The rain was pouring down quite hard. You couldn’t help but shiver from the cold rain that was spraying on your left side of the body. You felt awkward sharing an umbrella with Lay.

'Seriously, what has gotten into you? You’re fickleness seems to be going against you as well.'

You wanted Lay to share the umbrella with you, because you honestly felt bad about taking it from him, and then leaving him behind under such weather. Why would he have to suffer for your irresponsibility, right? But now that it finally dawned on you that you were going to be stuck with him for a while, this set up was making you feel nervous as hell.

“Come a little closer, ____. Your side isn’t covered well. You’ll end up getting sick with what you’re doing,” he said to you over the loud noise of the rain.

You and Lay were walking back to your college building, and he was the one holding the umbrella.

“No. It’s okay. You should tell that to yourself instead.” You turned to see him doing exactly the same thing as you, effectively leaving a space in the middle.

“This is stupid, ____. Why are we even using the umbrella if no one wants to get under it?”

“Hey, it’s yours. I’m just a free rider here so you should take up more space.”

“If you don’t come closer, I’m going to leave the umbrella to you and run away just so you can be comfortable…”

You crossed your arms on your chest and just stared at him.

“I’m serious, ____. Luhan would be worried sick for you.”

'Did I just feel a blow in my heart? He’s doing this out of sympathy for Luhan oppa? Doesn’t he even care for me anymore?'

“So what’s it gonna be?” he looked at you.

“Okay. I’m gonna do it but you do it as well. I would feel bad if you catch a cold because of me.”

An undecipherable expression crossed his face, and he was quiet for a second as he averted his eyes from you.

“What? If you’re thinking about Mei Hua, you don’t have to worry. It’s not as if I’m going to bite you.”

He looked quite pensive and it irked you. You stepped closer inside the umbrella and pulled him to you.

“See? This doesn’t require calculus, Lay. You don’t have to make things complicated.” You rolled your eyes at him.

Lay was surprised that you would willingly let him be near you. He knew that somewhere deep in you, there was still a part of you that cared about him. But he knew that part  was something you didn’t acknowledge anymore. So your actions were making him secretly happy.

He had been waiting for a long time to have you near him like this again. Under the pouring rain, under the same umbrella, you were looking at him and no one else but him.

"Warm. My heart is feeling warm from the love I have for you. I want to hold your hand, to pull you into my arms, and kiss you as if you belong to me and only me. ____, it's killing me to have you stand near me, and act as if I am the only one who’s feeling this way.'

It was unfair to have you this close to him, when you wouldn’t even accept his heart. Yes, you’ve hurt him. And you were continually inflicting pain on him whenever you turn away from his love. You were playing push and pull with his feelings.

'You act as if you want me back, but you push me away the next. A little more teasing and my heart won’t able to take it anymore.  A man could only take so much.'

Silence passed between you and you felt weird.

You felt comfortable about it. It was the first time you felt at ease with his silence. You looked at him as he focused on looking at the road you were traveling.

'How was it possible for him to look even more handsome? His hair a bit wet from the rain, his serious expression, his eyes… how did I able to spend three months with him without realizing how enchanting his eyes were? And his lips… I have to admit that I missed those. Those lips that used to kiss mine, those lips that used to kiss away the tears on my face... Why didn’t I appreciate those before?'

He turned to look at you and caught you staring at him.

You both stopped for a while and just stared into each other’s eyes.

'Mei Hua…

Just for a while…

Just for a while can I pretend?

Can I pretend that he’s mine again?

Can I pretend that I’m the one he wants to be with?

Just for a while...?'

You felt his eyes uncovering your soul.

You had never understood Lay before. You never tried stepping into his world. He was always the one reaching out for you. He was the one who was constantly working on your relationship.

Looking at him like this, you felt your heart being squeezed so tightly you could cry. How could you be unfair to him? You never noticed until now, but you really had been attached to Lay. He had been there for you when no one else could. He had been your refuge whenever you needed someone.

You cared so much for Lay.

He had been your savior, your friend, and your lover.

How could you let him go like that?

'_____! You are a foolish girl! Now that he’s with someone else why do you suddenly realize your stupidity? Why didn’t you appreciate what you’ve had long before it was gone? Happiness is not about having what you want… it’s about wanting what you have. And you’ve had Lay. But you’re such a hypocrite to fail to realize how special a guy he is.'

“Lay…” you softly whispered his name.

“You don’t call me oppa anymore.  It was always Lay or Zhang Yixing… I’m still older than you, you know?” he said as he looked into your eyes.

You didn’t know what to say.

"How could I call you oppa when I don’t feel like I have the right anymore to call you that?'

You looked at the ground and bit your lower lip.

Lay heaved out a sigh and gently patted your head.

“You don’t have to call me that if you don’t want to. Don’t feel uncomfortable. I’m not forcing you into anything.”

'Why does he seem to say so much more than that?'

He then gently smiled at you.

“Let’s go. We don’t want to keep Luhan waiting for you any longer, don’t we?”

He took steps with the umbrella and noticed that you didn’t follow him.

You were rooted on the spot. You couldn’t help it. It was as if you were seeing things for the first time. Your heart was hurting so much for Lay.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” he said as he went back to you and covered you with the umbrella again.

He fumbled for his handkerchief, checking his jean pockets. When he was able to get it, he raised his hand and gently wiped your wet face with it. He then tried wiping the excess water on top of your head as much as he could with the said cloth.

You looked at him and felt your eyes starting to water.

“Lay…” he met your eyes. “I’ve hurt you, haven’t I?”

His hand on your head stopped moving.

You turned your head to the side and blinked the tears away. “I’m sorry, Lay.”

You looked at him again. “Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” you made a move to hold his hand. “Can you? Can you forgive me?” your eyes pleaded with his.

“I hope you’re happy with Mei Hua, Lay… I sincerely hope that she’s the one for you. I hope she’ll love you and do things right with you… which I obviously failed to do.”

You removed your hand from his, and encircled your arms around his waist instead. You leaned on his chest and turned your head to the side, avoiding his eyes. “You’re a good person, Lay. You deserve the best.”

You stayed like that for a few seconds, nuzzling his chest and trying to cherish the moment even if his arms didn’t hug you back.

Lay was confused with your actions. You had never been this confrontational with him. You had a knack for avoiding serious conversations like this. You didn’t even pick up his call a few days ago. So why were you being like this all of a sudden? He felt tongue-tied he couldn’t even tell you the things he wanted to.

When you felt that you were already pushing your luck too much, you pulled away from him and gave him one last look before running away.

The rain was drenching you, and you finally released the tears that were aching to be released.

You wanted to tear your heart open and chop it into a million pieces.

Why would it only work when it was too late?

Why would it tell you that you were in love with Lay when you had let him go already?

How could you say you want him back when you don’t deserve him?

You loved him and you had realized it far too late.

It was only right for you to grant him the best thing you could give him…

…the freedom to find love and happiness in the arms of another.

I won’t meddle with your life anymore Zhang Yixing.