“shards of love”

Krystal’s P.O.V

I rode Sulli’s car on my way home. It was the usual thing we do everything we had. I went to my room and changed my party clothes into simple ones. I wasn’t expecting to see the locket he gave me.

The locket given to me by Byun Baekhyun.

I wondered how it had happened, if he’d still continued loving me even though I started to ignore him. Or perhaps he had stumbled when he realized that I wasn’t in his side anymore.

I wondered too, if I told him the truth will he stay with me? Would he kneel down in front of me and wipe my tears away? If I tell him now that, maybe, I still feel something for him will grab my hand and give me another chance?

None of it mattered now. It’s over. We’re over.

No way to escape the lies that I told him. The words that came out of my mouth saying I never have loved you. I was trapped again, the pain holding me in, the past that I wanted to forget. Truth would open and close behind me, another cage.

Cage after cage after cage.

He’s my first love and probably the last. He was the one who had been always been at my side: guiding, supporting, and protecting me. I’ve never felt alone when he’s there.

I know what I did was wrong.

Breaking his heart is what I paid for his kindness. It’s not fair, and never will it be, I know. I don’t know what had gotten into me for doing that. And it will always be my biggest mistake.

                “Leave me alone”

Three words were the only one that escaped from my mouth. I don’t want him to get hurt. I know that if he knew before what between me and Kai, he would definitely beat him up. And I don’t want that to happen. That’s why I left him.

Not because I stopped loving him but because I can’t dare to look at him getting hurt.

I wanted to be with him.

Live our happily-ever-after like we planned.

Sit somewhere, white-haired and him by my side.

But that will never happen anymore. These things will never happen between us. Now our happy ever after seems to be a dream. I know he doesn’t like me anymore. Who will? A – jerk – , like me, no one will ever fall for me. I know that.

I looked at the mirror, at my reflection. I saw how different I’ve become. There are things that should’ve been better if I was still the old Krystal.

My life would be better, a lot better.

I stepped back and sit at the edge of my bed. Thoughts were still playing inside my mind. There’s nothing I can do. One way or another, I have to endure this feeling. It’s useless anyway. Feeling sorry for myself will totally do nothing. It makes me feel weaker.

I stared at my phone I never knew it had been ringing the whole time I’m inside my room with these thoughts hitting me. ‘It’s Baekhyun’. I glanced at the clock. 12am. He’s still awake. My phone rang and I picked it up.

“Hello?” a voice says and I know who it is. Baekhyun, far from what I’d expected.

“Oh, Baekhyun,” That’s all I can say. I never have expected him to give me a call especially now that I’m thinking of him. “You called.”

“Can you go here? I need to talk to you.” He said. I was uncertain if he really means it. I went home early because of him but now, he wanted to talk to me?

“Where?” I fumbled at words. I don’t know what to say.

“Here, at the playground where we first met. You still remember it, don’t you?” He asked me. Of course, I know where it is. How can I possibly forget if every day all I want is to go back through time and be with him again?

“I’ll be there in a few.” Those were the last words that I uttered before I hang up the phone.

I picked up the best clothes I can probably wear. I don’t know if I should be nervous or happy about this. He wanted to talk to me but the last time we were together, all we did was to take revenge. I don’t know what I should believe.

I started my car’s engine and went to our meeting place. He was there. I saw him sitting at the piece of cloth he placed at the grounds. He also had baskets and food beside him. I can remember the last time we did this during High School.

I miss those days when we’re still together and share our laughter.

I missed pinching his nose and cheeks while he giggles at my jokes. I missed the time that he fell and all I can do is to cry out of laughter because of his epic behaviour.

I can feel my steps louder and heavier as I came closer to him. My heartbeat was getting faster but I tried to make myself at ease. This moment is what I had always been waiting for, the one I had been wishing and praying every night.

To travel back to the days when we’re still together even just for a moment, a minute.

“Hey, you missed me?” He asked beaming at me faintly.

I don’t know what to answer. I don’t know who’s asking me, the old Baekhyun or the new Baekhyun who seemed a lot different from the guy that I used to know.

“Yeah,” I said, sitting in front of him, facing him for the very first time. He glanced at my face for maybe a moment then looked away.    

“I sure hope so. Here, drink some.” He uttered.

With the sound of his voice I know that he’s already drunk. I can also smell his breath. I think he’s a bit intoxicated now. I stood up once again and this time I sat next to him.

I poured a glass of Vodka and drank it. I don’t easily get drunk like him. In high school, I remembered we used to battle this kind of game, who’s the first one to fall asleep is the loser.

I stared at his face but I don’t recognize any feelings of his. Or maybe it’s just that I really can’t read Baekhyun’s mind anymore. He changed – a lot. I still miss the old him.

I took a deep breath and look at straight his eyes. “Baekhyun, why are you doing this? Why do you want me to come?”

He glanced at the glass he was holding then poured another. “I don’t know maybe it’s just that I miss you.” He uttered honestly. He was too drunk. He can say anything that he’d like to say. It won’t matter to me either.

I stared at him again. I was trying to figure him out. Are those words true? Did he miss me? A part of me wanted to believe it but the other doesn’t. I know I shouldn’t expect anything.

“Oh, I never expected from you to say that.”

“Say what? That I miss you.”

“Uh... yeah.”

It’s awkward. So I poured another glass. I stared for at the glass for a short moment I can feel that he was looking at me but I really don’t care until he suddenly held my chin and kissed me.

“I’m sorry,” he suddenly apologized. “I just – “

“It’s okay.” I also wanted it. Even for the last time.

The sky was filled with stars. Our favourite hobby when we were kids were counting stars and owning them, as if they were really ours.

I opened the basket and checked out what’s inside. The basket was full of Vodka but few foods were placed inside it. I took some and ate them.

He looked at me, chuckling. I don’t know what he’s up to or what he was doing so I asked. “What?” I pouted my lips and cocked my eyebrows just like what I used to do before.

“Nothing, I just miss Krystal glutton the great.”

“Hey! I’m not a glutton! You are!”

We laughed at each other. I know for this moment his telling the truth. Maybe because of the Vodka that he drank or simply because of himself.

His smile had suddenly disappeared. So I didn’t bother to ask him. “Is there anything wrong, Baekhyun?”

“Why did you leave me Krystal? Did I do anything wrong? Am I ugly? Is my effort not enough? Did I ever hurt you? Tell me, please.” He said with his low voice keeping it from cracking.

“Baekhyun... I – I... I left you because you deserve someone better. Not because of anything.” I said my eyes were filled with tears but I hold them. I didn’t want him to see my weak side.

“Krystal. I don’t deserve someone better. I deserve you.” Tears were running down his cheeks. He laced his finger around mine and his eyes meeting mine. “Just still me that you still love me. I’ll forget everything.”

“Baekhyun... I …”