White.

The room seems to be outrageously bright.

Overloaded with white.

The lights overhead, the sheets, the curtains, everything looks so sterile and white.

He looked around him and saw various kind of medical instruments; blinking and beeping, showing numbers that he do not understand or even cares, but no one there. He is alone.

Still in his green hospital gown, HyukJae tried to get up from the bed. ‘DongHae’, he thought, the last time he saw him, the Fishy’s face was so devastated and sad. His tears fell upon HyukJae’s face.

He must search for that Fish. He needed to assure his lover that he is now all right.

He tilted his head aside and saw a door. A wooden heavy door, which was slightly ajar, allowing small light get through it. Bare feet, he slipped out of his bed slowly. Still unstable on his knees, HyukJae leaned on the wall for support towards the door.

Exiting from the door, HyukJae saw familiar faces along the corridor. Just several feet from him, HyukJae saw JunSu with Sunny in his arms. JunSu was humming a lullaby softly, trying to calm the crying baby. His spouse, who’s also HyukJae’s boss, sat at the bench beside them with HyukJae’s other ‘family’ member.

Beside YooChu-hyung, with both eyes closed, HeeChul-hyung’s head tilt rested against the wall. His hands securely wrapped in his Chinese boyfriend’s large hands. The China-man muttered prayers in his mother tongue silently. Once a while, the man threw his weary glance towards lover. His eyes dark with concerned.

At the bench opposite them, HyukJae saw the YunJae couple. JaeJoong and YunHo sat silently by each other’s side, fingers linked together tightly. The usually loud and cheerful couple now looked listless and tired. 

Still searching for DongHae, HyukJae’s eyes wandered past his group of friends. At the end of the gloomy corridor, he spotted his love.

DongHae sat on the floor, far away from the crowd, alone.

The man was still in his blood-tainted shirt and short pants. He bent his right knee up and rested his arm on it. He left the other limb sprawled lazily across the aisle. He hung his face down and his bangs become a curtain obscured his facial expressions from others.

Determined, HyukJae started his shaky steps towards his lover.

***

He went towards his friend and the crying baby. Silently, the red head crept from behind JunSu, then he touched Sunny’s puffy cheek. The 5 months old suddenly stops crying and giggled at HyukJae’s touch.

“Cute little girl, don’t cry. Hyukkie-oppa is here”.

***

Feeling a little bit shocked at the sudden change of his baby’s behavior, JunSu turned to HyukJae’s direction. His eyes wildly searched for any presence behind him. However, those gazed went through HyukJae, not seeing him, as if he was not even there.

HyukJae opened his mouth, he called out for JunSu, but it seemed that JunSu could not see or hear him at all.

Bewildered, terrified, and deadly scared; retaliations started to sip into HyukJae’s mind. Trembling, he turned around and faced a mirror behind him. He saw all his friend’s reflections in it except of his own.

Still unable to fully understand what was going on at that moment, he reached out to touch the mirror. His almond shaped eyes widen in astonishment as his pale long fingers went through the mirror, turned unimaginably transparent just like Casper went through walls.

***

‘Dead at last’

Standing motionlessly in the middle of the corridor, HyukJae clutched his chest tight. HyukJae expected for the tears to roll down of his eyes upon knowing the news, but they doesn’t. He also expected to feel a squeeze on his heart denying it, but the pain didn’t come, not even a tug.

‘So, this is how  dead feels like..’

Everything just fell dead. The pain, the tears even the emotions, they just fall dead.

HyukJae chuckled bitterly at his own humorless joke.

Acceptance slowly sipped into HyukJae’s soul as he slowly turned he gaze towards his friends and lover. Gained more confidence, HyukJae carefully walked past his friends, towards his lover. Everything around him seemed to move in slow motion at this point. He doesn’t know whether it is he who moved too fast, or it was because his time on earth is running out short.

As he reached DongHae, he crouched down in front of the man. He stayed close to the man until their knees almost touched. He then silently studied his lover’s face.

‘So handsome this fish, even when you’re frowning like this’.

Smiled sadly, he traced his shadowy fingers along Donghae’s face and jaw line. As moments goes by, HyukJae noted that his hands also become less and less visible compared with a minute ago.

***

“Baby, there are a lot of things that I want to say to you at this moment, but of all things, I want to thank you.

“Thank you for teaching me how to love again, if you never came and hug me that night, I’ll forever lose in my sorrow and believe that I was left alone in this world.

“Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Even though I did not worth it, you make me felt like I was the precious most jewel ever existed.

“Thank you for being my strength when I really needed it. Our memories together and my dreams of meeting you again were enough to push me through my life before.”

As he said this, HyukJae noted a very bright white light emerged from the end of the corridor. He looked at the light for a moment, and he knew, his time is almost up.

‘Just for another minute, God.’ He begged.

He turned again towards his beloved one and cupped his paled face in his hands. He kissed DongHae’s forehead feather lightly and whispered against his skin.

“Baby, if there’s any regret in my life, I regretted that our forever came too short. I am sorry that I cannot love you more beyond this point. I am sorry to leave you here. I am so sorry, for not being able to hold you tight at this moment. God knows how I wish I could whispers soothing words to you, saying everything going to be alright. I am so sorry that my love to you makes you suffer like this,

"I'm so sorry for being this selfish. My frozen heart still love you even it had stop beating all together.”

Feeling the light getting bigger and brighter at his side, HyukJae said his last words at DongHae’s ear.

“Fishy, I love you forever, don’t forget that.”

As he finished saying this, HyukJae slowly walked into the bright white light. His body slowly, by degrees grew invisible, evaporated in the thin air. By the time, he turned his gaze towards his lover and ‘family’ for the last time, HyukJae’s body almost blended fully with the light.

He halted his step and looked upward, ‘Oh God, I never go against you ever all this time, but I may ask, I really refuse to leave them like this..’

HyukJae’s visions became more blur as he engulfed deeper into the light. He heard somebody called him from afar, before everything turned white.

fin***

there will be epilouge (if people read and comment on this)  

anyway, Happy fasting to all Moslem^^