The Role of a Leader

Taeyeon never planned to be the leader.

In fact, when she was appointed way back in their trainee days, she had objected vehemently to it but to no avail. She knew she couldn't do it and the difference between Jessica's birthday and hers were only a few months. Why couldn’t it be Jessica? Jessica could handle it, with her strong personality and “ice cold” attitude.

It was a mistake, and she found herself cursing her parents for making her the first-born of the group.

But she was, and she had to deal with it.

On some days, it was fine. The members listened to her and the light-hearted atmosphere in the room managed to free her of the worries she had been struggling with. The maknae would cut some fruits for her while Yoona and Yuri fought over the remote control. Sunny might beg her to help with Anipang while Sooyoung would in and point out mistakes with full of chips. Jessica would occupy the couch, complaining about the noise while Hyoyeon was squished mercilessly at the other end of the couch.

And Tiffany, dear Tiffany, would massage her shoulders and talk about all things under the sun. Taeyeon's heart would swell and she would lean into her embrace, perfectly content with the warmth emitting from the figure behind her.

And everything would seem perfect.

But more often than not, the dorm would be suffocating with the amount of tension in the air. Those nights, she would hold a crying member as they recounted countless incidents, ranging from haters to the quarrels between members.

She was always there for the members, she had to be. She was always a listening ear, a hug and words of comfort ready at the tip of her tongue.

Though it wasn’t perfect, she could live with it.

At that moment, she thought, hey, maybe I can do this.

But then everything turned upside down. 

She fell in love with Tiffany Hwang.

Or more appropriately, she realised she was in love with Tiffany Hwang.

Maybe it was the after effect of being her roommate for many years, or when the both of them were left alone during the holidays. Without the warmth of their families, they celebrated Christmas with each other, Tiffany always refusing to help with the decorations except for putting the star on top of the tree. As the years passed by, gradually Tiffany did not need the chair anymore, just tiptoeing to nudge the star on top of the brightly lit tree. Taeyeon, however, would always watch her, maybe an occasional comment about her height, but she was mainly quiet, observing the perfection of the scene in front of her.

Was that when it happened? Probably not.

Unconsciously, she had displayed her affection for Tiffany a little too much, especially since she did not realise what her feelings had been. The light touch of their hands, the eye contact and frequent hugs soon became a topic of sones. Fans squealed at their interaction, but of course, others rose above and overpowered all the positive feedback.

A leader was not supposed to have favouritism, they say. She knew she didn’t, she treated all the members equally but they were stubborn, pointing out and criticising every move she made.

Taeyeon turned around and found she was alone.

Jessica was wrestling with her insecurities; her mask of the ice princess cracked and lay open to see. The mask had been her protection, but now she forlornly stared at their performances, blaming herself at every imperfection or mistake she had made.

 Yuri was hard at work, working out and keeping her body as fit and slim as possible to match up to the ‘black pearl’ expectations. She would come back to the dorm, drenched in sweat, muttering to herself about going for a tan. Other times, she would stare at the blender while making ma juice and sigh to herself, singing that few lines she had been granted with in the new song, trying to make it as perfect as possible.

Sunny as always, was perfecting her lines and choreography, working herself to the limit to distance herself from the title of "Lee Soo Man's niece".  The D.S. which used to be occupied every moment there was time was now carelessly thrown to the side, not charged, while Sunny runs through the lines of her new musical again, frowning as she practiced facial expressions in the mirror.

Yoona was struggling with the image of SNSD, and she was tired of being known for her looks. She worked doubly hard to show her talent, but they were ignored with statements of, Yoona is so pretty. The alligator laugh did not ring through the dorm as often anymore, and Yoona would stick her earphones in and dance, sometimes singing along as well before retiring to her bedroom. Her box full of pranks was now shoved under the table, slowly collecting dust.

Sooyoung always disappeared to the dance studio. Before, whenever Taeyeon needed to find her, she would just go to the kitchen and Sooyoung would be there stuffing herself with food, but now the kitchen was oddly quiet. The shikshin seemed to have folded into herself, her eyes glistening whenever the producer told her she only got a single line in the song, before she got up purposefully to dance some more. In the middle of the night, the kitchen light would be on and she would be there, eating whatever she could to get her energy up to practice, more and more.

Hyoyeon usually joined Sooyoung, latching herself to the taller girl like a leech, trying to help her up. The comforting pats on Sooyoung’s back and the encouragements were the world to Sooyoung, and Taeyeon knew that. However, Taeyeon also knew that Hyoy