BIG BAD GLARING WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS suicidal TRIGGERS, CONTINUE ONLY IF COMFORTABLE.

Craving for approval

Like thorns searing through our betrayed hearts

That was the only thing I managed to read in Sehun’s browser when he walked in. I put down the phone on my far side from the ladder and Sehun climbed up to join me, offering the pack of cookies in hand. I shook my head. He shrugged.

I wanted to start a conversation, but I had no idea what I was supposed to talk about. I looked at the coffee cookies.

“Let’s ask Seungwon hyung if we can make a personal public clarification and pretend that we’ve broken up,” I suggested. If there was anything I was exceedingly bad at, it definitely was this.

“You really don’t know what Naver is, do you?”

He scooted and leaned on the pillow. I swiftly took his phone with me and followed suit, taking the space beside his. “At least I know I’m trying to come up with something that would help.”

Sehun scoffed. He offered me the cookies again and I took one before he said, “Don’t be stupid. You know how bad our mouths can fart on camera.”

That was so unlike Sehun.

I looked down to my pocket where I kept Sehun’s phone, then I asked him, “Are people online modifying my poem?”

There was a poem my choreographer gave to me that I was supposed to practice to. Sehun sprung up and turned facing me seriously. “You read the poem?”

“I… did. It’s hacked.”

Again, Sehun scoffed, this time shaking his head. He said, “I really have no idea why you are acting so very unaffected with this,” and climbed down the bunkbed. The pack of cookies rustled with his movements and he quickly read the bedroom. My heart was rushing cold. Maybe I was turning a blind eye for just too long.

I took Sehun’s phone and resumed reading. The hacked poem was the first thing displayed on our anticafe, Kill Kai and Sehun.

Craving for approval

Like thorns searing through our betrayed hearts

Stop acting like you understand, because we know everything

They are the ones who make us die slowly

They are the aidless epicenter of this darkness

They flee cowardly without a care of returning

The dead heart, the thunder that burns everything in its wake

Our bodies are in withdrawal as long as they live

PUT AN END TO EXO’S KAI AND SEHUN +4634 -52

Signed by 3672 people

I immediately climbed down the bunkbed and went to the living room, hoping to find Sehun there or eating in the kitchen, but it was empty.

I checked our lounge room and the other two bedrooms, but Sehun was not there.

“Joonmyun-hyung!” I exclaimed, barging through his door. Kyungsoo on the top bed woke up abruptly. I looked at him with apologetic eyes but I didn’t have time for words. “Joonmyun hyung, Sehun’s gone.”

“Yeah. He went to the minimarket to fetch milk and OJ, we ran out.”

“Who on earth would want to buy milk at two in the morning, Hyung! Let’s go get him.”

“Jongin, he’s at the minimarket.”

“Over three thousand people want him—and me—dead, Hyung. He’s not going out to buy milk.”

“Good God—” Joonmyun hyung shot up, finally reasoning and awake. He grabbed his closest jacket and slipped into his sneakers with me.

Summer nights were still chilly in Seoul. We kept our hands in our pockets while going to the places Sehun would most likely go to. We went to the park, we went to the basketball field, we went to the skating ramp by the river, and we even checked the three minimarkets nearby, just in case that he wasn’t lying about getting us milk, but he was nowhere to be found. My heart was racing with fear.

“Hyung, let’s go to the company building.”

Joonmyun hyung looked at me and he only obliged. He had no idea where he was supposed to be looking.

We ran around the dead alleys and I knew better to take the back door, so we went there and heard heavy clanking from above us by the trash can.

It was Sehun climbing up the emergency staircase to the rooftop.

“Come on,” I whispered, and took Joonmyun hyung with me.

“Sehun!” I called. We were three stories behind, running, but he was almost there. He looked down to see us, and although his pace did not change, his steps turned into sharp stomps. We ran faster.

Sehun was sitting at the front ledge when we finally climbed to join him. I couldn’t move.

Joonmyun hyung reassuringly gripped my wrist before stepping forward.

“Sehun,” he called. “Sehun, let’s go home and get some sleep.”

Sehun was leaning his weight so casually, as if saying that he could roll off any second.

“Sehun. Let’s go home.”

Sehun turned halfway around and planted his feet on the ledge, planning to stand up. Both Joonmyun hyung and I ran towards him, but when we got to his side, he was already standing up. He was ready to leap anytime.

“Sehun, don’t. For me,” I pleaded.

“You always told us to give what the fans want. You know what they want.”

He lifted his left foot and took a step back.