“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. Top respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, ever, to forget”

Ever since she left, my life started to get sour and all I can feel is pain and nothing else. I force myself to be normal, to act like nothing is happening, but inside me, I’m dead and I’m so sure that I’ll be in this state forever. My heart is not functioning at all anymore, that’s why my mind is the one manipulating everything about me. I go with the flow, I do the things that I need to do, I smile when I needed to, but at the end of the day, I cry, alone in my room where no one can see and hear me.

I know where she is already. If it’s not for the non-stop scandals being thrown at her, I wouldn’t even know her whereabouts. The mouths of the people who are close to her were zipped and for almost a year, 10 months to be exact, I’ve been looking for her like a lost puppy who is looking for its mother.

“Hyung….have you talked with JYP Sajangnim already?” I asked Hyun suk hyung, days after Ishi left Korea.

“Yes…I asked him about Ishi’s whereabouts and he told me that he doesn’t know where she is” he answered and I suddenly felt weird.

“How come he doesn’t know where she’s heading? Didn’t Ishi asked permission from him?” I asked, totally pissed by the whole situation.

“She did ask for his permission…but…that’s just it…according to Jin young…Ishi doesn’t want to say where she’s heading” hyung answered and I shook my head.

It’s just so impossible. How can JYP Sajangnim let Ishi go somewhere he doesn’t know? Fine! I know that, that girl’s nutshell is really hard and once she gets her head in the game and have decided to shut the hell up, she wouldn’t even say anything about her plans no matter and whoever you are. She is good in hiding and if there’s one thing that I hate about her, it is her expertise in running away.

Looking for her is like looking for a shark in a river. I even have a feeling that she will not come back anymore. I’ve tried talking to her friends, but they’re really sticking with Ishi coz they didn’t even want to say a word I’m looking for a person in the dark and it tired me out for a while, but after missing her so much, I’ve decided to continue looking for her, until these scandals about her partying in the States came out.

“Hyung! You have to see this!” Daesung said looking frantic and worried.

“What is this?” I asked and gasped the moment I saw Ishi’s photo.

{Ishi Shin spotted partying at a club in New York}

I don’t know, but after reading this article, I started hating myself more. Ishi is obviously trying to move on for she’s trying her best to have fun. Thing is, her way of having fun isn’t the best at all. I know her, drinking is her weakness and clubs are not her thing. She’s enduring all these because that’s the only place where she can forget about me and her pain. I know her so well and for the very first time in my life, I agreed that the article is saying the truth.

“She’s in America” TOP hyung said and I gave a nod.

“Yeah…my guess is right…she really came back there” I said and the members nod in agreement.

“But Jiyong…we’re not even sure if she’s really staying in New York…remember what Eun hee told us a few weeks ago? She said that Ishi doesn’t stay in one place for long…that she keeps on moving…what do we know…today…she’s in New York…tomorrow in Jersey” Youngbae said and it really makes sense.

A few days ago, we were able to corner Eun hee at a coffee shop near the YG building. We begged her to give us some updates about Ishi which she does, but we can clearly say that she’s filtering her words. According to her, Ishi always move houses and that’s just it. I don’t know, but I didn’t really believe her coz there’s a possibility that she’s just saying all of this for me to stop looking for her friend anymore.

“OH! Noona!” I got shocked upon seeing my sister in our studio.

“Hey” she gave me a warm smile and hug.

“What brought you here?” I asked and joined her on the couch.

“I just want to see you” she answered and from the looks of it, she seems to have a different agenda aside from wanting to see me.

“Have you read about the article already?” I asked and she pretended to be innocent.

“What article?” she asked and I smirked.

“About Ishi” I answered and sighed.

My family is already missing Ishi a lot. If before, they were mad at her. Now, all they want is to see her. As expected, their hate wouldn’t last long and I’m so happy because they were able to forgive her.

“Yes…Omma…Appa and I have read it…and Jiyong…we are so worried about her” Noona answered and I sighed.

“Who isn’t? Noona…what will I do now?” I asked and she just stared at me.

“You know what Jiyong-ah? There’s nothing that you can do….it’s as if you can go there and rescue her….like what you said…America is so big…New York has a lot of nooks and crannies and looking for someone there is like looking for a needle in the middle of a busy street…I think…all you have to do now is contact the people that she’s been with all this time…coz they are the only ones who can really lead you to Ishi” she said and my mind were a mess once again.

How can I even contact Eun hee, Dong min and Eon hyung? Those three have changed their numbers already and I tried calling Daniel, but he himself doesn’t know where Ishi is. According to him, he just saw him once and it never happened again. He promised to help me find Ishi’s whereabouts through Eun hee, but he failed for his girlfriend busted us even before we started.

Days passed by and I’m still figuring out how to find Ishi in America. I don’t know what to do anymore for it’s been months now and I still haven’t found her. Yes, I know that I’m such an idiot for not minding her explanations before and not trying to work things out. I also regret leaving her. If only I can bring the past back, I wouldn’t even give a damn on what I saw. I will just let it be and pretend like nothing happened. But then again, the sight of her with another man in bed is not easy to take in. I feel like my pride was taken away from me and the man in me has been stepped on.

As a matter of fact, a few months ago, Khun made arrangements to talk to me through Hyun suk hyung and JYP Sajangnim. The two bosses called us for a meeting and it all ended with a pretty big fight.

“What is he doing here hyung?” I asked Hyun suk hyung upon seeing the jerk walking in the private room.

“Jiyong…the two of you need to talk” he answered and I stood up from my seat and was about to leave already when Hyun suk hyung grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down to my seat.

“You will stay here….you have to face him and be a man…don’t let your manliness go down the drain…he’s gonna face you with balls and you better face him with balls as well” he said and faked a laugh.

The moment Khun took a seat in front of me, I nearly punched him for my mind keeps on flashing back what I saw in Greece.

“Jiyong sunbaenim…I’m sorry…I know that it’s all my f