Sehun sat at the easel, staring blankly at the canvas before him.

Or maybe it was staring at him now, wondering why it was blank to begin with.

It had been like this every day for weeks. He would wake up, telling himself that today would be the day that he would finally finish one of the few remaining paintings he’d been commissioned to do by the resort, but every day he would sit there, staring at the canvas, brush held loosely between his fingers, mind a million miles away.

The only time he was able to do any work was when he allowed himself to think about Luhan. His upstairs studio was overflowing with new portraits and sketches, scenes he’d dreamt or memories he’d recalled that he couldn’t resist putting on paper or canvas. He had no problem then.

Sighing, he set down the brush and stood, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck. A quick glance at the clock on the wall told him that it was already 6:00pm.

“,” he swore.

He was going to be late if he didn’t dress and get on the road soon.

As he showered, he pondered whether what he was doing could be considered stalking.

Technically, he’d been invited to the gala. Granted, he’d only accepted the invitation when he’d learned that Jongin’s firm had been confirmed as guests as well and since Jongin was their poster-boy, the one they pimped out to the public as the face of the firm, he felt that the chances of Luhan being there were exceedingly high.

He just wanted to see him, he told himself. Once he saw that he was doing well with his own two eyes, he would feel better.

It hadn’t been this bad a month ago, the ache, the loss, the loneliness, but a month ago they’d still been in contact. Their emails had been a mere fraction of what they’d once shared but it had been better than nothing given the circumstances. Then, about two weeks prior, his emails began bouncing back. At first he’d thought it was a mistake, some glitch in the server, but when it happened again and again and again, he’d been forced to accept the only possible meaning: Luhan had blocked him.

He’d gone a little crazy then, panicking, choking on the fear that Luhan had really decided to honor his choice by cutting Sehun out of his life for good. Not seeing Luhan every day was one thing but no Luhan at all…it was inconceivable. He couldn’t live without him, he just couldn’t.

Eventually he’d calmed down, gotten a hold of himself and rationalized that Luhan wouldn’t have done it unless he’d felt like he had to. He didn’t know what was going on in that house, had no way of knowing if Jongin was actually keeping his word for a change, but that didn’t matter. Sehun had promised to always respect Luhan’s choices and this, unfortunately, was one of them. He still hadn’t given up on Luhan, not by a long-shot, but he was giving Luhan time and space to do…whatever it was Luhan felt that he needed to do. This was by no means the end of them. He truly believed that.

However, he wasn’t stupid enough to believe that seeing him tonight would send Luhan running into his arms. Luhan was in a difficult position and he understood that, accepted that he’d made the decision that he’d thought was right. However, he still hoped that Luhan would eventually come to the realization that what was right wasn’t necessarily what was right for him and if seeing Sehun sped that along, well…he was nothing if not helpful.

The drive into the city was a somber one. He was actually proud of himself for remaining calm and collected. When he talked to Luhan – and he would ensure that it was when, not if – he had to project that same calmness. If he showed how he truly felt, like he was a dying man and Luhan was the last drop of water on earth, it might freak him out and that was the last thing he wanted. He’d always maintained that he wanted Luhan to come to him on his own and had done his best not to try to sway him with the depth of his emotions. He didn’t want to be an obligation like Jongin was to Luhan, didn’t want him to feel like he owed it to Sehun to repay the kindness he’d shown him. It had to be of his own free will or he didn’t want it at all.

Or so he told himself.

There were days, however, when he felt so desperate that he understood why Jongin would take Luhan any which way he could have him for it was better to have him, whatever the reason, than to live without him.

The event, when he arrived, was like any other. There was a lot of preening, boasting, -kissing and ego-. Sehun was so thankful to not be obligated to be nice to these people, although he was never purposely rude and if he was short at times, well…it was easily excused as his artistic temperament.

In his eagerness to see Luhan, he’d accidentally arrived early, which meant that he had to endure the monotony of the rich and pretentious’ company a lot longer than he would have liked. As time ticked on, a half hour turning into an hour, he began to fear that he’d been wrong and Jongin and Luhan weren’t going to attend. Finally, around 9:15, they appeared. His eyes zeroed in on Luhan, immediately looking for signs of strain or illness, a clue that something might have been wrong. Thankfully, and somewhat disappointingly, he seemed to be doing well, smiling up at Jongin and laughing at whatever his business acquaintances were saying. He looked, for all intents and purposes, happy.

Sehun wasn’t sure what to think of that. On the one hand, he was glad that Luhan was okay, at least on the outside, but on the other hand it stung. He was downright miserable without him yet Luhan seemed perfectly fine. He knew that looks were deceiving and that Luhan had never been one to wear his emotions on his sleeve but it still hurt to see him so beautifully bright and charming with someone else.

Throughout the night, Sehun kept his distance. He didn’t doubt that Jongin knew he was there and though he was tempted to boldly greet him, a throwing down of gauntlets of sorts, he didn’t want to cause a scene and, more importantly, didn’t want to embarrass Luhan or put him in an awkward position. Instead, he bided his time, waiting for the perfect moment to approach Luhan which finally came about an hour later.

He watched, hawk-eyed, while Luhan exited the room and headed towards the corridor leading to the restroom; waited another minute or two before heading in that direction himself.

As he approached the restroom door, his heart began thumping in his chest, stomach churning a warning to turn back. He couldn’t, though. He’d waited so long for this moment.

He paused, took a deep breath, then turned the door-handle.

It was déjà vu and yet…not really.

He wasn’t surprised, not at all, to hear the door open behind him. Wasn’t surprised to look in the mirror and see Sehun standing behind him. The minute he’d realized that Sehun was there, he’d known that it was only a matter of time. Perhaps that was why he’d eventually broken away from Jongin, once again while he was preoccupied with business, to go to the bathroom. Just to get it over with instead of having it hanging over his head for the rest of the night.

“Sehun-ah,” he said softly, turning to face him.

“Hello, Hannie,” Sehun replied in that rich, beautiful voice of his.

They stood there a moment just looking at one another, taking their fill before getting down to business as it were.

“You look well,” Sehun noted. Luhan didn’t miss the almost accusatory tone in his voice.

“You’ve looked better,” he replied with a small smile. Sehun was handsome and dashing as always, Luhan didn’t think he could ever be any other way, but the strain was there, around his eyes, the corners of his mouth. “You look tired.”

“Sleep and I are going through another one of our many divorces,” Sehun joked.

Luhan smiled as expected but the words tore at him, knowing that he was to blame for the state Sehun was currently in.

An uncomfortable silence fell between them, one neither of them wanted to break but both knew couldn’t go on forever.

“What are you doing here, Sehun?” Luhan finally asked warily.

“Why do you always ask the obvious?” Sehun retorted, a sad smile twisting his lips.

“Don’t do this to yourself.”

“How can I not? You won’t answer my calls, you’ve blocked my emails…”

“It was the right thing to do,” Luhan argued.

“ the right thing!” Sehun snapped. “How about doing what makes you happy for a change?”

“How do you know I’m not?”

“Are you, Luhan? Are you happy?” Sehun laughed mirthlessly. “You wouldn’t know happiness if it slapped you in the face and said, “Here I am, let me hug you.””

“That’s not true,” Luhan denied, shaking his head. Sehun had always had a way with words but man, did they sting this time.

“It is and we both know it. You’re so caught up in doing what’s right for others that you never do what’s right for you.”

“And what about what’s right for you?” Luhan asked harshly. “Should I leave Jongin and come to you because it’s what you want? Because it’s what would make you happy?”

Sehun rocked back on his heels, tucking his hands into his pockets. “No,” he said simply, and despite his own brewing anger, Luhan knew that he spoke the truth. “I want what I’ve always wanted: for you to be happy. Whether it’s with me, on your own or with someone else, I don’t care. But I know that you won’t be happy with him. You know it, I know it, even he knows it.”

Luhan had nothing to say to that. What could he say, honestly?

Dropping his hands, Sehun took a couple of steps forward. “Do I think I can make you happy? Yes, I believe so,” he answered earnestly. “My idea of happiness isn’t showering you with the best that money can buy. It’s giving you the best of me; helping you to achieve whatever dreams you hold dear. Have you even told him about your dancing?”

Luhan shook his head, unable to deny him a response.

“He doesn’t even know what you want to do with your life yet being with him is the right thing? Hannie…” Sehun cupped his face, thumbs a feather-light weight brushing across his cheeks. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Luhan opened his mouth but only a harsh breath came out. He had no words, nothing to credibly justify an answer.

He placed his hands over Sehun’s, briefly allowed his fingers to slot into the empty spaces between Sehun’s, before gripping them and gently pulling them away.

“I have to get back.”

“Luhan…”

“No!” he snapped, feeling like if he didn’t get out of there soon he was going to choke on his emotions. “Enough, Sehun. That’s enough.”

“There can never be enough,” Sehun whispered. “Not for me. Not for us.”

All of the rage and anger seeped out of Luhan at the brokenness in Sehun’s voice. He had done that. Well done, Lu.

“One minute,” Sehun beseeched.

Luhan immediately began shaking his head, remembering what had happened last time. “Sehun…”

“Please. I promise not to do anything you don’t want.”

Luhan scoffed, his cheeks pinkening as he shook his head incredulously. Sehun knew, they both knew, that that was a loaded statement and Luhan wasn’t enough of a hypocrite to refute it.

“Okay, I promise not to do anything period,” Sehun amended quickly. “Just…please. One minute.”

“Sehun-ah…”

“Please, Luhan.” The agony in Sehun’s voice was almost unbearable, Luhan’s heart feeling like it could explode at any minute. “I need this. I need you.”

Luhan closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath to try to calm his racing heart.

This wasn’t going to end well, not for either of them. Perhaps it had never been possible. But they’d known that, hadn’t they? Someone was always going to get hurt. He just hated, to the very marrow of his bones, that it was Sehun.

“Okay,” he whispered, opening his eyes to meet Sehun’s tortured gaze. “One minute.”

Time stood still, or so it felt. Their movements, as they came together, moved into each other, seemed like mere muscle ticks of motion, like neither one of them really wanted the minute to begin because the sooner it did, the sooner it would end.

When finally they stilled, Sehun’s arms around his waist, his around Sehun’s, Luhan laid his head on Sehun’s shoulder and closed his eyes, breathing him in, committing every second to memory.

It was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet, obviously, for it would definitely be their last, but he was forced to admit that he’d needed this as much as Sehun had. More, perhaps, because doing the right thing was hard and he felt emptier and more alone with each passing day. Jongin was trying so hard and he appreciated the effort, he really did, but Sehun was like an ever-present ghost haunting his dreams, his thoughts, his every waking minute. Sometimes he felt like he was going out of his mind, the confusion and conflicted feelings threatening to tear him apart.

But what was done, was done so with that in mind he allowed his arms to tighten around Sehun for a brief moment, savoring the feel of him, before relinquishing his hold. He didn’t pull back, wouldn’t do that to Sehun, but the fact that he had ended his part of the embrace should send the message. The minute was over.

Sehun pulled back but didn’t release him, eyes searching Luhan’s face frantically, looking for something, some sign, an opening or hint, Luhan assumed, that Luhan didn’t really mean it. That this wasn’t the end for them.

He knew the minute that Sehun found it. His eyes changed, passion and hope flaring in their depths. Luhan didn’t know what Sehun had seen, had tried so hard to make sure that there was nothing to see, but whatever it was, it gave Sehun the push he needed to begin lowering his head, his eyes intent on Luhan’s lips.

Before he could make purchase, however, Luhan cupped Sehun’s cheek stilling his movement. He allowed his thumb to trace over the gentle curve of Sehun’s lower lip, the soft, delicate skin sending tingles down his arm.

He knew what Sehun was thinking, it didn’t take a genius. He was sorry to have to disappoint him.

Leaning up, he pressed a tender kiss to Sehun’s cheek, brushing the corner of his mouth, before pulling back, pulling away, out of the circle of Sehun’s arms.

“Goodbye, Sehun-ah,” he said softly, taking one last look at Sehun’s stricken face before side-stepping him and making his way to the door.

“Luhan, don’t do this,” Sehun called. “Luhan!”

How he found the will to keep walking, he would never know, because the pain in Sehun’s voice almost brought him to his knees but he kept going, forced his feet to keep moving, until he was out the door and back in the banquet hall.

He stood in a quiet corner for a moment, eyes closed as he tried to catch himself. He couldn’t go back to Jongin in the state he was in, his emotions raw and ravaged and all too obvious on his face he was sure.

When he felt like he’d regrouped enough, he found a waiter, grabbed a flute of champagne and made his way back to his partner.

“Hey, where did you disappear to?” Jongin greeted with a smile.

“Bathroom,” Luhan replied, seeing no point in lying.

Jongin’s expression fell slightly, his smile dimming, and again Luhan wondered if he’d known exactly what had gone down in the bathroom the last time, if he was wondering if the same had happened again.

“Everything okay?” Jongin asked carefully.

Guilt tore at him, even though he knew that he had no reason to feel guilty this time around. The fact that Jongin was, indirectly, asking if he’d seen Sehun, if anything had happened between them, the fact that he’d had to ask in the first place, made Luhan feel like the lowest sort of heel.

Leaning forward, he pressed a soft kiss to Jongin’s cheek, offering a small smile. “Perfect.”

Three weeks later…

Sehun splashed water on his face, patting his hands on his neck and shoulders to cool the heated skin there.

The club was hot, way too many bodies packed into too small a space.

It was exactly what he needed, though. The noise, the lack of personal space. It was the perfect distraction after the weeks of self-pitying misery he’d allowed himself to wallow in. This night out was his first attempt at clawing his way to the surface of his pain.

Straightening, he ran his wet fingers through his hair before grabbing a paper-towel and drying his face and hands.

“Want one?”

Sehun glanced towards the voice, smiling and shaking his head “no” at the proffered little, white pill in the palm of the attractive guy standing beside him.

The guy flashed a grin and shrugged before turning back to his reflection in the mirror.

Sehun didn’t judge those who dabbled in party drugs, even if it wasn’t his thing. He didn’t mind a little recreational , had indulged quite a bit back in New York when he’d lived with his musician ex – he’d had an excellent supplier; only the best to awaken his creativity. Some of the best they’d had had been when they were high. His ex hadn’t stopped at weed, though, and Sehun had never made a big deal about it, only asked that he didn’t keep the stuff in their apartment.

Moving away from the counter, he tossed the crumpled towel into a bin before making his way outside. His first order of business was the bar – he was way too sober considering he’d been at it for an hour – and then back onto the dance-floor.

By the time he rejoined the masses, he had a little buzz going. He didn’t push through the crowd, letting it carry him instead. He found himself in the middle of the dance-floor, swaying – or being forced to sway with the push and pull of the dancers around him – to the music. The headline DJ was really good. It was why he’d come after all. These raves didn’t happen often but when they did, they weren’t to be missed.

Just then, his song came on and he cheered with the crowd, closing his eyes and losing himself in the beat as he shouted the lyrics.

♪You’re gone and I’ve gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind…♪

The first time he’d heard the song, he’d literally frozen on the spot. The beat was sick but the lyrics were like a translation of his emotions. At the time, his work had been his “high”, the only thing he’d had to get him through the lack of Luhan in his life. But since missing Luhan had started to affect that too, he’d been adrift. There was nothing he could do, nowhere he could go, that allowed him even a minute of peace, of not thinking about him, wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was thinking of Sehun in turn.

He’d started to go crazy, or it had felt that way at least.

So when he’d heard about the rave, he’d jumped at the opportunity, knowing that it was just what he needed. He still couldn’t force himself to stop thinking about Luhan but this was the most peaceful he’d felt in months.

♪Spend my days locked in a haze, trying to forget you babe, I fall back down… ♪

Warm hands slid low around his hips, clasping over his pelvis as a pair of lips pressed to the side of his neck.

Sehun didn’t even flinch, too mellow and in the moment to do more than smile to himself and lean back into the body behind him.

It felt nice, the embrace, even if it came from an absolute stranger.

The guy, whoever he was, was very interested if the hardness Sehun felt pressing into his backside was any indication.

They stayed like that for a while, swaying to the music. Well…Sehun was swaying. At some point, the guy started grinding into his , his bulge swelling even more. But he didn’t ask anything of Sehun, didn’t do more than kiss the back of his neck occasionally and the skin above his waistband with his thumbs, so Sehun didn’t really feel the need to protest. If or when the guy crossed a line, he’d deal with it. Until then…

“Wanna get out of here?” a husky voice whispered in his ear.

Sehun grinned, opening his eyes as he turned in the circle of the guy’s arms.

Wow, hottie.

Sehun’s grin widened and, taking his cue from that, the guy took his hand and led him off the dance-floor.

He felt good.

He felt really good.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this good.

He felt so good that he didn’t mind the fact that he was only just making his way back home at 1:00am. The aches, pains and late hours were all worth it if it allowed him to do what he loved.

He was tired, though: could feel the fatigue seeping into his bones. He still had another thirty minutes of driving before he got home and he didn’t want to run the risk of dozing off.

With that in mind, Luhan the radio to his favourite station. There was a program that he listened to almost every night before he went to bed. He liked listening to the people calling in with dedications, liked hearing their stories. It made him feel connected to the world somehow.

In the past month, however, it had become a bit of an addiction and it was all his fault.

It had begun the week after the emails had stopped. The week after he’d blocked him.

Doing that had been like a physical pain, like stabbing himself in the heart, but staying in contact with Sehun had been a bad idea. He’d lived for those emails, for those little words of love and encouragement, and it wasn’t fair to Sehun, to give him these tiny pieces of himself when he deserved so much more. It was also a continued betrayal of Jongin’s trust and he couldn’t do that to him, not when he was trying so hard to be everything Luhan had ever wanted him to be.

In the week following, the guilt of what he’d done had vied with the deep ache in his soul that was all for Sehun. He’d been depressed, even more so than usual, and had started spending more time in the spare room, his little sanctuary. Jongin was busy with a new client, even bigger than the last, so not having to spend as much time with him was a bit of a reprieve.

One night, he’d been laying in bed staring at the ceiling while the music washed over him when suddenly the DJ said something that caught his attention.

“So for a couple of days now we’ve had these dedications going out to L from the mysterious S. The more I listen to them and absorb the lyrics, the more intrigued I am. What’s the deal here? I think S and I need to have a chat. If he’s as sincere as he sounds, maybe we can help him win L back. What do you guys think?”

The moment he heard from S to L, Luhan had frozen. It couldn’t be…could it?

His heart had skipped a beat when the song came on. It was one he’d heard Sehun listening to before, heard him strumming the opening rift on his guitar. It was one of his all-time favourites, he’d said.

He’d remained still, unable to move, barely breathing until the song had finished.

“L, if you’re out there, S has got it bad for you. Why don’t you put the bugger out of his misery and give him a call? Hell, give us a call and we’ll help you guys work it out. I always thought that if I hadn’t gotten into radio, I’d have given counselling a try.”

He’d been tempted, his fingers itching to pick up his phone, to text or call Sehun and ask him if it was him, just for the sake of knowing, but he’d stamped down the urge, rolling over and curling into his pillow instead, trying to push away the memories of Sehun that the song had evoked.

He’d also turned in religiously every night since. After the third or fourth day, there was no deluding himself that it wasn’t Sehun.

The songs often ran from light and playful to heart-wrenching angst. The latter were like a kick to the gut for Luhan, knowing how literally the lyrics translated to Sehun’s own suffering.

It only got worse when Sehun discovered Sam Smith.

Sam Smith was the bane of Luhan’s existence. He hated him as much as he loved him and he loved him dearly because not only was his music good, his songs deep and meaningful and voice raw and soulful, but given the sheer number of S.S songs that Sehun had dedicated, he was a huge fan. Luhan liked what Sehun liked.

There was one song in particular that had bowled him over. The message that came with the dedication advised him to watch the MV as well. He shouldn’t have listened. He was still recovering. It could easily have been them in the story.

Sometimes the songs weren’t romantic at all; there were occasionally songs of encouragement or songs that Sehun currently liked. They often came with messages like “I’m really digging this one at the moment” or “Can picture you dancing to this. The beat is sick.”

It didn’t help that the DJs were very much on-board with this Romeo & Juliet romance, as they called it. Luhan wondered what they’d say if they knew that Juliet was a guy.

They made sure to play Sehun’s dedications or requests every single night, adding their own input as to what Luhan should do.

“Don’t you think it’s time you talked things out, L? I wonder what he could’ve done that was so unforgivable.”

Nothing, he would think to himself. Sehun had been perfect, was perfect. Luhan just wasn’t deserving of such perfection.

“Tonight,” the DJ was presently saying, “S has made a…well, peculiar dedication. S, this is very different from your previous choices, buddy. I guess it’s the message that matters but dude, this better be a one-off.”

As the strains of the song started, a hysterical bubble rose in Luhan’s throat.

He didn’t. He didn’t.

“Sehun-ah…”

************************

Sehun drained his glass then raised his hand, indicating for the bartender to refill it.

He sat at the bar of the restaurant in the hotel where he’d booked a room for the night. He’d expected to leave the rave late, or early morning rather, and hadn’t wanted to drive back home at that hour, hadn’t expected to be able to if things had gone as planned, so he’d figured he’d splurge and treat himself to a night out, an extended deviation from the monotony of his life.

Things hadn’t worked out as he’d thought they would, however.

He’d gone outside with the hottie not really intending for anything to happen or even thinking about what could, so when he’d found himself pressed up against a wall with a tongue in his mouth, he’d gone along with it. Why not? The point of the night was to do the opposite of what he'd been doing recently.

It wasn’t the best kiss he’d ever had – they’d both been drinking far too much for it to be called pleasant – but it definitely wasn’t the worst. It had been nice and nice was really what he’d needed from the night.

The hottie hadn’t been content to just kiss him, though, which really didn’t come as much of a surprise. The guy had already been when he’d approached him, after all. So when he’d started groping Sehun’s crotch, rubbing his own against Sehun’s flaccid manhood, his intent was clear.

He’d thought about it, considered whether he wanted to go to such lengths to distract himself, but he really needn’t have bothered. One night stands had never been his thing and since the last person he’d been intimate with was the same person he was still hopelessly in love with, he couldn’t be with anyone else. Not feeling the way he did about Luhan.

He’d felt kind of bad, breaking the kiss and turning the guy down, not that the guy cared. He’d merely flashed a smile, shrugged and gone back inside.

Sehun had considered returning too but instead had found himself walking to the main road to catch a taxi. There was no point in going back. It would just be more of the same: random bodies rubbing against his, offers of meaningless which he simply wasn’t capable of and had no interest in.

So that was how he found himself at the bar at 1:00am, wallowing in self-pity yet again, the very thing he wasn’t supposed to be doing tonight.

“How is this your life, Oh Sehun?” he muttered.

“Sehun?”

For a moment he thought he was hearing things, then the familiarity of the voice registered and he stilled, turning his head in the direction the voice had come from.

“Jono?”

A smile, one that he’d once held dear, lit up the handsome face of its owner.

“Wow, I knew you were back but this is the last place I expected to run into you.”

Sehun stared unblinkingly, eyes still not believing what they were seeing.

Jonathan, Jono, laughed, sliding onto the stool beside him. “By the stunned look on your face, I’m guessing the feeling is mutual.”

“I’m…just give me a moment to process,” Sehun mumbled, closing his eyes for a couple of seconds before opening them again. Nope, he was still there.

Jonathan chuckled again, hailing the bartender while Sehun caught his bearings.

Jonathan Lee, the guy he’d left behind when he’d gone off to New York to pursue his dreams and hadn’t seen since, was sitting beside him. Jonathan, the guy whose heart he’d broken. The guy who he hadn’t tried to contact even once since he’d returned because the guilt of knowing how he’d hurt him still weighed heavily on his shoulders.

“What are you doing here?” Sehun finally asked.

“Just wrapping up a late dinner with some friends. I saw you on my way out and couldn’t believe my eyes.”

“The feeling is quite mutual,” Sehun muttered, knocking back the contents of his glass in one huge gulp.

“And you?” Jono asked pointedly. “What’s the art world’s IT-boy doing here by his lonesome on a Saturday night?”

Sehun chuckled mirthlessly. “Well… I went to a rave, thinking it would help take my mind off some…stuff I’ve been dealing with.”

“Let me guess: it didn’t?”

Sehun shrugged. “For a while, it did. The first couple of hours were great. Then I realized that a distraction is merely that and I wasn’t ready to go to extremes to remain distracted so…here I am.”

“I see…” Jonathan took a sip of his own drink before asking carefully, “Mind if I ask what’s bothering you?”

Sehun shrugged again. “Life. Work. I have a huge commission due and the deadline is steadily approaching. My concentration’s shot to , though, so I’m not making any headway lately.”

“It happens to the best of us, especially to people in your line of work. It’ll pass.”

Sehun chuckled harshly. “Somehow, I don’t think so.”

Jonathan paused a moment, considering Sehun’s words before replying, “That’s not really it, is it? Work, I mean. I know you, Sehun. You’ve never been the type to stress about work, worrying about deadlines or even pleasing your customers. You’d rather lose a commission than give yourself a headache over it. It’s one of the things I always admired about you.”

Sehun glanced at him, surprised at how well Jonathan still knew him even after all these years.

“You’re right. It’s not work, at least…it’s not work that’s the problem but it is being affected.”

“Tell me. Sometimes talking about it can help.”

For a moment, Sehun stared at the empty glass in his hand, wondering if he really wanted to go there tonight. He’d never talked to anyone about Luhan, though, that one time with Emily in their parents’ kitchen being the only exception. Maybe instead of a distraction what he really needed was to put into words everything that he was thinking and feeling. But Jonathan? It felt inappropriate somehow, given their history.

“Is this how you felt?” he heard himself asking before he’d even finished making up his mind. “When I…when I left.”

Jonathan froze, seemingly in shock at the question before asking, “What do you mean?”

“Like…like you can’t breathe. Like everything’s just too much and yet not enough. Like you’re filled to the brim with these feelings but there’s no outlet for them because the person responsible isn’t around for you to express them. Like…like…”

“Like the sun set one day and it never rose again? Like you’d give anything to see, hear or touch them again but you’re also afraid to because they might leave again and you couldn’t bear that a second time? Like your life, your very reason for being, ended the minute they walked out of it?”

Sehun’s breath choked in his throat, eyes watering unconsciously as he nodded. “Yes.”

It was Jonathan’s turn to inhale his drink in a rush, his voice husky as he said, “Pretty much.”

A tense silence fell between them then. The guilt Sehun had always felt for walking away was tripled now. There’d been a note of raw hurt in Jonathan’s voice when he’d spoken, one that he recognized from his own. He’d done this to him. The exact thing he was now going through.

“So this is what Oh Sehun in love looks like,” Jonathan mused.

His words startled Sehun. “What?”

“I’d always hoped to see the day, albeit under different circumstances of course.”

Sehun frowned. “What are you talking about? I loved you. We lived together.”

Jonathan nodded. “We did, and I know you did. But notice I said in love.” Jonathan’s expression gentled. “We were never on the same page. I think I always knew that, I’d just hoped… I don’t know. That as time went along, you’d get there. I was infatuated with you from the moment we met but you… I guess I grew on you.”

Sehun shook his head, a flare of anger in his dark brown eyes. “That’s not true. We hit it off from the get go. The feelings were mutual. You say you know me. Am I the type to be with someone, to commit to them, if my feelings aren’t real?”

Jonathan tilted his head in acquiescence. “That’s true. You don’t lie, never deceive or misrepresent yourself. That’s another thing I always admired about you. But…” The smile he flashed was tinged with sadness. “You never felt for me the way you did, do, about him did you?”

Sehun dropped his gaze to the bar-top. He didn’t want to hurt Jonathan but like Jono had said, lying wasn’t Sehun’s thing.

“There are different kinds of love,” he said diplomatically. “It’s different with each person.”

Jonathan scoffed. “You should’ve been a politician.”

“It’s true,” Sehun insisted, his eyes imploring as they met Jonathan’s once again. “What I felt for my ex in New York was nothing compared to what we had. That was more lust than love, to be honest. We suited one another given where we were in life at the time, cared for each other to a point, but it was a mere fraction of what we shared when we were together.”

“And what you feel for him, the guy who put you in this state, is far deeper than anything you ever felt for me,” Jonathan said gently.

Sehun couldn’t say anything, his expression miserable as he sighed.

“Sometimes I used to wish you would lie to me.” Though he smiled, there was a trace of bitterness in his words.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be. The heart wants what the heart wants.”

“Maybe this is punishment,” Sehun murmured. “My karmic payback for what I did to you.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t you ever think that.” Jonathan lay a gentle hand upon Sehun’s where his rested on the counter. “Yes, I loved you but I’m not sorry about letting you go. I encouraged you to follow your dream, remember? If you had stayed because of me, you would’ve grown to resent me eventually. And no one deserves the kind of pain you’re feeling. This guy…if he can’t see how great you are, then he’s the one who doesn’t deserve you.”

Sehun shook his head. “He’s perfect.”

Jonathan’s hand froze upon Sehun’s, then slid off as he rose from the stool beside him.

“Do you need a lift somewhere?” he asked, withdrawing a few bills from his wallet and tossing them onto the bartop.

Sehun ran a hand through his hair. “No. I thought I’d be having a late night so I booked a room.”

“Okay. Well…”

As Sehun slid off his own stool and attempted to stand, a wave of dizziness hit him and he stumbled.

“I might have drunk too much,” he muttered.

Jonathan steadied him with a hand on his arm, a concerned frown marring his brows. “Will you be alright?”

Sehun looked up at him, studying his face.

He was still as handsome as he ever was. He wore his hair to his ears, a thick, full shiny wave that Sehun was tempted to run his hands through. He’d always been partial to a middle part, even though it was so out of fashion. He’d forgotten what it was like to look up at someone after being on pretty much the same eye-level with Luhan all these months. Before Luhan, all of his beaus had been six-footers.

“Do you want to come up with me?”

Jonathan’s eyes widened slightly before flickering over Sehun’s face. Sehun noted that they settled on his lips briefly before once again meeting his eyes.

“Yes.”

Luhan was choking.

Choking on his emotions, choking on the air that refused to move through his lungs. He couldn’t breathe and the ache in his chest, the rising panic, forced him to pull over to the side of the road.

He’d exited the city limits, was only fifteen minutes from home, but he couldn’t make it. Not in this state.

It felt like he was dying, literally. His chest hurt and he clawed at it, willing his lungs to expand, to take in as much oxygen as they could to alleviate the burn in his eyes and chest.

He’d almost forgotten what these felt like, panic attacks. He hadn’t had one in years, not since he’d left China.

Releasing his seat-belt, he braced his arms on the steering wheel and rested his forehead against them as he closed his eyes and counted his breaths.

That song…

Sehun hated One Direction, hated them with a passion, and yet he’d dedicated a 1D song to him because he knew that Luhan liked them. What made it worse was that with the simple guitar rift and bare vocals, Luhan could picture Sehun singing it to him in his mind’s eye, his earnest facial expressions and the love and sincerity in his eyes; could hear Sehun’s sweet voice instead of the band’s. It was too much. He couldn’t take it anymore.

Every night, every single song was like a nail being driven into his heart, a reminder of what he’d done, the mess he’d left Sehun to deal with. He wanted to make it right but he didn’t know how. He couldn’t give Sehun what he wanted and be with Jongin at the same time. They’d tried that and it had ended in disaster. He desperately wanted to make them both happy but he was making himself miserable instead.

He didn’t know what Sehun hoped would come from the song dedications – well, he did but he was sure that Sehun knew that it wouldn’t be that easy – but the constant reminders of Sehun’s love for him were entirely unnecessary. He knew. He’d always known, would always know. It was there in his memories of their time together. And it would be there in Sehun’s eyes every time they ran into one another. There was no way he could get away from them.

There were days where he wished, hoped, prayed they would stop. That he’d turn on the radio one night and there’d be nothing. Maybe he’d finally get some peace. Then there were days where he wished, hoped, prayed that they never would because if they did, when they did, it would mean that Sehun didn’t love him anymore and a world without Sehun’s love wasn’t a world he wanted to live in. It was selfish of him, greedy even, but knowing that Sehun loved him helped him get through the day as much as it hurt him knowing that Sehun was suffering because of it.

“You are beyond ed up, Lu.”

He was so tired. He didn’t know how much longer he could go on before he cracked beneath the weight of it all.

As soon as the door opened, Sehun headed to the bathroom.

He filled the sink and dunked his head, repeating the action a few times. Gradually, the cobwebs cleared and he felt more like himself again.

Straightening, he emptied the sink and dried off quickly, shaking his hair out when he was done. He looked like a wild thing, his hair damp and messy. He didn’t care, though, and neither would Jono he was certain.

Walking back into the room, he tore his wife-beater off over his head – having already discarded his shirt in the elevator on the way up – and tossed it on the floor. He dropped onto the foot of the bed and began removing his shoes.

“How’s your mom?” he asked absently.

Jonathan came to stand before him, looking down at his shiny head while he worked on his shoes.

Sehun was more composed now, Jono could tell. He didn’t want him composed, though. He didn’t want him to get lost in his head just yet.

“She’s great. Still as ornery as ever.”

Sehun laughed, glancing up at him. “She never liked me, you know.”

Jonathan smiled, rolling his eyes. “She never likes any of my boyfriends. Homouality is against her religion, after all.”

Sehun nodded. “True.” Jonathan’s mother was a devout Catholic. It was why he had a Biblical name instead of a traditional Korean one.

“At least she chooses to hate the sin and not the sinner,” Jonathan added. “I can’t ask for more than that.”

“I’m sure it’s easy when the sinner lives up to his namesake,” Sehun teased with a wink.

They traded a few more barbs before quieting down, Sehun lost in thought.

Nudging his foot gently with his own, Jonathan said, “Tell me about him.”

Leaning back on his elbows, Sehun regarded him seriously. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything?” Jonathan shrugged. “I can’t help being curious about the guy that turned your world upside down.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start. He’s…” Sehun shook his head. “Perfect. Frustratingly so.”

Jonathan rolled his eyes. “You said that before. Does Mr. Perfect have a name?”

“Luhan,” Sehun replied with a soft smile.

“Luhan,” Jonathan repeated. “How did you meet?”

“At a friend’s house.” It was the truth without getting into details.

“And was it love at first sight?”

“For me, it was.”

“And for him…?”

Sehun sighed. “It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“He’s…” Sehun dropped his gaze for a second before meeting Jono’s curious eyes once more. “…otherwise committed.”

“I see.” Jono’s words were loaded. He’d never taken Sehun for the type to get involved with a cheater, least of all fall in love with one, but he wouldn’t judge him. Sehun wasn’t like most people. If he’d fallen in love with that guy, whoever he was, then there must be a reason.

“Yeah… I never thought…in the beginning. I just wanted to help him, you know? He just seemed so sad. It killed me. But after a while, I couldn’t help myself and I just wanted more and more. I know I got greedy but I couldn’t help myself.”

“And it scared him away?” Jonathan surmised.

Sehun shook his head. “No. At least, I don’t think so. But he had a choice to make and he did what he felt was right. He’s very big on doing the right thing,” Sehun added mockingly. A sad smile suddenly twisted his lips. “The sad thing is that he doesn’t even see how unhappy doing the right thing is making him. That’s one of his biggest flaws. He cares so much about pleasing others that he forgets that he deserves a little happiness too.”

“I guess being a selfish bastard doesn’t come as easily to him as it does to you,” Jonathan teased, trying to dispel the tension in the air.

“Yah!” Sehun kicked his leg out, which Jonathan caught with his hands.

Looking up at Jonathan, seeing himself reflected in his eyes, a sadness settled in Sehun’s chest.

“I’m really sorry,” he whispered.

Jonathan stilled. “What for?”

“For everything. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met. Yes, even nicer than Luhan,” he retorted before Jonathan could ask. “It wasn’t easy, you know. Leaving you behind. I missed you every day. Yeah, I loved New York and the work I was doing there but you were a large part of my journey to success. I couldn’t have done it without you. When I came back, I really wanted to call you but…I didn’t feel like I had that right anymore. Part of me hoped that you’d moved on. That you’d found someone else and were deliriously happy with them. That you’d forgotten me and what I’d done. Is there?”

Jonathan released his leg. “Is there what?”

“Someone else.”

Jonathan shook his head. “No. There was but…it didn’t work out.” What Jonathan didn’t say was that when he’d heard that Sehun had returned home, he simply couldn’t be with his boyfriend anymore. He’d known all along that Yunho was a stop-gap, someone he was simply passing the time with. He was a nice enough guy but he was no Sehun and Jonathan wasn’t over Sehun yet. He might never be. He’d hoped that Sehun would look him up, had considered being proactive instead of waiting when the months started flying by without seeing hide nor hair of him, but his fear of rejection had been stronger than the need to see Sehun. He couldn’t bear to have Sehun walk away from him again.

“I’m sorry,” Sehun repeated, sitting forward, elbows on his knees. “I really want you to be happy. You deserve it.”

“So do you. You deserve everything your heart desires.”

Sehun shook his head, burying his face in his hands. “It hurts so ing bad.”

Jonathan started to place his hand on his head but pulled back at the last minute. He needed to get out of there.

“I should get going,” he began, taking a step back.

“No!” Sehun reached out blindly, grabbing his arm. Climbing to his feet, he stared into Jonathan’s eyes. “Please. Don’t leave me.”

Jonathan swallowed thickly. “Sehun-ah…”

Sehun stepped closer, leaving barely a breath of space between them. “Please,” he implored. “Stay.” He raised his hands and undid the first two buttons of Jonathan’s shirt, not allowing himself to think about what he was doing or why.

Jonathan caught his wrists, fingers digging into Sehun’s flesh. “You don’t mean it.”

“I do,” Sehun objected. He realized that there was some truth in the words. Unlike the hottie from the rave, Jonathan wasn’t a stranger. He was a known entity, someone he’d shared his life with at one point, had been intimate with countless times, someone who genuinely cared about him and vice versa. He’d always been able to make Sehun feel safe and grounded. He needed that right now after being adrift and lost for so long. “I do.”

“Are you sure?” Jonathan asked, voice wavering even as his hands slid from Sehun’s wrists to the warm, taut skin of his hips. He didn’t dare to hope, wasn’t going to kid himself that one night together would suddenly make Sehun his again, but he wasn’t strong enough to walk away either. Not if there was a chance that it could be a new beginning for them.

Sehun looked up at him, again marveling at the difference between the man before him and the one in his heart. Both gorgeous in their own right, both perfect, neither one his.

Jonathan could be his, he knew. He couldn’t deny what he saw in his eyes, what he’d been seeing reflecting back at him all night. Jonathan was still in love with him. They both knew it.
He shouldn’t do this to him. He should let him go. He needed him, though. He needed him desperately.

You’re a horrible person, Oh Sehun.

He didn’t care.

“Yes,” he breathed, standing on the tips of his toes, lips almost brushing Jonathan’s.

“Make me forget.”

A/N: Geeezus. So after many delays and illnesses, there it is. It actually didn't turn out as emo as it was supposed to. Or maybe it did, I dunno.