You were alone in your house. The walls echoed the sound of silence, and you sat rigidly on the couch. It was winter. 3 months after he died. School holidays just began, but you didn’t know what to do already. All of your friends asked you out to go for some lunch, or shopping, but all of them were rejected.

Instead, you were sitting in the cold room, in your house, without even turning the heater on. You felt the cold seep through your skin, but it soon turned into numbness, like everything else did. The pain of losing him, it was now nothing but numbness too. And during the nights that were especially cold, you wake up in cold sweat, after the scene of him lying on the road replayed itself in your mind for the millionth time. Sad, afraid, hurt, crushed, lost, all the emotions that you should have, were long gone. The twinkle in your eyes that he said he liked wasn’t there anymore, it was replaced by a cold, dark and empty look.

You no longer bothered studying, going out with friends, talking to them or even eating something more decent. You took a longer way home and avoided the area you and him used to walk, the area where the accident happened. Hatred burned in you, you hated the fact that he’s gone, the fact that the driver didn’t stop, the fact that you were always alone, but most of all, you hated that fact that you were blaming everything else when you knew that it was all your own fault.

If you hadn’t asked him to buy the ice cream, if you didn’t distract him from keeping his eyes on the road, if you never even met him, if you could just forget about him.. But it was all too late. He was like a tattoo, a scar, permanently printed in your mind, your heart. You couldn’t, and you didn’t want to remove it.

He was the reason you were still here, and you’re the reason he’s not. You hated yourself straight to the bone for this. You stopped caring about the way you look like, the way people think of you. You don’t even bother to keep in contact with your father anymore, and even your best friends can’t seem to understand you well enough. This was the first time, you felt truly alone. In the past, when you felt that way, Yongguk would’ve appeared, he would’ve been there no matter what happen.

It was like a silent promise between the both of you, and he broke it, leaving you, just like that. You tried, you tried hard, to leave the past behind and move forward. But something seemed to pull you back, as you walk to school without him, went home without him, ate without him.. He was like a virus, spreaded all over the places you’ve been, constantly remind you of his existence even after he was gone.

18^th December, 2009. The streets were covered with snow, a beautiful view you would’ve loved if he was walking alongside you. You draped a thick fur coat over you. It belonged to him. You could almost feel the warmth of his body as you felt the scent of him enter your nostrils. You felt a tight, clinging pain in your chest as you were reminded that he wasn’t around anymore. Alone, you walked towards a grocery store to buy food that is scarcely found in your house.

On the streets of the city of Seoul, the amount of people was overwhelming, as many were there to do some shopping for the new year. Christmas decorations were everywhere, brighting up the streets with its striking colors. With so many couples and groups of friends walking around you, you felt lonelier than ever.

You knew you could just forget everything about him, and hang out with your friends, have some fun, maybe even spot a new guy, and get into a whole new relationship. You knew Yongguk for 17 years. 17 long years, and you’ve never loved any other guy except him. You weren’t doing anything wrong, you could just find another guy, you knew Yongguk would’ve wanted that. He wouldn’t have wanted you to wait for him, someone that was never coming back. Someone that doesn’t exist any longer.

But you didn’t want to. You desperately clinged onto the memories of the past, you stubbornly hurt yourself one time after another, unconciously tracing your footsteps back to the time when he was with you. You were pitiful, a totally useless person, roaming around the streets of Seoul, trying to hurt and comfort yourself at the same time. You accepted the fact that he was gone but you’ve never seemed to forget the fact that he was once there.

‘I loved you. You were my reason to live. I want to stop you from going. I want to scream and cry.’ A familiar tune with an unfamiliar voice sang on the stage in the middle of the street. You looked up to see a blonde guy, tall and sturdy, singing one of your favorite songs. Tears Are Falling, by FT Island. He covered the song perfectly, with his own style, but with all the feelings in it.

You looked away, and tried to erase the lyrics from your mind as they reminded you of Yongguk. After buying dozens of packaged instant noodles and some kimchi, you quietly left the crowded city that was filled with happiness. You didn’t want your emotions to stain on anyone else except yourself.