CHAPTER 14

If you ever experienced a broken heart,

just be faith there's someone who could fix it again.

TAEYEON POINT OF VIEW

       “Turn around! Let me see your back, Taeng!” Tiffany demanded.

       “You don’t want to see that,” I said feebly.

       “I want to,” she stated firmly while staring at me.

       I recognized that kind of tone. Demanding tone. I’d got the knowledge that she’d never been pleased if I refused her at this time.

       I gulped, spinning out some time though I knew it was only a matter of second. Halfheartedly I turned around, revealing my back which was fulfilled with scattered scars and scratches – here and there. I cocked my eyes at her. I found her eyes were bugging and she clasped ; holding her squeal.

       I had a chance to steal a glimpse on both Yuri and Jessica who were standing up behind me. Yuri curled her arms around Jessica’s waist. I discovered Jessica displayed a shock mark on her face as well; while Yuri face was slightly impassive, but I knew he must be getting shock as well as probably he had no idea how terrible my wound was.

       I briskly tilted my body again; facing her, as I knew she didn’t want to relish the harrowing view too long. I extended my arms, about to pull her into my hug again to encourage her; but out of my expectation, she just leaned backward, dodging me. She caught me off guard and I threw her a baffled look.

       Taking some effort, finally Tiffany could put herself together again and manage some words.

       “Who did that to you?” her voice was huskier than usual then I caught the tears pricked at her eyelids.

       “Tell me, Taeng, who did this?” she asked again; her tone was far from demanding one; tended to plead as if hoping me to tell her the truth.

       I lowered my gaze and leaned forward; wiping her tears away. I hate to see her cry. I hate tears welling up her soft cheeks. She didn’t pull away and let me touch her cheeks. Her tears kept streaming down the cheek as though it was unstoppable. Seeing her in this condition was hurting me inside. Another pang emerged; penetrated deep into my heart.

       “And tell me…,” she slightly stammered. “How could you get those wounds…”

       “And why didn’t you tell me?” she flooded my with the questions that I knew I wouldn’t like to answer. Or more exact, I wasn’t supposed to answer.

       Finding me remained silent she yanked my hands away. I didn’t persist. I could see her eyes now were smoldering. This time I couldn’t decipher what was it heading to. But I guessed she felt angry, disappointed, betrayed, devastated, and tangled together.

       I knew I shouldn’t think of this; however a thought just suddenly popped in my mind. I began to think it wasn’t supposed to be happened. I began to think did I make a wrong decision by building a relationship with her. Most of the time, I was indoctrinated not to fall in love with anybody. Love would lead me to weakness. Love would make my brain being dysfunction. Love would make me being vulnerable. And also, I realized we’re coming from a different world. She would never understand me. And my world.

       “Fani~aaa,” I spoke up gingerly after marshalling some words. “I’m sorry I’ve let you down. I didn’t mean it,” I continued. “I didn’t want to make you worry.”

       “You’d already did,” she stated firmly again.

       “I’m sorry,” I replied feebly.

       “There’s a lot of thing about me that you weren’t supposed to know.”

       “How could you say that kind of thing?” she raised her voice. For the first time. My heart was stinging again.

       “I’m your girlfriend. And I love you, Taeng. How could you say that? We’re supposed to be honest each other.”

       “I love you too, Fani~aaa. More than anything in this world,” I said sincerely.

       “That’s why I said I’m sorry for hurting you. But I really couldn’t spill it out. Trust me, you don’t wanna to hear that as well,” I shook my head.

       “I doubt that!” she retorted vehemently.

       “Is my love just not enough for you?” I asked her carefully.

       “If you really love me, you’re supposed to know how to treat me,” she said indignantly.

       “You have no idea,” I said briefly. The atmosphere began to tense.

       “Yes you’re right. You have no idea about me as well,” she glared at me.

       When she said that I found this conversation was useless and strictly unnecessary to run. She was stubborn. She wouldn’t listen to me this time. It wasn’t her fault either. She deserved to demand any explanation; and I just couldn’t give her what she wanted. So it was clear. It’s the point. It wasn’t we weren’t mean to be; however it was more than it. It was fundamental principle. We loved each other; but when it came to something that wouldn’t be matching I thought I couldn’t force us to pass through that. At the moment my brain felt like curded. Another twinge of ache was coming; churned my broken heart.

       I knew both Yuri and Jessica were taken aback; witnessing our first row. But they just didn’t dare to spill any single words. They wouldn’t like to meddle into us. I appreciated that. I abruptly got up and dusted of the sands over my body. I grabbed my clothes that was scattered on the sand and hastily put it on my body.

       “You have to know that I really mean it when I said I love you,” I said while looking at her.

       “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I wish I could be a better man for you,” I added sincerely.

       I hauled up the car keys and threw it to Yuri without saying any words. Yuri skillfully retrieved it; looking dumbfounded.

       “Please send the girls to their home. And please take care of her, Yul,” I asked him then I left by dashing; without even looking backward again.

       But as wind blew up and tugged my straddles of hair behind; I caught her voice.

       “Don’t you dare to talk to me again before you’re going to tell me what the ing things happened to you, Taeng!!!”

       I squinted with my eyes shut and paused my step for a moment; trying to get rid of the twinge of regret that was creeping over my body; and just walked away.

       I was going nowhere but home. I absently shoved a chair and sit down after taking out a bottle of Tequila from my kitchen counter; where I used to stow my liquors. I poured a glass of it and drained it in one gulp; barely withdrawing some oxygen. I didn’t care about anything. I couldn’t think about anything. I experienced a broken heart ~ for the first time and I knew it was miserable and I had no idea if it could be fixed. I preferred to experience many hits than this one. My heart was break even more whenever I saw her hurt. Moreover hell, it’s me. It’s me – her boyfriend, her lover- who caused pain in her heart. Boyfriend? Still I?

       I just finished my second shots when she’s coming. I meant Yoona. She shook her head in disagreement and put my glass aside. I didn’t complaint and just stare at nowhere. I displayed a vacant look and as she knew me well, I just didn’t need to explain what was happening.

       “Long time I didn’t see you touch those liquor,” she smiled.

       “Hell, yeah,” I relied briefly. “I myself forgot the last time I touched ‘em.”

       “If I wasn’t mistaken, you touch ‘em two years ago. After killing a man. You exploded his head with your gun.”

       I nodded my head; cogitating it. It was obviously not kind of cogitation that you’d like to relish. Neither did I.

       “I would never got my peaceful sleep most of the time,” I admitted. “I valued the soul. He didn’t even know me and neither did I. I was been forced to do my father command. I knew it’s silly to say this but I was regretting for it but I didn’t have any choice. Ever. He never gave me a choice, instead.”

       “It wasn’t your fault at all,” she rubbed my shoulder understandingly. “You inherited his blood but we all knew you’re warm-hearted.”

       “Don’t say this,” I shuddered. “I was improper to get that compliment.”

       “I didn’t give you the compliment; neither flattering you,” she said. “I just told you the truth.”

       “Thank you,” I beamed a wry smile.

       “And it was my common knowledge,” she spoke up again. “That when you’re touching this liquor; means you’re in trouble or you remorse something,” she continued.

       “Is that about her?” she asked gingerly.

       Unconsciously I widened my smiled. Absent smile.

       “Are you two had a row?”

       “Fall out,” I replied briefly. “For the first time and I thought it was fatal.”

       “Success is never final, failure is never fatal,” she encouraged me.

       “It just a quote,” I argued but throwing her a smile. She knew how to soothe me well.

       “She found my wound,” I explained, finally. “And I just couldn’t tell her who, why, how, and so,” I added. She nodded understandingly again.

       “It was indeed complicated. If I were you I may got terrible headache.”

       “Oh, I would be happy if I experienced that,” I smiled. “It was more terrible. I found my heart broken.”

       Out of my expectation, Yoona giggled.

       “Was it funny?”

       “No,” she shook her head. “But if you experienced it, be sure, you’d find someone who was able to fix it.”

       “How could you be so sure?”

       “Because I believe it. All the things you need by now is only faith,” she said.

       “Yoong,” I called out her name after heaving a sigh. “If I told her the truth; I wasn’t sure she could cope with it.”

       “I mean… if she knew my father punished me because I built a relationship with her, what do you think she’s going to do? I was afraid finding her blames herself. I couldn’t receive that.”

       “I have no idea,” Yoona said after thinking for a moment. “But no matter what, if she loved you, she would find a way to deal with it. She would never leave you.”

       “Yeah, and if my father could do those mean thing to me; don’t you think he could do any harrowing thing to her? I’m sure you won’t forget that he was kind of person who would get rid of anything or anybody who was considered impede his way. I begin to think that killing was not only his job; but it turned to be an obsession, instead. It scared me to the death. Not because I scared about myself but rather than beloved people surrounding me. I don’t want them to get hurt. Not because of me,” I blurted out; without any pause.

       “I’d already considered that,” Yoona said. “But it’s your life, not your father’s.”

       “The choice is yours,” she stated firmly.

       After finishing the talk with Yoona, I was back to my room. I sit on my bed and reached my cell-phone, typing some message to Yuri. I just want to check the situation.

       FROM: Taeyeon

       TO: Yuri

       Where’re you? How’s the girls?

       By the next couple seconds I got the reply.

       FROM: Yuri

       TO: Taeyeon

       On my way sending Jessica home. I’d already dropped Tiffany at her house. Frankly, I felt sorry for her. Think she’s devastated. You should make it up. I could see how much she loved you.

       FROM: Taeyeon

       TO: Yuri

       Did you say anything to her? Did she try to ask any explanation from you?

       FROM: Yuri

       To: Taeyeon

       Yes, she did. But all I could say was I had no right to talk on behalf of you. I just said that you loved her very much and all you did was you thought the best for her. I also told her I bet you didn’t mean to hurt you. And actually I thought she was rather to worry than mad at you. The row was kind of manifestation of emotions, I guessed. Sorry for much talking J

       FROM: Taeyeon

       To: Yuri

       Ha ha. No prob, man. Thanks for encouraging me. I need some space. I’m going crazy.

       FROM: Yuri

       To: Taeyeon

       Just make it up. She deserves the best of you. Hwaiting! J

       I didn’t reply again as Yoona popped up in my room. I beamed a smile at her and knew what she was going to do. I saw her took a washbasin and headed to me. I took my clothes off. She bent down and squeezed a towel above the washbasin and gently compressed my wound. I jerked in pain; struggling to bear it. She dried it gingerly with another dry fabric towel and spread some cream to the scratches.

       “It begins to dry,” she mumbled. In fact, it wasn’t as painful as yesterday; but sting still.

       My body stiffed. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist in order to fight back the pain. Yoona observed that and gently hugged me to ease my pain. I didn’t find it as a strange view as we both know we felt kinship each other in a brother-sisterhood relationship. Whenever she cried, I also always provided my shoulder for her to cry on.

       I never got any idea how could hugging ease the pain; but I knew it’s true. It worked. It probably related with endorphine hormone that was released when we got excitement~ it’s just a biology common knowledge I got during my hard training time. She hugged me gently and rubbed my back gingerly. I drifted inside her hug for a moment without any intention.

       I didn’t see it coming.

       “Tae? I come to…”

       All I knew the next second was “she” suddenly emerged in my room. Capturing the scene.

       My heart pumped faster as if it nearly to explode. My chest tightened.

       I completely understood the situation. I absolutely could imagine what she was thinking. I probably would think the same if I were her.

       She clasped and jerked in dismay. Her eyes told me everything. Over my shoulder, I looked at her. Her eyes were teary but I knew she made a hard effort to fight back the tears. Maybe she wouldn’t want I thought she was poor. Yoona abruptly got up and released me from her hug.

       She was about to approach her but Tiffany hastily stepped outside.

       “She’s mistaken!” Yoona briskly tilted her head to me.

       I nodded feebly.

       “You have to catch up her! You have to expl…”

       She cut off her own sentences when she found I just didn’t even move for an inch.

       “Maybe it’s the way,” I said weakly.

       “What are you talking about?” Yoona glared at me.

       “I don’t think she’d back to me after all this time,” I replied.

       “I… I don’t get this. This is silly!” Yoona shouted at me.

       “She wouldn’t forgive me.”

       “You can tell her she’s mistaken.”

       “Perhaps it’s our destiny. She would forget me easier by this way. And find someone better. Someone with normal life,” I eyed at Yoona. My voice was crack. My neck was wet; and I discovered myself so vulnerable. So weak. So fragile. Another drop of tears was coming.

        “Would you like to give me some privacy, please?” I asked her.

        “Help yourself,” she replied in desperation then leaving me.

       “If only I could,” I mumbled. And I found myself no other than shattered man; with all of the weakness and would be broken into pieces in only one touch. 

to be continued...

Taeyeon was facing two hard decision: to maintain his relationship or to get over it.

But anything he'd pick, he just couldn't dodge the fact

~He couldn't run away to experience any feelings of agony and hurt~.

It's a common knowledge of us:

Love is hurt. But if you never felt hurt, you would never felt whole again as well.