Standing in the halls of the university on Monday morning, Kibum had to admit the whole situation was turning out better than he thought it would. He still marveled that the sky hadn’t fallen and the ground hadn’t opened up to swallow him whole. He blinked in surprise as another student waved and congratulated him on his performance over the weekend before passing by.

                “Looks like you might have another fan,” Jinki teased gently, a seemingly permanent smile tugging at his lips.

                “Oh, shut it,” Kibum snorted with a dismissive wave and a raised brow. Jinki was enjoying this entirely too much. Kibum had fully expected to have a far more severe reaction to his arrival on campus – either being swarmed or wholly ignored, but neither had happened. Having Jinki next to him might have helped with that, but life seemed… normal for all intents and purposes. Minus the additional waves he was getting, now that his identity was known.

               “You’re practically a low-key celebrity now,” Henry laughed at lunch, his mouth full of grinning teeth as he glanced around to take note of all the surreptitious looks that were being sent their direction.

                “You can thank Psitassi for that,” Ercite barked a laugh, gesturing towards the approaching Moladhi. The Dawbn pitched their voice to make sure it would carry, “She got special permission from Garum to take pictures so she could post it on the fan page for the school.”

                “I did!” said Moladhi preened as she immediately knelt beside Kibum, completely oblivious to his surprised shock. It disappeared quickly when she looked at him, profoundly proud of herself as she pulled up the pictures she had taken for him to see. “Didn’t they turn out so good!?” Her voice slid between tones excitedly, showing just how delighted she was.

                Kibum had to gather himself quickly before he could force a response. Performing in the public sphere was one thing. Having pictures of him floating around the datasphere, albeit as Almighty Key, was not something he’d planned on happening. He was ready to say as much until he actually got a look at the pictures in question. “Oh,” he exclaimed in thoughtful appreciation, brow furrowing as he finally got a glimpse of himself on the stage. He’d only ever seen himself in the mirror when preparing, a dolled-up creature ready for the show, but this…

                “Careful. We wouldn’t want you to turn into Narcissus,” Henry teased when Kibum lost track of the time. “Hey!” he yelped as Larad swatted him on the head lightly.

                “As a Varium, that,” he stated with a definitive nod towards the picture, “is art and good art is worthy of being stared at.”

                “Isn’t it?!” Psitassi grinned, an instant bond of camaraderie forming between her and the Varium. “I could stare at it all day,” she sighed with a blissful expression on her face.

                That at least was something Kibum could work with and he laughed once. “That’s a little creepy, Psitassi.”

                She took it in stride and teased back, “I never said I would look at you all day.” Her wink cemented it as a playful jab and brought a laugh from the table.

                “Fair enough,” he surrendered with raised hands. “Jackson and Passeri are well worth admiring too.”

                It was enough to turn the tide of the conversation and into more comfortable territory, but it gave Kibum plenty to think on. He would not argue he looked bold, y… beautiful. But next to Jackson, another Terran male, he looked almost wan in comparison. Striking but almost fragile. Shadows played harshly on his all too prominent angles and he felt an immediate love-hate relationship towards the image. He wasn’t sure what to do with that feeling exactly.

                He didn’t have too much time to fixate on it though. The next morning, he went to one of Siwoo’s practices at the community center. Bleary eyed and still half-asleep, he woke up immediately when he realized Jinki was wearing a body suit much like a standard low grav gymnast would wear. He always said he was a stickler for solidarity… It wasn’t like Kibum was intentionally looking at the other man, but it was hard to miss the surprisingly toned physique typically hidden beneath layers of casual clothes.

                They both would have noticed him staring if they weren’t quite so focused on their practice efforts. As a low grav gymnast, Siwoo could practically fly over the floor with her flips and twirls and vaulting jumps, especially with Jinki helping her. Kibum wouldn’t have said she was at a professional level, but she certainly took after Hajoon in her dedication and fierce determination.

                Winded but satisfied, she approached Kibum with Jinki at her side and took a drink of water before she spoke to him. “Have you ever tried?” she asked, wiping at her sweaty brow with the back of her wrist before she nodded towards the floor, another participant already taking the empty space.

                “Can’t say that I have,” he admitted with a helpless shrug, glancing at Jinki.

                She grinned and nodded once. “You’ll have to give it a shot next time then. He doesn’t really look it,” she started to say, a teasing smirk pulling at the corner of , “but Jinki’s a pretty good spotter.”

                “Brat,” he chided with a laugh and a gentle tap on her head.

                “What?” she snorted, mildly affronted. “You are. And he’d probably be pretty good,” she added with a gesture at the still seated Kibum. For his part, it was likely better that he kept his mouth shut and work on not flushing at the thought.

                It was an even greater challenge when Jinki agreed. “He probably would be.” Kibum chose to look at the practice floor again because it was easier, but he could see Jinki looking at him in his periphery, soft certainty etched into his features. Not for the first time, he wondered why Jinki seemed to have such faith in him.

                Kibum didn’t work that evening but he did on the following day, heading out after one of Hajoon’s practices. Despite his fan club and his persona’s reveal, work itself didn’t change in any life-altering manner either. He was still Almighty Key, but Garum decided to capitalize on Kibum’s new following and encouraged him to try changing things up if he wanted to.

                “It was going to happen sooner or later so you might as well run with it,” the towering Varium explained, sitting on a stool in the main area but still far taller than Kibum. “Besides, we still have two other part-timers who can fill in that role and maybe you can develop a new attraction,” he explained, clapping a slender shoulder with one intimidatingly large hand.

                Kibum frowned at the suggestion but didn’t say no. Passeri came over and hugged him from behind, perching her beaked chin on the top of his head as she sometimes did. “You have a literal fan club now, chicklet. I’ll have you know, you can probably do no wrong in their eyes,” she promised, giving a low and supportive croon that vibrated gently against his back.

                “Exactly!” Jackson agreed, coming close to nudge Kibum in the side with a careful elbow. “Just don’t try to upstage these guns,” he laughed, stepping back to flex intentionally and show off his impressive arms.

                Kibum snorted and rolled his eyes but didn’t comment. Garum, however, held no such reservations. “You call those guns?” he chuckled, crossing his much larger and more defined arms over his chest.

                “You don’t count,” Jackson scoffed, deflating anyway with a mild grimace.

                “It’s probably best that we’re not all muscle heads,” Passeri giggled, letting her arms tighten a touch around Kibum. He wished he could have taken a picture of their shocked faces when they looked at her in tandem, both speechless. “Come on, love. Let’s go get ready,” she urged with a playful laugh, pulling Kibum along and leaving Garum and Jackson to recover on their own. “Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” she promised, shifting to hook her arm through his and hold him close so they could walk side by side.

                “Maybe,” he conceded with a nod, smiling as another thought occurred to him. “It doesn’t hurt that Crawven and company probably have to eat crow every time they hear someone talk about it.”

                “Oh! An avian insult. I’m mildly offended but I like it,” the Moladhi laughed, squeezing his arm harder in approval.

                 He wasn’t averse to the idea of shaking things up and trying something new, but he honestly didn’t know what to do… He was used to being Almighty Key. If he wasn’t them, who was he? He didn’t have an answer, but it did help that Jinki was wholly supportive.

                He was tired after a long day and one of Doyun’s practices but had insisted on staying until Kibum was finished. “Just do what makes you happy,” he encouraged while helping with the cleanup after the show. Even though he had to have been running on empty, he conjured a brilliant smile for Kibum, his brown eyes lighting up with excitement for him.

                “I’ll try,” he promised in response, though he had no idea what that meant exactly. He thought performing made him happy. Or at least it had. But what else made him happy…? For most of his first year at the university, he’d been surviving, like he had through high school. Yes, he slept in his apartment, but most every extra moment was spent outside of it. Doing what? Making money and studying to fulfill his goal of becoming a starship captain. He socialized of course, but not for fun or friends. That was just the best way of getting information to make sure you were always one step ahead.

                Passeri and Jackson were different. He would consider them friends at least. Work friends but friends all the same. Most recently… there was Jinki. If he was honest with himself, Jinki made him happy. But it was probably just because he fed him and helped him more often than not. That had to be it. Even so, it was nice knowing someone had his back as opposed to finding ways to stab it.

                Happiness had never really been a part of the equation. It was so easy to lose or have it taken away. But Kibum wanted to be happy. It was exhausting feeling like the world was always out to get you or would fail you entirely if you put too much faith and trust in it. Maybe though, he could try. At least a little bit.

                It didn’t change things overnight. He still felt like he needed to be on his guard, but Kibum started to notice some of the tension he always carried with him wasn’t so bad anymore. Like he could take a breath and not worry about needing to brace for the next hurdle that came at him.

                And though he still didn’t have much money for anything extra, Jinki and company always managed to make sure he had enough to eat. A tiny part of Kibum was bothered by this fact, as he had almost no way of repaying, well, any of them. But whenever he tried to mention it, someone made a fuss and yanked the conversation in a different direction.

                “How are you supposed to study effectively and remember anything if you don’t have energy to think?” he chided, shoving another piece of food in Kibum’s direction. “Did you finish the homework from yesterday’s classes yet?”

                “Yes,” he grumbled back, taking the food reluctantly but still glaring at Jinki.

                “You do know that paying friends back isn’t like taking an eye for an eye, right?” Ercite asked, leaning forward to better see Kibum’s face.

                He frowned at their question with a frustrated sigh, but Larad leaned close and whispered, “What does that one mean?”

                Ercite glanced up with craggy brows slightly raised. “You know. When someone takes your eye so you take one of theirs?”

                “No. That is not a friend exchange,” he agreed with a shake of his head. It turned into a nod when he looked at Kibum again as if to agree with Ercite.

                Jinki laughed once and patted Kibum on the back. “If you must repay me, then pass your classes. Okay?” he grinned, unobtrusively pushing his tray closer to the first year just in case.

                When faced with such group resistance, there wasn’t much else Kibum could do. Short of being a total jerk about the whole thing, upholding his side of the deal seemed to be the best option. Well, that and perhaps join another practice or two during the week, though that wasn’t entirely altruistic in nature. Jinki wasn’t unpleasant to look at, and in a body suit with sweat making his hair stick to his forehead and his skin glisten…

                Kibum didn’t get much opportunity to just look at Jinki when they studied. With the semester more than halfway over, they’d started shifting to more group sessions with Henry, Larad, and Ercite, and they were quick to call him out if his attention “drifted” for too long. Especially Henry. If he didn’t know better, he’d say the other man was jealous. On the contrary, he was almost certain Henry acted like he did so that Jinki could save Kibum from his antics. Furthermore, even when he was rescuing Kibum, Jinki himself chided him for his ‘distraction’ all too quickly, especially when they were studying alone. And he was a lovely distraction, but… that was also part of the newest problem Kibum was beginning to wrestle with.

                Attraction had never been part of the plan either. He knew the signs enough to know that he actually liked Jinki for more than the food and help he always gave him. That wasn’t something that was supposed to happen. Friendship, sure. You could stop and start a new one every day if you really tried. But anything closer than that meant really letting someone in. Trusting someone enough to know they wouldn’t intentionally hurt you no matter what. And he remembered seeing how that worked up close enough to know he didn’t want it.

                His greatest concession to admitting how he felt was letting Jinki know what hover hub he used to get to and from his apartment so the other man could meet him there if he really wanted to. The more fool he was when Jinki did when his already busy schedule allowed. And despite Kibum’s best efforts, it was always Jinki carefully chipping away at his walls with gentle nudges and persistently soft questions.

                “I can walk you the rest of the way home if you’d like.”

                “You’re doing well in all your other classes, but we’re going to have to figure out something for Terran biology. You know you can tell me if there’s a reason this is so challenging for you.”

                “You’re welcome to join us for supper if you have time. Daejung has been saying he’d like a rematch.”

                “Study hard!” “You can do it!” “You’re amazing!” Okay, so maybe the last was talking about his performances on stage, but still. It was all the little things together that made him feel valued, cared for… wanted, and not in any of the ways he was accustomed to being seen. And it wasn’t just Jinki. It was annoying Henry, unflappable Ercite, understanding Larad, constantly curious Psitassi, and even a growing number of people around them. An expanding web of trembling threads he was afraid might snap at any moment but there all the same.

                With finals approaching and all of his subjects mostly ready except for Terran biology, Kibum knew he had to do something different to make it work somehow. He did not want to disappoint Jinki in this. Or himself if he was being honest. But they’d tried everything Jinki knew to make it bearable, tolerable and nothing had changed for Kibum.

                Staring at the digitext in a tucked away corner of the library, he sighed. Jinki had class so he was alone with his thoughts for the moment. He could have gotten up with any of their circle, or contacted Psitassi for some kind of company, but he didn’t want it right now. He rested his chin in one palm while the other tapped at the edge of the tablet slowly. Even without scrolling through the pages, he could recite pretty much every topic of the book without fail. And he knew all the separate pieces by heart. General anatomy? Check! The various systems in the body? Check! What each part and each system was for? Check!

                If he only had to regurgitate this, he’d be fine, but the test would cover how everything worked together and why and how sometimes, things didn’t work and why. And that was where everything fell apart for him. There was something connected to that idea that his mind shied away from; that he didn’t want to remember or understand. Every time he tried or Jinki asked about it in reference to Terran biology, he shut down or found something else to focus on. He was almost certain it had something to do with his mother, but…

                Kibum winced and closed his eyes, pushing the digitext away. “Breathe,” he reminded himself, clenching his hands tight. His heart raced as if his body remembered something his mind didn’t and he forced several breaths in and out of his lungs before he opened his eyes again. “Okay,” he whispered, reaching slender trembling fingers towards the digitext. He pulled it closer with an audible swallow and looked down at the current page. The letters blurred together the longer he stared before he shoved it away in disgust and… fear.

                He was afraid to remember. Afraid of what he would feel if and when he did. Memories of his father generated anger more than anything but his mother… was far more complicated. And he didn’t want to open that door. Kibum leaned forward and laid his head on the table, clenching his eyes shut tight. It was easier to forget; to avoid whatever it was he didn’t want to face.

                But that was also the coward’s way. It was not how a captain would act. And though Jinki might forgive him this fear, Kibum did not think the other man would accept such fear in himself. “Jinki,” he whispered, slowly forcing his eyes open so he could lift his head and stare at the digitext once more. He had helped him so much already. How could Kibum ask him to try and help once more? But if not him, who else could he ask? Doctors?

                Nope. His gut twisted as his mind shied away from that possibility immediately. He’d forgotten his aversion to them. He liked Passeri but she was too… motherly, if that made any sense. And Jackson didn’t seem like he’d understand enough if Kibum tried. The rest of their group were alright: Henry, Larad, Ercite… but he just didn’t trust them in the same way. Certainly not Psitassi. She was a sweetheart but he wasn’t sure he knew a bigger gossip.

                “Ugh,” he groaned, resting his head on the table again. “I guess it’s Jinki or bust…”

                Of course, it wasn’t like making an active decision made it any easier to ask about. It simply added to the stress of any normal week, sitting on his shoulders or weighing him down like this oppressive burden he couldn’t shake but didn’t know how to share. Throughout the week, he looked and waited for an opportunity to ask but panicked when a moment came and shut down, pretending nothing was wrong.

                It couldn’t be on Wednesday – Jinki had to go home to prepare supper and Kibum had class anyway. Couldn’t be Thursday – Doyun had practice and Jinki was always tired after that. Couldn’t be Friday – Kibum had to work. Saturday too for that matter. In the evening but still… And it couldn’t be on any night that Kibum worked. Realistically, he knew he could have asked on any day and that the only feasible day for them to really talk would be Sunday, but in actuality, making the ask was not so simple for him.

                Kibum knew he could just send a message. He didn’t have to ask in person, which was impossibly difficult for him. It should have been easy. But it wasn’t. Every time he tried, his gut twisted into a nervous ball of snarling tension and his fingers froze over the message pad. Even trying to use a voice option failed since the words simply would not come out. And the distracted stalemate with himself started to bleed over into his regular interactions.

                “You okay?” Henry asked at lunch on Wednesday, wincing with a small cry when Jinki stepped on his foot under the table.

                Kibum forced a laugh that rang hollow, even in his ears. “Yeah. Just a little distracted,” he waved off, looking down immediately.

                On Thursday, Henry held his tongue but Larad didn’t. “You look pale today. Are you feeling well?”

                “Huh?” Kibum blinked in surprise, looking around with a sudden inability to focus. He closed his eyes and rubbed at the bridge of his nose to buy himself time. “Sorry. Didn’t sleep well last night,” he explained, brushing off the Varium’s concern quickly. “Long night.”

                Friday came and went with their normal chatter but Ercite kept giving him curious glances while Larad practically stared, a concentrating frown etched into his forehead as if that would somehow help him discover what the problem was. And any time Henry opened his mouth to try and ask, Jinki stuffed a piece of food in it or grabbed the conversation and kept it carefully away from Kibum. Kibum loved and hated that fact. It was a relief not to have to worry about finding an answer that wouldn’t sound hollow or fake because galaxies knew he wasn’t going to be able to tell them the truth. Not when he didn’t even know it himself.

                But he hated the fact he needed it. Hated that he was afraid of this horrible thing just sitting inside him, making him feel small and childish and angry. That ruined his focus even when he wasn’t vibrating with tension amongst his friends because even when he wasn’t around them, the fear of what would happen after was terrifying in a way he could hardly understand. It made no sense and yet, he couldn’t shake it.

                What if Jinki thought him stupid for it? What if he decided Kibum was just weak for not coming to terms and figuring it out on his own? What if it did something to make him leave in disgust? Okay, the last one seemed far-fetched, even for Kibum, but the not knowing was going to kill him long before anything else did, he was sure.

                At last though, Kibum found an opening to ask on Friday night when they communicated by voice chat. Traditionally, they went to Jinki’s house on Saturdays and barricaded themselves in his father’s study. It was really the only defense they had to give them peace from the rest of his siblings. Sunday was typically used for any other obligations Jinki had to take care of and was more of a rest day for Kibum after his long evening shift. His weekend performance nights ran longer than usual after all.

                “Same as usual?” The voice on the call was so carefree and warm, like golden honey in a warm cup of tea.

                Kibum took a shallow breath, his stomach knotting again. “Actually…” he exhaled, voice trembling in a traitorous manner. He stopped talking immediately, grimacing at the slip.

                “Kibum?” was the quick response, Jinki’s tone changing to slight concern. “Are you-”

                He absolutely could not let Jinki finish that question, it would only make the tremors in his voice worse, so he blurted in one burst of rapid words, “Can you come over on Sunday!?” Silence hung in the air for a split second too long and Kibum automatically started to panic. Had he said something wrong? What did he say? Why wasn’t he answering? Why-?

                “Yeah.” It was a simple word that immediately halted all the questions in Kibum’s mind so fast in nearly gave him whiplash. “And just to be sure, you did just invite me to your place on Sunday, right?” he asked with a careful laugh. Kibum could practically picture the corner of Jinki’s mouth pulled up on one side and his eyes partially closed.

                “Mm.” Oh how he wished he could be more eloquent in that moment, but it was a victory for Kibum all the same. The simple sound of confirmation that brought a delighted and relieved laugh from the other end.

                “Good. You spoke so fast, I wasn’t entirely sure I’d heard correctly. If that’s what you want, of course,” he promised, all sincerity and subdued happiness. Why was he so happy?

                “Mm.” Again, it was the best Kibum could do, almost like giving any more words would somehow steal his ability to respond at all.

                “Okay. I have to move my schedule around a bit but no problem. I’ll make it work.” His voice was normal. So frustratingly normal. “Did you have a time in mind…?” he asked, trailing off with some hesitation at last.

                Kibum took a breath, still stuck on the fact that he’d said yes so easily. He couldn’t take it back now. He could not show him, not tell him anything… but he’d finally gotten the question out. Now he had to answer something and his brain just wasn’t working. What even was the meaning of time? “Uh…” he exhaled instead, a reflex sound more than anything else.

                Abruptly, he felt a shift on the other end, as if Jinki suddenly realized something. “Why don’t we just stick to our usual time? Keep things simple,” he explained, an easy smile obvious in his voice.

                “O-Okay,” Kibum stammered back, flushing at his sheer inability to talk. “Sunday.” He took a quick breath and forced an air of calmness to settle into his voice. “At our usual time.”

                He was almost certain Jinki could hear the change as well. “Great. I’ll see you Sunday at the hover hub then.”

                “See you.” For a brief moment, he wanted to add ‘then’ but the word got trapped behind his teeth and then it was too late.

                “Have a good night.”

                Even with the abrupt farewell, Jinki’s tone was light and cheerful. Kibum almost wished he would have sounded a little more annoyed. He knew he wasn’t responding in any way that a decent person would and some sort of frustration would feel justified or deserved. As it was, he just felt… lost and adrift. Part of him had hoped that making the decision would make things easier. No. It just muddied the waters even more. At least it was only a day away though. He could focus on homework tomorrow morning - lingering in the park, and then work in the evening and sleep through a fair chunk of the day after that. He wouldn’t have breakfast but that would be okay. He’d gone without for far longer.

                Saturday came and went with Jinki’s habitual morning and evening messages. Psitassi sent him a link about an article she was working on to highlight his workplace, asking him if it would be alright to send it to the local media center. She had connections enough to make it happen and it would obviously help the establishment with clients. Maybe Passeri had been talking to her about it. That was the only reasonable explanation for why she was asking him, of all people.

                Sure.

                It wasn’t a difficult answer. Now that his secret was out and he could perform as he liked, the fear of losing something he loved was gone. The freedom to perform had simply transformed into a freedom to express himself, even if he did mostly play second fiddle. Though some nights Passeri allowed him and Jackson to take turns on center stage. It was nice.

                Saturday night was not one such evening but that was probably a good thing. Kibum put his all into performing, as he usually did, but he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to really respect it if he’d been given the limelight. Maybe Passeri could tell, but neither she nor Jackson said anything. They did their performance and walked him home as usual. Jinki hadn’t been able to come but Kibum had seen several schoolmates in the crowds. They’d likely be talking about it at school on Monday. Some students always were, but it was just like any weekend activity, like going to the movies or a game or something of the sort. There were no more hecklers to worry about either. Garum had made sure of that, and the guests in turn did wonders with policing each other.

                All that was left now was to go to sleep and wake up on Sunday to face the reality of what he’d decided to come to terms with. Hopefully anyway.

 

(a/n: Apologies for the delay in updating. This chapter has been finished for a while actually, but I really needed to go back and do a rewrite because in the original rendition, I did far more telling rather than showing and it came out as very hollow. The next update is mostly finished as well but suffers from the same issue. I shall try to get it fixed as soon as possible so please look forward to another update in the very near future. Thank you for your patience and I do hope you continue to enjoy the story!)