I don't know what's wrong with me either, people, but here I am again!
Lol, have you realized already that I tend to update massively in a short period of time,
and then vanish like the wind for ages before coming back?
Well, this chapter is finally finished and I can finally begin with my dear homework~
Some serious sadness in this chapter, so be prepared~ Enjoy!

Tinywings
 

As always, avoiding Jongin was impossible. And Sehun could feel the significant blow their relationship had received because of this pathetic hide and seek game. He noticed clearly how Jongin would look at him, disappointed yet always longing, and it crushed Sehun, crushed him hard.  It broke him because he was not ready for this. He was not ready for this all. He had been a fool, he had been stupid, but he was not yet ready to face the consequences. He was not yet ready to face reality.

So maybe that was the reason why he would rather not meet Luhan anymore. Because if he did not meet Luhan, he would not risk the chance of somehow meeting Jongin at the bus stop or in the bus or whatever situation could occur where he would have to face the other. And it was not like Sehun did not know that what he was doing was foolish, was utterly childish, but he was only protecting himself right now. He was already losing Jongin to Kyungsoo. There was no need to face the past or the present. He might be immature, but he just was not ready to break completely yet.

Even though that might be the case, he found himself drowning in some kind of pool of sadness, of negative thoughts that got inside his body through little openings on his skin. He found himself on the edge of crying because pretending was not easy, avoiding was almost impossible, and he was so, so tired. He found himself, hours later after school had ended and he was supposed to be making homework but the words had been floating in front of his eyes, waiting for the bus to come and praying that Luhan would be on it. He wished that he would be able to talk to Luhan, because if there was anyone who would be willing to listen to him, it would most probably be Luhan.

“And I told you to tell me if it’s the same or not.”

Sehun had been so close to saying that it was, that closure was the same as letting go, but the look in Luhan’s eyes had stopped him, had made him rethink about his answer, his belief. Yet, he still could not find a reason to think that the two were not the same, but maybe, just maybe, Luhan would give him an answer someday. That was what brought him to the bus stop anyways. Somewhere inside of him, there was a part of him that was completely wary about this all, about his trust in Luhan, but Sehun believed that Luhan and he shared a bond of some kind that could make it all possible. It was some internal conflict and neither side was winning at the moment, but Sehun wanted to let the trust side win. He wanted to trust, believe, but it would depend on Luhan’s reaction. Sehun could so easily chicken out with just one word from the other party, so it really, really depended on whether Luhan showed any sign of wanting to bear a Sehun that broke down.

“Sehun-sshi,” Luhan said with a smile when he looked up to meet Sehun’s eyes.

Sehun smiled back sincerely, a little shy all of a sudden, “Luhan-sshi.”

“How are you doing?” Luhan asked curiously.

Sehun took place on the other side of the seats at the back, glancing at Luhan while a shy smile danced on his lips. If he were honest with himself, he knew the reason was because he wanted to see Luhan, but he never liked being honest to himself, so he did not acknowledge that as the reason.

“I wanted to experience a good bus ride to clear my mind,” Sehun said instead.

Luhan nodded his head understandingly, “And it had to be this bus?”

Sehun nodded his head in synchrony with Luhan’s, “And it had to be this bus.”

They both broke out into laughter after this for no good reason other than that they both wanted to. It felt good to laugh too. Way too good. And Sehun noticed how Luhan’s eyes would turn into crescent moon shapes, making his eyes look smaller than they really were, and he could see the corners of Luhan’s lips turning upwards, and maybe he liked that a little too much too. Maybe he liked it all a bit too much, liked the sound coming out of Luhan’s mouth a little too much, enjoyed the fact that he was spending time with Luhan a little too much, but it all did not really matter to him. All these things that were too much were nothing he was going to complain about. Never.

“I’ve a question,” Sehun said after a while, earning a curious expression from the other, “do you have some time to spare right now?”

Luhan closed the book in his hands, a smile on his lips while he nodded, “Sure, why?”

Sehun’s smile turned into a cheeky grin, “Because I want to have some fun.”

-

“Truth or dare? Really, now?” Luhan said while shaking his head, but nevertheless his eyes were shining and a smile was plastered on his lips.

“Come on, it’s fun!” Sehun grinned happily, “You first! Truth or dare?”

They had decided to get off the bus on the next bus stop, and somehow ended up on a bench they managed to find. It then crossed Sehun’s mind to play a game, because he wanted to have some fun but he really just did not want to get to the serious business yet. Sehun preferred being all smiles and bubbly happiness, just as the world preferred, than being vulnerable and weak.

“Alright, alright,” Luhan said before pondering for a moment, “I… I’ll go for truth.”

“Hmm…” Sehun tapped his chin while thinking, “Ah! What’s your favorite color?”

Luhan burst out laughing because of the absurd question, “Are you really asking me that of all things?” Luhan chuckled when he saw Sehun’s indignant expression, “White.”

“I was just trying to take it easy on you since this is only the beginning,” Sehun said with a little pout, “and I choose truth too.”

“No, you should take dare,” Luhan , “you’re not the type to be choosing truth, right?”

“No, I’m choosing truth,” Sehun said defensively.

“Alright,” Luhan said while laughing, “let me think… What’s your hobby?”

“Dancing,” Sehun said proudly.

Luhan’s eyes blinked at that, “Really? You should show me! Now!”

Sehun shook his head heavily, not going to perform on the streets even though Luhan was looking at him with expectant eyes. He was not that good that he could confidently dance in front of the world and in front of Luhan. So he quickly got back to the game, asking Luhan what he was choosing this time.

“Dare,” Luhan said with a competitive grin.

“I’m daring you to do aegyo,” Sehun said with a smug grin.

Luhan’s eyes widened in shock, “No way am I going to do that.”

Sehun snickered as he saw Luhan’s distressed expression, nevertheless gesturing for him to do his dare. He actually quite liked the helpless look on Luhan’s face, the kind of expression that showed the inner conflict of either holding his pride or crushing it mercilessly. A sigh left his mouth when he saw the hesitation still swimming in the other’s eyes, about to say that if it really hurt his pride so much, he did not have to do it. But Luhan balled his hands and did a small, shy buing buing that sounded and looked horribly much like a little kid and made Sehun burst out laughing uncontrollably.

“Glad to be the clown, as always,” Luhan said with an unhappy glare.

“Oh God, I’m sorry,” Sehun said while shaking his head, “it’s just, it’s so funny! You really look like a little child!”

Luhan frowned at this, “I’m not a child.” He kicked Sehun’s leg before continuing, almost making Sehun laugh again, “Your turn.”

“Dare,” Sehun said, knowing terribly well that if he did not, Luhan would kill him.

Luhan’s eyes shone at this, “I dare you to dance in front of everyone right now.”

Sehun knew this would happen, “Absolutely not.”

“Oh, but you are going to do it,” Luhan said amused, “because I already did my dare and you’re not going to get away from this. See it as your deserved punishment.”

Sehun sighed soundly, having already expected Luhan to come up with this dare. He was too shy and introverted for something like this, too much a coward to embarrass himself in front of the world. But Luhan was looking at him with that gaze again, that intense stare that made him gulp down his fright and stand up, lying to himself that maybe this was not that bad after all.

“It’s embarrassing,” Sehun said matter-of-factly.

This made the bus boy laugh, “Just do it already.”

Even Jongin had never been able to get him to dance in public, yet here this bus boy was, stepping right into his life and making him do all the things Sehun never thought he would dare to do. It was such a simple thing, such an irrelevant little thing that he was willing to do now, but it meant the world to him. And maybe it really did even frighten him, because he was not supposed to trust Luhan too much, let him inside so deeply, because their relationship was a fragile one and so easily broken. He was not supposed to make it so easy for the other to hurt him and leave him on his own. Yet, when it came to Luhan, all these thoughts really did not matter anymore. Yet, when it came to Luhan, he wanted to believe that maybe this time, he finally found someone who would be willing to listen to him.

So he stood in front of the other, dancing shyly while ignoring the questioning looks from other pedestrians, head down to hide the flush on his cheeks, but it was futile because Luhan could still see it and Sehun could hear the other laugh. However, it did not sound like a mocking laugh, did not sound bad at all, and Sehun actually enjoyed the sound of it so he continued and continued, not knowing why he was willing to embarrass himself for so long but the laughter coming out of Luhan’s mouth was like some kind of addictive drug that made him go on and on.

“Sehun, you’re amazing.”

And with that, a bright smile crept on Sehun’s lips, because now he was certain: It was worth it.   

-

The sound of water flowing always sounded gentle to Sehun’s ear. Standing on the bridge while listening to this pleasant sound was something he wished he could do every day, because it somehow shielded him from the world and created a world of his own. So maybe that was why there was this bright, genuine smile dancing on his lips while he looked at the view in front of him while they both stood on the top of a small bridge, no one around to disturb this moment of blissful happiness.

“It’s calming, not?” Sehun asked as he turned to look at Luhan.

Luhan nodded a little, “Surprisingly calming, yes.”

By no means was Sehun a night person, as in that he was not the type to spend his nights partying, roaming around the streets and getting drunk. However, he did enjoy the sight of skylines, of dark skies and rare stars decorating it. He did have this affection towards the darkness that felt so peaceful and absorbed his troubles, pulled him into a world where no problems could not be left behind.

“I’m scared,” Sehun confessed.

“I figured that much,” Luhan said, but always smiling.

Sehun nodded his head in acknowledgement, the soft breeze hitting his face comfortably, “I… I hate the fact that people come and go, walk in and out of my life as if it means nothing to them. As if I mean nothing to them.”

A laughter that sounded a little too empty for his liking escaped his mouth as he held onto the cold metal bar that prevented him from falling into the cold, cold water. A flood of memories burst in front of his eyes like little fireflies popping, showing him memories that might only exist in his own mind already.

“I… I remember my childhood friend Zitao. He was Chinese, just like you, and lived next to me, so we played around all the time. We built castles and pretended to be superheroes, shared memories that still mean the world to me. He promised me that we would be friends forever. However, he had to leave, had to move, and even though he said he would write me and I promised I would write back, it was the end. I knew it was the end. Letters mean nothing when you know the chance that you would ever see each other again is so, so painfully small.” Sehun chuckled while shaking his head, “He wrote me three letters before he stopped writing to me.”

“Sehun-”

“I had a close friend on elementary school. His name was Baekhyun. We built sand castles together, raced each other on our little bikes with three wheels. We shared lunch boxes, grew up together. I was the one who protected him when that boy called Chanyeol about his hair style and clothes. I was the one who stayed behind to accompany him when he still was not finished with his work and could not go out to play with us. I was always the first one who congratulated him when it was his birthday. I was the one who gave him my favorite toy because he lost his one. Yet, he turned to be good friends with Chanyeol, and although he would still always talk to me, it was never the same. Chanyeol was funnier, more popular, and I was just Sehun, plain ordinary Sehun that was too shy and too much a hassle to accompany.”

Sehun felt tears pricking his eyes, felt the pain filling him from the deepest of his body and spreading ever so rapidly. Sehun felt the lump growing in his throat, the hesitance to continue getting bigger and bigger, but he still did. He still wanted to say it all. Nobody had ever made him want to say it all, because although he had wanted to, nobody was ever willing to listen to him. Nobody ever stayed long enough by his side to listen to him.

“Jongin once texted me that he thought he really liked this someone. I was scared, scared that he would leave me for this person. There are only so many people that could fit in someone’s world, and this person would just replace me mercilessly, pushing me out of Jongin’s world as if I never even belonged there. So I deleted the message, pretended that it all never happened, acted as if Jongin did not just took the first step towards ending our bond. But I was wrong, so terribly wrong.” He bit his lip harshly as he thought back about it, “That person turned out to be me, of all the people it could possibly be. The person that I was so terrible frightened of, turned out to be myself. And I was the one who had caused our relationship to weaken, to give it scars it was never meant to get. I was the one who was being a child that did not want to face reality, and got punished for it. And the funniest part is that this child still doesn’t want to face reality.” A tear slipped out of the corner of his eye as he spoke, “I still don’t want to face reality.”

Sehun expected Luhan to judge him, to look at him with a disapproving expression, because he was a fool and stupid and he deserved to be criticized, just like always, but Luhan did not. Luhan did not do any of that. Instead, Luhan smiled at him with a smile that made Sehun almost believe that he really understood him, respected his feelings. Luhan’s eyes showed nothing negative, and Sehun almost wanted to ask him whether he had been listening or not, because nobody has ever looked at him like that after he had broken apart. Nobody had ever stayed until the end when his heart was torn open and bleeding.

And surely nobody had ever embraced him, giving him the hug that he had always wanted so badly. Nobody had ever give him the silence he wanted so much and simply stayed by his side, knowing that words meant nothing and silence meant everything. Nobody ever stayed. Tears flowed down rapidly as he hugged Luhan tight, burying his face in the other’s shoulder.

Nobody ever stayed.

“Am I really that immature?” Sehun asked softly, his voice raw.

Luhan shook his head slightly, “Everything but that, Sehun, everything but immature.”

The world had always seen him as immature, because why would he trust people so much, why would he work so hard, so desperately just so people would not leave him on his own? People come and go, that was a bitter fact, but all Sehun wanted was someone who did not leave. Someone who did not leave when Sehun became too clingy, too dependent, someone who did not felt burdened because of it all. Sehun sacrificed himself by accepting all the flaws of others, embracing them while healing their broken hearts, but nobody ever stayed long enough to heal the broken boy that they had leaned on while they were having rough times. Nobody ever took time to glue the broken pieces of the boy who had sacrificed his all only to be loved back.

The world called it immature, but for Sehun, it was just a desperate longing for something that could make him feel accepted, for making him feel as if he was worth the love that he longed for so much. He just wanted to be proved wrong, showed that love was not ugly and that he too deserved love.

“Did you know, Sehun,” Luhan began, “would you believe me if I said…”

Luhan slowly let go of Sehun, the sudden loss of physical contact almost breaking his heart again before he saw the utmost admiration filling Luhan’s eyes. Sehun felt himself drowning in those eyes that showed nothing that told Sehun that Luhan was going to leave him on his own. And Sehun still had this wall, still had this wariness because he had been deceived and left alone way too many times already, but Luhan was so good at breaking this wall down, so terribly good.

“Would you believe me if I said that, from all the people I know, you’re the person who possesses the most wonderful kind of love ever?”

And then the wall broke down completely, turning into broken bricks and dust, as if it had never existed in the first place.

I should stop putting my own life while writing this story, aish :':
Nect update will most probably be around summer break. Just kidding. Not really. *gets killed*