Curse me, curse me for letting go

Don’t leave me, my collapsed heart
Don’t leave me alone, I’m screaming
Want you, I want you like crazy
Your lips that left me shouldn’t love
Don’t love me, I threw you away

All I wanted was simply to give you an endless love
I had no idea that more excessive love would strangle you
Those days when I was torn from my wounded heart
A love that lost its way, I fill up with tears

(Why) Is it that I still only bring out sad hellos
(Why) Just until today, don’t push me away

Obsession - SHINee

“ Dara..”

It doesn’t slip off of Taemin’s hearing when the said name emerges and the tall man freezes upon the presence of that girl. Taemin’s eyes scan the beautiful figure downwards. So gorgeous.

“ How have you been?” the pretty girl asks Minho softly, swirling and fiddling with the hem of her loose shirt. She considerably gazes up to meet with Minho’s big orbs, noting the utter shock in them. Minho’s adam apple bobs up and down, collecting himself before his wobbly voice answers, “ I’ve been doing good and..” Minho hoarsely whispers, “ I thought.. You were in Philippines..”

Philippines?

“ I’m on my holiday so I decided to return for a moment and..” Dara smiles as her fingers fold together filling the space between each of them, “ I want to see you.”

The silent boy who has been standing behind Minho finally snaps.

“ I’m going first, Hyung,” The alabaster beauty cuts their conversation and both pairs of eyes are fixed on him. Taemin pulls a sumptuous smile, assuring Minho that he is not even a single thing close to feeling bothered (or did he just lie to himself). His tongue protrudes playfully, putting on an act that he should not be here to eavesdrop tersely. “ Thank you for today and I hope we can finish our homework soon.”

There’s no way Taemin would show Dara that actually they live together now by entering the house using the main door so he sneaks in through the other passage on the backyard. Minho sends him a concerned look, but Taemin doesn’t care. It’s not like that Minho has idea that actually Taemin knows about his past relationship. Taemin clutches the fabric that sticks onto his chest, gripping it tightly.

The pain inside him is so much more terrible.. Somehow.

Taemin ascends up to his room after greeting Mrs. Choi with a fake calm voice he has mastered. He curls up in his bed the moment he throws his bag away and discards his blazer then turns on the air conditioner. He lies stalely when the cool air his pale skin. The feelings he has for Minho are close to the deadlock.

He remembers when Kai told him that there was only one person who was able to stir Minho’s emotions in his heart and that person moved to Philippines around two years ago (since it happened on the eight month on Minho’s first year and now they are about to graduate within two and half months).

I want to see you.

Taemin can’t help from thinking whether she still has feelings for Minho or not.

And how about Minho?

Taemin, never even once, questions if Minho has someone he likes or not now. Either way, he just accepts how things are going between them.

It’s not like he has a chance more than this. There’s no way Minho will be his. He even doesn’t dare to dream it. The moment he saw Minho, that time, he had imagined where this engagement would lead them.. It won’t work.

But still, no matter how hard Taemin tries to let it go, he finds this painful.

Didn’t I promise to support him with anyone he will love?

Taemin reminds himself that he should not be selfish – whom Minho will love won’t be him.

Yet maybe, this is the first time Taemin feels anxious and upset.

Taemin tries to remember Dara’s perfect figure – tall, slim, beautiful, and graceful. Her white skin, long hair, radiant smile adds to her perfection. He didn’t expect that someone being Minho’s ex-girlfriend would be that drop dead gorgeous.

Whilst on the other hand, she’s the complete contrary of him – he’s so thin that his bones protrude out everywhere. He’s a man. He doesn’t have anything to be proud of considering that Minho’s preference is normal.

Thinking of it, he feels heartache.

A logical mature side of him says it’s horrible for being so dejected because he has promised to be okay with every possibility later, but he doesn’t want to hear it for now.

For once, this time, Taemin thinks that it’s okay for feeling this way.

Because he can’t deny what he feels towards Minho.

I think it’s not a crime.. as long as I don’t tell anyone, isn’t it?

Minho steps into his house and murmurs a loud enough ‘I’m home’ after he sent off Dara to get her a cab. He slumps his tall body into bed and sinks his face into the pillow, breathing the dull scent each time his chest heaves up.

“ What do you mean..” Minho can’t surpass the shock. Dara whips around to meet with the man in front of him face to face, sending a worried look.

“ Can’t i?”

“ No, I mean – “ Minho collects his breaths, “ I thought we were done already.”

“ Well..” Dara reciprocates, “ We were.”

If they were, why would she want to see him?

“ Minho, I..” Dara sighs, “ Remember that when I said, I wanted to seek happiness?”

Minho dumbly nods, settling down the shock that has been swiftly swirling in him.

“ .. I didn’t find it, even after I moved away.”

“ .. And?”

Dara’s eyes wander to see through Minho, but to no avail. She smiles nervously – but she’s sure that no matter what it takes, she has to get what she wants.

“ I came back to get what I want to find again.”

“ ‘Again’..?” Minho seems lost, not comprehending the current situation and hoping that at least Dara would explain more, but the phone call interrupting them doesn’t help much. Dara picks it up and talks, in which to Minho it’s about Dara to return to the hotel now.

“ I must go,” Dara speaks as she hangs up the call, “ My dad tells me to.”

“ Your dad..” Minho blinks, “ Is he doing fine? I thought he is a very busy businessman.”

“ He is,” Dara smiles, “ He is the only family I have now so he agreed to accompany me to Seoul.. even though it only brings him painful memories.”

Painful memories..

Aren’t you also the victim of them?

That’s why you’ve been seeking your obsession of true happiness.

“ If he’s good then.. i think it’s not a problem,” Minho mumbles.

“ Yes,” she looks quite delighted, “ And Minho.. could you send me off to the main street so I can get a cab?”

As far as he can recall, Dara is quite demanding.

Minho closes his eyes. And she hasn’t changed at all.

A person, if someone lets her hand go, she will fall into a dark abyss because she has no strength to support herself in pains.

Someone who desperately looks for happiness.

That’s why she is so straightforward in telling other people what she wants.

With that attitude.. which makes him have no other option but oblige.

Minho knows her better than anyone else, because he was the person who supported and protected Dara, cherishing every memory they had back then.

Yet after the post-break-up, Minho learnt how to keep his heart away from anyone. After all he had done for Dara, that girl chose to part their ways and Minho felt a major loss and sadness. Now that he has moved on, why did she walk into his life again?

Taemin.

The name abruptly slips past his mind and his body shoots up.

How’s he now?

Minho bit his lower lip and groans. Great, now that he’s having a hard time in dealing with his engagement, his fiancée had to witness him with Dara. It’s not like they were doing something – they were just conversing.

But even if Taemin doesn’t know who Dara is, that boy is pretty sensitive and aware of his surrounding.

Did he notice something?

Some reasons, Minho feels bad.

He wants to clear up this – but what?

And why am I so worked up to avoid any misunderstanding between me and Taemin?

That night, Minho decides to check the pale beauty and make sure if there’s something weird with him or not.

So when Mrs. Choi calls the boys out for dinner, Minho immediately looks at the younger male. He searches if there’s any change on his facial expression, but he finds nothing.

 “ Hyung, why are you looking at me like that?” Taemin frowns and touches his own cheek, “ Is there something on my face?”

Taemin caught me staring, great, Minho inwardly chides. “ No, I was just spacing out.”

“ Oh,” Taemin’s face softens and grins, “ Don’t be like that. Now let’s enjoy the food your mom has made for us, Hyung.”

He’s still the same Taemin, from what Minho sees.

But then again, a realization hits him.

What does he know about Taemin, except that guy often smiles in all situations?

He never shows any emotions but looking happy and calm in front of Minho.

Minho can’t read the truth beneath Taemin’s smiles. Is he really okay and not bothered at all?

Or is there something else I don’t know?

This is what makes Taemin different from Dara – Taemin considers other people first before him for their sake, not to make them worried.

Even if he lies to me..

Minho quietly stares at his food and takes a spoon of each of it.

What is the real him?

The one who always smiles because he wants, or..

The one who always holds back his feelings?

Somehow, deep inside his heart, Minho feels disappointed for not knowing anything, wondering if he can find the answer, one day.