Another break. Another set of classes and schedules to get sorted. And changes on the horizon. All were positive things, especially in terms of progress and the future, but none of them made Jinki feel particularly settled or assured of his own future. He was very much still enamored with Kibum and his friends were another constant in his life that he could fortunately count on, but… he couldn’t help feeling at least a little uneasy. About a variety of things in fact.

                It did bother Jinki a little bit that, for all of Kibum’s bravado, he had no set plan for actually making his dream a reality. His fly by the seat of his pants and get by on sheer grit and determination approach to this endeavor did not sit particularly well with Jinki. Get a ship, yes, but that took money and none of them had all that much. He himself was making headway with finding salvageable parts from his father’s forays and his mom was a deft hand at helping him get the best pieces of salvage in working order, but it was a drop in the bucket overall. They had a long way to go with making that dream a reality.

                Furthermore, he was not exactly unsettled by it, but having Hajoon leave for the break to go through pre-season training in Niichi made him nervous. It was not unlike a parent seeing their child go for the first time. He figured she’d be fine, but he’d spent so much time helping her grow up and develop into the person she was becoming that it felt strange she didn’t need him anymore. Not that she’d ever really needed him, but it felt like it sometimes. Of course he still had Doyun and Siwoo and Daejung, but Hajoon had always been closest to his heart, annoying brat that she could be.

                “I’ll just be a call or a message away,” she promised him as they stood together at the transport ship platform. Since she was going to a different dome, she had to catch a jump ship that would take her from Yonichi to Niichi since land travel was still questionable. There were vehicles that made the trek but they were relatively slow contraptions and occasionally prone to breaking down in the yet to be fully terraformed landscape. It would be fine closer to Iichi, the first dome, where seeding technology had already started to convert the terrain from craggy hard planes to mossy fields, but for now… this was best.

                “I feel like we should be more upset than you are,” Mrs. Kim laughed, coming close to hug Jinki around the shoulders with one arm.

                He sighed heavily and nodded in agreement. “I know. And I know you’ll do great,” he added, forcing a happiness he didn’t truly feel. “But make sure to call me if you do need help or if someone is bullying or for anything really,” he added with an embarrassed shrug as he looked down.

                “I think he’s going to miss you,” Mr. Kim chuckled with a look at Hajoon before he nodded towards his eldest son.

                Hajoon exhaled loudly with a breathy laugh. “Ugh. I’m gonna miss you too, Jinki,” she promised, coming close to hug him hard, swaying lightly from side to side as she did so.

                “Group hug!” Doyun announced, immediately joining the fray.

                “Agh!” Hajoon and Jinki groaned in false complaint as everyone else crowded in.

                Even with the positive send off, it was still hard to watch his first younger sister leave. He knew she’d be great with whatever she chose to do. There was no doubt. But things would certainly be different without his sometimes partner in crime around…

                And really, all of that was a smokescreen for his other niggling concern: Kibum. Now that they’d been together for over a year and, as far as he knew, they’d gotten serious, he was beginning to see how Kibum really blossom. It was wonderful and amazing and he was happy to see it for sure. Compared to the young man he’d first met, they were almost like two very different people. But for all, it also began to feel like Kibum didn’t really need him as much.

                They still communicated and met up fairly often. They still cuddled and shared the same space and bed on various occasions. But when he wasn’t with Jinki, Kibum was spending more time with other people again. He was taking part in university life and, on occasion, participating more in the few practices that Jinki did go to with Doyun and Siwoo. On the one hand, he knew it was supposed to be a good thing. It was healthy after all.

                But what if Kibum didn’t need Jinki anymore?

                Such questions and thoughts rose up at unexpected moments and made… jealous and worried. One good example was when Kibum was sitting a little too close to another Terran during one of their university gatherings before the school year started. “You good?” he asked the Varium he was currently helping in the library, making sure they confirmed before he turned his attention to his boyfriend. “Kibum,” he called quietly, keeping his voice low but pitched enough to carry.

                “Huh?” he responded, surprised enough to look up with wide eyes. “Yeah?”

                “Can you come here for a second?” he asked, giving a quick smile to both him and the Terran next to him.

                “Sure,” he agreed without hesitation. “Be right back,” he promised with a flashed grin that prompted a dark flicker of something unpleasant to stir in Jinki.

                He squashed it down as hard as he could before the other man got close though. “Hey babe,” he greeted, reaching out to catch Kibum’s hand in his when he got close enough.

                “What’s up?” Kibum responded, falling into the chair next to him and sliding over to him with natural ease.

                Jinki shrugged. Now that he was here, the sensation was gone and he had no real reason for calling him, but he needed to say something. “Is he helping you? You helping him? Wanna switch?” he asked for lack of anything else to say.

                Kibum shook his head lightly, a gentle smile on his lips. “We’re good. Mihael will be in one of my non-Terran cultural education classes next semester. Might be a good study partner,” he nodded with furrowed brows, obviously pensive about the other man.

                “I thought I was your study partner?” Jinki mumbled, the words slipping free before he could catch himself.

                “You are,” Kibum responded immediately, reaching out to place a hand on Jinki’s knee. “The best,” he winked, though his expression turned pensive. “You okay? Do you not want me to be his study partner?” he wondered, turning his head to the side slightly.

                Immediately, Jinki waved a hand in denial and he shook his head. “No. Go right ahead. I mean we’ll have different schedules this year anyway and yeah. And I know the guys will also be busy with their respective courses. It’d be good to have another study partner to help you. Especially if you’re in the same class,” he babbled, feeling like he was putting one foot after another into his mouth.

                Kibum didn’t seem immediately convinced, his eyes narrowing as he continued to look at his boyfriend. “Are you sure you’re okay?” His brows rose as a thought apparently occurred to him and he asked, “You’re not jealous, are you?”

                “What? No,” Jinki immediately denied with another wave of his hand and a forced laugh that felt anything but genuine. “It’s nothing like that,” he went on, a fake smile plastered on his face.

                “I think you are,” Kibum responded with a smile, giving his knee another squeeze.

                “I’m not,” Jinki denied again, flustered and embarrassed.

                “Babe. You’ve got nothing to worry about,” he reassured quickly, leaning close to place a warm kiss on Jinki’s lips. “I promise,” he added, eyes smiling to match the expression on his lips.

                “But-” he started to say, stopping when he didn’t know what else to add.

                “Hey. We can talk about this later, alright?” Kibum encouraged, taking a quick look around at the various people in the library. “You’ve got plenty of people to help, it seems. I won’t take up more of your time, but seriously. Later,” he stated firmly with a finger pointing in Jinki’s face.

                “Okay,” he exhaled, not really ready to give up the contact, but Kibum was already standing up and pulling away. On impulse, he grabbed harder to Kibum’s hand so the other man had to stop and look back. His eyebrows rose in silent inquiry as he glanced between their hands and Jinki’s face. “Happy studying,” he forced himself to say, another plastic smile on his face.

                “You too,” Kibum responded, squeezing Jinki’s hand again before gently breaking the contact.

                Jinki didn’t miss the way that Kibum took a seat on the other side of the table when he went to sit back down though. Ugh… He hated feeling like this. As subtly as he could, he rubbed at his chest with one hand and then turned to see who else needed some extra help.

                They did talk later, but it wasn’t as productive as it could have been. Especially when Jinki admitted that maybe he could be a little bit jealous and Kibum responded by saying, “Thank goodness. I was beginning to think you might have actually been perfect.”

                It was a light and humorous comment, meant to make him smile. And Jinki did in the moment because it was expected, but it brought him no relief. Quite the opposite in fact. If Kibum didn’t think he was perfect, did that mean Jinki wasn’t good enough?

                The rest of their break didn’t change much from the previous one. Everyone returned to their respective part-time jobs, though Jinki joined his father when he could to help look for parts. Kibum spent more time at The Stars Aligned, and in Jinki’s lap or as close to him as possible whenever he managed to come by to visit. For his part, Jinki took every moment he could get, trying to hold Kibum as if doing so would somehow make it more likely he’d remain interested and stay. Kibum never seemed to mind though, so he figured he was doing something right.

                Ercite was trying to track down leads on affordable hulls and hardware for a ship using their connections in administration. They were making some headway but it was still a struggle. Larad asked through the grapevine to see if anything might come to light and he had a couple leads to follow up on, but nothing definite yet. It wasn’t like they had to have anything immediately but it wouldn’t hurt to have something lined up if possible.

                And Henry mostly chatted up the fan club and Psitassi as a result. Part of that could have been because he was also starting to get closer to a female Terran in Kibum’s fan club as well, but you never knew with him. Interestingly enough, Psitassi started spending more time around Crawven and going to the heart of the city. She was quiet about what she was doing, but there was a new authority about her that suited the Moladhi quite well.

                Despite Jinki’s occasional jealous and overly worried moments, things seemed to be going well. Almost too well. Maybe that was why, just before the semester started again, Henry pulled Jinki off to the side to speak with him in private. “Jinki. You are a great guy, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you might want to tone it down a little bit when it comes to Kibum.”

                Jinki blanched and he cringed, the worst thoughts immediately coming to mind as a momentary burst of panic blossomed in his chest. “Why? Has he said something? Did I do something to offend him?” he worried, biting his bottom lip nervously.

                “See? This is what I mean,” Henry exhaled, tilting his head to the side and just looking at his long-time friend.

                “What?” he asked, only partially playing dumb.

                “Okay. You’re good about it when it’s just us, but… you’re apparently starting to hover and get clingy. A lot. Especially in public when you guys are together,” he explained carefully, trying not to come off too harsh.

                Jinki shook his head in confusion and blinked several times. Hovering? Getting clingy? “I-” he opened his mouth to deny but stopped himself. If Henry was saying something now, it was not without cause. But thinking over his time with Kibum, he didn’t see any of their encounters as him hovering. It was true that he spent a lot of time watching Kibum when he wasn’t otherwise engaged. And they did interact together a lot, but did that count as hovering and being clingy? He grimaced and exhaled, “I’m gonna need a bit more than that.”

                Henry shared his expression for a second and then shook his head. “There is such a thing as breathing room when you’re with another person,” he reminded carefully, moving his hands apart to give a visualization of what he meant.

                “But Kibum likes close physical contact,” he explained, knowing that to be a fact. He’d never heard his boyfriend complain about it either. And Kibum was often the one initiating contact in the first place.

                “Yeah,” Henry agreed with an exaggerated nod. “That’s true. And Lorielle says he thinks the jealousy thing is cute most of the time, but… you’re getting close to smothering territory.”

                “Lorielle?” Jinki asked, one brow raised as the potentially questionable source.

                “We can talk about her later,” Henry waved the question off, holding up a finger in front of his Jinki’s face. “Focus,” he clapped, making sure his friend was paying attention. “All I’m saying is maybe don’t try so hard. I just don’t want to see you hurt again,” he hedged, wincing preemptively.

                Jinki frowned at the explanation. He couldn’t deny he went above and beyond for most of his romantic partners. And most of the time, his friends had little enough to say to him to curtail any of his behaviors, other than the occasional complaint to work less and sleep more and take some bloody time for himself every now and then. But when it came to relationships… “But Kibum hasn’t said anything to me,” he reasoned, shaking his head uncertainly.

                “Of course he hasn’t,” Henry sighed with a rough laugh. He gestured with both hands at all of Jinki and explained, “You’re literally his savior.”

                “Has he said that?” Jinki asked, confused. He’d never heard that tidbit either.

                “Not directly, but in so many words,” Henry explained as he looked away to avoid direct eye contact. “I mean, think about how you guys first met and everything that’s happened since then,” he added with a shrug as if he was pointing out the obvious.

                Feeling unsettled and slightly helpless, Jinki sighed and fidgeted in place. “I just… don’t want him to think that I’m… not enough. You know?” he admitted, staring at his fingers as he picked at a nail absentmindedly.

                “Considering the whole savior thing…” Henry trailed off with one hand floating in front like it was self-explanatory. When Jinki just looked at him pitifully, Henry sighed and reached out to clap him on the shoulder with a firm hand. “Have you tried talking to him about this?” he asked, taking another obvious breath.

                “Yes,” he nodded without looking up. They had, but only half-heartedly.

                Henry’s scoff told Jinki the other man knew he wasn’t saying the whole truth. “You’ve talked about this issue specifically?” he narrowed the topic down and waited.

                “Sort of?” Jinki hedged with a shrug. Kibum didn’t really ask about his previous relationships and when he did, it seemed to be enough when he said that, ‘Things just didn’t work out between us.’ Technically true but certainly not the whole story. He personally didn’t like getting into the details.

                “Jinki…” he warned as only a best friend could.

                “Fine. We talked about how I might be getting jealous sometimes,” he grumbled before letting his shoulders slump and his head hang low. He hated admitting to that. It felt so petty and childish.

                “Ugh.” Henry’s sigh was heavy as he smoothed his hair. “To be fair, you’re not a bad jealous boyfriend from what I’ve seen and heard.” Jinki’s glare was not particularly a happy one. “You’re not. I just don’t want you to accidentally ruin a good thing again,” he explained, gesturing with both hands to either side of him.

                Jinki chewed on his bottom lip as that ‘again’ struck him unexpectedly. “Do you think I ruined my previous relationships?”

                “No!” he answered too quickly. But when Jinki kept looking at him, Henry wrinkled his nose and admitted, “Maybe a little bit with the last one. Possibly two,” he added as a quick aside, waving his hand like it was no big deal. “But if you ask me, I still think they were going to leave anyway. Ungrateful cretins,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest in frustration.

                Well that was a lot to take in all of a sudden as the first he was hearing about it, as far as he knew. Did Larad and Ercite think the same thing? Taking a deep breath, Jinki looked down and rubbed at his forehead with his fingers, warding off the onset of a headache. “Anything else I should know?” he wondered, a hint of bitterness on his tongue.

                “We still think you shouldn’t work so hard and take more time for yourself,” Henry shot back without hesitation, attempting to inject a spot of levity into the conversation.

                “About… Kibum,” he admitted with an uncertain sigh.

                “You should probably ask him yourself,” Henry responded with a quick shrug.

                Jinki looked up with a perturbed expression. “You said he wouldn’t tell me anyway.”

                “I said he wouldn’t tell you first, yes. That doesn’t mean he won’t answer if you ask him,” he tossed back matter-of-factly. “And if he does that thing he does when he’s trying not to answer directly and avoids the subject… well, you have your answer there too.”

                “Henry,” he groaned plaintively.

                “What? I’m just trying to keep my best friend happy, healthy, and informed. Kibum’s fan club likes you, but they’re observant and some of them have maybe been getting a teensy bit worried,” he explained with a shrug.

                “Worried?” Jinki flinched, a confused expression on his face. “About what?”

                Henry’s surprised look told Jinki he hadn’t actually meant to say that particular word. He forced a laugh and waved both hands in Jinki’s direction. “It’s nothing. Just the hovering and clingy thing,” he said a little too quickly.

                Honestly, after the news he’d already gotten, Jinki didn’t really want to know. There was a ball of nervous tension in his belly and his chest felt heavy anyway. A breathy exhale escaped him and he glossed over that single word before he looked up at last. “Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

                “I would say you’re welcome but I don’t feel like this is a situation where that applies,” Henry responded with an uncertain laugh.

                It was enough to prompt a snort from Jinki and he nodded in mute agreement. “Maybe not, but it’s still good information to know,” he confirmed with a forced smile that faded all too quickly. He got quiet though and it didn’t take long to feel Henry’s eyes on him. Glancing up, he hesitantly asked, “Do you think Kibum will leave me too?”

                Obviously frustrated and annoyed, Henry raised his hand with a scoff, like he was going to smack his friend, and Jinki flinched preemptively. “Go talk to your boyfriend, sir! It’s what you do,” he reminded the other man emphatically before reaching out to press his fingers against Jinki’s forehead, giving him a light nudge with a laugh. “I swear. You’re one of the smartest Terrans in our circle, but you can be remarkably dense sometimes.”

                Jinki laughed self-deprecatingly. “I guess we all have our faults, don’t we?”

                “Hey,” Henry warned, one finger pointing at his friend again. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You know that, right? The others didn’t work out because they weren’t meant to.” Jinki nodded in slow agreement. He hesitated before opening his mouth like he was going to say something but Henry cut him off. “As for you and Kibum, that’s for both of you to decide. Got it?” he demanded, pointedly looking at Jinki until the other man responded.

                “Yeah,” he answered in a dejected tone.

                “Good! Now let’s go! I know we’ve both got work but we have to find some way to enjoy the last few days of our break!” he announced with forced excitement.

                They’d probably find something like 4D bowling or maybe go to another holovid show. Maybe they’d even get lost in a holocade to while away the time, but Jinki wasn’t really thinking about those possibilities. He was more fixated on this newest concern…

                When the semester started, very little changed for their in-person meetings. At least initially anyway. When they got together, Jinki was very conscious about not being too touchy or clingy, constantly second guessing himself. Despite that, Kibum still took plenty of opportunities to sit next to him, in his lap when they were mostly in private company, or hug him from behind. Even so, Jinki made himself stop doing the same as often.

                During classes and practices, it was easy enough to not focus on the whole situation as he needed to pay attention to what he was doing. But when Kibum was in mixed company and away from Jinki’s side, he had to force himself to pretend he wasn’t watching as much as before, even if he did notice most every touch and smile and laugh. Did that mean he was happier with someone else? Kibum could fit himself perfectly in the social sphere, with or without Jinki, and it was becoming painfully obvious he didn’t really need Jinki’s anymore.

                If Kibum looked Jinki’s way and he noticed, he still smiled back or waved as appropriate. He tried to make sure Kibum never saw the slightly worried frown on his face or the occasional jealous look. In fact, to the best of his ability, he schooled his expression to polite interest or neutrality or paid more attention to those nearby.

                “You okay?” Kibum asked once when they were spending time together in his dorm room after their classes and on an evening he didn’t have work.

                Slightly distracted with trying to not be ‘too much’ of something but also worried because Kibum wasn’t sitting as close to him as usual, Jinki heard the question but it washed over him without understanding. He’d heard it a few times before and usually just gave a stock reply without much thought. But apparently his body didn’t agree to say anything this time.

                “Hey,” he heard with a nudge to jostle him from his thoughts.

                “Huh? Oh,” Jinki sighed, glancing over at his boyfriend as the word he knew he should say got stuck on his tongue. He took a breath and looked down with a worried frown.

                “Jinki?” the other man asked, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder lightly.

                He clenched his hands tighter in his lap and closed his eyes. “Am I not enough?” he wondered aloud as despair pooled in his gut. Flashes of Kibum getting closer to other people immediately crowded his mind, reinforcing his worry. Kibum’s smile, his laugh, his happiness when not caused by Jinki…

                Confused silence followed for a heartbeat until Kibum asked, “What?”

                “I mean…” Jinki breathed, gripping his pants in his hands. “Are you going to leave me too?” Forcing the words out drained him of everything he had and he slumped where he sat, letting the weight of that possibility sink in so he could prepare himself for the worst.

                Kibum scoffed in disbelief, a small gasp of sound escaping as he appeared to not know what to say. Jinki didn’t see the look he gave him, or the frustrated hand gestures, but he did hear when Kibum blurted, “No!”

                It surprised Jinki enough to flinch and look up. “No?” he echoed reactively.

                “Of course not,” Kibum continued, face contorted with confounded furrows. “Why… why would you even think that?” he asked, apparently hurt by the question.

                Jinki looked down again and bit his bottom lip. “Everyone does eventually,” he whispered, drawing in a shaky breath after the words escaped.

                More silence followed and he could feel the weight of Kibum’s gaze pressing down on him. But then Kibum placed his hands on top of Jinki’s. “Not me.”

                “But…” Jinki started to say as he glanced up again.

                “I’m not everyone,” Kibum promised, grabbing tighter. “And I don’t know where this is coming from but I love you, alright. You make me happy,” he added, leaning down and forward so he could look up into Jinki’s tilted face.

                He wanted to believe those words. So much. But he’d heard similar things before… “But you don’t need me anymore,” he admitted with a small shake of his head. The corners of Kibum’s lips turned down. “And you weren’t sitting as close as usual so I thought you were trying to pull away,” he continued, picking up speed. “And I wouldn’t blame you if you did. The others di-”

                His words were abruptly interrupted when Kibum literally crawled into his lap and wrapped his arms and legs around him in an all-encompassing hug. “Close enough for you?” he whispered with his mouth pressed against Jinki’s shoulder.

                “Kibum,” Jinki exhaled, letting his hands hover in the air uncertainly before he gave in to the desire to embrace his boyfriend back. “Please don’t leave me too,” he practically begged, burying his face in Kibum’s shoulder as he took a shaky breath.

                Strong fingers dug into his back hard. “I’m not going anywhere, love. And you’re wrong,” he added softly. “I do need you.”

                The words were spoken with such quiet determination that Jinki was hard pressed to doubt them at all. He whimpered lightly in the back of his throat and hugged Kibum tighter, hoping with all his being that that was true.

 

(a/n: Okay. Made some changes. Didn't like the direction it was going in previously so Jinki is not going to head down that path. At least not as hard anyway. They've got a couple of things to get sorted out, obviously, but now Kibum gets to see that Jinki isn't as perfect as he looks at first glance. He has hidden scars too. T_T But regardless, thank you for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy and look forward to the next update. ^_^)