‘Ma, there’s this encyclopedia that I’m interested in buying,’ I said during dinner.

 

‘Don’t you have a few of those already?’ Ma questioned.

 

‘Yes, but there’s no harm in learning more right?’ I knew how to manipulate my parents into getting whatever I needed/wanted.

 

‘Of course you can, Jae dear,’ my Ma beamed at me.

 

I saw Yoochunnie sulk in the seat beside me, using his fork to push the broccoli to the corner of his plate. He hated vegetables a lot, especially broccoli.

 

‘No wonder you’re so stupid,’ Pa chided.

 

I winced. Ouch.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Here, the money and signed form, as promised,’ I grinned.

 

‘What if they demand to see the encyclopedia?’ Yoochunnie frowned, keeping the form and money into his backpack.

 

‘I’ll just say I lent it to a friend,’ I shrugged.

 

‘Okay…’ Yoochunnie kept quiet.

 

‘Yoochunnie, this is for you,’ I fished out a water brush from my pocket and placed it on the study table before his eyes.

 

Yoochunnie gasped and picked it up, examining the brush with shining eyes.

 

‘I saw your old one in the dustbin, so I figured you needed a new one.’

 

‘You didn’t have to buy such an expensive one for me, Jaejoong,’ his eyes never left his new baby.

 

‘Anything for you, and you’re welcome,’ I left the room.

 

 

I bit my bottom lip as I tried my best to hold back the tears because of Jaejoong’s actions.

 

Why? How? What did I ever do in my past life to have been blessed with such a wonderful brother like him? At times, I would wonder if Jaejoong was actually a guardian angel in disguise.

 

Sometimes, I wake up in cold sweat after having nightmares about Jaejoong finally giving up on me, leaving me alone to fend for myself. And I find myself in a dilemma, because on such nights, I would recover, only to find my favorite chocolate bar on the bedside table. It could only the act of one person.

 

And that’s when I feel reassured… that Jaejoong would never abandon me.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Yoochunnie, you’ll be late if you continue sleeping,’ I shook my brother.

 

‘One more minute…’

 

‘I already gave you 10 extra minutes of sleep, now get up,’ I drew the curtains open, revealing the rays of the sun which began to shine harshly on Yoochunnie.

 

I heard him curse harshly and throw the blankets off himself before stumbling slightly to reach the bathroom to freshen up.

 

I began making his bed and rearranged the stuffed toys on it in sequential order - he always had the habit of naming them by numbering each one.

 

‘Why are you still in here?’ Yoochunnie came out from the bathroom and was in the process of buttoning up his uniform.

 

‘Tidying up a little for you,’ I said, ‘I made breakfast for you already, so hurry downstairs.’

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Jaejoong,’ I began, breaking the silence between us on the way to school.

 

‘Yes, Yoochunnie?’ Jaejoong smiled a little too brightly at me.

 

‘I hate it when you call me that,’ I pouted angrily.

 

‘Yes, Yoochunnie?’ Jaejoong grinned even wider, ignoring my comment.

 

‘I went into the kitchen this morning… at around 4am in the morning,’ I said.

 

Jaejoong simply nodded.

 

‘And when I got back to my room… I saw from underneath the door… your room’s light was still on,’ I didn’t dare make eye contact with Jaejoong.

 

Jaejoong shifted in his seat on the bus, making himself sit up straight instead of slouching like he did earlier.

 

‘I was up working on my assignments,’ Jaejoong simply replied.

 

‘Yesterday too?’ I got curious.

 

‘Yes, of course.’

 

‘And the day before yesterday?’

 

‘Hmm,’ Jaejoong continued to nod.

 

‘That means you haven’t been sleeping for the past few nights?’

 

‘I can’t afford to sleep, I have too much work to be done,’ Jaejoong sighed.

 

I couldn’t help but feel worried for his health.

 

‘It’s our stop, Yoochunnie!’ Jaejoong woke me from my thoughts.

 

We both got off the bus and walked into the school campus.

 

I was about take a different route from Jaejoong to head into my classroom down the hallway when I heard his voice.

 

‘Thank you,’ Jaejoong grinned at me.

 

‘Why?’

 

‘For caring about me,’ Jaejoong then waved to me, ‘Have a great day ahead, Yoochunnie!’

 

I stood rooted to the ground, an invisible giant wave of guilt crashing over me.

 

He always knows the true meaning behind my words.

 

‘You’re welcome, Jaejoong,’ I muttered, but again, he’ll never hear it. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~‘

 

'Perfect, Jaejoong. Did everyone get the question correct as well?’ I frowned inwardly at the word ‘perfect’.

 

There was no such thing as perfection but why do people still pursue it so badly?

 

I returned to my seat at the centre of class and sighed.

 

‘Does anyone know how to do the last question? It’s tricky but all you need is to spend a little more time analyzing it then you’ll be able to solve it,’ my Math teacher encouraged.

 

It was the last lesson of the day and the classroom was unbearably stuffy since the air conditioner had broken down. Seeing that everyone was half dead and staring blankly at the practice papers before them, I sighed again and went forward to solve the question on the whiteboard, hoping the teacher would release us earlier.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~‘

 

'You didn’t have to wait for me,’ Yoochunnie frowned when he saw me outside his class.

 

‘I want to! It’s the only day of the week that we can go home together!’ I beamed, hoping to have a conversation with him on the way home.

 

‘Right,’ Yoochunnie rolled his eyes.

 

‘How was school today?’ I began.

 

‘Bad, I failed Math again,’ Yoochunnie frowned even harder and began walking towards the bus stop.

 

‘Oh, dear,’ I felt so disappointed, ‘Which topic?’

 

‘Geometry,’ Yoochunnie made a disgusted face.

 

I laughed, ‘I’ll make some notes for you, so it’s easier to revise. You’ll have to take a retest right?’

 

‘How did you know?’

 

‘We have the same Math teacher Yoochunnie, and he asked me to help you as much as I can.’

 

‘Telltale…’ Yoochunnie muttered.

 

‘Anyway, it’s Ma’s birthday tomorrow and I haven’t thought of what to get her. Any ideas?’ I asked.

 

‘I don’t give her presents,’ Yoochunnie sulked.

 

‘I know, I’m just asking for ideas.’

 

‘You’re so smart, you’ll figure it out,’ he said bitterly.

 

‘Yoochunnie, don’t be like this,’ I felt hurt.

 

‘Don’t be like what? Stop being stupid? Sorry, but I wasn’t as lucky as you to have inherited our parents’ genius brains!’ Yoochunnie looked away.

 

‘I didn’t mean that,’ I answered softly, angry at myself for being misunderstood by poor Yoochunnie.

 

‘Just shut the up, Jaejoong, I want a quiet bus ride home,’ Yoochunnie flagged for the bus and we both went on it.

 

‘I’m sorry, I’ll keep quiet now,’ I replied guiltily.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘I’m sorry too, Jaejoong,’ I said in my head and looked out of the window, ‘I’m sorry for taking out all my frustrations on you. I’m really sorry.’

 

I know you’ll forgive me if I admitted it.

 

So I won’t.

 

I don’t deserve your forgiveness.

 

Just let me continue to suffer.

 

Allow me to atone for my sins this way.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Happy Birthday Ma,’ Jaejoong handed her a wrapped gift.

 

‘You didn’t have to, Jae dear,’ Ma hugged Jaejoong tightly.

 

‘Happy Birthday, Mother,’ I said unhappily.

 

‘Go back to your room and study, don’t waste time here,’ Mother snapped at me.

 

I sulked and secretly pointed a middle finger behind her back before retiring to my room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

There was a knock on my door.

 

‘What the hell do you want!?’ I bellowed.

 

I hope it was Jaejoong because if it were my parents, they would tell me off for my language and shouting at them.

 

The door opened. Thank God it was my brother.

 

‘Yoochunnie, I managed to sneak a piece of cake for you,’ Jaejoong looked so satisfied at this accomplishment that I almost laughed but I coughed to hide it.

 

‘I don’t like sweet stuff,’ I lied.

 

Damn, who the hell was I trying to lie to - to the guy who knows practically everything about me. The same guy who places milk chocolate bars at my bedside knowing that it’s the only thing that calms me down from bad dreams.

 

I knew though, that he would never tell me off for lying to him. I’m too ing precious in his eyes. But why was that? I’m nothing special anyway. I’m just plain, cowardly stupid Yoochun.

 

‘You didn’t eat much during dinner, since it was just chicken and potato salads,’ Jaejoong, you are such a saint.

 

Of course he would know by heart that I avoided vegetables like a plague.

 

When we were kids, he would always secretly eat up the veggies for me when our parents weren’t looking at us at the dinner table.

 

‘Just leave it at the side, I might eat it later,’ correction: I will wolf it down as soon as you leave the room.

 

‘Okay then. Anyway, question six’s answer is wrong, use the cosign formula instead. And it’s the third of September today, not August. Good night.’

 

!!! How did he scan through my paper so quickly?

 

Even the date’s wrong? Really?

 

Oh yeah… .

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~