Yeri’s Playlist for I Think I Should Be Alive

Leave Out All The Rest-Linkin Park

“Hello, this is the National Suicide Hotline. How may I help?”

“Hi. Uhm…I would like to live.”

******************

There was probably no better news at that point than the van getting fixed and ready to be on the road. Jeno broke the news with an excited smile over breakfast, sans Yeri of course.

“I’m glad we’re getting out of here.” Renjun confessed over breaking his toast. “I just don’t think Yeri’s crowd is for me.”

“Me too.” Mark agreed. “All this partying and drinking, flashing their money around…”

“I don’t mind the money bit.” Donghyuck chuckled. “These kids don’t seem to care or have any worries. They have their whole life set up for them so perfectly you can’t imagine anything going wrong. They don’t make bad moves or decisions because they have a dozen safety nets to save them.”

“I wouldn’t trade my life for theirs.” Jeno shook his head. “So we’re the normal kids with curfews, video games and detention. There’s nothing wrong with normalcy.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t it make you feel sad? What if you look back on your youth and realized you haven’t done anything worthy of laughing over?”

“I have this road trip.” Jeno smirked. “We slept under the stars, ate baked beans for 2 meals, showered in somebody’s lawn and cooked by the beach. If anything we are the crazy ones.”

******************

Mark was pretty sure Yeri was not going to answer the knock on her door, and he was right about that. He knocked 5 times, calling her name and she still refused to answer.

“Yeri, I’m leaving today.” He said, rapping his knuckles on the door one last time. “Listen, I’m sorry about what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and I don’t want to leave without apologizing.”

There was no answer. Mark turned to leave, despondent that he couldn’t patch things up with her. Then, the door opened and Yeri appeared, dressed casually with her messy hair tied up in a bun.

“Come in.”

“Yeri, I…”

“I heard.” Yeri said, crossing her arms. Her room was spacious and pastel, suitable for a young girl her age. Pictures of her friends were up on her wall, one of them was a middle aged man with his arms around her lovingly, and the photo was titled “Daddy and me”.

“Are you…okay?”

“I guess. My ego is bruised but what the hell.” Yeri shrugged. “I’ll live with it. I think.”

“Okay.” Mark nodded. “I just wanted to…”

“Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you be honest with me?”

“Sure.”

“When you said…” she swallowed thickly “that I deserved more respect, did you mean it?”

“Of course I did.” Mark said. “You paid for our van, gave us food and a place to stay and you took us to meet your friends. How could you not be respected for being so nice?”

“I’m not nice you know.” She said.

“I don’t believe that, or else you…” Mark saw the drop in her facial expression, and decided not to press on it anymore. He took his place next to her on the bed.

“It’s Donghyuck isn’t it?”

“What?”

“It’s Donghyuck. Your friend. You’re gay aren’t you?”

The fact that Mark did not answer, meant that Yeri found her answer. “I knew it. I should have seen it coming. You looked like you were ready to rip Woojin apart.”

“I care about him, he’s my best friend. Woojin just…” he tried to come up with a word to not insult her friend. “Didn’t seem right.”

“Then what would seem right? In fact, what are you looking for?” she asked. “You told me that you were on your way to some old palace, to find answers. What are you looking for?”

“I don’t know,” Mark shrugged. “It’s a bit difficult to answer.”

“Is it because you don’t know what to ask or you have too much to ask?”

“A little of both.” Mark said. “I’m still kind of worried about the future, you know. Going to college, being an adult. I have to make all my decisions now, with no one to tell me if it’s right or wrong. It’s scary out there.”

“Are you afraid of growing up?”

“Aren’t you?”

“Yeah, you’ve got a point.” Yeri nodded. “But I don’t see how a palace would be able to solve that.”

“Maybe not, but maybe it proves that I’m ready to be an adult.”

Yeri and Mark sat on her bed awkwardly, feeling the pregnant silence envelope the room. Yeri decided to be the first to speak up.

“You are the first one to say no.”

“I am?” Mark asked in surprise.

“Yeah.” She rubbed her arms. “I thought guys like this.”

“Not everyone. I know some jerks who do, but not everyone.”

“You know, I have always been able to impress people with money, cars, body and whatever.” She said, waving her hands about. “But with you, I felt like nothing I said or did impressed you. So that made me want you more, and I…”

“Yeri,” Mark stopped her. “You should be with people who care for you, not those who pretend they do.”

Yeri bit her bottom lip so hard it was almost bleeding. She wept in her hands, with Mark’s arm around her skinny shoulders and his cheek pressed against the top of her head.

******************

Yeri made a big splash about Mark and his friends leaving. She called all her friends, and Jihoon, Chaeyoung and quiet Tzuyu helped them load the van. Joy and Dino were busy getting awed by the van itself.

“Holy you made this yourself?”

“Yep, my dad and I.”

“Can you make one for me?”

“Do you have the money?”

“Does a horse have legs?” Dino wriggled his eyebrows and Jeno pushed him teasingly. Chaeyoung and Tzuyu were Renjun’s hair for some odd reason while Woojin and Donghyuck looked at each other from across the driveway awkwardly.

“We cannot thank you enough for everything.”

“I’m actually going to miss you guys.” Jihoon smiled sadly. “You guys are really cool. If we were in high school together we would totally be best friends.”

“Thanks man.” Mark gave Jihoon a fist-bump and a hug. He turned to Yeri and slipped something in her hands.

“The other day, at the pool, you were talking about dying.” He said. “There’s a number to call. They can help you.”

Yeri slipped a peek at the number. “Also, I think you should call your dad. I’m sure he misses you.”

“I miss him too.” Yeri was enveloped into a tight hug with Mark, her tears wetting his T-shirt.

“Okay guys, let’s get this show on the road!” Jeno said, revving the engine back to life. “Holy this baby sounds even better than before!”

“I told the mechanic to give you guys the best of the best.”

“Yeri, you are a saint.” Jeno sent her flying kisses. “Come on everyone!”

Mark and Renjun climbed in, but Donghyuck’s eyes wandered to where Woojin was. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

“Hyuck!”

“Give me a minute!” Donghyuck and Woojin walked towards each other. Yeri asked her friends to turn around and Mark closed the door to give them privacy, but he stuck his face to the glass to watch them anyways.

“Woojin.”

“Donghyuck.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He shook his head, his dark red hair and playful grin showing, but the corners of his lips were not as high as before. “You don’t have to be sorry. We can still be friends.”

“I’d like that.” Donghyuck smiled. He wanted Woojin as a friend, even if he knew they were not meant to be. Woojin cupped Donghyuck’s face to pull him in for a kiss. This kiss was different. It was gentle, innocent, and almost feathery. This was a goodbye kiss, as if Woojin knew that if he pressed any further, he would never let him go.

“You’re so beautiful.”

“Quit it with the tongue exchange and get in!!”

“JENO!” Renjun slapped his arm.

“I have to go.” And with that, Donghyuck climbed back into the van. They all waved goodbye, hands moving nonstop, even after the gold gates to Yeri’s mansion closed.

Mark and Donghyuck did not speak a word to each other. They sat opposite each other, one staring into the distance, the other looking at his nails like they were the most interesting things on the planet.

“He really likes you.”

“Who?”

“Woojin.” Mark said. “I can tell.”

“I know.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him I was sorry.”

“Was he hurt?”

“I guess so.”

Music by Jason Mraz filled the van. Leaves brushed against the side of the van.

“That was a goodbye kiss.”

“I know.”

The van hit a bump, courtesy of To The Left Jeno and Donghyuck fell to the side. “Come.” Was all Mark said, extending a hand towards Donghyuck as he pulled the younger over. The van hit another bump as he moved over.

“My bad!” Jeno yelled out as an apology.

Mark rolled his eyes. His hands didn’t leave Donghyuck’s and Donghyuck made zero attempts to pull it back.

******************

Nothing much would change in the months to come after Mark and his friends left. Woojin would move on to someone else, but every once in a while, would wonder where and what Donghyuck was up to. Jihoon, Tzuyu, Chaeyoung and Dino never stopped partying and being reckless teenagers.

Yeri would call for help. She would talk to her father and tell him the truth. She would confront her demons and fight a lifelong war with her biggest enemy, herself. Some days she would win, some days she would lose, but it’s always better to lose a battle than lose the war.

She will win. She will stay alive.

A/N: This is my small tribute to Chester Bennington, whose music shaped my teenage years and many others around the world.