Jessica closed her eyes, propping her forehead against her palm and sighed. She looked at the time, it’s just a few minutes before 7 in the evening. For some reason, she felt the time is getting slower and slower everyday and work stresses her more than it should these past few days.

She was fixing her things up when her phone vibrated. Her heart pounded really hard but when she checked, it was a message from her friend Irene Kim: “Girl! OMG I texted to let you know that I’m currently here at Paris for a shoot, I just landed earlier and I was thinking maybe we can go have dinner and hang out for a bit? I missed you guys so much!!” the message said.

The pain on her chest came back reading the last few words from the message. Irene was expecting to see the both of them, taeyeon and her, but that couldn’t be anymore possible now. “Send me where you at right now and we can go together. I’ll see you in a moment!” she replied and went on her way.

-

Jessica knocks on Irene’s door a few times until she heard shuffling steps inside and was greeted with a wide smile and big hug after the door opened “Jessi!! Oh my gosh you look so pretty!”

“Oh please, stop flattering me, I just got off from work. But thank you, you look great too! I missed you”

“Thanks, uhmm…” Irene looked at the hallway left and right, searching for someone “You went alone? Where’s taeyeon?”

“…I’ll tell you later, but we have to go first or else, our reservation at 8 will be cancelled. Besides, I’m STARVING” Irene giggled and said a soft “Oh sorry” before she closed the door and hurried away.

The two catch up over dinner, talking about career and personal stuff for an hour or two at a restaurant with a view of the Eiffel tower. In the middle of eating their dinner, jessica raised her hand to the waiter from a nearby table.

“Voulez-vous du vin? Would you like some wine?” the waiter asked.

“Je voudrais une bouteille de vin rouge. Saint-Émilion, s’il vous plait. I would like a bottle of red wine. Saint-Émilion, please.”

Her friend stared at her as the waiter went to get their wine “What? Why are you staring at me?” jessica asked “It isn’t the first time you heard me speak french.”

“It's not that. We’ve been chatting and laughing for over an hour without you mentioning your girlfriend. That’s SO not you. Did you two fight? The fact that she’s not here. What’s going on?”

Jessica sighed and before she can answer, the waiter came back to their table “Chateau Bellevue-Mondotte, madame?” he showed jessica the bottle

“C’est parfait. Merci, monsieur. It’s perfect. Thank you, sir.” she smiles at the waiter as he fills their glasses and put the bottle down to their table.

“Enjoy the rest of the evening.” said the waiter in english with a strong french accent then left the two ladies. Irene was about to sip from her glass but stopped half-way when jessica speaks.

“…..Ex-girlfriend.”

She looked at jessica with wide and shocked eyes, waiting for her friend to explain.

“Well, you know…it happens.” jessica shrugged

“What do you mean it happens? You two were bestfriends since middle school, you were like, jack and jill, bonnie and clyde, or… Hansel and Gretel, just, not the criminals and the siblings part BUT It certainly does not just happen” she was answered with a sigh “Did she…cheat on you?” Irene asked with hesitance

“Huh- No! Did you really think she would cheat on me?”

“W-well, no, absolutely not, knowing taeyeon… Sorry that was a dumb question…So what happened?”

“She…got an incredible opportunity to perform at broadway”

“Oh. I see where this is heading already. That’s like, the top of her bucket list, isn’t it?”

“Yes, second was studying to Juilliard…See, here’s the thing. I didn’t know that back in highschool, she was supposed to go to New York with my two other friends to apply to Juilliard. I only knew that when she mentioned it during our argument” Irene nods while sipping from her glass

“Of course I feel touched that…she wanted to be with me more than pursuing to study at her dream school, but at the same time, I feel guilty. I feel like, I pulled her away from that. Then I thought, when she mentioned it to me, that I don’t want to do that to her again, you know? I can’t pull her away again from her dream, so I told her she can’t pass up the chance.”

“That’s..sad…”

“Both our worlds are getting bigger than the two of us. Even though we both still wanted to stay together, it just can’t happen” she said while shaking her head.

“Why can’t you? I mean, there are a lot of couples who are in a long-distance relationship.”

“We don’t own each other. She went on a month-long trip to New York for work, and we fought frequently during that time because we both fail to catch up on each other, even though it’s just 6 hours of difference in time. Imagine that.” she looked down at sea of city lights and sipped from her glass. "She belongs in New York, I belong here."

“You don’t wanna try, at least?”

“She was willing to but I can’t go through that again. It just doesn’t work on us.” jessica sighs “I hate myself for thinking like this. She’s always ready for me and I feel like I wasn’t there enough for her, you know? We were supposed to be ‘in this’ together, but I’ve always thought, it’s taeyeon, she would understand. But I didn’t realize I was getting even more distant, I didn’t know she was hurting. I wished that… I could’ve given her what she deserved.”

“You thought everything was okay because she doesn’t-- didn't say anything”

Jessica just nods slowly “I miss her. So bad.” she looks at her glass, swirling the wine gently “Imagine, you were so intact and happy, doing whatever stupid and dumb things you both can think of. Then one day, you’re gonna wake up, she’s not there anymore.”

Irene just looks at jessica, listening to her empathically

“That day, the cab was already in front of our place, I remember, I was standing in the middle of the living room and she was standing by the door with her bag and luggages getting ready to leave our home….”

“You didn’t send her off?”

“I couldn’t send her off to the airport ‘cause… I don’t know, if I do, I’m afraid that I won’t have the courage anymore to let her go, I might change my mind and tell her to stay.”

“And she would have.”

“She would have.” jessica went silent, remembering what happened that day. “And I’ve told you that I don’t want to be selfish..”

They were just looking at each other that day until she watched taeyeon open the door and she found herself counting taeyeon’s steps. She watched her open the backseat door of the cab until taeyeon looked at her, her eyes saying goodbye.

Irene stares at her friend who was staring at the city lights with sad, reminiscent eyes, feeling jessica’s pain reach her.

“Everything still feels surreal. The person who was always ready to sing lullabies to me whenever I feel down, the one who makes corny puns to make me laugh, the one who always eats the cucumber in my food if there’s any, the one who was there with me through my triumphs and failures, the one who was always there. She’s isn’t anymore.”

“Damn, girl..”

Jessica dropped her head to the back and looked at the night sky, not wanting her tears to fall. “Ah, goddamit” she sniffed and blinked her eyes quickly “But, anyway, it’s all in the past now, and we didn’t last.”

“...Jess, I’m not that good with words, but I want you to know that, you’re so strong, choosing to let her go for her sake” she tries to encourage her “I know that it’s very hard letting go of the person you’ve invested your heart and time with for a long time, but maybe that’s actually the most necessary thing to do.”

Jessica nods, appreciating her friend’s words “I understand that things will be hard not having your partner-in-crime by your side, but you’re gonna have to push through. Don’t let taeyeon’s own efforts of letting you go be in vain.” Irene holds jessica’s hand from across the table and caressed it gently.

“You’re right, thank you” jessica nodded

“Show her that you’re trying your best here too” they smiled at each other as Irene pours their glasses with wine. “It’ll be hard, but you’ll move on somehow.”

For jessica, it’s not a question of how she’ll move on. But rather, it’s a question of whether she wants to or not.

-

“I’m home…” jessica says to no one and stared at the dark living room, the only light illuminating the room was from the moonlight shining through the windows.

She hanged her coat to the hanger stand at the foyer, removing her heels as she walked her way tiredly to the living room. It must have been her drunken state of mind, but she sees ghosts of taeyeon, greeting her from the kitchen, from the bedroom, from the living room. She’s everywhere, and jessica wishes she actually is there with her.

She sat on the floor and laid her head on her forearms that were placed on the coffee table, staring at the cactus placed in the middle of the table. She feels gloomy being alone in the apartment and it has always been like this ever since taeyeon went away.

She’d dream of her, then she’ll wake up the next day getting hit by the reality, seeing taeyeon’s empty side of the bed. She’ll go to the bathroom and see there’s only one toothbrush sitting alone in the glass on the sink, she gets haunted by the memories of splashing water and muffled laughters.

She’d enter the now half-empty closet, pretending to not see her favorite sweatshirt that taeyeon originally owned but let it get stolen by her. She’d prepare the breakfast herself and go to work like usual as if she’s not carrying such weight on her shoulders.

The place feels so empty without you she thinks every night while wearing the sweatshirt, thinking how it smells just like taeyeon, and it comforts her more than ever.

She grabs her phone from her bag and skimmed through, ending up on the voicemail section. She searches for the ones that taeyeon left and listened to it all, because it’s the only way she can hear taeyeon’s voice now.

Her desire to hear more of taeyeon's voice grew, and she was feeling a bit brave tonight. She dialed the number, it rang three times, but she was directed to her voicemail.

“This is Taeyeon, and you’ve reached my voicemail. I can’t answer your call right now, but I’ll try to return it if I can. Just please leave a message, thank you.”

There was a beep after but jessica hangs up, not bothering to leave a message. She changed her answering machine… she mumbled to herself and threw her phone to the couch.

“I’ll always be here.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll never leave.”

“Liar.” she sighs as she remembers taeyeon’s words to her “It’s just you and me now, buddy” she said to the cactus. Since then, on sad nights like this one, she can no longer rely on someone else to cheer her up like taeyeon does. No one to help her escape, no one to help her get through it all. From now on, she’ll have to rely on herself, and that felt like a slap from reality.

She lightly grazes her index finger above the cactus spines "Do you feel lonely too? Don't worry, I'll make you feel better." she lightly hummed with shaky breath, feeling her tears prickle her eyes.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away~

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head, and I cried~”

She sang to the cactus and to herself, attempting to cheer herself up but failed miserably. She closed her eyes, crying herself to sleep and dreamt of a happy life with taeyeon.

It does bring her joy, knowing that at least, that dream was once a reality.