Meeting Chara again reminded me of how my personal life had passed over the last year. EXO debuted over a year ago. It was an amazing day and the whole feeling was overwhelming. The day we’ve all been waiting for was there before our eyes. We had our first TV recording a few days later. The cameras were so many, hovering everywhere, so close. It was a cool feeling imagining images of myself recorded there being broadcasted all across the nation.

That day, Sehun took me to the broadcasting building rooftop and confessed his feelings to me. It was shocking, because all that time, my love and attention was fully focused on Hwang Chara, now the short-haired trainee. She used to have beautiful straight hair stretching the length of her back, jet black, until she decided to cut them so short and dye them brown. I never really met her again until Sehun’s graduation day, when she still had long hair. That day, both of them were called to the stage as outstanding students from their respective fields; Sehun being in Theatre and Chara in Dance. We never really met again until the vocal session today.

Chara and I broke up not long after Sehun’s confession, but it was an old story, I’m over it and all I could wonder was why I didn’t see Sehun earlier.

At that time, I was trying to figure how to answer Sehun’s feelings, while still holding tight to Chara that was slowly slipping away. Then, I realized that it was impossible. I was pushing myself towards the edge of a cliff. I was forced to choose between climbing down the rocky way pursuing her to come back, or jump down and fall eternally into Sehun’s world. Or just stand there and witness the earth below me crumble.

Eventually, the world crumbled under my feet and I would still fall to Sehun. The fall was slow. It was not a crash like what Chara’s was, but a dip into the ocean that drowns me further.

Oh Sehun was the deepest trench and I was thankful I fell.

At those times when I thought I was still badly wounded, I would wake up and climb to Kyungsoo’s bed and snuggle into him. He sleeps like a bear, walks like a bear, and hugs like a bear. The first day, he took my body and squished me until dawn when his super early biological alarms would wake him up. Then Kyungsoo freaked out for having me in his bed.

I did not climb into anyone’s bed again for the next two weeks.

Those nights were lonely, fortunately not cold because it was technically summer, but still, the world felt too large for me. In the day, amidst our schedule or on the journey between destinations, Sehun and I would talk so, so much and occasionally—but soon, frequently—hold hands, leaving Kyungsoo, Joonmyun and our driving Seungwon hyung in silence. Baekhyun and Chanyeol hyung were out there in their fifth dimension waga-waga-ing and waving hello to their alien visitors as they approach the gates of virtual bearland.

After I had cured from being rejected trying to creep in Kyungsoo’s bed, I tried sneaking into Joonmyun’s. He shot awake immediately and shoved me away by only staring with his ‘WTF?’ eyes.

I slept on the couch again that night, but the next day, I realized.

“Um, hi Sehun. Um, by any chance… um… would it be possible if um… I… I…”

“Yes…?”

“If I… um…”

“Yeesss…?”

“If I… sleep in your bed tonight?”

Sehun gave me a WTF face and tried to act highly shocked. I would be convinced if it weren’t for his pink blushing face. “Well… I don’t know but…”

“Please?”

He looked at me with that disapproving face again but his whole head was burning red.

“Pweease?”

“…alright,” he mumbled, facing the van window trying to hide the big tomato sticking atop his neck.

When we got home, Joonmyun hyung was baffled with my presence in his sacred bedroom but slept anyway after I waved an awkward hello. I climbed up Sehun’s bed so excitedly when he was brushing his teeth and washing his face. I curled like a cat and shut my eyes smiling so wide because I never felt this jumpy before.

The lights went off and the door was closed. It felt like a movie was about to start!

Sehun climbed up and recognized the hairball beside his pillow but slept anyway. He was facing his back to me, probably his default sleeping position.

“Kwaaa~” I said silently as I hugged him from the back. “Jongin huggy Sehun!” I leant my face on his ear and it felt extremely warm.

“Sssh!” Joonmyun hyung shushed from below.

“Jongin—just go to sleep or I’ll kick you in the first thing in the morning,” Sehun barked through gritted teeth.

Three cute nights passed with extremely high tolerance from our lovely Joonmyun hyung, but one night, when I still couldn’t get out of my cute-mode self, ‘gyabo’-ing around mushing Sehun’s face…

“For God’s sake I quit!”

Light from outside entered suddenly as the door was jammed open and slammed close, then I heard the door to my room be treated the same.

We stood awake surprised and was left dumbfounded with Joonmyun hyung leaving. I was sorry.

“Was I noisy…?”

“Yes, stupid, yes! Damn it.” Sehun yelled in night-volume, pulling his own hair. “We needed to apologize to hyung tomorrow,” he said. If he were a cat I bet his ears would be drooping down right now.

We sat there silently not quite knowing what to do.

“I’ll just sleep in hyung’s bed—“ I was crouching up planning to climb down the ladder but Sehun’s hand held me still. I looked up to him.

Sehun was looking at me trying to say something, but he was waiting for me to sit so I sat back down.

“Stay. I like you here.”

We sat there leaning on opposite walls in a very awkward silence because we could not go back to sleep.

“But I don’t like you around like this,” he suddenly said. I looked up to him in surprise, eyes down to the direction of my knees.

“But why?”

Sehun sunk his face as if wishing he could just drown somewhere.

“두근두근이에요*,” he mumbled softly. “I can’t control my heartbeat around you.”

I stared at him from the feet side of the bed, smiling so wide, floating so light I could the ceiling any second.

“I like Sehun very very much,” I said, still wearing the content smile on my face. It just rolled out of my mouth easily.

Sehun looked down and scratched his head shyly. “I can’t go to sleep,” he mumbled.

“Me neither. Let’s go watch TV.”

“Right.” He crouched and crawled down the bed, then got out of the room. The TV was flickering to life as I closed the door from the outside. I took my seat on the couch awkwardly an arm’s length from Sehun.

It was dead silent and the TV was not helping. I really hated how weird it felt so I cutely took Sehun and held him tight. “Come here you—“

It was one of the closest times I got to Sehun after those times when he had to take care of me.

“Ya, stop it.” Sehun wriggled away from me and sat cross-legged on the other side of the couch, hiding his face down.

I was so happy I just couldn’t keep it to myself. I scooted to Sehun and lifted his embarrassed face so he would face me. I smiled wider as it was so cute; it was one of the cutest things I had ever seen. My heart was full and swelling with… I don’t know, joy was not even the right word to say it.

Sehun looked at me slowly, as if asking what he did wrong. Tints of pink were blossoming in his cheeks as he looked at me with those eyes.

That night, the wise furnitures and the dark sky outside witnessed our first kiss.

Sehun looked at me with the same eyes. Big, wondering eyes that could only question, although unsure on what he was questioning. The pink in his cheeks grew even more evident as he was still comprehending, swallowed by silence. His slightly grown fingernails that were fiddling on my fingers suddenly knew what to do to escape himself. Sehun took the remote control and started flicking through channels.

I chuckled at Sehun’s sweetness, shaking my head to myself.

*’두근두근이에요’ reads ’dugeun-dugeun ieyo’. Dugeun-dugeun is the Korean onomatopoeia for beating hearts. The sentence literally means ‘it goes kathump-kathump’