Diary,

It's getting worse. Him. I can feel Korea suffocating him. I'm scared - the country we love so dearly is pulling us apart.

Well, it's not pulling us apart, but it's making us ashamed, sad, scared, and is that not worse?

He broke down earlier, my strong Hyuk broke down. In the van nonetheless. It's so unlike him, and it worries me. Our situation is bothering him so much, it's hurting in the core. He hasn't seemed genuinely happy since before I bought this place, before I tried to create a more solid future.

I'm not angry. Buying this apartment was silly - I knew he couldn't just move in, it would create chaos, but I wanted something that was ours. I hope he sees it that way.

I want to take his hand on the streets, eat at a cafe and share a plate, watch a sappy film together and do normal couple things. But we can't here, with our jobs, with our lives. And we're getting old.

I love him. I just can't show the world the one thing that is truly mine.

Yet.

- Hae

_____________________________________________________________

Donghae lay in bed, placing the notebook next to him, where Hyukjae should have been. He felt happy he had a love, but it still wasn't enough. Everything he had in life and it wasn't enough.

The memories of their earlier, happier, more innocent days ran through his mind.

_____

They're stay at the camp lodge - Adonis camp, was it? They really bonded then, became conjoined at the hip. The onscreen hugs, games, silly faces - their friendship blossomed. Donghae knew Hyukjae was special to him long before, but never fully appreciated it until then. Especially his stupid, adorable gummy smile. That just made him smile more than anything on that trip.

The shows, getting to do shows with his best friend. He could never match up to Hyukjae's dancing ability, not in most areas, but their talents evened out, each other's flaws complementing the other's strength. They made him happiest, working on stage with him. Those stages still were the most fun, and in his opinions, the best.

Leaving for China was difficult, but still meant so much to Donghae. Hyukjae did not cry when they said goodbye. Donghae was blubbering like an old ahjumma. He clung to Hyukjae, crying. I don't want to go, come with me, please,  I can't do this without you, why can't I stay? We can stay and just take break! I can't even speak Mandarin...I'm useless...just come with me. Hyukjae stayed strong and held to Donghae fiercely. You can do it, if anyone can go and break a new market with their charm and talent, it' you. Donghae, you are the one to do this. They need you. I'll still be here, waiting for you, like the rest of us. Donghae stepped back and wiped his eyes, holding Hyukjae's hand. He felt a squeeze, which was followed by a call from outside. They smiled and Donghae departed, just like that. Halfway down the hallway, he realized he forgot his phone in Hyuk's room. He ran back, eager to see his friend just one more time. What he walked into moved him more than any old drama - Hyukjae was collapsed on the floor, sobbing quietly, his hands shaking. Donghae looked into his best friend's eyes and saw that he was just as upset about the new group as he was. I'm going to miss you so much Hae Hyukjae was whispering, his voice already hoarse. Donghae fell to his knees and held onto his friend, whispering the same things he had been told not 5 minutes ago. Once he finally left, phone and bag in hand, he knew their friendship would survive the time apart.

Reuniting was sweeter than he could have guessed. He had never seen Hyukjae's eyes light up like that. They walked to each other slowly before embracing in a hug that nearly choked both. Donghae tried to suppress his tears, to no avail. Hyukjae laughed, his own tears starting to leak from the corners of his eyes. They said nothing, but walked side by side for as long as they could, exchanging glances that said it all.

Their first kiss was unexpected, but magical. Donghae had climbed into Hyukjae's bed soon after their reunion. They lay face to face, competing to see who would fall asleep first. Neither was winning. As with most of their games. Donghae yawned and stretched, hitting Hyukjae's face in the process. The latter growled, taking Donghae's hands and holding them tight. No more of that, fish. They smiled, Donghae moving closer to make his arms more comfortable. Silence fell, and soon both had their eyes shut. When they opened, their faces were right next to each other, their hands still clasped. Donghae woke to see Hyukjae sleepily staring at him. It was adorable. He quickly, innocently, pecked the others lips. Hyukjae didn't react, perhaps from grogginess. Their foreheads remained touching. Donghae closed his eyes and nuzzled their faces together, feeling Hyukjae's nose wrinkle from his smile. The hands remained clamped. Hyukjae moved closer. Donghae freed one hand and brought it to the other's shoulder. It was dark. They couldn't see. Donghae never knew who leaned in first. It just happened. They kissed, lovingly, sappily, caring. And it was perfect.

Their first visit to the Han river as a couple was far more enjoyable than any other visit he had previously had. When he went down in his trainee days with his first girlfriend, it was scary - forbidden, but not thrilling. When he went with his next girlfriend, he ended the date by ending their relationship, her tears falling into the passing stream. He had gone with Hyukjae, after his father's death. The whole band had showed up to comfort him, but it was still painful and Donghae only felt numbness. When Yoona dragged him down to confess her feelings, he felt empty. The girl that the media had been pairing him with liked him, but he felt nothing towards her. He had to watch her face crumple as he told her that he just wasn't...interested. The next girl was a quick fling, a quick kiss by the Han and then a not-so-sweet goodbye. He still felt nothing. With Hyukjae, his heart was spilling over with feelings. The ghosts of previous girls were somewhere downstream - only Hyukjae was with him. They sat near the water, eating pork from the street vender and laughing at the other couples walking by. They were holding hands, shyly dragging their feet and looking at the ground. Hyukjae remarked How silly, to be ashamed of their love. Donghae smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Hyukjae went bright red, grinning, his smile stretching across his face. Squeezing Donghae's leg, they finished their pork and strolled down the river, exchanging glances and often stopping to push the other.

____

Donghae replayed these memories in his head. They were sweeter than any dream he could conjure. The simplicity of their early friendship and relationship astounded him. How could neither know the complexities love would bring.