It was dejavu all over again. Waking up in Jinki’s bed with only a vague recollection of how he got there after freaking out. Only this time, he felt worse and he hadn’t realized that was possible. Sick with guilt and shame, still exhausted and feeling like he hadn’t eaten in weeks, it was easier to try and pulled the scattered thoughts of recent memory together rather than face Jinki just yet.

                Kibum remembered Eric leaving the apartment. Remembered finding the strength to finally open Jinki’s messages. And read them. One by one. Confused guilt bit hard and panic consumed him then. Driving him out of the room.

                Vaguely he remembered Eric standing by the door. Head turning to watch him go. Sunny’s face on the screen. Her voice saying something that brushed past his ears. He caught the cab that was waiting out front. For him? Didn’t matter.

                He blinked and Jinki’s house was in front of him. Then the door. Then Jinki. Oh beautiful wondrous Jinki. Then… here.

                Here being in Jinki’s bed hiding under the covers and steadfastly pretending he was asleep. Or at least unconscious. Clearly, Jinki wasn’t fooled.

                “Hey,” he called softly, tugging on the covers over his head and trying gently to pull them down. “It’s just us now. You can talk to me.”

                Kibum pursed his lips and tried very hard to remain still.

                “I know you’re awake, love.” The word made Kibum wince and his eyes burn. It felt like a weapon to cut him. Not an affectation as it had always been. “You’ve stopped breathing to hold your breath three times already.”

                Oh. He had been doing that, hadn’t he? For a moment, he debated on whether he should try and maintain the charade, but… it wasn’t worth it. He was already here after all. Might as well get it over with if Jinki was going to get mad at him or kick him out or denounce him… He forced his hands to relax, fingers unfurling from the blanket. The next time Jinki tugged at it, the cover slipped free and he had to fight not to snatch it back. Especially when he heard Jinki’s quiet gasp.

                Neither of them said anything. It was the silence that drove Kibum to look. To make sure that Jinki hadn’t somehow disappeared when he wasn’t watching him. He rolled just enough to glance over his shoulder. And froze. Mesmerized. His mouth fell open slightly and he exhaled with a shaky breath. “Jinki.”

                Jinki bit his bottom lip and nodded, a worried smile pulling his cheeks up. “Yeah. It’s me,” he laughed once, hands dancing in his lap like they wanted to reach towards him.

                Mutely, Kibum sat up, moving slow due to feeling like a newborn foal: wobbly and weak. But he didn’t look away. He hardly dared to blink. The only version of Jinki he’d seen for weeks had been the ruined one in the cryopod. It had haunted him endlessly. He hadn’t seen his face in the hospital so hadn’t known, not really, that he was better. His brows dipped and he pursed his lips. One hand hesitantly rose to reach towards the other man’s face.

                Jinki immediately realized what he wanted to do and nodded encouragement. “It’s okay,” he whispered with a watery smile. “I’m okay.”

                Kibum sniffed once, a tiny breath of air to steady him. He swallowed and let his fingertips brush Jinki’s cheekbone. A shaky laugh escaped, a mere whisper of sound. The skin was smooth beneath his touch. Unblemished. Not burned. Not covered in blood. “You’re alright,” he rasped, letting his other hand rise to join the first. He traced the lines of hurt and blood in his memory but found only healed flesh. “You’re really okay,” he whispered, fingertips tracing Jinki’s nose before his thumbs brushed the trembling lips.

                “I am,” he nodded, warm breath washing over Kibum’s hands.

                He jerked them back, surprised. And then laughed once, almost unbelieving. His hands hovered in front of him as he looked down, the brief moment of joy slipping away. “I read… the r-reports. S-saw… the video,” he stammered slowly, gaze fixated on Jinki’s arms and lower body. The horror of mangled flesh flashed through his mind and he winced.

                Jinki took a breath and sighed before he slowly reached out both hands, palms turned up. “I was hurt, yes. But they fixed me, Kibum. See?” he offered, waiting patiently for a response.

                It was almost impossible to believe. His memory couldn’t reconcile what he’d seen then with what he was seeing now. Kibum stopped breathing as he reached his right hand to skittishly touch Jinki’s left palm. The sensation startled him because it felt real and he jerked back with a gasp. “But I saw…” he trailed off, looking up to meet Jinki’s eyes in befuddled confusion.

                “They are fake,” Jinki explained, looking down as he turned them over slowly, carefully. “But they’re real enough. I promise.”

                Kibum’s hands trembled as he pursed his lips again, staring at the seamless flesh before him. He blinked and took a breath, steeling himself to reach so he could rest his palms atop Jinki’s. A sob came free and he smiled. They were warm and real and completely unharmed. They felt just like they had before. “You’re okay,” he breathed, swallowing hard as he kept his touch feather soft.

                “You’re not going to hurt me, Kibum,” Jinki promised, partially curling his fingers around Kibum’s thin wrists. He flinched but didn’t pull away. “I might hurt me, but you won’t,” he added with a laugh.

                “But I did hurt you,” Kibum whispered, looking up as he held very still. He shook his head and looked down. “That’s all I’ve done since… since…”

                Jinki’s fingers twitched and they both jerked. “Stop, love,” he urged, frowning at Kibum when he looked up to meet his gaze.

                “But it’s my fault,” he insisted, ready to take that blame to his grave. “Everything is my-”

                “Stop!” Jinki snapped in frustration, his fingers spasming again. He let go when Kibum gave a muted cry of pain and pulled away.

                “See? I’m doing it again,” he rambled, hands hovering close to his chest as he stared at Jinki’s. “And now you’re mad at me,” he mumbled, clenching his hands into fists as he kept his head down.

                He heard Jinki take a breath. “I’m not mad at you, Kibum. I’m frustrated and still trying to get used to my new body, but I’m not mad at you. I never was.”

                “But I-”

                “Do you think I would try to contact you as much as I did if I blamed you for any of what happened?” he demanded, his voice sharp and cutting to Kibum’s ears. “Do you honestly think I’d be here right now, trying to show you, to prove to you that I’m okay if I really thought any of this was your fault?” he continued, giving a breathy laugh that had no mirth.

                “I should have been able to do something,” he mumbled quickly, desperate to get the words out.

                Air whistled through Jinki’s nose. “Like what?”

                Kibum had no answer. He kept his head ducked and shrugged his shoulders.

                “We had an accident, love,” Jinki stated simply, his voice calming down again. “It could have happened to anyone. Anywhere. It just happened to be us this time.” Jinki’s hand moved into view to rest atop Kibum’s legs hidden under the blanket. “And if you’re going to insist on taking all the blame for piloting, I should take as much for the engine room disaster.”

                “But there was nothing you could do!” he denied immediately, shaking his head with a frantic motion as he looked up.

                “Like you?” he asked simply, searching Kibum’s eyes with his own. “I read the reports too, Kibum.” He paused to shake his head and chew on his bottom lip. “You can run the ‘What ifs…’ and ‘I should haves…’ all you want, but the truth is that there was nothing you could do either.”

                Kibum’s eyes watered and he whimpered, “But you almost died. And I…”

                “And you were mostly unharmed,” Jinki finished for him with a nod. “And I’m grateful for that, Kibum. So grateful. Really.”

                Kibum pursed his lips and struggled not to cry outright. “But Larad and Ercite…”

                “Will be missed. Always,” he confirmed leaning forward. “But don’t you think they would want us to live? To keep going?”

                Kibum couldn’t answer. The words stuck in his throat.

                “Isn’t that what Larad was trying to make sure of when he rescued me? When he went back for you and Crawven? When he tried to get to Ercite too?” Jinki asked, his fingers tightening on Kibum’s legs. “It’s okay to be sad he’s gone,” he promised, sniffing once and taking a steadying breath. “I am too. But I’m so grateful that he saved me. That he helped save you. That we’re here today. Like this. Because of him. And Ercite. And Crawven.”

                It hurt to hear their names said out loud. Agonizingly so. But it was a hurt that made him feel alive, even though it ripped his heart open and made him bleed. “I just feel like I failed them. Failed you,” he mumbled, his voice thick with b tears.

                “Kibum. Give me your hand,” his boyfriend urged, turning the hand on Kibum’s legs over to offer his palm in quiet entreaty. Unsure, Kibum looked at it and then back up at Jinki’s face. “Trust me,” he whispered, offering a small nod of encouragement.

                He hesitated for a moment longer but finally allowed his hand to descend into Jinki’s. Gentle fingers curled around and then pulled back, dragging his hand with it. Kibum watched them move through the space between them and then gasped when Jinki held Kibum’s palm against his chest.

                “Feel that?” he asked, staring at Kibum.

                Kibum stared at his hand, overwhelmed by the subtle beat pulsing under his palm.

                “That’s me, Kibum. My heart. My real heart, okay? This is still yours, love. It still belongs to you. That hasn’t changed,” he promised, pressing harder against his chest, like in doing so Kibum would be able to remember it forever.

                For a moment, Kibum just sat there on the edge of tears, staring at Jinki’s waist pitifully.

                “What’s wrong, love?” Jinki asked, mildly confused and worried.

                A whimper escaped Kibum and he finally explained, “I want to hug you but I don’t know if I’ll hurt you and I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes and finally cried, feeling pitiful and helpless.

                “Oh love,” Jinki laughed once, pulling Kibum into his embrace and wrapping his arms around him carefully. “I already told you. You won’t hurt me.”

                “I’m sorry!” he howled again anyway, face buried in Jinki’s chest as he held tighter, barely able to believe Jinki was here and holding him and not mad and not pushing him away.

                Jinki’s chuckle was loud in his ear. “We’re both a little broken, love. But that’s okay. We can get better together, alright? Can we do that? Kibum?” he asked, cradling Kibum’s head tenderly.

                “Yeah,” Kibum sniffed with another whimper. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to leave you. I’m sorry! I was just so scared. I’m so so sorry!” he mumbled, the words running into each other frantically when he finally opened his mouth to free them.

                “Shh,” Jinki soothed, body shaking with quiet amusement and tears. “I’m here. I’ve got you, love. I’m here.”

 

                It was going to be a long road to recovery for both of them. Jinki had been receiving constant care and attention since he’d been hospitalized so all he needed to work on was physical therapy. For the most part. Kibum on the other hand… His physical state had deteriorated considerably since the accident. Regaining lost weight was one of the first things he needed to do. Worse, his mental state was painfully fragile and, if he ever wanted to captain a ship again, he was going to have to get clearance from a psychiatrist first. There was no way he was ready for that kind of responsibility in the condition he was in right now.

                And around all of that, there was the matter of the remnants of the Shine to discuss. It had been salvaged and was being kept in storage until Kibum made a final decision on it. That or until a lack of response became the official answer within a certain time frame. Their contract was not made null and void yet as their situation was covered under the basic insurance package they had, but they would need to make some necessary decisions before too long. The primary one was in regard to scrapping the whole thing and starting anew or trying to rescue what they could from the wreckage and go from there.

                Despite the fact it was their first ship together, it ended up being a fairly easy decision for Jinki and Kibum, once they had a chance to talk about it. “We should start over,” Kibum whispered into the pregnant silence.

                Jinki reached across the space separating them and grabbed Kibum’s hands in his own. “I think so too.”

                Kibum pursed his lips and frowned slightly. “You’re not against it?”

                “Not at all,” he laughed once, one side of his mouth quirking up. Kibum looked at him warily and a genuine smile bloomed on Jinki’s face. “You’re my captain. I have to go along with what you say anyway.”

                “Jinki,” he complained with a huff, shaking his head. “This is not the time to-”

                “It means I trust and support you, love,” Jinki interrupted before Kibum could get too worked up. “Given what happened, I think a fresh start is just what we need too.”

                Kibum wrinkled his nose at the explanation but nodded once. “Then just say that next time.” It was too much pressure to carry the full weight of the decision just because he was the ‘captain.’

                “Okay,” his boyfriend responded softly, patting Kibum’s hands in soothing comfort.

                So the Shine was fully scrapped to help compensate for the cost of starting over. It did mean they would have to renegotiate their contract with MTV+ and add the extraneous costs beyond what their insurance covered to it, but that was fine. As long as they could fly and resume their contract runs, it would work out in the end. Eventually.

                But there were other things to worry about as well, though. Like the apartment for one. Jinki was dead set on getting rid of it and Kibum was stubbornly resistant to the idea.

                “We can’t just stay at your parents’ house and it’s already paid for,” Kibum reminded his boyfriend with a frustrated glare.

                “Yes, but the last two times something major happened,” Jinki explained as he preemptively started to dig his heels in, “you… it became your prison.”

                Kibum flinched at the description. “It wasn’t my prison,” he grumbled into the silence, looking down since he was unable to meet Jinki’s eyes. And it wasn’t, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t locked himself inside.

                “I get that it’s financially a good thing,” Jinki agreed with a quick nod. “But… it’s not good- It’s not something-“ He stopped and started as he obviously searched for the words he wanted to say. “When things are good and we’re there together, it’s okay,” he admitted with a slight grimace. “But I just think…” he sighed, biting his bottom lip as he deliberated on his words. “I just think it has too many ghosts. For you,” he explained, looking down and then glancing up quickly.

                “Oh,” Kibum scoffed, one brow raising at the statement. “You don’t think I can take care of myself?” he asked archly, crossing his arms over his chest.

                Jinki frowned. “That’s not what I said.” Kibum’s expression darkened and Jinki gestured at him broadly. “You’re still recovering from last time. You and I both know it takes a toll on you when you stay there for long periods of time by yourself.”

                Kibum stiffened as he sat up straighter, a challenging gaze in his eyes. “Well, I’m not by myself anymore, am I?”

                “You know what I mean!” Jinki huffed in worried frustration. “I just think that, like with the Shine, we should get a new place for now. Or just turn it over to Eric,” he added with a vague wave of his hand. “He thinks it’s a good idea too.”

                “Hah!” Kibum barked a laugh and looked away. “So you’ve been talking to Eric about this behind my back then?” he demanded sharply.

                “It’s not like that,” he retorted, shaking his head.

                “I guess you both want me to give up my ship and my home and just start with nothing then, right?” he snapped, hands gesturing frantically in front of him.

                “Kibum!”

                “Fine. Go talk to Eric about it then. Obviously you don’t need my opinion about this one,” he practically shouted as he stood up to leave their shared room.

                “Kibum!” Jinki called, but he didn’t try to stop him.

                It was probably better he didn’t. Kibum was frustrated by the conversation but more angry with himself. Part of him knew that Jinki was only suggesting it because he was worried. Honestly, so was Kibum. But that didn’t make the reality any easier to accept. It was a topic he discussed with his doctor referred therapist for nearly three weeks before he came to a definite decision.

                Despite the fact that it was paid for, in order to continue healing and to not regress, Kibum needed to give it up. The good memories of his childhood were not enough to outweigh the other horrors that lived there. Horrors that struck when he was weakest and not able to fend them off. it was a bridge too far to sell it off completely but signing it over to Eric to manage was a compromise he could accept. For now anyway.

                And around the major decisions and rounds of physical therapy Kibum went to with Jinki and mental therapy Kibum had to tackle on his own, he had to figure out how to get a handle on the relationships he’d let languish while he wallowed in his own personal misery. In typical Moladhi fashion, Crawven held more of a grudge over the fact that Kibum hadn’t come to see him after the accident, other than that one visit in the hospital. But his was an easy fix: accept what had happened and move on. He was working for Psitassi’s company and was generally happy now, even if being a crewmate in the future was not on his list of things to do.

                “I wouldn’t be much good anymore,” he shrugged when they got together in person at last. “Don’t get me wrong. I can still kick your ,” he laughed, pointing one long finger in Kibum’s direction, the small feathers slightly shorter than they should have been. “But… I can’t get on a ship anymore,” he admitted with an embarrassed smile and a head tilt. “The last one didn’t go so well. Planet side,” he clarified, gesturing outwards towards where the dome would be if they weren’t inside.

                As for everyone else… they were a bit of a harder sell. Jinki’s family wasn’t happy about how he’d apparently abandoned Jinki after the accident. Oh, they were aware of the reality, but that didn’t free him from their resentful discontent. “I thought they were mad at me.” His memory told him they had been. Having seen the hospital video feed, his therapist assured him that was probably not the case. Jinki promised him it wasn’t.

                “They weren’t. They didn’t even blame you for the accident at the time. But…” he added with a hesitant cringe, “they did get mad at you when you kept avoiding me.”

                “Yeah…” Kibum sighed and shook his head. There was no getting around that.

                And Henry had left him plenty of vociferous voicemails during that time too. They’d never been on the best of terms but he wasn’t shy about laying it on a bit thick when Jinki had been in the hospital. Truth be told, and Kibum would never say it to Jinki himself, but Henry’s messages had not helped his mental state at all. His therapist had been privy to those conversations, and how to possibly handle things after the fact. Henry was one of Jinki’s best friends after all. An important part of his life. So it was equally important that Kibum make peace with him. Though that was obviously something that would take a while to fix.

                As for the rest of Kibum’s friends, they were more upset with him that he hadn’t reached out to them. Passeri had realized something was up but she hadn’t known how to approach it. And with her hands full with the twins, she’d been a little distracted. Jackson felt just as guilty for similar reasons. And Garum too for that matter, even though Kibum rarely visited the club anymore.

                For her part, Psitassi chided him from afar but left the door open for him to ask for help later if he needed or wanted. “I can’t work miracles yet but I’ve got a few strings I can pull,” she promised, an evident wink in her tone.

                Honestly, it was going to take months to get everything figured out and back to a semblance of normal. For the time being, they were allowed to stay at Jinki’s parents’ house. ‘Just until you can get back on your feet,’ Mrs. Lee had told them, her tone at odds with the statement. She would probably allow them to stay as long as they wanted to if Jinki asked her.

                And there was the whole matter of Kibum getting cleared to fly. Not to mention needing a crew since no one else was willing or able to go with them again, Jinki notwithstanding. Kibum wasn’t sure he would be able to choose a crew anyway, given what had happened to the previous one. He was grateful Jinki didn’t press him on it, but if they were going to pay off their ship, they’d need to have a crew to run contract deals. That was something they were just going to have to figure out eventually. But every now and then, the universe could be known to throw something unexpected into the mix.

                “Jinki! Kibum! You have a guest,” Mrs. Lee called up through the communication system. Their door was habitually shut but it was easy enough to reach them through the intercom.

                Kibum and Jinki exchanged curious looks. “Did you invite someone?” Kibum wondered with a confused blink.

                Jinki shook his head mutely and glanced towards the door. “I wonder who it could be.”

                Kibum shrugged in quiet agreement and stood up so they could head out together. They heard Jinki’s mother as they approached but the second voice was odd. Vaguely familiar yet not. Emerging from the hallway, they saw two figures speaking in front of the door, Mrs. Lee looking up as they arrived. Jinki and Kibum looked down. A smaller than usual Dawbn was there. They turned a simple smile on the duo as they arrived.

                “Jinki. Kibum. It’s been a while,” they confirmed with a small wave.

                Mrs. Lee looked between the three and tried to smother a smile. “I’ll leave you guys to it,” she murmured, waving down at the Dawbn with warm sincerity. “Thank you for coming by, Cyanite.”

                “The pleasure’s mine,” they responded as Mrs. Lee walked away.

                Kibum and Jinki looked at each other in confusion. “Cyanite?” Kibum whispered.

                “Cyan-ite?” Jinki echoed, emphasizing the last syllable.

                Cyanite crossed their arms over their chest and chuckled as they looked up. “As quick as ever, I see. Good to see you guys again. Though I guess it is for the first time, isn’t it?” they mused, tapping their finger on their bottom lip.

                “You’re…” Kibum started to say as he pointed at the Dawbn.

                “Ercite’s…” Jinki continued, mirroring his boyfriend.

                “Mmm… child you could say,” Cyanite responded simply, an amused smile on their rocky face as they looked between the two.

                Kibum made a small noise in the back of his throat as he covered his mouth with his hand and looked at Jinki with wide eyes.

                “Ercite’s child?” Jinki echoed, stepping close to wrap his arms around Kibum in a gentle hug.

                “Yes,” they nodded in response. “And they have something they wanted to tell you.”

 

(a/n: And thank you for being patient. I apologize again that this one took so long to get out. I ran into a major rut this past week/ weekend and had zero motivation for any creative endeavors. It was terrible. But I seem to have found my Muse, more or less. I'm hoping she'll work with me long enough to wrap things up before July so I can try to shift my focus to a NaNo project maybe. ;) We will see! But regardless, I do hope you've enjoyed the latest update. As always, if you have any questions or thoughts, I'm all ears! In the next, I do hope to elaborate on our missing members as seen in the oneshot. Wish me luck! haha)