What I Want....
I Can be Tough
JIYONG POV
I often think that Kang Daesung and Lee Jinki were created as a matching set, supposed to have been born as twins. And then, when it was time for them to be born, a inseperable pair, together forever, God decided that that much naive stupidity together in one go was something the world could do without. So he put one in China and one in Korea. But then fate did her dirty work and now here they are, Daesung and Jinki, strolling down the hallway, toothy smiles plastered on their chubby faces, eyes squinted so tightly you'd think they were closed. So it's not really surprising when Jinki goes down, arms spread out superman style, face caught between that stupid smile he had only a second ago, and wide eyed surprise. Well, as wide as those eyes can get. Daesung looks just as confused as his friend and pauses a moment before pulling him back up, dusting him off, and then plastering those twin stupid smiles on their faces. I watch the whole thing from my locker. Daesung sees me and his smile falters for a second before growing brighter. Well. That hurts. Not that i'd ever say that out loud. Things have been wierd between the two of us since the party two nights ago.
"Jiyong, hey! What's up, are you going to prep school today? Dae and I were going to hang out in the library until it was time to catch the bus, do you want to hang out with us?"
Ummmm, how about no? Loser.
"Sure, Jinki-ah. Sounds great. Just let me get my stuff and I'll meet you guys there."
There's something almost feminine about Jinki. His thick lips and wide nose, the curve of his hips and thick thighs, the soft line of his face. Like Daesung (his spiritual twin) he's not exactly handsome in a loud or conventional way, but when you get closer to them, they have a certain irresistable charm. Jinki moves in the direction of the library but Daesung touches the pnky finger of his hand for a moment, just a soft brushwith his index finger, and the brown haired boy turns to look at him. They exchange a look, more like a quick glance, before Jinki nods and goes to the library ahead of us. I can't deny the sickening pangs of jealousy that fill my stomach. To have a friend that could understand me so completely that with a simple touch, my feelings could be conveyed. A friend who I never had to hide from...
"Hyung."
I look away from my locker, closing it slowly as my eyes meet with Daesung's. There's that determined look. He's been wearing it since that night, not unlike how I wear my mask.
"What are you doing after prep school?"
It's been getting harder and harder to keep up my swet act with Daesung. Every word out of his mouth, every gaze from those determined eyes makes me want nothing more than to drag my nails across his face. I let a slow smile tug forfully at my mouth, eyeing the younger boy up and down.
"Home."
His eyes falsh. He doesn't believe me. My smile turns into a thin line, spread over my face like a scar.
"Seunghyun is working" I let the word drip with sarcasm as I form air qoutes "Today. I'm sure Taeyang is too. I'm going home. Would you like to actually make sure I get to where I'm suppossed to be today?"
His eyes drop instantly with guilt. , Jiyong, get your together. I put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze lightly. Hmm, muscular. Nice, when did that happen? Why am i touching him again? He glances at my hand then up at me, eyes full of guilt. Oh yeah.
"Thanks for worrying about me, Dae. I know I haven't really been myself lately," He makes a sound at this that sounds suspiciously like a scoff. I choose to ignore it.
"But i'm just figuring a few things out. I feel bad knowing you're upset because of me. Think more about yourself."
You're dating a gangster too, dip. He looks up at me hesitantly and I give his shoulder another light squeeze, wondering how much pressure I can get away with applying before the gesture becomes violent. The smile comes easier at the thought and I pull him to me, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
"Let's not keep Jinki waiting."
Reassured he nods and we go to join the other boy in the library. We saty there for an hour, Jinki helping Daesung and I with our chinese homework, before we have to leave to cacth the bus that takes us down to the tutoring center where the prep school is. It's when we'r getting into the bus that my vibrates. Huh. Now who could that be? I decide to wait until i'm safely seated in a desk at the back of the classroom, safely out of Daesung's sight, that I pull out the phone. My eyebrows arch in surprise when I see Seungri's name flashing on the screen
From: Seungri
To: Jiyongie
Come play with me!!!!!!
To: Seungri
From:Jiyong
? I thought you had work today?
From: Seungri
To: Jiyongie
Jeez way to respond, like, a year later!!! I just had paper work. All done now. Come play with me!
Paper work? Gangs do that? Huh, learn something new every day.
From: Jiyong
To: Seungri
I'm at prep school. Can't play. Go to an arcade or something, kid.
From: Seungri
To: Jiyongie
What time does it end? Give me the address, i'll come pick you up.
From Jiyong
To: Seungri
Don't be a brat. Find something else to do. Go your girlfriend.
From: Seungri
To: Jiyongie
don't talk about her like that. It'll piss me off. and she's busy, working with Bom noona. I'll pick you up....... I wanna talk to you.
Hmmm. Is this Seunghyun's doing? I haven't seen him since saturday afternoon, after he took me home. Glancing up at the teacher pacing in front of the black board, I decide to give in and type him the address and time to come get me, making sure to remind him to park about a block away and not to bring that damn bike. The last thing I need is him waiting out there for me, with some gangster motorcycle when I told Daesung I was going straight home.
******************************************************
"hyung! Over here!"
Seungri flings his cigarette away and straightens up from leaning against the side of the beat up wighte car.
"Jesus, Seungri. This thing looks like it's been through the war."
He shrugs nad wraps me into a bear hug. I punch him in the gut.
"That wasn't very friendly. And it's my aunt's car. She's old, but she's never failed me before! 'Sides, you said no bike. So be nice to Charles."
"Charles?"
"Dara named her. Don't make that face, I tolde her Charles isn't a girls name, but she does what she wants."
"It's your car."
"And i'm her boyfrined."
"Jesus, does she keep your balls in a little bag in her purse?"
"Nah, I think she moved them. They weren't in there last time I looked."
I stare at his serious expression as we get into the car, dumbstruck. He blinks back at me, as if everything is normal. I can't hold it. I lean forward, my body shaking with laughter as I grab the dashboard and he pullls away from the curb, smile tugging at his lips. When I finally stop laughing, tears pricking at my eyes, I lean against the chair, completely exhausted. Laughing is hard work, how do Jinki and Daesung do it so often?
"So how was your day hyung? Anything interesting happen in prep school?"
"Oh yeah. We learned about how pigs are actually more closely related to humans than apes."
"Jinja?! No way, I don't believe you."
But he glances at me uncertainly, face betraying shock and curiousity. It takes everything to keep my face straight.
"Yeah, and if you breed an elaphant and a hyena, you get a hyephant and their blood acn be used to cure cancer."
His face goes from inocently shocked to incredulous and irritated.
"You're full of ."
"And you're a retard."
"Asswhole."
"."
"."
" face"
".... Bully."
"......... Bully?"
I glance at a quickly reddening Seungri and his hands tighten on the steerinh wheel.
"Aren't you supposed to be, like, the big bad boy with all the nasty words. I throw out a lame one like face and you hit me with bully?"
He sniffs defensivley and straightens his shoulders.
"I don't do well under pressure."
And he looks like a total baby, staring straight out the windshield huffily, and sudenly i'm laughing all over again and he is too and I really think we'r going to crash because Seungri can barely breathe from laughing so hard. But we don't crash and I'm still wiping tears away when we pull into a spot at the park down the road to my house. The place where I asked Seungri to me me that night. Not even a month. It feels like a thousand years. That reminds me.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"... Let's go on the swings first."
He's out of the car before I can answer and i'm left with no ther choice but to follow him. He doesn't look up as I take the swing next to him. We'r silent for a moment, staring at the ground as we swing back and forth slowly. Suengri is the first to break the silence, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I kissed you that night."
"Yeah you did. You tried to ing me. Wait.... Aren't you-?"
"I'm staright. And I love Dara. A lot. I was drunk then."
"Not that drunk. You drove here and then back to the club just fine."
He's quiet again and stops swinging completely. Suddenly his eyes are boring intensly into mine.
"I loved you. You were my first love. The way you took care of Dae and me when we were kids. I thought you were an angel. I never liked my life, but if you were there, then it couldn't be all bad. You were always so happy, after all..... But then I saw it."
I've stopped swinging now too.
"One day during lunch, you disapeared. I don't remember why, or what we were doing, but Dae needed you, so he told me to go find you. I looked for so long. I was going to give, but I heard your voice coming from a faculty bathroom on the third floor. No one else was around. You were telling yourself to smile. Smile,smile,smile. Over and Over."
My breathing has gotten shallow and there's a sharp pain in my left hand. I was clutching the swing chains so tightly, I cut myself.
"When I looked in.... I saw you. Your wrist was bleeding. I remeber running. Out of the school, down the street. Running so far. I met him that day. Back then, everyone still lived in the Big House."
My panicked mind recognizes the term. Seunghyun had used it the other night. But those thoughts are pushed form my mind when Seungri's eyes are back on mine.
"I felt.... Abandoned. I couldn't try anymore. I didn't want to. I was only ten. When you called me again.... after almost eight years... Honestly, I was so happy. I headed out immediately, left the club in a heart beat. But as I got closer and closer, I started thinking. That you just wanted to use me. To run away. When I saw you... In your nice clothes, still as beautiful as ever..... And then you smiled and spoke like nothing had ever changed. Like I was still a child. And all I could think of was your voice telling you to smile. The smile that broke my heart. I was so angry."
His puffy eyes are glistening with unshed tears and his image begins to blur, confusing me. It's not until I feel the wetness on my cheeks that I realize i'm crying too.
"Hyung, will you let me stand next to you again?"
His hand is holding mine, wiping my cut with his sleeve. I remember the way Jinki had touched Daesung earlier. A touch that needed no words. I curl my fingers around his and he looks back up at me. I don't know how long we sat there, holding hands, before I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
"I have to go home."
Seungri nods and we pile back inot the car. He stops a block away from the house so that my mother won't see the car.
"Hey, Ri?"
"What's up hyung?"
"..... Don't tell Seunghyun."
"... Okay."
The thought of Seunghyun knowing I could be weak, lose myself so easily, his dark eyes staring at the pathetic me...
"Don't tell him anything."
"I won't. I'll see you soon, hyung."
The last thing I think as I watch his tail lights fade away is how warm my hand feels.
DAESUNG POV
Six days and no change. 144 hours. Well, that's a lie, at least he's not always smiling around me now. I can tell when he's starting to get agrivated, when it gets harder to keep up the facade he's been living his life under. His ever present smile freezes into a tight press of bloodless lips and expressionless eyes. It's frightening and it hurts, but anything is better than being treated like everyone else. Sometimes, I find myself wishing that he'll snap at me, rip into me with venemos words. Hit me, hate me, scream at me. It seems masochistic (am I a masochist?) but it's all I've wanted since those glimpse of true emotion I saw on hyung's face at that party six days ago.
"Jiyong hyung hasn't been taking the bus back with us lately."
My attention snaps back up to Jinki as he rearranges the flowers behind the counter, eyes lowered and voice nonchalant. Jinki is one of two students at the school who aren't filthy rich. His family owns a flower shop and he goes to school on a scholarship. His innocent features and off the wall humor sometimes make me forget how smart he is.
"He does some other stuff before going straight home."
"hmm. You guys went out together last Friday, right?"
"Yes."
"Hmm."
"..... Jinki if you have something to say, say it."
And this is why I love Jinki, why I have never thought of him as a friend but more a brother, an extension of myself. For all my harshness and unjustified anger, he simply pulls a daffodil from a flower bed near the entrance and tucks it behind my ear, signiture soft smile on his face.
"You are a strong friend, Daesung-ah. Things can't change overnight and your strongest weapon has always been patience."
Significantly calmer, I open my mouth to tell him I have no idea waht the that means when my phones vibrates in my pocket. Jinki's smile turns mischevious as he waggles his eyebrows.
"I know who that is."
I haven't actually told him anything about Youngbae. I didn't really have to. Moving to the back of the store, I press the phone ot my ear.
"Daesung?"
"Hey."
"Hey... How are you?"
"As good as I was this afternoon."
I can't keep the smile out of my voice. We haven't seen eachother since last Friday because of his work, but he makes a point to call me whenever he has free time, even if it's just two minutes in the middle of my lunch period.
"Hahaha. I'm happy to hear that... I miss you."
"You're pretty cheesy."
"Yeah well, most people like it."
The smile on my face is whiped off by a sudden thought.
"Hey, hyung?"
"What's wrong? What happened?"
"No, nothing, I just..... You've been working all this week?"
"Yeah, i'm sorry we-"
"No, It's fine but... has-has you're boss been with you the whole time?"
"..... Yeah? Why?"
"So he doesn't get out before you do? Like at around eight?"
"Eight? Hell, no, hyung-nim works 'till freaking sunrise. Why?"
So it's not that man picking up Jiyong every day after prep school. Am I being too suspicious? Maybe he really does have things to do.....
"Dae? Hey, Daesung what's up."
"Nothing. Sorry. When will we see eachother again?"
I can practically hear him thinking about pressing the previous topic. Finally, he sighs heavily into the reciever.
"Probably Sunday. I don't know. But we.... Sorry I have to go now. I'll call you? Bye."
He hangs up before I can answer. It usually ends like this. I stopped being hurt by it after the twelfth time it happened because he always called back to apoplogize. When I walk back into the main room of the flower shop, Jinki is talking to a customer. A really handsome guy, his face all sharp angles and large eyes, brown leather jacket strewn over broad shoulders. He's leaning over the counter, tucking a flower beind Jinki's ear the way Jinki just did to me.
"-re by far the prettiest flower here."
I try not to gag. Jinki giggles. Well. The guy says something else than leaves the store, but not before whispering something that makes Jinki turn red as a tomatoe. I waggle my brows at him the moment the guy is gone.
"what was that all about?"
"Nothing."
I lift one eyebrow, unconvinced.
"I'm serious!! He said he was just looking for his brother."
JIYONG POV
Instead of being greeted by the familiar sight of Charles, dying a slow and painful car death, there's a simple but classy BMW waiting for me when I get out of tutoring on Friday afternoon. I approach it curiously, my accelerated heart beat already telling me whose waiting inside.
"I thought you said we could see more of eachother?"
His chuckle is low and breathy, a tired sound.
"Starting now."
I turn to face him and try not to look breathless. Judging by the tiny smirk on his tired face, I failed. If Seunghyun was handsome with blue hair, he's beutufl with black hair. The dark strands brush against his thick brows and seem to accentuate the dark glimmer in his dangerous eyes. Without the bright hair color to distract attention form his face, every detail, every imperfection is highlighted. The tiny scar above his left eyebrow, the tiny mole on his forhead, the swollen bags under his eyes...... How ing huge his ears are. Jesus Christ, did they call him Dumbo as a child?
"Do you like it?"
He runs a hand through his hair and gives me a lopsided grin. His voice sounds like it's being dragged over rocks on it's way out of his mouth. When was the last tiem he slept?"
"It's fine. Better than he cotton candy."
"Considering you're the one who told me to do it, I expected something a little more thinking."
"You'll only dissapoint yourself with wishful thinking."
"Come on, baby, do-"
"How many ing times do I have to tell you I have a ing name."
I just can't keep inside my head with this guy. Surprisingly, he seems to relax at my words and shakes his head, smirking.
"So then, Jiyong, are you spending the night with me?"
"It's Thursday, tard, there's school tomorrow."
"I have a name too, you know. And just skip it."
"You don't get to tell me what to do, Seunghyun. You may pick me up after school tomorrow.... You may pick me up after math club tomorrow."
"...Math club?"
"No prep school on Friday's. Have to do something before going back to that place."
"That place'?"
"My house."
He glnces at me as I stretch my feet onto the dashboard, his gaze heavy with curiosity. I meet the gaze, challengingly. We'r a block away from my house now, at the corner where Seungri always drops me off. Leaning over the divider, he presses his lips to mine, his breath tasting of cheap cigarettes and stale mint gum.I don't appreciate this asswhole taking the liberty to touch me so freely and show him as much by biting down on his bottom lip. He looks surprised for a moment when he pulls back, bottom lip red and already swelling. For a moment, anger breaks through the exhausted haze in those eyes and I feel the familiar fear that's always drifting in the back of my mind when I'm with Seunghyun. But then it's gone and he's pulling back.
"Call me when you want me to pick you up."
He doesn't turn to look at me as I open the door, and I can tell his teeth are clenched by the harsh line of his jaw. I envy him. His tall build, his strng body, his freedom.
"Seunghyun?"
I meet his lips with my own as he turns to face me, his bottom lip apologetically.
"See ya."
A/N: DUCKLINGS!!!!!! i'm sorry if the story feels really slow tempoed right now, i promise i'm trying to pick it up. but i'm writing a gangster fic and now that i've gotten into it, i really want it to feel like one, complecated relations and all! I don't want this to be a halfhearted fic with three main characters and boom, bam, bang, you're out. Of course, the story will remain strictly gtop!! but i just want you guys to know that it's not going to be all love and hugs and "oh seunghyun you've freed me from my pain!!" i'm sorry if i dissapointed anyone and i really appreciate everyone who is reading and commenting on this story :')
please enjoy this extra long chapter and forgive me if it's boring.
GUYS!! the new chapter is CHAPTER 14!! the chptrs were posted backwards by mistake. GO READ CHPTR 14 IF U HAVEN'T!!
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