unable to sleep, I look up at the window's moon...
if I think about that day
on the stairway to the sky, I walked each step one by one
there is nothing, no matter how far I've looked, that I'm certain of
but in joyful times and bad times, you were by my side

onto the ship without a map floating to the darkness
to tomorrow continuing to shine just like that star

*in my heart from someday on it will shine
because you are here
even until all of my tears dry, so precious
because you are here

even if a stormy night is expected,
even if the sun collapses, it doesn't matter

even if impatience is in the way and I can't really speak well
even if there is no end I keep on walking

 

Anata - L'arc~en~Ciel

 

 

 

Minho notices that something has been going wrong with Taemin recently from the other day he witnessed him and Kai together in the infirmary. That chapfallen expression never subsides from his face, of which he actually, indeed, still always smiles, but that empty gaze looking at around him blank him explains that he is exactly troubled with something.

The taller man trudges towards the closet and picks his uniforms along with the undergarment, in that morning. He dresses up rather quicker than usual and checks his appearance once again before he goes downstairs. At this very moment, his gaze bumps into Taemin’s, who’s having his breakfast quietly. He woke up earlier, apparently, so when Taemin just sits there and munches two slices of bread with lettuce and smoked beef in between, he blinks upon sensing the older man standing across his seat. He looks up and it can be seen that he slightly chokes on the sandwich. He gazes up and grins cordially.

“ Morning, Hyung.”

“ Yeah, good morning too, Taemin,” Minho replies and takes out a slice of bread then he smears strawberry jam around it. “ Had a good sleep last night?”

“ Quite so.”

Then there’s an awkward pregnant silence again hanging in the balance that suffocates both of them. The only sounds that can be heard are their munching noises and perhaps the frictions between the utensils being used.

Minho is fully aware of anything happening now, even if it’s just a small crack.

He glances at the younger boy, and he wonders if Taemin is really not okay; because no matter how Minho tries to see, he still smiles.

Does that guy always solve everything with that kind of smile he has?

About that, it bothers him again, and to be honest, Minho feels quite irritated.

Just when Taemin will blow up over something without needing to smile?

And that, just that, I never understand what he’s thinking.

Minho has been pondering about this.

Is that guy really fine having an engagement and living with me like this?

What does he feel towards me?

Can he really tell that I am straight?

And what does he think of my ual preference?

Top of all, there’s a question that Minho desperately wants to know since he got introduced to Taemin, for the first time.

Does he accept the reality that I am into girls.. and how does he think about that and this engagement?

Yet again, whenever he tries to seek the answer, he can never tell because Taemin never exactly shows his feelings – because precisely, in the end, he will smile again.

What’s with that guy?

Taemin notices that Minho is staring at him now and looks nervous, but he grins embarrassedly because he has no idea of why.

Minho cracks his fingers quietly; an annoyance crawls up in his heart.

See?

He smiles again.

Never, even once..

Minho is able to understand his thinking.

“ I’m going first.”

Taemin nods slowly because he’s still too immersed in his sandwich. He only gazes at the taller man to light up an eye smile. “ Be careful.” Minho nods back and walks away, in which the awkwardness has not been rid of yet.

 

The younger male eats the sandwich quietly to the extent he gradually stops munching and then he wipes his face with a napkin placed next to the plate. His mind floats to an alien state that he finally doesn’t pay much attention to his surrounding, even when Mrs. Choi walks past him, he has no idea.

‘I am just his classmate, like you.’

Taemin wonders how it actually manages to hurt him until now, because hasn’t he accepted the fact that their relationship is in need to be hidden and not even single part of their engagement is going smoothly?

It hurts me because.. well.. we’re indeed not more than what Minho considers, and second, because I put my hope too high on him.

Perhaps no matter how hard someone tries to deny or accept, there’s a time when actually he or she is hoping that it can be true someday.

Taemin chuckles dryly at his own stupidity.

Goodness..

He rises up after drinks a gulp of water before he proceeds towards the door. He is about to open it wide without feeling anything – and when he realizes that there’s another person standing behind it Taemin looks at loss.

“ Taemin?”

He remembers that no one should have figured out where he lives currently.

Top of all, if it’s his school’s student(s).

“ Kai..”

 

“ Taemin, I don’t care about anything now, but just keep silent about our engagement and don’t let anyone at school know either.”

 

“ I was thinking yesterday if I had to visit your house so I could check your condition.. that’s why I’m here..” Kai frowns, “ but when I was about to approach your house, I saw Minho walking out in the same time, so I called our teacher to ask Minho’s address.. and it’s apparently the same with the place you live now. Well, I also checked your address after the class was over..”

Taemin gulps nervously. Does this mean he’ll tell everybody about this?

Kai stares at Taemin intensely that makes the pale beauty wishes to be swallowed by the ground he is standing on now. He wants to hide. He wants to run away.

“ What’s your relationship with him?”

At this very moment, Taemin knows that there’ll be no use to lie, especially if he lies to Kai, this guy can generally tell the truth afterward. Taemin closes his eyes, sighing deeply. “ Keep your mouth shut then. We’re going to talk about this while walking.”

Kai nods hesitantly, not because he wants to let the secret slip, but he feels nervous if Taemin will tell him something shocking.

“ I promise.”

“ You see,” At first, Taemin hesitates. An image of Minho crosses his mind and he wonders how Minho will possibly react if he knows this. He shivers at the thought and rids of it quickly. Even though Taemin doesn’t want anyone to know, but Kai is an exception. Perhaps he should know.

After all, he looks like a good person, doesn’t he?

So finally, Taemin answers.

“ He’s actually my fiancée.”

That causes Kai widen his big eyes and a realization suddenly hits him. “ Wait, what?”

“ It was a promise made between our grandfathers, though.. they were such good friends, and this is how things turned out like what you’ve seen. We live together after I moved from Mokpo. Basically you can say that we spend our time mostly together outside school.”

“ Ah.. I see..” Kai stammers, forgetting about how to speak properly. “ So.. are you in love with each other?”

The question slaps Taemin mentally and his heart thumps one beat faster. He smiles weakly at the thought, and replies, “ Minho is straight guy, you know, so there’s no way we..” but Taemin is too scared to finish it.

“ Then..” Kai hesitates, “ Do you.. love him?”

Taemin pauses.

Yeah..

Do i?

“ I.. don’t know what I really feel towards him, but..”

Whenever I see him..

I want to make him happy.

At all costs.. I want to make him smile.

“ It’s true that I’m getting keen on him..”

I hope, at least..

 Can I stay.. beside him little longer?

“ I’m happy enough.. being able to stay this close.. to him..”

 

It’d be a lie if Kai failed to detect overwhelming feelings in Taemin’s orbs when he’s talking about his fiancée.

The loving, and caring gaze he has..

Kai can’t help but want to tear those feelings instantly – he wants Taemin for himself.

He wishes that one day, that loving gaze will be for him.

“ I see..” Kai mutters, “Speaking of Minho’s ual preference, I know he is straight..”

I haven’t lost yet.

I can win.

I’ll snatch him away from that guy.

“ The only one that could make Minho open his heart.. was his ex-girlfriend and also his first love on his first year of high school.. and she moved to Philippines eight months later.”

Kai can tell from Taemin’s expression that he looks appalled.

“ She’s quite beautiful, if I remember, and has a bright personality too. A year older than Minho, so probably a kind of caring older sister type he always likes..” Kai explains, “ After they broke up, Minho became a completely quiet and reserved person again, so it showed that he used to like her so much. I don’t know about the present, though.. I haven’t seen him in any relationship until you told me about this..”

Right after Kai finishes his talk, he stares at Taemin’s round eyes deeply, making the other boy fluster. “ W – what?”

“ I know I should wish for your happiness, so I am really hoping it – your engagement – for the best..” Kai confesses, “ But honestly, I won’t give up on you either.”

Taemin’s eyes turn wider.

“ I’ve said it yesterday, right?” he asks, “ I like you. I don’t want to hear your answer now, because I’m determined to make you mine, one day.”

 

For whole classes today, Taemin isn’t in his usual self. He often mulls over or it’s possible to have his mind going blank entire day.

He is too confused, right now, and perhaps, a bit confounded too.

First, he totally forgot about Kai’s confession on the other day.. so when he heard the determination coming from him, Taemin didn’t know how to reply.

Second..

 

“ Wait, Minho,” Key frowns at Minho’s scribbled note, “ I can’t even read your writing..”

Taemin is stupefied at Minho’s unhappy reaction and giggles away quietly.

So much.. to explain that.. perhaps..

I’ve taken a liking.. to him..

 

“ His first love.”

 

Taemin’s fingers move back and forth across the surface of his desk in a slow pace. He ignores all conversation started by a couple of boys who like him somehow. Taemin feels that his chest heaves up and down that it’s suffocating. He has been holding onto his belief that Minho will look at him properly, but maybe, things are really going not too well as what he expected back then.

What should I do now..

 

“ You want us to come along with you to the festival tonight?”

After Minho repeats Mrs. Choi’s request, she nods and laughs lightly while neatly combing her hair. “ Yeah, I and your father are planning to stroll around. I don’t think it’s bad to relax and have some fun occasionally.”

Taemin listens to her obediently and glances at the older boy. He is nervous about Minho’s reaction. He is in the midst of thinking deeply because a single frown can be seen, before he sighs.

“ I know there’s no other way to refuse,” Minho shrugs, “ I don’t think it’s bad either. How about you, Taemin?”

“ I thought you didn’t want anyone find us together..” Taemin mumbles when Mrs and Mr. Choi back away from them. Minho narrows his eyes. “ Mm, probably we can say that we bump into each other..”

Taemin smiles – even though he has to admit, he wishes that the answer could be more honest. “ We’re going together.” No need to explain about their relationship – but isn’t it that bad if they happen to go together for real?

Oh right – it can cause a rumor arisen if someone sees us..

“ All right, Hyung,” I’ll just have to bear with it.. “ I understand.”

 

That night is full of people and so crowded. The Choi couple, Minho, and Taemin frown at the sight. They snort slightly and suddenly, Mr. Choi grabs his wife’s hand. “ Don’t get lost. Minho, you take care of Taemin.”

The youngest man shakes his head quickly. “ No, I’m also man here. I can look after myself, Mr. Choi. Don’t worry..”

So then, in second glance, the couple has gone away, much to both of boys’ curiousity.

“ How the hell they slipped into the crowd?”

“ Dunno..”

Minho and Taemin exchange glances awkwardly. The little one knows that he is stuck with finding a topic for their conversation, but in the end Taemin says nothing. He flutters his eyes close and curses himself for his incapability. Minho sighs because there’s nothing they can do except stroll around, so finally Minho coos, “ Let’s just look around. It’ll be a waste of time if we just stand here doing nothing.”

Taemin nods and follows the taller boy obediently.

 

Unexpected to Taemin, he finds out that Minho is cordially a person with very high competitive spirit. When he takes a challenge to aim a shot at certain prize he wants, like the limited t-shirt of his favorite soccer team, he tries his best until he gets it. Also when Taemin finally dares to request that he’d like to have a cotton candy for free if they win something, Minho complies.

Somehow their hands are stuffed with a lot of prizes Minho got through sightseeing particular stalls. Taemin is amazed at Minho’s competitiveness, even if it’s just about a small matter like winning over a prize.

Taemin watches the older guy’s serious look while aiming at his favorite prize in every challenge, and when he succeeds, Taemin can tell that there’s a beam of happiness sparkle in his big orbs. His expression softens and looks quite satisfied whenever he wins.

It’s just a simple matter, so why..

Taemin chuckles lightly. Minho looks so adorable around this time.

He really enjoys a slight change on Minho’s facial expression. He is not good at expressing himself, but Taemin knows that Minho is indeed enjoying this too.

“ Ah – sorry.”

Taemin bumps into someone accidentally. That person is a girl – and she is with her friends. Taemin realizes their giddy reactions after he apologizes, then his eyes trail towards where their gazes are fixed at.

So it’s Minho.

The pale beauty looks around and soon he notices that everyone has been paying attention to them, especially Minho. He really stands out and attracts people’s attention because he is handsome and tall, just like a character in manga. Taemin is quite aware that himself isn’t too bad looking, but not as fine as Minho. Taemin twitches an asymmetric smile since he has expected this a little earlier.

But..

Taemin watches Minho who has been looking around him intensely to find any new games to play.

Even from afar.. I can tell that.. He sure looks exceptionally dashing.. around girls..

Suddenly he feels a sharp pang in his heart.

“ The only one that could make Minho open his heart was his ex-girlfriend and also his first love on his first year of high school”

 

Even if it’s not me..

If that can make him happy..

Taemin turns around and hurries back at a stall which has a prize that catches his attention.

He needs to do this.

He needs to make everything clear.

 

 

“ Huh?” Minho crinkles the tip of his nose, “ Where’s Taemin?”

He begins walking through the crowd and scans around him thoroughly. “ That’s weird.. I thought we were together couple minutes ago..”

If his parents return any time soon and they don’t see Taemin along with him, he’ll be dead.

Minho snorts unhappily since the crowd is no joke. He can barely see everything, but at least he manages to get better view thanks to his tall height.

“ I’ll just call him – “ when he flips open his phone, Minho realizes that he doesn’t have Taemin’s number. “ Crap..” he hisses and slips back his phone into the pocket. “ Where the hell is he now..”

Why do I not have his number, anyway.. How can i..

Whenever he starts thinking of Taemin, flashes of images and scenes of the pretty boy are played in his mind clearly like a fast-forwarded video that the only thing he always remembers after it is his soft smile.

Why do I never understand what he’s thinking..

when he seems that.. he understands me better than what I expect, through that longing gaze?

“ Minho Hyung?”

The gentle voice calls him from behind that Minho hurriedly turns around and finds the other boy grin widely. “ I’m sorry that I went to somewhere without telling you.. I was thinking to get something for you, but I just found this.”

Taemin pulls out a football keychain of his pocket and hands it over to the taller man. He smiles and explains, “ I saw this earlier and I thought that it suits your taste. I was just in the right mood to give something as a small present because we already happened to spend our time together here. Don’t think of this too much, I just want to give this to you.”

“ Ah..” Minho accepts the keychain in bewilderment, “ Thank you..”

“ You’re welcome,” Taemin grins, and Minho notices it again.

See..?

He always puts on the same smile every time he’s with me..

And the kindness.. that never changes..

Minho stares at the younger boy in front of him quietly.

I wonder if he really gets hurt sometimes because of me..

I wonder.. what he feels towards me..

“ Hyung,” Taemin suddenly speaks, “ I think I need to tell you something.”

Minho raises one of his eyebrows curiously. “ Hmm? What’s it?”

Does he love me?

Or does he feel nothing?

In what way.. he sees me?

Taemin jaws tighten, Minho can see it, and he clenches his fist, but the same smile doesn’t fade away – it’s always still there.

I am straight, yet I can’t stop from thinking that..

How will this guy.. walk into someone’s life?

How will he.. affect me?

“ You see.. I’ve been thinking about this for some time..”

The pale beauty looks up straight into Minho’s eyes. A wave of feelings is there, in those brown eyes of Taemin, even Minho can tell that.

Something like..

He has determined something.. and will hold onto it dearly..

“ Let me stay by your side until you find a right person – your true love.”

Minho doesn’t know why his mind is going blank and as white as an untouched paper..

“ In good times, bad times, I will accompany you, until the day for me to disappear from your life comes..”

.. and he can barely hear the sound of fireworks cracking in the sky, too.

“ Let me.. stay here, Hyung..”

 

 

Even if it hurts me..

Even if it’s not me..

If it’s to see him happy..

For you..

I’m willing to do everything, even if it costs my own happiness..