions were confirmed I was running.  My heart beat wildly against my ribcage as I scrambled down the familiar halls.

I skidded to a halt in front of Kyuhyun’s door.  I wanted to throw the door open and yell and cry and beg.  I wanted to do anything that would stop him from going off to battle.  I knew it was irrational, and I knew I was being ridiculous, but I couldn’t fight it.

I was the one that had pushed him away and I knew I wasn’t supposed to care.

But I did.

I didn’t want him to go, the sick feeling in my heart told me he wouldn’t be safe.  I didn’t know what I felt towards Kyuhyun, but I knew I didn’t want him to die.  The thought of him being gone send an icy bolt of terror down my spine, and I knew I could never let that happen.

Without further thought I pushed open his door, my eyes frantically scanning for the tall figure.

“KYUHYUN!” I screamed, running into the room.

“!  Answer me!”

I dashed around his quarters, desperation fuelling my actions.  It didn’t take long for me to realize he was already gone.  I sank to my knees and pressed my hands against my face to calm myself.  I laughed bitterly when I found my cheeks were wet.  I didn’t know when I had begun to cry.

I curled up, trying to convince myself that everything would be fine.  Despite my best efforts, it was useless and I couldn’t help but regret.

I still didn’t know who Cho Kyuhyun was to me, but the answer was becoming much clearer.  If my actions were any indication, it was apparent I cared for him.

However to what extent I still did not know.

**********

No news from the battlefield. 

It had been three weeks since the war had begun and there was still no definite news.  It seemed like the whole castle was removed from the conflict, shielded from the violent truth.  All that anyone could be sure of was that we were at a deadlock.  The armies were engaged in savage warfare, but neither side seemed to gain an inch. 

Despite the lack of any major drama, the sick feeling in my chest never lifted.  It made me shaky and horribly skittish.  All I wanted was answers, and I was willing to get them, I would do anything to loosen the knot in my stomach.

When the castle guards asked for volunteers to help the wounded, I didn’t even hesitate.  I thought maybe if I was closer to the conflict, I would be closer to the answers I sought.  In truth, I knew very little about medicine, but I was assured that even my limited knowledge could be of service. 

It turned out to be correct.  The hospital at the basecamp was overrun with sick and injured soldiers, some barely holding on to life.  It was a rude awakening and I had difficulties wrapping my head around it all.

I had seen war, I had seen the brutality and the evil.  However, I had only seen it from a victim’s point of view.  I had only seen soldiers as cruel monsters that destroyed the lives of innocent bystanders for the sake of their own amusement.  I had only seen soldiers as thieves, murderers, and rapists.

But now I was seeing soldiers as the victims.  I watched as the men were carried in, their uniforms splattered with blood and their eyes rolling back into their heads.  I saw as they bit back screams and blinked back tears.  For the first time, I saw soldiers as the brave and honorable men that were depicted in stories.

I tried to keep these thought in my mind as I tended to the injured, but it was still rather difficult to be near them.  In the end, one of the doctors noticed my discomfort and sent me to work at the front of the makeshift hospital.  My job was to keep records of the patients and direct the steady flow of the battered men that were continuously being carried in.

I did this for a month, but information from the battlefield was still not forthcoming.  Occasionally, some of the patients would talk about the cruelty of Siwon’s soldiers, but I never received the information that I really wanted.  Despite my almost desperate desire to know, I still could not bring myself to ask the questions that plagued my mind.

I wasn’t sure if it was pride, or me just not wanting to know the truth.  Either way I never could gather the courage to ask any of the men about Kyuhyun.  I chose to eavesdrop quietly as they told their stories filled with gore and bloodshed hoping for that one specific name to come up.

By this method the only things I heard about Kyuhyun was that he was working hard to win the war and that he truly was the army’s greatest asset.  Based on the account of a man who was stabbed in the leg, Kyuhyun was a killer, taking down enemy soldiers with detached efficiency.  There was awe in the man’s tone, but there was also a certain degree of fear.  I couldn’t really blame him, I had seen what Kyuhyun could do and it was alarming.  He was a born and bred killer.

I had taken to spending the night at the hospital, it was really the only plausible solution.  Just because the day had ended, didn’t mean the war did.  Throughout the night, soldiers kept being brought in.  There were less, but the flow never really stopped.

I was dozing slightly when I suddenly went cold.  My eyes snapped open and the hair on my neck rose.

“No, no, no, no, no-“ I whispered quietly as my heart began to beat faster.

“Please no” I practically begged as I squeezed my eyes closed.

I could hear loud shouting and general commotion coming from outside.  The noise grew louder and I felt my stomach sink because they were obviously approaching the hospital.  The door was slammed open and a desperate voice screamed,

“HURRY!  WE NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION IMMEDIATELY!”

My eyes opened slowly, not wanting to see the patient that had just been brought in.  Not wanting my fears to be confirmed.

“Kyuhyun” I whispered softly as I stared at the bloodied man that lay panting on a stretcher. 

The eyes that met mine were glazed and unseeing and soon they closed altogether.  I watched, frozen in place as the doctors hurried Kyuhyun away, yelling for the nurse to ready an operating room.  I began to shudder as the image of his blood soaked chest flashed before my eyes.

Once again, God had failed me.

I'm so so sorry -__-

I had this update almost ready to go, but then I got sick and it literally hurt my brain to think.

Sorry if this chappie is kind of weird, I'm still not fully recovered and I didn't re-read this, so yeah...

Don't shoot me...

Music: "Wolf"- Exo-K (I can't believe SM is actually marketing this song... it's embarrassing... BUT holding out for the album release bc "Baby Don't Cry" is my kryptonite)