The ride in the van was silent. Hyukjae sat next to the window, his forehead pressed against the glass, eyes shut. Donghae looked behind him at this scene, frowning. Hyukjae was fast asleep with a pained expression painted on his face.

Super Junior was heading to have breakfast with a new producer for their next album. They always liked the meet them first and discuss the basics, go over who would need more time in the studio, more vocal layers, more attention. Normally these meetings were fun - it was like a little vacation from their schedules. However, today it was different. Everyone was exhausted, with only Ryeowook expressing any form of energy.

"Age." Leeteuk sighed from the seat next to Donghae. He looked at Donghae, who slowly took his glance away from the boy in the back.

"We're getting too old for this." Their leader grumbled, fiddling with his headphones. Kangin reached and patted Leeteuk on the shoulder from the backseat. Looking back, Leeteuk spoke. "We've lost our edge. We were the classy hallyu representatives, but not anymore. There are so many other Super Juniors. And they're younger. We've lost it."

"Hyung-" Donghae tried to cut in, unsuccessfully.

"I'm leaving soon. We're going to be down to 9, less if you realize how many of us are busy elsewhere. Then everyone will follow. We're reaching our sell by date." He saw tears forming in his leader's eyes. Kangin squeezed the shoulder harder, soon leaning forwards and hugging the older man by the neck. Donghae stayed silent, getting out of his seat and moving to the far back to sit next to Hyukjae. He heard Leeteuk's sobs and wanted to jump from the van. Why was it always so difficult?

Hyukjae's head hit the window as they hit a pothole. The bang worried Donghae, who grabbed the other's head and brought it to rest on his shoulder. Hyukjae shifted, bringing his body toward Donghae's, and flung a limp arm onto the other man's legs. Still sound asleep. Donghae smiled, lacing a arm behind the other's back and holding tight. He placed his other hand in front of the one on his legs, hoping they could intertwine them. But he knew, he always knew, that showing that kind of intimacy was not Hyukjae's thing. He didn't do it in the privacy of his room, or in the privacy of vans, or even in the privacy of Donghae's home. Only on stage.

The van came to a sudden halt. Hyukjae's body flung forwards and almost hit the seat in front of him, but Donghae's grip kept him close. His eyes fluttered open, the light momentarily blinding him.

"Pit stop - if anyone needs some snacks or air..." The driver called, opening the door and stepping out the the car. Kangin stood up and whispered something into Leeteuk's ear about a walk. The other nodded and they got out of the car. Donghae looked down at the face still on his shoulder.

"We're staying here." He said. Hyukjae nodded.

"We're talking. Now." He said, bringing his hand to stoke the other's hair. There was no resistance. Hyukjae nodded slowly, shutting his eyes again.

"Why are you so tired? You have these bags under your eyes and I'm scared." Donghae whispered, leaning his cheek to the top of the other's head.

"I haven't been able to sleep. The house is so quiet - everyone always comes down to our floor, but it's still silent. Heechul comes for breakfast when everyone is around, but other than that he's gone. Leeteuk is silent, always on his computer, researching and saving his smiles for the camera. Kangin is always at SM doing that stupid catchup practice. Sungmin and Kyuhyun have been so down, always locking themselves away to wallow in their own misery. Yesung is...the same, but his playful antics have gone. Siwon is gone, Shindong is gone - at their own places, and Ryeowook only acts like that when we're all together." Hyukjae said this very calmly, tracing circles on Donghae's leg, not moving an inch. Donghae inhaled deeply, tightening his grip even further. Something told him this was going to get worse.

"But that's fine. I could live with that emptiness. It's just when I'm alone. My room is so cold, Hae, and it's dark and quiet." Hyukjae pulled his head up to look Donghae in the eyes. "You're always at your own place, and I can't be with you. I can't be that person in that apartment. And I want to be, but I can't."

Donghae gulped. He was sure he'd misunderstood. Was Hyukjae saying he couldn't do this? Do their relationship? Be with him?

His eyes must have said it all. "Hae, I'm not breaking up with you. Not at all. I want to be that person, but where we are in the world, our jobs, I can't be. I can't move in with you, because they would figure it out. I can't hold your hand in public, because they would know. I wish I could, and it's so tempting, but I can't"

"Hae, the more we do...this, this loving thing, the harder it is for me to resist it when we're just walking down the street, getting coffee, or visiting Yesung's family cafe. And it's killing me. I can't sleep without you near, without your loving self, but I have no choice." Hyukjae's tears started to flow. Donghae knew it was hard, him always wanting to hold the other's hand, squeeze his leg, be adorably sweet. It make everything more tempting. They had almost kissed on the airplane, while the others were asleep, only to see a red light from between the seats in front of them. The fans were everywhere, not looking for scandal but looking for the idols they adored. But the fans could be worse than the paparazzi.

"Donghae, I'm sorry, that I push you away, but I'm trying to get used to being alone." Those words made Donghae freeze. It was as if Hyukjae was saying they were going to split at some point, so he needed to be prepared for the solitary life that would proceed. He was preparing for their breakup. It was inevitable.

He let go of the other. He pushed back and removed himself from the close proximity they had. He felt a tear run down his face.

"Hae..." Hyukjae sighed, leaning in and taking the other's neck in his hand. He kissed him, massaging his neck and bringing his other hand to Donghae's waist. It was a kiss full of pain, from both ends.

Donghae pulled away, turning his face to the other window and wiping his tears. He still felt a hand on his waist, holding on for dear life. He turned back the grabbed the hand, holding it in his, intertwining their fingers. He kissed Hyukjae's hand, before bringing the older man to lie down, using his legs as a cushion. He looked down at the reddened, tired face.

Hyukjae didn't let go.

"Hae, I love you." Hyukjae whispered. Donghae smiled, once again running his fingers through his companion's hair.

"Don't ever feel alone, Hyuk. Ever. Call me, come see me, but don't ever feel alone. And don't ever prepare for being alone. Because you won't be alone. Not as long as I'm here, on this same earth as you." Donghae was rambling, but he didn't care. The words scared him, Hyukjae's fear of the future.

Hyuk smiled and shut his eyes, squeezing on Donghae's hand. After a minute, Kangin and Leeteuk came back in and took their seats, Leeteuk looking happier with a cup of coffee in his hand. Kangin looked back at Hyukjae's sleeping frame, and worriedly at Donghae.

"How is he?" Kangin asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Tired. He's getting lonely." Donghae said, looking down at his love. He felt horrible, for moving out, but he thought, somewhere, that Hyukjae could move with him. They could live together.

"Maybe you should sell, come back." Leeteuk offered, his own worried dissolved into a cup of coffee. Donghae ignored them.

In his mind, he cursed the world they lived in. He cursed Korea's elders for not accepting their love, he cursed the fans for restricting it, he cursed the other fans for constantly making up stories of them with other girls, causing rifts, he cursed the general backwards nature of their society, and cursed the fact it was making his monkey so broken. So cracked.

Leaning his head back, he looked out the window. Only 20 more minutes before they had to put on their faces.