The pounding in his head woke him up.

Or maybe it was the sunlight streaming across his face, the beams of which pierced his skull even through the thin membrane of his eyelids.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.”

Groaning, he rolled over, burying his head beneath a pillow.

A hard slap on his had him bouncing off the bed as he spun around, irate. The moment he became aware of his surroundings, though, his anger fled and a deep, nauseating fear settled in his stomach.

Dear, God, what had he done?

Looking down at him, Jonathan chuckled softly, a bemused expression on his face masking the pain that flared within his chest.

“I see from the look on your face that I made the right call last night.”

“I…Did we…” Sehun broke off, his dry lips as he sought to find the right words. “What happened?”

“Not what you’re thinking,” Jonathan replied wryly, handing Sehun a glass of water and a couple aspirins. “Your virtue’s safe with me.”

Sehun blushed, taking a moment to swallow the pills and collect himself. When he was done, he passed the glass back, casting a look down at himself. He wore only his briefs, which sent a tremor of apprehension up his spine, but he knew Jonathan: he would never lie to him.

“I don’t remember much,” he admitted softly.

“Not surprising,” Jonathan said with a shrug. “You were coherent enough by the time we went to bed but who knows how long or how much you’d been drinking before I found you.”

Sehun gasped, eyes widening.

Jonathan laughed loudly this time. “Oh yes, we slept together.” As much as it pained him, and it hurt like hell if he was honest with himself, he couldn’t ignore the ridiculousness of the situation.

Sehun rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes. “I wish I could remember.”

“Why don’t I help you out?” Jonathan offered, pulling up a chair to the foot of the bed. He didn’t want to be too near Sehun, needed that distance for his own self-preservation. “We came up here, you told me about him, your Luhan, then you asked me to make love to you. I thought it was a bad idea but I want you enough to take you any way I can have you, I think we both know that, so I didn’t resist. You kissed me, I kissed you back, clothes started coming off and then…you fell asleep.”

“I…” A deep blush bloomed in Sehun’s cheeks. Gosh, how embarrassing…

Jonathan nodded. “Conked right out the minute your head hit the pillow. If I were a less confident man, my ego would be in ruins right now. As it is, I think it was probably for the best. I could’ve roused you, and you had been willing enough, but then we would’ve both regretted it come morning. Nothing happened but you should’ve seen your face when you woke up thinking that something did. I wouldn’t have been able to bear that.”

Sehun felt like the worst sort of heel. He remembered thinking that Jonathan was just what he needed to cure what ailed him. He had been fully prepared to take advantage of Jonathan’s feelings for him, hadn’t spared a thought to what it would cost Jonathan in return.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Jonathan smiled. “You were in pain. Sometimes it makes us do things we ordinarily wouldn’t. Trust me, I know from experience.”

Sehun’s blush deepened further. Every time Jonathan reminded him of what he’d done to him, it made him feel even worse but he deserved it. No matter what Jonathan said about letting him go and supporting him, he was right about one thing: if Sehun had felt for Jono as deeply as Jono felt for him, as deeply as he now felt for Luhan, he never would have left. He would always be remorseful about that, that he hadn’t been able to love Jono the way he deserved.

“So nothing happened, don’t worry. I stayed with you, partly because I was afraid you’d vomit in your sleep and choke on it and partly because…” Because I love you and if this is the last night that I spend with you, I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity. “…because.”

There were words better left unsaid, Sehun knew, but it didn’t really matter. Jonathan’s eyes spoke volumes, always had, even if his mouth didn’t.

Jonathan stood. “Anyway, up you get. Time to put on your big-boy pants, or any pants for that matter, and face the day.”

Groaning, Sehun flopped back onto the bed. “I don’t want to.”

Jonathan pulled his toe. “Tough luck, baby. If you want to get that man of yours back, you’re not going to accomplish that from this bed. Or are you giving up?”

“No!” Sehun blurted immediately, sitting up.

Jonathan smiled again but there was a sadness around the curve of his lips. “Well, then. You know what you have to do.”

He waited while Sehun showered and dressed, gathering the few things Sehun had brought for his one-night stay and piling them on the bed.

When Sehun emerged, fresh and clean, Jonathan had to take a moment to catch his breath.

It had only been a few years so he hadn’t changed much physically but it felt like such a long time since they’d been together that it seemed impossible that the years hadn’t left a mark on him. He looked exactly as he had the first time he’d set eyes on him, the day he’d given his heart to him without knowing what lay ahead. He didn’t regret it, wouldn’t change a thing. It was better to have had Sehun, to let him go and only be left with memories than to never have experienced any of it.

“What?” Sehun asked, frowning, stopping a few feet away. “Why are you staring?”

“You’re hot, how can I not?”

Sehun rolled his eyes and flung his towel at him, his damp hair clinging to his forehead as he bent to throw his things into his knapsack.

“It’s not like you haven’t seen it all before.”

“It’s been a while, in case you’ve forgotten,” Jonathan retorted. “Besides…since this is probably the last time, there’s no reason why I can’t file it away in the old memory bank.”

Sehun paused, turning to look at Jonathan. He’d forgotten how honest, brutally so, Jonathan was. It was ironic, the situation he’d found himself in. Honesty was what he wanted most from Luhan, to know what he thought, how he felt, just…something. Everything. He’d always gotten that in droves from Jonathan and yet, every word out of Jonathan’s mouth was a knick at his heart. Being in love with the person made all the difference, he supposed. That and the fact that he’d always feel guilty for the way things had played out with Jono. It would’ve been different if they’d grown apart as the years went by; instead he’d cut their story short by leaving during the heights of their relationship. He’d always wondered what would’ve happened if he hadn’t left. Would he have eventually learned to love Jono like he’d wanted him to? He’d never know now, would he? After Luhan… Well, there was no after Luhan. Luhan was it for him.

“Stop that,” Jonathan chastised sharply.

Startled, Sehun blinked rapidly. “Stop what?”

“Thinking. Over-thinking. We are where we are, there’s no going back. We can’t undo the years.”

Sehun’s gaze dropped. “I’m just…sorry, I guess.”

“Stop being sorry!” Jonathan sighed, exasperated. “Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it. It when you left and it when I heard you were back but didn’t hear from you for almost two years. It that I still have these gnawing feelings for you but you know what, Sehun?”

Sehun looked up. “What?”

“That’s my problem. Mine. There’s nothing for you to be sorry for. You didn’t run off on me, didn’t cheat on me. You left for a legitimate reason, one that I supported. Now you’re back and you’re in love with someone else and I’m happy for you. Truly. And I want you to do whatever it takes to get him back. Don’t live with regrets like I did. Do. There’s a part of me that wonders if there wasn’t something I could have done. Visited you maybe. I could have but I didn’t. A part of me was afraid that I’d get there and you’d be living this fantastic life with all your artsy friends and wouldn’t need or want me anymore.”

Sehun’s eyes widened in surprise. “Jono…”

“I know you wouldn’t have, you’re not like that. That’s exactly my point. I let fear get in the way and I lost my chance. I lost you. I sat back and did nothing when I still had the chance. Don’t be me, Sehun. Don’t let him get away.”

Sehun sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t even know if he wants me, though.”

Jonathan walked towards him, stopping a foot away. He looked down into Sehun’s eyes, seeing the frustration and uncertainty there and felt an answering chord in his chest. “He’d be a fool not to.”

Sehun laughed mirthlessly. “I’m no great prize. You of all people should know that.”

“Exactly. I do know,” Jonathan said seriously. “If he doesn’t want you, he’s an idiot and, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve you. I don’t think you’d fall in love with an idiot, though.”

Sehun shook his head from side to side. “He has his moments,” he joked.

“Don’t we all?”

Sehun looked up at Jonathan and for a moment he felt a genuine pang of regret. “I wish I could have loved you like you wanted me to. I have a feeling you would have been good for me.”

“Mais, bien sûr.” Jonathan grinned when Sehun rolled his eyes. “For you and to you. Alas, the heart wants what it wants. Go and get your man, Sehun-ah.” Jonathan cupped his face, thumbs gently brushing the soft skin of his cheekbones. “And if by some miracle he really is dumb enough to walk away from you, I’ll be here. Ready to help you pick up the pieces. I can wait. It’s one of the many things I’m good at. Okay?”

Sehun nodded silently.

For a moment Sehun thought that Jonathan was going to kiss him and for a moment Jonathan considered it but in the end, he pressed his lips to Sehun’s forehead before dropping his hands, taking a step back.

It was symbolic, in a sense: they both knew it.

This was goodbye.

**************************

There were needles pricking beneath his skin.

At least, that was how he felt.

Since he’d woken up that morning, there’d been this nervous tension in his gut, an uneasiness that, no matter what he did, he couldn’t seem to rid himself of. Now his entire body was awash with an itch that set his nerves on edge.

Striving for calm, or at least a distraction, Luhan flipped through the television channels until he came to his favorite station, the one with all of his telenovelas. He’d fallen far behind in the past month and had no idea what was happening with his favourite characters.

“Mister Luhan, do you want something to drink?”

Luhan glanced up at Magda as she strode into the room, duster in hand. He’d forgotten that she was even in the house, so preoccupied was he by his discomfort.

“Um, no thank you. I’m fine.”

“Do you know what you want for lunch today?” she asked as she began moving around the room.

“No…” He sighed. “I don’t have much of an appetite today.”

Magda frowned. “Are you alright? Are you sick?”

Luhan shook his head. “No, I’m fine. I just…”

Luhan paused.

He suddenly found himself wanting to be alone and he was of half a mind to tell Magda to leave, to take the day off. What came out of his mouth instead shocked them both.

“How is he?”

The minute he spoke the words, his heart sank. For a moment he hoped that Magda hadn’t heard him, then he hoped that she would just ignore his question but by the look on her face, eyebrows arched, eyes filled with comprehension, neither of those were going to happen.

“I imagine you should ask him that question yourself if you really want to know.”

Hot colour filled Luhan’s cheeks and he turned his head to hide it.

He was surprised when Magda continued, though.

“On the surface, he seems fine. He’s as talkative and funny as ever. But…”

Luhan turned back to her when she stopped.

“He’s having trouble working. I know because sometimes I just see him sitting at the easel, not moving just…frozen. And he looks sad – when he’s not putting on a face and acting like everything’s okay – like he lost the most important thing in the world to him.”

Luhan’s heart clenched at her words and his gaze dropped.

“Why don’t you call him? I know he’d love to hear from you.”

Luhan shook his head helplessly. “I can’t.”

Magda took a step towards him, her voice earnest and pleading. “He misses you and I know you miss him. Why don’t you…”

“When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it. That’s not what I’m paying you for,” Luhan snapped abruptly, his body tense with this sudden onslaught of anger.

Realizing what he’d done, and seeing the hurt in Magda’s face, Luhan was immediately remorseful. Magda was just trying to help, he knew, because she cared. She hadn’t deserved his misdirected fury.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized profusely. “I don’t know where that came from. I…” He shook his head, not knowing what to say. “I’m just under a lot of pressure right now, with the showcase coming up tomorrow. But that’s no excuse. I am so sorry, Magda. Truly.”

Magda’s expression was hard, closed off, and Luhan could see that he had broken something fragile between them.

Defeated, he said, “Take the rest of the day off. I think I’d like to be alone.”

“Yes, Sir,” Magda replied coldly, turning and leaving the room briskly without a second glance.

Sighing, he switched off the television and curled up in a corner of the sofa.

It seemed that he was destined to push everyone away.

Could his life possibly get any worse?

*****************************

Could this be considered stalking?

Sehun didn’t think so. He was in a public place, at an event that was also open to the public. It didn’t matter that he’d been involved with one of the participants. All were welcome, the flyer stated. He was “all”.

He stood in the back, out of the way where, if Luhan happened to look out at the audience, he wouldn’t easily be seen. The audience was surprisingly large, especially considering the time of day, so that certainly helped.

Sehun wasn’t hiding exactly. He had no problem with Luhan knowing that he was there but for Luhan’s sake, so as not to make him nervous or on edge, he thought it better to remain out of sight. At least until the end of the show. He hadn’t yet decided if he would let Luhan know that he was there. He wanted him to have this day, for it to only bring him good, happy memories and he wasn’t sure how Luhan would react to seeing him. It saddened him to think that Luhan might not want him there but the possibility of ruining Luhan’s day, which he’d worked so hard for, hurt more.

The show had only just begun: Luhan wasn’t on stage yet. There was a group of small, totally adorable children doing a fairly advanced, incredibly acrobatic routine. Sehun winced just looking at the way their young limbs bent and curved. Better them than him, he thought. His body certainly wasn’t built for that kind of flexibility.

When the children finished, he clapped enthusiastically. They’d done a great job and their little faces shone with delight at the enthusiastic applause.

After the little ones came a group of adolescents, followed by teenagers. He quickly realized that the order was chronological so he bided his time, enjoying the routines that each age group had to offer. When the twenty-somethings, or the professionals rather, were called on stage, Sehun found himself holding his breath. He hadn’t seen Luhan in far too long but more importantly, he hadn’t seen Luhan in his element, doing what he loved, what gave him life, in what felt like forever.

Someone came cart-wheeling onto the stage, immediately earning shouts and applause from the eager audience.

One by one the members appeared, stopping at different points of the stage in some kind of abstract formation until finally, Luhan appeared. Unlike the others, he just walked on, coming to a stop at the center, but despite the simplicity of his entrance, there was a commanding presence about him, a graceful power in his gait, a steely focus in his eyes. Not to mention the fact that he looked, as usual, ethereal and otherworldly.

Sehun was understandably mesmerized.

A loud, ear-splitting boom exploded from the speakers and Sehun would’ve probably winced, or grabbed his ears at the very least, if he hadn’t been so single-mindedly focused on Luhan that he barely heard a thing. The music began pouring out of the sound system but it seemed to come from far away. His eyes, his thoughts, his heart were just filled with Luhan, eating him up. He followed the lines of his body, his shifting expressions, drinking in the sheer joy on his face, the genuine happiness shining like light-beams in his eyes.

He’d never been more beautiful.

Absently, Sehun took his phone out and snapped a picture. There was no real intent behind it, not at first, but before he knew it he found himself calling up his contacts and sending the picture. He then made a short video, barely ten seconds of the performance, before sending that too, including the location of the event.

If he wanted to be with him, he needed to see him, truly see him for who he was.

The event was scheduled to last about four hours, this was merely the beginning, the opening to wet the audience’s appetite. He had more than enough time to make it, if he really wanted to.

**************************

Jongin sat at his desk in his office, poring over documents.

He loved his job, he really did, but there were times when he wondered why he hadn’t gone into a much easier, less demanding field. Dealing with people’s finances, especially rich, spoiled clients who expected him to work miracles for them, had more drawbacks than benefits.

And still, he loved the challenge: lived for it. However, there were days when he just wanted to say it and stay in bed, or take off for a vacation somewhere. Heaven knew he was long overdue.

A pang of remorse resonated in his chest. He didn’t need to be reminded that he had once again broken a promise to his partner. Where Luhan was concerned, the love he felt for him was only challenged by the guilt.

“Mr. Choi wants to reschedule his 2:00 meeting. Something about his wife needing him to accompany her to pick out some China patterns for a party they’re throwing.”

Jongin glanced up at his secretary, expression incredulous. “Seriously?”

Ga Eun shrugged. “That’s what his secretary said. She sounded just as unimpressed as you look. I gather this kind of thing is fairly common.”

“Do these people not realize how hard it is to fit in regular meetings between the ton of I have to do for them? To make sure that they can even continue to afford their ing China?” Jongin groused.

Ga Eun tut-tutted sympathetically. “Pretty sure they don’t care, Boss.”

If anyone else had said that to him, he’d probably have fired them on the spot but Ga Eun was as much his friend as his secretary. They’d started in the company at the same time, he as an intern on the upper floors and she in the mail room. Though their upbringings and social statuses were completely different, they’d somehow developed a rapport. What cemented their friendship, however, was the fact that she hadn’t slept with him. Had outright refused to. Oh he’d tried, in the beginning, but she’d shut him down time and again, summarily putting him in his place when she’d said, rather coldly, that he couldn’t pay her to him. He’d admired her straightforwardness and complete disregard for the fact that he probably could’ve gotten her fired.

They’d been friends ever since.

She was his only friend actually, or rather the only one he considered a friend. She was the one person in the entire firm who actually had an idea of who he was as a person, what was going on in his life. At least, to some extent. He’d never quite worked up the courage to bare his soul to her but from the looks she sent his way sometimes, he suspected she knew. There were rumours, naturally, and they couldn’t all be wrong. He’d considered talking to her about Luhan when things were at their worst but he simply couldn’t bring himself to. He couldn’t admit how much he’d ed up, that he’d failed.

He had many acquaintances at work, people he had dinner with on occasion, went to the golf club or had a drink with, but there was always that edge of competitiveness between them that kept the relationship on a wary, impersonal level. It was like no matter how far removed from the workplace they were, they were still each other’s rivals. Show even a hint of weakness, and the pack would descend like vultures. He, especially, had to be on his guard since their bosses and some of the firm’s clients showed such favoritism towards him.

They didn’t know, would never know, what that favoritism cost him.

Sighing, he reached for his phone just as a text came through. Frowning in puzzlement, he opened it, his features immediately hardening.

Another message came through, this time on his LINE. He opened it and saw that it was a video. Already having an idea of what the video included, he hit play, watching expressionlessly as Luhan moved across a stage, face shining with sweat, eyes shining with joy, a huge grin plastered across his face.

His heart clenched even as anger stirred in his gut.

What the are you playing at, Oh Sehun?

Exiting the program, he shot to his feet, shoving his phone into his pocket as he grabbed his jacket and roughly put it on.

“I’m heading out for a bit,” he announced through clenched teeth.

Ga Eun stood up, eyes wide with surprise and worry as she took in her boss’ demeanor.

“What? Where are you going? You have an 11:00 with Mrs. Lee.”

“See if you can reschedule that for the 2:00 slot that Mr. Choi so kindly vacated. Tell her there were some issues with her portfolio and I want to have it sorted out before she arrives.”

“Mr. Kim…Jongin!”

Jongin paused with his hand on the doorknob, glancing back over his shoulder.

“I’ll be back by 1:00.”

He threw open the door and stalked out, leaving a confused and slightly frightened Ga Eun behind.

When Jongin got to the address that Sehun sent him, the Dance Expo, as it was titled on the banner hung across the entrance, was at intermission.

He hung back, watching as people milled around, visiting a couple of booths set up at the side of the large room against the wall or talking to people dressed in matching outfits. The dancers, he assumed.

Eventually, he spotted Luhan. He sat at the edge of the stage, talking to a couple of children. There was a little boy climbing up his back and shoulders and he held the hands of a little girl, swaying to-and-fro as she preened cutely. The smile on his face completely stretched his cheeks, his bright, white teeth bared for the world to see.

Jongin had never seen him smile like that, had never seen him so at ease.

The sight stirred feelings within him, a longing that he hadn’t even been aware of before. He’d never really considered having a family with Luhan but suddenly he could picture it now, waking up to this every morning. A small smile curved his lips even as sadness tugged at his heart.

He cast his gaze around, looking for another familiar face. He was still looking, unsuccessfully, when the dancing resumed.

Luhan’s group was up first. They started off by introducing themselves: Luhan’s introduction the shortest and shyest of the bunch. The ladies in the crowd ate it up, cooing about how cute he was, which made Jongin chuckle. They talked about the Expo, how long they’d been preparing for it and what their intention was. Of course, Jongin had known nothing about it, which was exactly the point his inviter was trying to make, he assumed.

After their opening talk, they performed a fun, upbeat pop number that Jongin watched with a severe seriousness, eyes tracking Luhan as he moved skillfully across the stage. Anyone looking at him would think he wasn’t enjoying himself. His expression gave no hint of the inner turmoil, the emotions warring within him.

When the number was done, he made his way out. He’d seen enough.

Pulling out his phone, he typed out a quick text, hitting send hard.

He had a score to settle, once and for all.

**********************

When the text came, Sehun wasn’t sure what to expect.

In fact, he hadn’t been sure anything would come.

He’d seen Jongin at the back of the hall, looked on from a side doorway as he watched Luhan dance. His expression had been unreadable, which confused Sehun, and the minute the performance was done, he’d left. He should’ve known better, though. By sending the picture and video, he’d metaphorically thrown down a gauntlet. Jongin had never been one to walk away from a challenge.

“You know where. I’ll be waiting.”

He certainly didn’t mince words either.

As Sehun walked into the restaurant and bar in the too-familiar hotel, hopefully for the last time in this regard, he couldn’t help smiling to himself.

This confrontation had been a long time coming. Jongin’s planting his fist in his face had only been the appetizer. The main course, hashing out what had really gotten them here, had been put off for far too long.

He spotted him sitting at a booth on the bar’s side, sipping on something copper-coloured, an intensely brooding expression on his face. He made his way over, stopping beside the opposite seat.

“Hello, Jongin.”

Jongin looked up, expression hardening the moment his eyes settled on Sehun’s face.

“I wasn’t sure you’d show up,” he said calmly, though calm was the furthest from what he felt. Truth be told, he had to fight the urge to wipe that smarmy expression off Sehun’s face with his fist.

“When have I ever declined an invitation from you?” Sehun asked smoothly. “Especially when it was issued so…succinctly.”

“Enough,” Jongin said sharply. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“As you wish,” Sehun conceded graciously, sliding onto the empty seat across from him.

“What was that about earlier? Were you trying to flaunt the fact that you knew something I didn’t?”

Sehun shook his head. “No, far from it. I figured if you were going to be with him, if you were really serious about it like you claim to be, like he seems to think you are, then you should see him. Truly see him for who he is, what he’s capable of, what he’s interested in. The fact that you didn’t know, well…” Sehun paused for dramatic effect. “That says more about your relationship than I ever could.”

Jongin laughed mirthlessly. “Oh, and I guess you think you know him better than I do.”

“Well enough to know what’s going on in his life, or that he even has one,” Sehun retorted. “He may not be working for me anymore – and that’s a damn shame because he was really good at his job, whether he worked with me or someone else – but his life does not revolve around you. Perhaps it used to, but that’s what landed us in this mess in the first place.”

“You landed us in this mess,” Jongin snapped, leaning forward across the table. “You just couldn’t leave him alone, could you? You couldn’t stand the thought that he was mine.”

Sehun laughed incredulously, shaking his head. “Do you hear yourself? He’s not yours. He doesn’t, can’t, belong to you. He’s a human being, not a god-damn painting in your gallery.” Sehun’s expression grew serious as he leaned forward as well, making the gap between them that much smaller. “Let me give you a few home truths, Kim Jongin. Yes, from the moment I saw Luhan I wanted him. He was the most beautiful creature I’d ever set eyes on and something inside of me urged me to make him mine. But that’s not why I asked him to come work for me. Do you know why I did that?”

Unsurprisingly, Jongin didn’t answer. The rage that seethed inside him kept his teeth clenched.

“He looked sad. I’ve never seen anyone look so lost and utterly hopeless in my entire life. I thought to myself “How could hyung not see how unhappy he is? It’s so obvious to me.” Eventually, the reason for your ignorance became obvious. Luhan simply wasn’t as important to you as your work. You didn’t see because you didn’t care to.”

“That’s not true!” Jongin swore.

“Oh really?” Sehun asked dryly, brow cocked. “You came to me twice and twice I put aside my own feelings and I told you exactly what you had to do to make things work. It was so simple too. All he ever wanted from you was you, your time, your love, but those were the things that you couldn’t give him because everything else was more important to you than he was. You say I wanted him because he was yours? Pfft!” Sehun scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself. No matter how attracted I was to him, if he didn’t have a beautiful soul to go with the outer shell, he wouldn’t have appealed to me. I’ve never been in awe of you or your belongings or connections. Isn’t that one of the reasons we were friends to begin with, back in the day? Because I was one of the few kids in school who didn’t like you for what you could do for me but simply for who you were? It’s the same with him. He’s so nice and sweet and kind, thoughtful. After being away from home for so long and meeting so many people who were only interested in being associated with me because I was a hot commodity, it was refreshing to meet someone who didn’t know or care about any of those things, someone who was genuinely genuine. You had that. You had that and you threw it away.”

Jongin sat back in his seat, knocking back the contents of his glass quickly. Sehun’s words hit too close to home. They both knew it, even if he didn’t like it. He couldn’t refute anything Sehun had said so far.

Sehun leaned back too, taking a deep breath as he sought to settle himself. He’d come here to get the things he’d been holding back all these months off his chest but he hadn’t come with the intention of making this as painful for Jongin as possible. Regardless of what Jongin thought of him, he wasn’t spiteful, even if the anger and hurt at Luhan’s rejection lingered beneath his words.

“Although I had feelings for him pretty early on, I never did anything about it,” he continued. “I promised myself from the beginning that I would never over-step that boundary; I would never actively pursue him knowing that he was taken. I didn’t hide my feelings and perhaps that’s a sneaky way around it but I never made a move on him. He had to come to me of his own free will and ultimately, he did. Everything that happened between us, he initiated. There was no seduction in place here. I didn’t bewitch him; he didn’t temporarily lose his mind. What happened between us was the result of months of two people getting to know one another, growing closer, developing a bond that neither of us expected.” Sehun paused, glancing down at the table for a moment before meeting Jongin’s hard gaze again. “I’m not saying these things to hurt you. I just want you to know what happened. I can only imagine how shady and unseemly you think everything went down but it was nothing like that. This was never about . You don’t know what it was like for me, loving him the way that I did, do, yet having to say goodbye to him at the end of every day, knowing that he was going home to you, not knowing what would happen when you came home; if it would be one of your good days or a bad one. When I asked him to work for me, I wanted to help him become independent. I guess, in that way, you could say I did want to take him away from you but not for myself. He was miserable and I wanted to give him the means to liberate himself from you if he so chose. I never once told him he should leave you, certainly never offered myself as a replacement. I didn’t want that. If he fell for me, it had to be because he wanted me not because I was the better option. This was never a competition. There was never going to be a winner.”

“He chose me in the end, though,” Jongin said, voice slightly husky.

Sehun nodded. “He did. Congratulations. Did it make you feel better?”

Jongin didn’t know how to respond to that and he suspected that Sehun wasn’t really expecting an answer.

“And you and I both know that that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care for me. In fact, he would have to, wouldn’t he, to get involved with me in the first place."

Again, Jongin couldn't dispute anything that Sehun said and it realled irked him to have to admit, at least to himself, that Sehun was right.

"All I wanted was to make him happy,” Sehun said softly. “And I did. I know I did. I don’t know why he chose you, he has his reasons, but when we were together, he was happy. He thinks he’s doing the “right” thing but what is the right thing and is it the right thing for him? That’s what he needs to ask himself.” Sehun cocked his head to the side. “That’s what you need to ask yourself.”

Jongin’s lips tightened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“All this time, Luhan has put you first. He put up with your because he loved you and he hoped that one day you would love him back the same way.”

“I do love him,” Jongin insisted.

“I know that. It was the only reason I helped you out those two times, the only reason I held back. If for a moment I’d felt that you weren’t sincere, I’d have thrown our friendship away immediately. Instead, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I hoped you’d open your eyes and realize how blessed you were. But…you didn’t. You cheated on him, you hurt him, you pushed him away, time and time again. So when he finally came to me…” Sehun shrugged. “I gave you every chance to show that you deserved him. I’m not trying to be mean here but there was only so much that I could do to help you when you wouldn’t even help yourself.”

“You could’ve come and told me point-blank, man to man, that you were lusting after my boyfriend,” Jongin sniped, his barely contained rage seeping into every word.

“So you could turn around and put your hands on him again? Make him feel bad for wanting something more, something better for himself?”

“I never…”

“What? Never put your hands on him?” Sehun challenged. “Let’s not delude ourselves, buddy.”

Jongin’s eyes narrowed. “Were you always this y?”

Sehun shrugged lightly. “You use your fists, I use my words. Ironic, isn’t it, considering the fact that I’m the one who makes his living with his hands.”

Jongin grit his teeth. “Are we done here?”

Sehun shrugged again. “I don’t know. You tell me.”

“I think I’ve had enough of your smartass remarks. Your face is starting to make me sick.”

Sehun nodded. “Okay then.” He paused. “If you don’t mind, there is one more thing I have to say.”

Jongin counted to ten, striving for patience, before giving Sehun a curt nod to continue.

“There’s a saying that if you want to know if something is really yours, let it go. If it comes back, then it was yours all along and will continue to be so. If it doesn’t, it was never really yours to begin with.”

“So you’re saying I should let him go to you?” Jongin asks sarcastically.

“How will you ever know if you never take the chance?" Sehun's expression gentled. "He loves me: I know he does, even if he’s never said it. He never says anything. Every day I’d wish he would just open his mouth and let me know what was going on in that head of his, good or bad. I don’t know how that doesn’t drive you crazy.”

It did, more than Sehun would ever know. Jongin also longed for Luhan to just give him a clue that they really were on the right track, that they were together in this, working towards a future. But Sehun was the last person he’d admit that to. It would only confirm whatever suspicions Sehun already had about the state of their relationship and he’d die before giving him that satisfaction.

"He’ll never leave you on his own, we both know that, but it doesn’t mean that he’s where he wants to be. If you let him go and he chooses to come to me of his own free will, then…” Sehun trailed off, leaving the rest unsaid.

Jongin watched him for a minute and Sehun could see the struggle in his features, knew that he was lucky that Jongin hadn’t just pounded him into the ground the second he laid eyes on him.

Finally, reaching a point where he could use his voice again, Jongin said, “You can go now.”

Nodding to himself, Sehun stood.

He started to turn away but, as if catching himself, turned back with a sharp jerk.

“I don’t regret loving him and I wouldn’t undo anything that happened between us but…I do regret hurting you. That was never my intention. Whether you believe it or not, it’s the truth. I know now that there was never any way that that wasn’t going to happen, betrayal is still betrayal and I lost a friend in the process, but for what it’s worth…I am sorry, hyung.”

Jongin watched him go, swallowing the anger and hatred that threatened to choke him.

He didn’t know what was worse: the fact that Sehun had the audacity to apologize or that he believed him

A/N: Dang, Sehun went in hard. Do you think he was out of line?
Also, this chapter should just be titled "Truly[madly, deeply] considering how many times it's used, geez.
And there are a lot of structural mirrors. Totally unintentional. I didn't catch them until I was proof-reading.