A/N: I'm soooo sorry for this late update, it's 1,900 <3 and i'll probably write another chapter tomorrow. This chapter is mostly Jaebum's side ^^ which i like writing because it's more easier to describe how Youngjae makes him feel because.. i relate haha sorry,,, and Italics means it's a dream <3 Bye bye! and oHHH! thank you for the beautiful person who put upvote! ahhh! (i don't know what that means exactly but thank you!) <33 i love you all, and thanks for liking this, it's my first time writing something and posting it anywhere online /.\ love you all!  Be safe <3 (sorry i didn't proof read, i will do it tomorrow if don't get tired /.\)

2 months later…

“Mark, have strength and I love you…” Youngjae’s video message to Mark for their 3^rd anniversary fanmeet, and then the last part of his message to Jaebum, “Since this year is the year of the chicken so get all the luck… Oh and our Mark hyung too.” The fans laughed at this, but Jaebum, after he stood up to completely look at the video directed for him only, he went back and sat down after it was over.

Jaebum has been trying to stay closer to Youngjae, in that same fanmeet, he said to Youngjae “I really like you,” although it could be seen as something kind that he just wanted Youngjae to pick him, it had double meaning. Jaebum has been trying to see if Youngjae would notice something. Something Jaebum has been having for Youngjae for a long while. All those stares Jaebum gives Youngjae, although it isn’t new. Picking Youngjae out of the maknae line pretending to be puppies, and resting his forehead on Youngjae’s.

And the “date,” as he likes to call it, when they were in Los Angeles, and went to Koreatown. Although Youngjae ended up inviting Elliot and his producer, which led their little “date” to be ended soon, resulting with sadness for Jaebum as that could’ve been an only chance to “hang out” with his dongsaeng in public. There was also the backhug he gave Youngjae during the photo op with fans at Los Angeles. The big smile Jaebum had when Youngjae sang Wait For You for Elliot Yamin. Jaebum felt so happy for Youngjae, but also realized he waned Youngjae to feel the same way. Although, something inside, Jaebum doesn’t want to be selfish in wanting his feelings to be reciprocated, and he should be a leader and possibly stop…

--------------

“Youngjae.. Youngjae ahh,” Jaebum whimpered out, seeing tears running down from the boy underneath him. “Youngjae, you don’t have to cry, I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

The boy continues to cry, just staring sadly at his hyung, keeping quiet and lips quivering.

“Youngjae, I wont do anything, but please, don’t cry” Jaebum pleads, hoping to calm the crying boy. “I’m sorry, I’m a horrible leader. I’m sorry.”

His own tears begin to fall, and Jaebum tucks his head onto Youngjae’s shaking chest, wetting his shirt as he continues, “I’m sorry for this. I’m sorry, I’ll stop.”

“hyung, wake up.” ...
“Hyung wake up!” Youngjae shouts louder and shakes Jaebum awake, Jaebum pulls his face off his pillow, in which he had slept laying face down on. “Jaebum-Hyung are you alright?”

Youngjae had looked at him worriedly, and started rubbing his back. “I’m ok, sorry.” Jaebum sits up and stares away from Youngjae.

“You were crying hyung. Was it a bad dream? Why were you sorry,” Youngjae wanted to understand why Jaebum was crying and apologizing.

“I’m fine, don’t worry Youngjae, it was just a dream,” ‘a nightmare,’ corrected Youngjae in his thoughts.

-------

Jaebum had been thinking of that dream now lately, it happened after their 3^rd anniversary fanmeet and Vlive. Jaebum remembers how he volunteered to punish Youngjae for laughing when it was part of their game, but why did it seem they all were going to find out about his crush, Jaebum got scared and good thing Jinyoung intervened and changed the subject. The reason he volunteered was because he didn’t want anyone else to hit him. Or touch him. So when Youngjae said he loves Mark for his message, and when his own message meant for him was made about Mark, he felt that something was clear:

He can’t love Youngjae. He can’t make Youngjae fall for him like Jaebum had fallen for Youngjae. He had to stop before it affected the group, and most of all, Youngjae…

---------------

“Hyung, come here,” Jinyoung spoke to Jaebum, making him go to Jinyoung’s room.

“What is it Jinyoung?”

“How are you feeling lately?” Jinyoung asked as he sat on his bead with Jaebum.

“I’m feeling good, we now have a month to get read for our next comeback in March.”

“Jaebum, the dating rule, it was abolished this year,” Jinyoung ignored looking at Jaebum.

“Yeah, I know…” Jaebum answered confused with the sudden change of topic, “Wait, are you…?”

“No. But, I want to know what your thoughts on idols dating,” Jinyoung said still feeling nervous.

“Um, well they are humans dating, I guess it can be hard since they’re fans want to know everything,” Jaebum responds, although he is unsure of the meaning of having this talk at all. He understands idols dating can be a big problem to groups but none of s have mentioned wanting to date soon.

“How about non-heteroual couples…” Jaebum looked at Jinyoung wide eyed.

“What? What about them, it’s the same but I guess, I little more..”

“Tougher? Harder? Stricter?” Jinyoung tried and most likely succeeded. “Jaebum, I’m not against any of the members if this happens, but you agree it should be kept a secret if it were to ever happen?”

“… Yeah, um, but… Yeah,” Jaebum’s heart sank. It sank hard, his love for Youngjae, it’s forbidden in their society, in a strict society. “But if it happens, I would be ok, you are right, for just a bit, we should keep it secret.”

“Then I hope Youngjae understands,” Jinyoung smiles at the ground.

“What… Did you…” Jaebum is shocked, does Jinyoung know something.

“I’ve noticed hyung,” Jinyoung lets out a small laugh while covering his mouth. “It isn’t just brotherly love now, right hyung?”

“I-I can’t Jinyoung. I have to let whatever this is, go. Youngjae can’t find out,” Jaebum said slowly and quietly.

“Hyung, if you really feel this way, and care for him. If you-“

“He won’t like me back,” Jaebum interrupted Jinyoung, “It’s best if I don’t confuse him.”

“What if he does like you?” Jinyoung said hopeful.

“I don’t think he would. You have seen him, he is completely oblivious and carefree and so innocent, and not innocent as in a child but innocent as in, never had a real relationship or had someone crushing on him to notice himself and”
“And you are really obvious,” Jinyoung stated in a teasing tone.

“Aish. Does everyone know.”

“I don’t think so, and if they did, I know they would keep it away from Youngjae.”

“I don’t want Youngjae finding out, please,” Jaebum told Jinyoung calmly. How would he deal with Youngjae finding out about his crush on him.

 --------------

“Bye bye hyung, Coco!” Youngjae yelled as he left his shared room with Mark.

“Ah… Youngjae ah, where are you going?” Jaebum asked as how he had seen Youngjae saying goodbye.

“I’m going to the store, to get some treats for Coco,” Youngjae responded, smile never leaving.

“It’s pretty late Youngjae, you should wait until tomorrow, before we go on our schedules,” Jaebum responded in his monotone voice, and he wanted Youngjae to stay since it was 10 at night. Youngjae shouldn’t be going out anymore, mostly alone.

“Don’t worry hyung, it’s really close,” Youngjae protested.

“Go to sleep already.”

“It’s too early hyung, I won’t be sleeping either way so I’ll go now,” Youngjae responded and turned to grab the knob of the door but failed to turn it when a hand grabbed his on the knob.

“I said… Aish… I’ll go with you then,” Jaebum said while avoiding eye contact. He really was going to stop him but he didn’t want to fight, or argue with Youngjae.

After Jaebum had gotten a black zipper sweater, they both headed out with their hoods on. Jaebum felt like this was a date again. In his mind though. He was very close to Youngjae, if he just reached out, he could hold his hand, in the lonely streets at this time.

“Hyung you’re ok?” Youngjae interrupted his innocent thought.

“Huh? Yeah.” Jaebum blinks and turns to him, they are waiting on a stoplight.

“I said should we just cross since there is no cars?”

“Umm, no, you could get hurt.” Jaebum says as he looks out toward the street.

“You’re right, so much traffic,” Youngjae responds calmly as if he had not intended to mock Jaebum.

“Ok,” Jaebum grabs Youngjae’s hand and drags him across the red light to the other side; although Youngjae let’s Jaebum pull him to the other side, after, Youngjae let’s go of his hand.

“You are crazy, what if the police see us or a car came or-“

“Didn’t you say we should?” Jaebum smirks at Youngjae then leans closer to his face, “Were you scared?”

“No hyung! But it’s dangerous…” Youngjae looks at the floor to not stare at Jaebum from this close. Youngjae felt adrenaline as he did that, although he knows it isn’t a big deal, but what if a car with no headlights came and hit them.

“Let’s go. Where is it?” Jaebum listens and continues down that path.

“It’s across that street…” Youngjae stops them and turns back pointing on another direction.

Jaebum suddenly feels like an idiot. He crossed the wrong crosswalk. This time they wait for both of the green lights to appear.

And then he realized he was still holding onto Youngjae’s hand, but decides to not let go until his dongsaeng does: He didn’t.

At the store…

“This one has liver flavor and this one has beef…” Youngjae is looking at the dog aisle and debating on which one is better.

Jaebum was just watching and waiting, “Is it really that hard?”

Youngjae sighs at that, “I wish Mark-hyung was here, he would know…”

Good thing Youngjae was facing away from Jaebum or he would have noticed Jaebum’s jaw clench.

“Hyung do you want strawberry milk?” Youngjae tells Jaebum, knowing that last time Youngjae brought strawberry milk, Jaebum took both bottles for himself.

“Uh yeah…” Jaebum smiles as Youngjae reaches over to grab a bottle.

As they head to pay, Jaebum ends up paying for the dog treat and his strawberry milk, even though Youngjae whined that he could pay but Jaebum said he is the hyung. Youngjae didn’t protest until they left.

“You’re the hyung but you like sweets more than me.” Youngjae said quietly.

“You look and act like someone younger Youngjae-ah,” Jaebum chuckled. “And your sweet too.”
“What?” Youngjae chuckled, “That reminds me of when you said I was like candy, but I know that was ‘cause your English isn’t great.”

“You are sweet. Not in taste though like I said in English,” Jaebum was staring at the ground the whole time; he probably is making a mistake. He would have seen how Youngjae blushed.

“You are so cheesy hyung!” Youngjae laughed and pushed Jaebum but then noticed Jaebum go onto the road, so Youngjae grabbed his shirt to pull back, probably to forcefully, resulting in Jaebum hugging Youngjae almost dropping him.

“Thanks for saving me after almost killing me with all those cars,” Jaebum said seriously, although it was a joke.

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae chuckled.

They started heading home, and Jaebum would throw glances at Youngjae very so often. Wanting to hold his hand, to hug him, and to just pour out his love.

“’So get all the luck,” Youngjae’s message to Jaebum at the same fanmeet, and Jaebum’s definition of luck, meant having Youngjae. Being able to hear his laughter. Being able to have someone who cares about not only him, but also s. Feeling actually happy. Laughing. Being able to smile happily and feel warmth alongside Youngjae, forgetting about the ache Jaebum has in his heart, that they will never have anything but this.