And here I am again! And it isn't even 2014 yet lol! xD
Alright, before reading this, I want to sincerely apologize, because this is not going to be good.
Honestly, this chapter... I do not even know what I wrote!!
I have so many mixed feelings about this chapter, really...
And do any of you remember that I said this was the Sehun's version of Original Cliche?
Maybe you can find out why I said that keke~

Well, hope you enjoy and do not start to hate this story because of this chapter!

Tinywings
 

“You already know the answer, don’t you?”

The question echoed in his head, and Sehun was unable to deafen it no matter what he did. Such a haunting question, such a painfully harsh question it was for Sehun, and thrown so mercilessly at him without as much as caring for how Sehun would feel about it. It was cruelty, plain cruelty.

“No, I don’t…” Sehun muttered, “I don’t…”

How he wished he could get back the blurriness, because blurriness was nice, numbness felt good. Focusing was good too, but as long as he was focusing on the wrong things. Right now, he was focusing on all the right things, and it felt so wrong. Wrong. Too wrong.

“Yes, you do,” Luhan took a breath before continuing to speak with a voice as gentle as always, “you’re just too scared to face the answer, because you’re frightened it might not be the answer you hoped for.”

“Do you feel like you can’t live without Jongin?”

He was eighteen. He was supposed to be mature. He was not supposed to be acting like this, like a whining child who did not know a thing. Such a small matter, it should not be taking over him so easily like this. He should be able to keep this all under control. However, he was able to do anything but keeping everything under control. He was caught up, lost, and he felt so ashamed of himself, because he had expected himself to be capable of much more than this. And he blamed himself, still put all the blame on himself, because he felt so wrong. It was not anything else that felt wrong, but he himself.

“What exactly is keeping you from facing the truth? What exactly do you not dare to face, Sehun-sshi?”

It was the sound of supernatural creatures being killed that filled his mind, the chatter of two sarcastic best friends, the flowing music and vivid images of a skinny boy dancing ever so passionately in front of him. It was the sound of soft sobbing, the whispers of comfort, the blurry flashbacks seen through teary eyes that were triggered inside his head. There was an endless amount of feelings laced through all these memories, all these little things Sehun found so terribly important.

And there was this frightened little child hidden in the back of his head that was so inhumanly scared of something.

“You…” Sehun gulped visibly, face tense, “You ask me whether I feel like I can’t live without Jongin…” A sad grin appeared on his lips, “I… I’m scared… I’m scared, because it feels like…”

It felt cold. The thought that lingered in his head made him numb, the conclusion he thought to have found. It was not pleasant at all. Answers were supposed to bring relief, but this answer brought anything but that.

“It feels like I could live without him,” Sehun looked up, a single tear escaping his right eye, “but I really can’t.”

He did not know for sure, and did not want to know for sure, but he felt like he could live without Jongin. It would feel empty, but he could, he would be able to. He was not confident, but he felt like he would be able to live a life without Jongin, and it would feel terribly wrong and it sounded so horribly wrong, but he felt like he could. And that was exactly where the problem lied. Because he possibly could; he just really, desperately did not want to.

“Sehun-sshi…”

He slowly forced himself to look up – he felt the need to – and met Luhan’s eyes once again. They spoke a thousand comforting words, in all the possible ways, and for that moment, that one moment, it really felt as though Luhan understood him. Understood just what this mind belonging to Oh Sehun was thinking. He did not judge, he did not spoke a word of criticism. He simply understood.

“And I blame myself for feeling like this.”

Sehun bit his lip harshly as he felt more tears threatening to fall down. He was not supposed to cry. No, anything but cry. That would be a childish thing to do. Yet, crying felt so desirable in his ears, because something inside of him longed to let those painful tears roll down and escape.

“It’s okay, Sehun-sshi, it’s okay.” Luhan said softly, hand slowly reaching to hold onto his shoulder, but Sehun’s body moved away instinctively.

“It’s not,” Sehun shook his head slightly, “it’s not, and you know that…”

His body was trembling uncontrollably now, tears already flowing freely. It felt good to be able to let it all go. Far better than it felt holding it all in. This felt like freedom compared to holding it all in.

“I blame myself…” Sehun swallowed, “I blame myself…”

“Sehun-sshi, that’s not true. You shouldn’t blame yourself for something like this. It’s…” Luhan took a deep breath, eyes fluttering close for just a second, “It’s okay to feel like that. Everybody feels like that someday. You just got to know the reason behind the blame you’re feeling.”

“No, it’s not okay! It’s not!” Sehun was long lost, his composed self already gone with the wind, “You don’t understand! It’s-”

“Just believe me.”

And he was back again. Focus all back on Luhan, the person who managed to calm him down with just one sentence. He froze, so many realizations hitting him at once that it caused an overload on his conscious mind.

“Just believe me.”

“Just believe me,” Luhan repeated, “it’s okay.”

He believed Luhan. He really did. He felt no reason not to believe him. He found no reason why Luhan would lie to him. Luhan… Did he felt the same when he had told him to believe in him? Did Luhan felt the same genuineness, the same confidence that the other could be trusted? That the other was worth believing in?

“Do… Do you still believe in me?” Sehun asked.

Luhan blinked his eyes a couple of times before a smile appeared on his lips, “Yes.”

“And… And you say it’s okay to feel like this? To feel this horrible? To feel like you’re the worst person on this world?”

This time, Luhan did not blink, his smile simply brightened, “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you confronted something millions of others would never even dare to confront, Sehun-sshi,” Luhan’s gaze was full of admiration, “you did something so many others would long to be able to do, but never have the courage to. Therefore, you’ll be alright.” Luhan’s eyes turned into crescent moons as he smiled widely, “If it’s Sehun-sshi, I’m sure everything will be alright.”

A tiny smile crept on Sehun’s lips. Not because Luhan’s words erased all the horrible feelings inside of him. No, not because of that, but because Luhan’s words gave him the needed encouragement to not give up. And he was quite sure, or wanted to at least believe that Luhan must have felt the same back then.

“Alright, I believe you.”

Sehun must have said this a little bit too earnest, a little bit too serious, because Luhan’s eyes widened, just like how Sehun had been so bewildered when Luhan had trust him back then. So easily, as if they really, really knew the other was to be believed.

“Why?”

“After everything between us,” Sehun laughed softly, “I wouldn’t know a reason not to believe you. I see no reason why I shouldn’t believe in you, because you say it’s okay, and that alone is already enough.”

Their gazes locked with each other, and both of them smiled. Not because they got the answers, but because answers did not seem that important anymore.

Sehun got startled a bit when his cell phone went off all of a sudden. He had this feeling of who it could be, and indeed, it was Jongin. It was always Jongin.

“H-Hello?” He spoke nervously.

“Oh Sehun, where are you?! You're supposed to be here already!”

Jongin sounded furious. No, that was a terrible understatement. He sounded beyond angry.

“I… I forgot to do something.”

Sehun was, he believed, a decent liar when he needed to, but whenever he desperately needed to lie for his own sake, it never came out well. Smooth lies never left his mouth at times when he needed them to most.

“You. Forgot. To. Do. Something.” Jongin’s voice was low as he emphasized every single word.

“Yeah, I-I’m sorry for not telling you this earlier. I… I-”

“You could’ve told me, Sehun,” The other’s voice was ripped off of the usual playfulness, “this is just… What did I do wrong, really?”

Nothing, you did nothing wrong, Sehun wished he could reply, but he could not. Not now. Not when it was Jongin, his best friend, and not when he did not had any answers yet.

“It’s unfair to keep secrets from me, Sehun, when I tell you everything. It’s unfair. If you’re still angry at me for not telling you about Kyungsoo, then I’m sorry, but really, it’s not like you always tell me everything about yourself.” A cold laughter reached Sehun’s ear, “So much for being best friends, Oh Sehun.”

Cruel. It all sounded so cruel in his ears. When did he ever not tell Jongin about anything about himself? When did he ever hide something? And even if he did, why did he have to say it in such a painful manner? Were they not best friends? Were best friends not supposed to listen to each other, support each other, and understand each other?

“I told you about Kyungsoo, every single detail, Sehun. I trust you with my life, and I really thought you do too, but why, Sehun, why…”

Silence, haunting silence. Sehun remained silent, waiting for whatever was going to come. His heartbeats were increasing exponentially, his eyes lingering anxiously to Luhan, who watched him with concern. This was it, this was going to be it. Sehun was going to have to confront it all. Every single second seemed to be dragging, making the wait so unbearable, but Sehun waited, he waited, and there it came.

It came clear and to the point.

“Why did you never reply to my message the day before Christmas Eve, Sehun, why?”

“Sehun, your phone is ringing.”

“Oh,” Sehun replied as he put down the wet dish on the counter before walking into the living room to grab his cell phone lying on the coffee table.

Jongin?

“Who’s it?” His mother asked curiously.

“Oh, just Jongin.”

Sehun responded casually as he opened the message, waiting for it to load. Jongin probably wanted to wish him a Merry Christmas or something like that, or maybe ask him if they could do something together since it was Christmas break.

It was a short message, typically Jongin. It was clear, to the point. It made Sehun’s breath hitch.

“And, what did Jongin text you?” His mother asked as she looked up from the magazine in her hands.

“N-Nothing…” Sehun smiled weakly, hands quickly shoving the phone in his pocket, “He just wished me Merry Christmas because he was scared he would forget.”

“I…” Sehun’s voice was trembling terribly, “I told you, I never received the message…”

“Sehun…”

“I-I told you I never received it… Why don’t you believe me?”

This was wicked, but Sehun did not know what else to do. He did not want to admit that he was lying, so all he could do was dig deeper. There was no way back anymore, only deeper, deeper, deeper. He had no right to blame Jongin, because he was the one lying, but he just wished that with this one lie, Jongin could just believe it as the truth.

“Sehun…”

Jongin had never questioned Sehun, honestly. As long as they had been friends, Jongin had never shown any signs of doubt or distrust with anything Sehun said. Maybe he did have his doubts at times, but Sehun never saw them. In short, for Jongin to doubt Sehun this time, about this matter, it must be something different. This was not something to be compared with all those other times. It was different for Sehun, and Jongin showed that it was different for him too.

“I…” Sehun in some air he desperately needed, “I…”

“Let’s talk later.”

And with that, Jongin hung up, leaving Sehun hanging with guilt washed all over him. His voice has sounded raw, so emotionally drained. The blame came quickly at this, because Sehun had done it again.

He had done it again.

“S-Sehun-sshi…?”

Luhan was ignored by Sehun, who had so many things swirling inside his tired mind. Honestly, he did not know how to reply to that message back then, and he did not know how to face the same message right now. It had been something he wished could be forgotten, could be left behind. He never expected Jongin to bring it up, never.

“Sehun-sshi, are you alright?”

“Do I feel like I can’t live without Jongin?”

A melancholic grin gradually crept on his lips as he thought about it.

“What exactly is keeping you from facing the truth? What exactly do you not dare to face, Sehun-sshi?”

“It feels like I could live without him, but I really can’t.”

It was brilliant, really, the joke was entirely on him.

“Actually… Maybe…”

Sehun looked up, face stained with tears and eyes shot red. It was indeed truth that he believed that he could live without Jongin, but that he really could not. However, aside from that, aside from all that, there was…

“Chocolate flavored bubble tea!”

“Your dancing so hard, I don’t even know why I’m friends with you.”

“You’re my best friend, of course I won’t let you on your own!”

“Why didn’t you answer my message?”
 
“There was a time when I had to live without Jongin,” Sehun bit his lip harshly.

There was a time when he was all on his own, without Jongin.

And that was the most horrible time of his life.

“Because I refused to face reality.”

The reality that lied in that message Jongin had sent him.


*goes hiding in a corner* Please forgive me...