“So, here’s your hiding…” Youngbae was at my door. I escaped to Jeju after my talk with Seungri, I didn’t want to stay in Seoul, I couldn’t stand the thought of being in the same city as his girlfriend, it was irrational, but I couldn’t care less.

“I brought food” He enter my place without waiting for an invitation, I was in a really bad state, I didn’t remember the last time I ate or took a shower “You smell horrible…”

He made himself comfortable at my space and start unpacking the food he brought, after he finished he looked at me, I was still standing at the door looking at him.

“I also brought some soju” The magic words, I finally moved and take my place in front of him, he poured me a glass of the alcohol and I just drank it in a shot. After a couple of glasses I finally looked at my friend, like really saw him.

“I screw up…” he didn’t say anything, he didn’t accept it but he didn’t deny it also.

“I lose him” It wasn’t a question, it was a fact. “I lose Seungri”

“Seungri will always be your, our, dongsaeng, our maknae.”

“I…” it was the first time I wanted to tell this to anybody. It might not be a secret, but it also wasn’t something that I have openly accepted. “I don’t want him to be OUR dongsaeng, nor OUR maknae.”

“I don’t want him to be MY maknae…” My friend didn’t interrupted me, he pour me another glass of soju and push the food to encourage me to keep eating, but also to keep talking, and so I did. “I want him, as in I want him to be my friend, my partner, my confident, my…”

I looked directly into my friend eyes, I wanted to see his reaction, I wanted to know if he would reject me or if he would support me. “I want him to be my lover… my partner for life.”

And he smile, his eyes show me he wasn’t surprised, he was just… happy?

“Why…? You look… happy?” I was confused. “I mean… I screwed up. I’m sure I lost Seungri”

“I’m not happy… just relieved, you have been struggling by yourself and to finally hear what you feel is a great step, share it with me, let me help you…” Now that I have finally accept and said my true feelings out loud I needed to share everything.

“Youngbae…” and my friend was there, listening to me “I choose my career over Seungri. I choose to be G-Dragon because I thought that was more important, because my dream was to become irreplaceable, to become a legend… and now, I would do anything, I would give up everything I have to have Seungri back in my life…”

I drank another shot of soju. “I don’t even have the inspiration to write songs… not even music, that has been my great companion, can fill this void.” 

“No one can help me. I thought that by choosing my career I would be happy, because I would have my fans, th