If you got the chance to hang out with Jaejoong and Yoochun one day, you’d think they're from very much contrasting backgrounds. They’re too different, in terms of physical appearance, mentality and personality to be brothers.

But they are.

They were once very close, so much so that it could be said that one couldn’t live or breathe without the other.

That was when grades didn’t matter yet.

Jaejoong was 2 years older than Yoochun.

Yoochun’s preschool teacher always shared a story before releasing the students when the school day ended. A week after the tooth fairy tale was shared, Yoochun dropped his first tooth. The four year old was elated of course, and neatly wrapped his front tooth with tissue and stuck it under his fluffy pillow. He even went as far as write a note telling the tooth fairy not to be stingy with the money she/he/it was supposed to give.

Yoochun would always come into Jaejoong’s bedroom to ‘report’ whatever happened during classes. Jaejoong would never find this a bother because he loved the company of his younger brother. His eyes would always be shining and he would nod vehemently whenever Yoochun did his sharing.

Because of this, Jaejoong knew his brother was really looking forward to receiving some money in exchange for the tooth that had fallen. He snuck into Yoochun’s room and collected the tooth from him, leaving behind a thousand won in return.

Jaejoong was born with a strange brother complex and this went into ‘extreme mode’ when both of them started elementary school.

And that was the beginning of when grades started to matter.

Jaejoong was too smart for his own good. He had excellent memory so all he had to do was listen and pay attention in class once and the information will forever be etched in his memory. However, he remained humble and found joy in staying back in school to coach fellow classmates who lagged behind. He would find a sense of accomplishment whenever those he coached made an improvement in their grades.

Jaejoong had a very unique ability. He was able to imitate - almost perfectly, anyone’s handwriting, and because of Yoochun (will be explained later), he practiced really hard and eventually, this ‘talent’ extended to forging signatures as well.

Yoochun, however, hated studying. What made it all the more worse was that he developed Attention Deficit Disorder during the second year of elementary school, which made him doodle in his textbooks, always asking for permission to go the toilet just to escape class and not handing in his homework.

Their parents were both university professors, so education was a very big thing within the family.

They brought Yoochun to seek professional medical help. He got over the disorder, but he still detested studying because of all the pressure his parents kept giving him.

It didn’t help when Jaejoong was doing so well in school, winning math and science competitions, getting top in the cohort and even representing Seoul in a nationwide debate competition and going on to win best speaker on top of his team emerging overall champions.

He started to hate hanging out with his elder brother. It made him feel stupid. It made him feel lowly of himself. It made him lose confidence.

He would chase Jaejoong away, lying that he had loads of homework to complete.

His only outlet of personal expression was drawing, in which he excelled in but nobody knew about this except for Jaejoong of course.

Jaejoong would sneak into his room every night to cover Yoochun with the blanket properly, kiss his forehead goodnight and look through the homework his younger sibling had done before heading to bed.

Jaejoong would assess on how Yoochun was progressing, using a pencil to circle his mistakes and writing the correct answers on top of them. He knew Yoochun would always hide failed tests and spellings in his bag so Jaejoong would sign them so his brother could escape in case the teacher decides to call their parents up to ask why they were unsigned, and in the process revealing how badly Yoochun was fairing in school.

Yoochun would feign illness to escape from handing in homework and since both brothers were in the same school, Jaejoong would steal them to complete them on his behalf and apologise to the teacher by stating that his brother was ill before handing them in for him.

Jaejoong had tried coaching Yoochun but his younger brother would ignore him, focusing all his attention on doodling on the sides of his textbooks.

Both brothers hated dinnertime, because their parents would start to play favourites and beat Yoochun down.

‘Why can’t you be like Jaejoong? Why are you always drawing nonsense on every single surface  you come across?’ his Father would always tell Yoochun off.

‘What did you get for the latest math test, Jae dear?’

‘It was fine,’ Jaejoong hated revealing his real marks in front of Yoochun because he didn’t want his brother to feel even worse than he already was.

‘And what did you get, Yoochun?’

‘I failed,’ Yoochun was so used to it that he didn’t lie anymore.

And then another one of those long and boring lecture would commence.

Yoochun would imagine painting the scenery in a beautiful quiet French town while Jaejoong would close his eyes to pray for Yoochun to pull through the harsh words from their parents.

The starting of high school was the worst for Yoochun, as he struggled with teen angst and the quest for individuality, often leading to big fights with his parents and loads of grounding and privileges taken away - not that Yoochun had any freedom to begin with.

Yoochun went into a private school, where their parents paid loads of money for him to enter because they wanted him to receive the best education and hopefully, in such a pressured and competitive environment, push him to improve his terrible grades.

Jaejoong also attended this said school, and as usual, was the star student.

Yoochun found even his peers comparing him to his ‘awesome’ brother.

Yoochun started to blame his plight on Jaejoong. If Jaejoong was doing as bad as he was, then their lives would have been much more lax. If Jaejoong was as stupid as him, then their parents would love/hate them equally.

It was true that Jaejoong received all the attention from their parents. And Jaejoong hated it. He didn’t understand why his parents were so biased. He would try to give Yoochun some ‘airtime’ by telling them how good Yoochun was at art but his parents began scolding Yoochun, saying that art was a waste of time and people looked at qualifications, not sketchbooks.

Jaejoong decided to neglect his studies one day and reported this to Yoochun.

‘If I start to do badly in my studies, they’ll treat us the same!’ Jaejoong joked.

Yoochun ignored him.

The teacher called up his parents and told them about Jaejoong not handing in his homework recently and Yoochun got scolded for it.

‘Yoochun, stop influencing Jaejoong negatively! Jaejoong, no more hanging out with your brother anymore, or risk become worthless like him.’

Jaejoong began to cry at those harsh words and Yoochun resigned to his fate -  that everything that went wrong within the family was his entire fault.

However, Jaejoong would without fail, sneak into Yoochun’s room in the dead of the night to watch over a sleeping Yoochun who cries in his sleep.

Jaejoong’s heart would ache and he would start crying too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Jaejoong, stop doing this,’ I flung the money onto the floor, ‘I don’t need your pity!’

‘I’m not pitying you!’ Jaejoong said softly, bending down to pick up the money on my bedroom floor.

My heart wrenched at the sight before me. I love my brother a lot, but I would selfishly blame all my unhappiness on him. Living a lie made my life a little better. Everytime I conversed with him, I would only hurt him further. I could never express myself the way I wanted to. When I wanted to thank him, I would always end up pushing him away.

But I’m grateful that no matter how many times I hurt Jaejoong, he would always appear before me, helping me without me asking for it.

‘Look, I watch you skip lunch breaks in school. I know Ma and Pa aren’t giving you allowances anymore until you pass at Math, so take the money and eat. I don’t want you suffering from starvation or gastritis,’ my heart ached even more at his words.

With that, he placed the money on my study table and left my room. 

I whispered a thank you only after he closed the door behind him.

But he would never be able to hear my gratitude. I don’t dare express this because I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the way I treated him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would always come home late because of cram school.

Because Jaejoong’s room was just beside mine, I would always see light from underneath the door when I walked past it.

I lifted my left wrist to look at the watch, it stated: 12.38am.

I almost knocked on his door but stopped.

What was I supposed to say to him? Good night? I’m home? Why are you still up?

Of course he would be happy to reply or answer anything that comes from my mouth but my conscience ate at me.

I was an ungrateful bastard.

I decided to head back to my room instead, carrying an immensely heavy heart.

If only I could sit for the math test coming up in 3 days in place of Yoochunnie, only then would he be able to resume receiving allowances so he can eat properly.

I pulled at my hair. It was the third night in a row that I couldn’t sleep. I’m no fool. I know my poor sleeping habits and lack of rest have led to my development of insomnia.

But I had to finish planning the school carnival since I was nominated to be put in charge of it.

I didn’t want to join the student council but my parents insisted, stating that it was good for my portfolio in anticipation for my future admission into a good university.

I looked to my left: a pile of homework I had promised my classmates to do in exchange for money. I had to earn some pocket money for Yoochunnie.

Then where else do you think the money comes from?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally began to feel sleepy halfway during Biology so I whipped out my handphone and selected the audio recorder function, pressed record and went to sleep.

The teachers all allowed this because I always performed to their expectations.

In a way, I hated it because it reminded me of my parents: practicing favoritism.

Someone tapped my shoulder a few minutes later and I woke up.

‘Yes?’ I asked my seat partner who woke me from my slumber.

‘Your brother is outside our class, it seems that he’s looking for you.’

Indeed he was, looking rather jumpy as well.

I began to get worried. He never looked for me in school before.

I raised my hand to seek permission to go to the toilet, which was immediately granted.

‘Yoochunnie, what’s up?’ I asked worriedly.

‘I keep telling you, don’t call me that,’ Yoochunnie spat irritably, ‘Anyway, I need to ask something of you’

‘Anything for you,’ I said this a little too excitedly which earned me a confused look from Yoochun.

He recovered his composure and said, ‘There’s an excursion for art class next Monday and…’

‘Just give me the permission slip when we get home and I’ll sign it. Do you need to pay for it?’ I immediately cut in.

‘Yeah,’ he sheepishly scratched his head, ‘It’s ing $250 because of the materials we have to buy and it’s a three day excursion/workshop thing.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll get the money, when is the deadline for handing in the form and money?’

‘In 3 days.’

‘Yoochunnie, I promise you, I’ll make sure you’re able to attend this.’

Yoochun seemed to be fighting in a losing battle for words.

‘You’re welcome,’ I smiled and went back into the classroom.