The Escape Attempt

~Escaping is not always the best option, but it certainly is the easiest, especially if you know you are going to get hurt either way~

Is this it?

As I stood in front of the smooth river with its waves lapping the shore gently on each side, the question filled my mind, repeating itself endlessly as I struggled to figure out the inner turmoil.

Was this the end of the Kim Taeyeon? The one who gave up everything just to pursue her dream, to let her voice be known worldwide, was this really it?

I sighed, running a hand through my hair as the wind caressed my cheeks, blowing the ghostly trail of teardrops dry. Gripping the railing, I inhaled the fresh breeze of the river, closing my eyes and relishing the weightlessness of it. How the hell did I get myself into this mess anyway?

Of course I knew the answer.

Dreams.

Everyone had dreams. Whether it was to be a famous singer, or a worldwide author, maybe even a doctor, they were all the dreams we harbored in our hearts. People tell us, “Go, fulfill your dreams, chase after it, then you will be happy.” But I scoff at those words. Following my dream seemed the noblest thing I could do at my tender age, but now I knew differently.

Dreams could crush you.

As I stood there in front of the serene scenery of the Han River, the chance to put an end to everything was right in front of me, and all I needed was that little boost to let me drop everything and walk away. My dream had evolved in ways that I could never have imagined, hopes and aspirations twisting it beyond its boundaries as I could only stare at the utter confusion of my mind, unable to change anything. Choices I made haunted me, overlapping into a whole complicated feeling I thought I would never let myself feel. The pure reason I thought I would have the strength to grasp the pen and sign the contract, suddenly turned around and bit me, and I let myself sink into the oblivion of it, succumbing to the bliss.

Love.

The eye-smiling girl who had walked into my room, shyly setting down her luggage as she glanced at me, before bowing and introducing herself in the husky voice which I could never get tired of,

“Hello, I am Tiffany.”

That mere entrance opened many doors of possibilities, and I, the sworn hater of all aegyo found myself desiring more from that girl. The clinginess of any other of my friends always irritated me, but I was more than content to snuggle up in bed with Tiffany, reading a Totoro storybook to familiarize her with our Korean language. Intoxicated by her sweet scent, I wouldn’t carry her back to her bed when she fell into a deep slumber, preferring to bury my face in her soft hair as I drifted off to sleep.

This was what I was the most worried about. I knew I was a weakling when it came to emotions, which was a good thing for a singer, being able to express countless emotions through a harmonious song. But this, no I couldn’t even fathom the immensity of the feeling drifting around in me, triggering an irregular heartbeat whenever she was in my presence, driving me to the brink of insanity.

When witnessing a simple hug to another person or the mere linking of hands, the green-eyed monster turned up, threatening to overrun me. But I was the sole recipient of the interlacing of hands, and happiness always surged through me when she clutched onto my hand. The flash of the disarming eyesmile never failed to make my heart go crazy and her husky whispers always made my knees go weak.

But I can’t pursue anything. I’m just stuck in the middle of the dark empty void, lingering at the line, never having the chance nor courage to step across into the world I craved for.

The cost was too high, being an idol. Having to throw away your whole private life, your bad traits, your whole body and soul, even your mere identity has to be surrendered to the company. Once you sign the contract, you are the company’s, and technically you do not exist anymore. Now, you must become the perfect idols in order to rise to fame.

Love, was not an option to survive in the harsh reality of showbiz.

My knuckles turned white as I exerted more pressure onto the railing, trying to expel the stress inside of me. There was a hole in my heart, aching as em