Whuahahaha, look who is daring to show her face again?
Indeed, it's me! Well, as you all know by now, don't expect me to update frequently *gets killed*
This story is, I hope, finally nearing its end. I'm trying desperately to update this story more.
This chapter is... Really vague, I think, and quite chaotic too.
I wasn't feeling happy when I wrote the beginning, so maybe that explains it.
But all things aside, this is a short chapter, I hope to update soon again :)
(Just spam me or something if you want, sometimes I just forget lol)

Tinywings
 

Sehun should have already expected himself to step into the all too familiar bus. Honestly, it should not have surprised him by now, and it really did not. Unconsciously, he already knew he would be going back to the bus boy, would go look for him in order to find some kind of peace amidst collapsing chaos. For all sorts of reasons he could not put into words, he felt this urge to see the bus boy. Maybe it was because Luhan already knew so much, that there truly was no barrier anymore that stopped him from pouring out his heart’s content.

“Sehun-sshi.”

Luhan’s voice sounded like honey to his ears. It really sounded pleasant. It made him feel a little better for no particular reason other than that it soothed his disorganized heart. There was at least Luhan, who was himself waiting for someone, and who did not mind healing a broken heart in the meanwhile. It made Sehun grin sadly to think that his heart was broken, because then it would mean as if it was never broken to begin with. Because he had never lost anything, never gained anything that was taken away from him, yet he felt as if everything had slipped out of his hands. Instead of calling it broken, it might as well have been an empty heart. It was a heart that felt as though things that were never its possession had vanished, and all that was left was bitter regret.

Luhan eyed him with concern, “Sehun-sshi, are you okay?”

No, I’m not, Sehun wanted to scream, but so powerless and useless he felt at that moment that no strength was left inside of him to make him open his mouth, let alone scream out. So he simply sat in front of Luhan, greeting the other with painful silence, while he himself punished himself with the loud voice of a furious mind.

“Sehun-sshi, if you want to talk-”

“Please,” Sehun closed his eyes as he leaned his head against the glass, “don’t talk to me right now.”

The last thing Sehun wanted right now is to talk, to speak. The last thing he wanted was to explain why he did what he did and why he never did what he wanted to do. All he wanted was silence and time, and some company while he was at it. He should have showed more appreciation for the comfortable silence he got from Luhan, but that would be something he would do another time. Right now he just wanted to be selfish. Right now all he wanted to do is pretend everything was not his fault, and he never did anything wrong.

From the moment he deleted the text message Jongin had sent him to the face that he did not gave Jongin a reply, a few words for closure, he had been trying to protect himself. He was frightened, scared to death to face reality. Specifically, he was scared to face what might become a nightmare. If Jongin had told him that he really liked someone, what would Sehun have done? Would he have supported him wholeheartedly? He most probably would have, but there would always be this feeling gnawing at his subconscious, pulling him into a pool of evilness and insecurity. Reason was because he did not want to be left alone, did not want to lose Jongin, because people stepped into and out of his life way too easily and he simply could not take it.

So he built a wall around himself.

A large wall to protect himself from relying too much on others but too little on himself, because without this defense, without this coping style he had created for himself, he would break mercilessly. As long as he let others rely on him, as long as he made sure that people still needed him somehow in their lives, people would not go. People would not go.

It was a kind of childish foolishness that the world would most probably look down on, since nobody really ever understood him. Nobody really ever took the time just so they could sincerely care about him. They would just listen, get close a little, and make Sehun wanted to open up and then leave. Maybe he was not worth the care, was not worth the love he was craving for so much, because if he did, people would not leave him on his own. People would not play around with him as if he was just a toy with no feelings. People would not rely on him as if they were escaping from death, but then leave without healing a broken boy.

“Luhan-sshi…”

Nobody really ever listened to him, so he was always really wary with his actions, never told anyone about how he felt and what he was thinking. He always had his doors open for others, was always there to embrace their flaws wholeheartedly, but he never ever opened himself up for others, never showed anyone else the flaws that made him Oh Sehun.

“Yes?” Luhan’s voice was surprised, “Yes, Sehun-sshi?”

Sehun knew better than to think that bus boy would be any different, that Luhan would listen to him and never judge, but it never really mattered to him whether someone judged him or not, honestly. He just wanted someone to listen to him, never walk away before he finished talking, bear with all his complaints and then hug him because although this person may not understand, he still respected Sehun. He still respected the fact that Sehun was also a human that had imperfections.

Luhan was, he believed, a person that might be able to do just this.

“Isn’t… Isn’t love ugly?”

His eyes were stinging while he spoke out those words, the letters burning on his tongue and the sound reaching his own ears like poison. At one point in life, Sehun had embraced love. At another point in life, he had worshipped love. Yet, at some point of life, he began to loathe love. From time to time he would see some brightness of love, but it would always end into something that looked too ugly to be embraced, too flawed to be worshipped.

“That’s not true, Sehun-sshi, love’s not ugly.” Luhan said, a little hesitant, “If love was ugly, then what would hate be?”

Sehun grinned sadly, “That’s the thing with people, they always want to see life in a dichotomy. Beauty and ugliness, love and hate, but really, is hate really that bad? Is it really either love or hate?”

If Sehun hated anything, then it would surely be love, because love always pretended to be an angel, making everyone embrace it blindly. Hate was always something loathed, something disliked to the core before it even had the chance to prove them and itself wrong. People dislike hate, but really, it was foolish because hate was just as deeply engraved in one’s life as love. Hate was just as real as love. Hate was just a part people did not like to acknowledge, because they felt like it was a flaw.

“Do you know what I really hate?” Sehun spoke out coldly, “I hate people who think they’re angels, saints because they say they don’t possess any hate. How’s that possible? Hate isn’t something you’re not born with. Hate isn’t something to be ashamed of.” A warm tear rolled down his cheek, “Hate shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of.”

Sehun did not want to be judged because he hated, because he openly admitted that he hated sometimes. He wanted to be accepted, respected because he at least faced reality. To be understood was something he did not wish for anymore, since he knew better than to believe that he would ever be granted with a person that would truly understand him, but he at least wanted to be able to pour his heart out and still have this person by his side. He wanted to show his dark side without having the person dislike him and leave him on his own. He wanted someone to listen to why he never did what he should have done, and always did what he never wanted to do. He hated, hated a lot of his decisions, but mostly, he hated himself.

He hated himself, because this world wanted perfection and he was the epitome of imperfection. The world wanted angels and saints, yet he was a lost child that decided to dance around like the devil. And it was not even about the hate specifically really, it was the fact that people only wanted seemingly pretty things but Sehun being vulnerable and imperfect should not be something to be ashamed of. It should not make him less.  

There was a moment of silence, before Luhan spoke, “Sehun-sshi, you’re burdening yourself too much.”

“Ignorance is bliss,” Sehun responded.

“Would… Would you want to listen to a little story?” Luhan asked, catching Sehun’s attention.

Sehun turned around tentatively, “What kind of story?”

A small smile crept on Luhan’s lips, “A story about how a lost boy found his way back to the world because of a guardian angel.”



The story started on a Tuesday. Tuesday meant going with the bus and this boy did not want to be late on his first day going to the new university. His mediocre Korean would be a barrier, but he was determined to work hard, determined to show the world that he could do this. A new life was never easy, never without problems, but he was still young and was still capable of adjusting to a new living style, so it should not be a problem.

Yet, it was so much easier said than done, because although people did not openly said they disliked him, fitting into this new society was still a long way to go for this boy. People would not say it in front of his face, but he knew the jokes made on his Chinese accent and his feminine looks. In front of him, they were only complimenting, but behind him, they were all criticizing. No matter how hard he worked, there was always something he did wrong. Being good in mathematics made him a stereotype Chinese, trying to be social made him desperate for attention, and not being able to eat traditional Korean food well made him forever an outsider.

But he tried hard, really tried hard. He spent nights practicing his Korean, spent weeks and months understanding the Korean culture, but it was never enough. It was never enough. So he ended up not yet alone but still lonely, with nobody that could really be trusted but always around him.

But this story started on a Tuesday, because it was on this one Tuesday on his first day to university that he met Joonmyun, who took the same bus and studied at the same university as him. It was on this Tuesday that they met, and that Joonmyun had talked to him for the first time, because he did not know on which stop to get out and the boy was holding onto maps and papers so it was only normal to ask him. It was on this first occasion that Joonmyun had told him, as they parted, ‘Welcome to South Korea! Good luck with the new semester! I hope you’ll adjust quickly and enjoy!’.

And it was also Joonmyun that found him on a Friday night, crying silently while sitting in the bus. It was Joonmyun that had tapped on his shoulder while wearing a small smile, asking him if it was alright to sit next to him. He never asked the boy what was the cause of the tears, never put his curiosity into words, but merely sat next to him. He even stayed on the bus with the boy, and when the boy pointed that out, he merely said with a smile that he quite enjoyed riding the bus and that it was no big deal.

Simply put, this boy was an angel, and the moment the boy had learned the word ‘suho’, Joonmyun had become his guardian angel.

Joonmyun would tell him about his own life, about how much he enjoyed every minute of it, and the boy would listen to him attentively, memorize every single word because Joonmyun’s voice calmed him and it made him smile unconsciously. Joonmyun was the one who told him that he should not care too much about what others think, because the boy was wonderful and he should never forget that. Joonmyun was the one who grabbed his phone and put his own phone number in it, telling the boy to call him whenever something was wrong or whenever he needed someone to talk to.  

‘I’ll be your first official Korean friend!’ He had exclaimed happily.

The boy had smiled brightly for the first time since he arrived in South Korea.

The boy really thinks he only began to like Joonmyun when Joonmyun came all the way from his own faculty building to his, dragging him to the arcade hall without asking the boy whether he wanted to come along or not. It was as if Joonmyun knew the boy had just endured a rough day. The boy really thinks he only began to fall in love with Joonmyun when Joonmyun defended him in front of a bunch of people, telling them that the boy was not just an empty mind with only looks. The boy really thinks he loved Joonmyun, because Joonmyun was always there on the sidelines, ready to catch him whenever he fell.

Joonmyun was the one who told him to enjoy bus rides. Joonmyun was the one who showed the boy that although he was continuously criticized, there were still people who appreciated him. Joonmyun was the one who showed the lost boy that he should not give up.

And it was Joonmyun who was the first to confess that he had been attracted to the boy at first sight, and that he might love the boy more than as a friend. It was Joonmyun who had given him the heavenly high hope that they could be more than friends, and it was Joonmyun who told him to wait for him until he came back from his study trip to Japan. Yet it was Joonmyun who had to take the bus that got into an accident, dying it the same bus where the two of them had met.

So the boy waits, and waits, until the day comes he can finally see Joonmyun, because he promised he would wait, and the boy was sure he would come back for him, even only once.



“And that brings us back to right now, the foolish boy now talking to you,” Luhan said softly, voice trembling and Sehun could see the tears forming.

“He…” Sehun hesitated for a moment, “He was a wonderful person.”

“The best,” Luhan said and a tear slipped out of his eyes, making Sehun’s heart clench, “truly the best.”

Sehun buried his face in the soft thin material covering the bus seats, not knowing what to say. There really was nothing he could say, other than that Luhan had been lucky, truly lucky to have met someone like Joonmyun.

“Love isn’t ugly, Sehun-sshi, love isn’t ugly,” Luhan said gently.

Yet, instead of smiling, it was a bitter grin appearing on Sehun’s lips, “If love isn’t ugly, then you wouldn’t be waiting right now. If love wasn’t ugly, it wouldn’t have crushed you to the point of no return.”

It sounded so much harsher than he intended it to be, so much colder than he wanted it to be, but it was too late to blame his pathetically wrong choice of words. It was always like this. Sehun always said the wrong thing at the worst moments.

“But I don’t mind waiting,” Luhan said, making Sehun’s eyes flicker in surprise, “I don’t mind waiting for him. I want to keep the promise.”

“But…” Sehun furrowed his eyebrows, “But what then? What after you met him, and talked to him. What then? Is that the end, then? Are you waiting months and more just for the sake of seeing him one last time, so you can say goodbye to him?”

The end sounded cruel to his ears, making it sound as if there was nothing more and that was all. The end sounded like closing a book or locking a door, just to never even glance at it again. The end sounded horrible.

“Are you really that afraid of endings, Sehun-sshi? Are you really that afraid of moving on?”

“I just don’t want to let go,” Sehun said sadly, “I don’t want to let go of what I used to have.”

“I remember you asking me once whether closure is the same as letting go,” Luhan said while patting his head softly.

Sehun looked up with wide eyes, “Isn’t it, then?”

Luhan smiled, “And I told you to tell me if it’s the same or not.”


Next chapter will (hopefully) have some lovely interactions between sehun and luhan (if i don't think of changing what i have already)