“What’s that?”

I saw a glass of water sit beside my left hand from the corner of my eye. I was just frozen there staring into the screen, not daring to satisfy my curiosity of whoever was approaching me.

“God,” he breathed as witnessed what he scrolled, pushing the down button on the keyboard having the mouse occupied. “Shouldn’t have let you go,” the person’s voice mumbled unconsciously right beside me. His sigh sent a warm puff of humid air to the back of my ear. “You know you’re not supposed to kiss in open air, Jongin. Just nowhere outside the van and the house,” he continued with that heavy tone of a person too tired to nag. It was Joonmyun hyung.

“Remember who you are now, Jongin, Sehun.”

Joonmyun hyung sighed again and stood up, or so I sensed. The whirring of the processor was dead and static, as if it was the only thing numb enough to keep going on.

“What are we going to do now, hyung?” I asked, voice swallowed in guilt and fear. Sehun decided to leave the scene and close the door to our room.

“Hyung.” I asked, demanding my answer.

For a few beats, there was only silence.

 “Go to sleep. I’ll have Kyungsoo cook earlier tomorrow morning.”

That answer was the first time I heard him say his version of a dad’s ‘we need to talk.’

I hesitated a bit and moved the cursor to close the IE window.

“Don’t—I want to post to the board.” I took my hand off the mouse and stood up to give my seat to him. He sat and started clicking slowly here and there.

“Hyung,” I called, voice squeaking. He turned his head and looked at me waiting for my sentence.

“Can we still perform?” I asked.

He sighed and gave that kind of square, hopeless smile. “Hopefully.”

Joonmyun hyung moved his focus back to the screen and started typing slowly with his pointers. I turned around, entered my room, closed the door and decided to sleep on the bottom bed again. I just needed solitude.

Joonmyun hyung never did much talk. The next morning, we were really sat at the dining table at five sharp, and we were shook to wake up instead of being woken up by Kyungsoo’s pleasant ‘conventional’ method. The kitchen was lit white by the lights above, for it was still pitch black outside.

“Guys, I’m sorry that you have to wake up so early today. I think we have something to talk about.” Joonmyun hyung started as soon as everyone was gathered around the table. The guys were resting their heads on their palms still trying to wake their minds up, although I knew that they were sober enough to properly listen to Joonmyun hyung.

Joonmyun hyung took a deep breath and a heavy sigh, weighing if his words would hit too hard. “Last night, I saw that pictures of Sehun and Kai’s date yesterday were surfacing on the internet,” he said.

“Tch, I knew it.” Chanyeol hyung dragged back his chair and went back to his room.

“Chanyeol—“ Joonmyun hyung stood to prevent Chanyeol from going but Chanyeol slammed his door shut. Baekhyun was looking to his room with worried eyes wanting to go calm him down, but he knew it wouldn’t work. He stayed in his chair fiddling with his fingers and looked back and forth from his room to Joonmyun hyung anxiously waiting for his next words.

“Remember that someone, either a fan, or a paparazzi, or the TV, will always be there around the corner. You always have to watch your actions.” Joonmyun hyung looked to everyone’s eyes, even though we fully understood that his dialog was meant for me and Sehun. “I know that this is too late, but what are you going to do about it, Jongin, Sehun?”

I was staring blankly at the surface of the table, but then I looked to Sehun hoping he could find an answer.  He was worse, dunking his head hoping not to be seen, eyes hard in trouble and embarrassment. I wanted to answer but I did not know what and I knew that it was not a question to answer. I turned back and hid my face myself.

What are you going to do about it, Jongin? What?

My mind started playing impossible scenarios as alternatives, like running away and hiding under a pseudonym, or breaking the group, or breaking up, or withdrawing, or what not. I cursed myself for not giving anything to be responsible about it.

“It’s been only a year, Jongin. I don’t want the media and fans to shoot around EXO for things like this.” Joonmyun talked softly to us, or more probably himself. He sighed heavily. I did not move my eyes from my lap. Yes, hyung. I nodded slightly.

“Seungwon hyung will get here soon enough. You know he doesn’t make things better,” Joonmyun hyung said again.

“Goodness,” I sighed, closing my eyes, covering my face in my palms. Why did he have to know?

I heard carefully held hiccups on my side and I turned slowly to see Sehun already crying. It was not a heavy sob, only teardrops falling silently. I could see that he was trying his best not to, but he failed. His shoulders rose and fell slightly in messy counts, fingers wiping tears subtly hoping that he would leave no trace.

Is it right for me to calm a person if I was the one making his trouble?

I could see myself reaching out to him and try so hard to put pieces of him back, but my hands stood still on my sides. I could see myself reaching out to him and the back of his head softly, but all I saw was myself sitting frozen in guilt and doubt on the dining table chair. I am sorry, Sehun. Will you give me forgiveness?

Had I not been so reckless, I would have not caused this.

“Is it okay if only the five of you go to the Mubank recording?” I suddenly croaked. My vision was still fixed to the edge of the table.

Everyone turned to me in surprise.

Joonmyun hyung warned me in his soft voice. “Jongin what are you—“

“I’m fully serious, hyung,” I lifted my gaze to finally see him. “I’d better withdraw from this promotion cycle than further hurt the group. If the news turns to spread out faster than we all had expected, I think it would be a good choice to consider.”

“But the dance break, Jongin,” Baekhyun protested. I heard cussing whispers hidden in the sobbing voice beside me. My heart flinched.

I answered him. “I know you can do it too. Kyungsoo can, too. We learnt it together. You learnt it with me.”

Joonmyun hyung turned to me. “Jongin it’s not only about that—“

“I can’t show myself to everyone, not with a trouble like this—“

“It’s about the six of us, Jongin! The six of us. It’s not one when it’s only 5/6.”

I sighed and buried my face in my hands again. He was right. It won’t be one when it misses a fraction.

“Has anyone actually seen the uploads and comments on fancafes?” Kyungsoo asked to the forum. “Did anyone read bad comments?”

“Haven’t clicked the search results. At least not yet,” Joonmyun hyung said. He drew his chair and stood to move and hug Sehun calming him down, telling that things would be alright, that everyone would stick together, that everyone loves him, that everyone and I love him. It did not help, it only made him crumble even further.

The doorbell buzzed. Our heads turned to the door and Kyungsoo launched in to welcome the guest.

“Ah, hyung! Ah, yes. … Yes. … I’m not really sure though, but…”

Kyungsoo’s voice catering to questions in a formal manner as I heard shoes shuffling open and the door shut close.

Everyone in the dining room looked to the door expecting the guest to be a lion that would pounce at every one of us.

“Joonmyunnie, kindly tell me what happened.” Seungwon hyung called out as he walked into view, with Kyungsoo following right behind.

“Ah, hyung.” I could see Joonmyun hyung stand and bow as if our manager was a respectable stranger. “I…it’s nothing actually, we’re just having a bit of…”

“A scandal,” Seungwon hyung completed the sentence.