Instead of heading home, I took a bus to the park we always used to go to. It was dark by the time I arrived. Walking through the dimly-lit park, I found our old spot. It was a bench beneath a large-tree. I sat down and pulled out my ipod. It was full of songs we listened to together, sang to together. Though his singing always surpassed my own.

Sitting here alone, I knew it was a bad idea to come here. All I was doing was perpetuating my own foolishness. I was hurting myself. But my mind was full of “ifs” and “why couldn’t I”.  Sometimes I wished I had been different because then maybe we could have been together.

I could have been there, been comforting, and been a warm presence in his life. But I was always so cold to him. Not on purpose. I loved him more than he’d ever know. I knew the end was coming that day he wanted to meet me. Yet, I still went there smiling. I didn’t want him to leave. I actually pleaded with him to stay. And he said, “If you had appreciated me more, maybe this could have been different. Mianhae.” He bowed deeply to me as if politeness would change anything at this point. Then he walked away.

Those tears that he’s never seen in two years of dating came out as he walked away. Was I being dramatic? Probably, but when your first love breaks your heart it is as if nothing else matters in the world other than that pain. And that hurt can last forever if you let it. I didn’t know that it could hurt so much.

Seeing his face today only made everything more difficult. I missed him so much every day. This isn’t love. This is torture. Why would I put myself through this???

My increasingly depressing thoughts were interrupted by more vibration from my pocket. It was Wooyoung.

I can teach you how to dance! I’m a really good dancer. Very cool looking. J

I giggled despite myself and immediately texted him back.

I don’t believe you. ;P

When it sent, my stomach growled and I realized that it was almost nine o’clock. What had I been doing this entire time? My father was probably home by now, so I figured I could eat on my own. Where to go though?

I promised myself then to not go to any of our old places ever. So, I would try a different place. I really wanted spicy fried pork, it being one of my favourite things to eat. I left the park and walked a few streets away to where I had seen a restaurant that served it.

Upon entering the restaurant, once again my phone went off. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but maybe it was one of the 2PM guys. Didn’t they have six members? In any case, I opened the text.

I hope your number is still the same. This is Jung Byung Hee.

What on earth was I supposed to say to that? I set my phone down on the table, deciding to answer it later. For now, I would enjoy spicy fried pork.

A couple days later, my father had gone to work again, but this time I decided not to go. I had been texting 2PM on and off since we met and had not texted Byunghee back. What could I say to him?

It was around six o’clock when I received what was probably my hundredth text of the day.

N: We are going to a club tonight. Please come with us. It will be so much fun! ^^

E: Sure, why not? What time??

He told me to meet them at a club in Hongdae at nine o’clock. I had about two and a half hours to kill before it was time to leave. I had not been to a club since I left Seoul about a year ago and that was not a good night. I had gotten plastered and made out with people I didn’t know and had never seen again.

Did I have anything to wear? I jumped up out of my bed and ran to my closet. Throwing the doors open, I rifled through my dress section. I had a slight shopping problem. I bought clothes nearly every week. I bought jeans and T-shirts more than anything and rarely got dresses. So my dress section was lacking. I maybe had five dresses that were needed for assorted events for the past couple of years.

I frowned at the selection. Maybe a skirt would do. I searched threw them and found a short grey a-line skirt. I hadn’t worn this in some time either. When did I last wear this? It didn’t matter at all. I tossed the skirt onto my bed and decided on a rose pink top with a sweetheart neckline.

Now that this burden was surpassed, I could take that nap I had been craving all day, but too lazy or bored to actually go through. I did not really have friends here. Then again, I did not have friends in America either. Not by choice, but during high school I was busy with Byunghee though I did meet some trainee girls who were nice, but it had never gone past that.

If I had friends I could be doing something besides lying on my bed, though I had moved to the couch for a little while today. I guess the 2PM guys could be friends though they were more acquaintances. They were very friendly and were not so put-off by my attitude. I was much friendlier when I didn’t have to speak in person. Why? I never knew. But confrontations or declarations in person made me feel awkward and nervous. The end result of the conversation would be me answering “I don’t know” to every question directed my way.

Byunghee understood this, but with him it wasn’t so difficult. We could talk about serious matters in person. I just looked into his face and it quelled the nervousness in my body. He was the only person I could talk to. Perhaps if I had spent more time fostering a relationship with girls instead of being with him all time…but there wasn’t any time for my ifs.