2012, October 21st.

Dear Diary,

It's Halloween. The dorms feel empty and we're all acting like wandering strays, but it's to be expected. Teukie enlisted yesterday, so everything seems a bit disjointed. But I have to be happy, because despite the missing piece in our group, everyone seems to be getting along. Heechul even stuck around a bit longer than normal in the morning, seeing us all off and helping with breakfast. Of course he bolted the second Kangin woke, but we knew that would happen.

I worry about Heechul. Before I left last night, I heard him crying. He didn't get a chance to see Teukie off like we did, work and schedule and whatnot didn't match. I know they spent most of the night together, talking, and then the morning, before he had to go to work, but still, it's clear he wanted to be at the sendoff. 

Hyukjae came back from the hospital almost straight after the tests were complete. They had him rest until the next morning, and then let him go. He didn't come home, I know he can't, but he went with the members to the dorms. Home is still empty, still not really home.

While Hyuk was resting at the hospital, I went to talk with Teukie and Heechul. Things were tense, to say the least. We sat down and went over how to deal with Hyuk and his anxieties. Heechul wanted him to move in with me, full time, get away from the madness that is Super Junior for at least a minute. God, how I wanted to just say yes to that. I could picture it, the two of us waking up, having coffee and toast, meeting them at the SM HQ and just living life as normal. But as much as I want that, I know it's not possible. Teukie voiced that for me, thank goodness. He said that although it would make things better, it could be dangerous for our reputation, and by our, he meant mine and Hyukjae's. We decided that we would call a group meeting, without Hyukjae, and tell them about his anxiety problems and tell them to watch what they say. Avoid people who cause conflict, create a safe environment for him. That's probably why Heechul ran when Kangin woke.

I haven't been able to sleep at my house, I stayed with Hyukjae until 3am last night and went home for only a few hours. I cleaned a bit, although there is nothing to clean, I put up some decorations, although it's not yet December, and I called my mother. It was so nice to hear her voice. But despite everything, I can't stay long alone. Not knowing what we just went through. Is it wrong, that I feel the need to be constantly around him? To protect him? I will ask him tonight. Honesty is key, after all.

I think it's seeing Heechul without Teukie that worries me about any growing distances between me and Hyuk. Heechul seems older, sadder. He hates watching us promote while he sits in an office, hole punching and faxing. I wish they would just let him go on radio again, at least he enjoyed it. It's strange, he seems to feel unattached, referring to us like distant relatives, reflecting on his time in Super Junior as if it will never come again. Teukie kept him positive, gave him a shoulder to lean on, but now Heechul is the oldest and feels responsible. I saw him approach Hyukjae, check on him a couple of times. It was sweet, he's concerned. But he shouldn't be. We still love him, he's still a member, he's just not on stage with us.

Hyukjae though, my Hyuk. I'm so proud of him, so happy at how he is coping. He recovered so quickly, and never complained. They put him on some pain pills, and I'm monitoring him to make sure he doesn't grow to dependent on them, but otherwise he's fine. We laid together last night, not saying anything, jut resting. I let him fall asleep still intertwined with me, even though I knew I would have to leave. Before we exchanged a few words. I talked to him mostly, saying how proud I was that he was back, how happy I was at how he dealt with Teukie leaving, how thankful I was for him to hold my hand afterwards and look after me. He nodded, mainly, and then something truly amazing happened. He opened his eyes and met mine, and just smiled. An old, gummy smile, one I haven't seen in a while. Then he spoke.

"Donghae, I love you."

I swear, it was heaven.

The anxiety medication starts soon, unless something else happens. I doubt it will though, we're in a strong place. Nothing could break that now.

I don't know when I will write again. I'm not very consistent, Diary, and I apologize. I hope one day I can look back on this and remember how happy I was. No matter what actually happens.

And Hyukjae, if you see this, because I know you like to snoop around our house sometimes, just know this. I love you, so much, and at this moment in time, nothing can change that. We can fight through anything, and when you're ready, I want to fight with you. Take my hand, Hyukjae, and we'll fight.

, Donghae

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a/n: And it's done! Finally the conclusion is written and this rounds it off. I'm trying to stay moderately parallel to the real SJ events, so you'll notice the feeling in the entry and the dates and whatnot (sniff...pre scandal...sniff) but as for this part of the story, it's complete. I hope you enjoyed the ride! I re read the beginning and gosh it was messy, so hopefully it's gotten more coherent as I went along! Thank you for all your feedback and for taking the time to read this! I really appreciate it!! xxxx