Admin: 1685 words, sorry again, but Jaebum finally understanding something.

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“I feel like pets, you don’t know when you are raising them, but when they aren’t there, you think of them a lot,” Jaebum says in an interview for NewsAde 9 months later, 2016. Jaebum and Youngjae are not roommates as of now, but during the Fly concerts, there were tears, tears of missing each other and hoping each other’s recovery was quick. Although Youngjae did admit he felt sad seeing the empty chair and cried, Jaebum hasn’t admitted much except feeling bad that he wasn’t there next to his dongsaeng, next to Youngjae. He also didn’t know what to call his teary eyes on that final Seoul concert. Not to mention this interview happened when Youngjae was out of the public eye for 2 weeks due to health reasons.

Jaebum misses Nora, he misses her a lot, and although he was foolish to actually let himself think Youngjae was at fault or could have done something, he is foolish with realizing his feelings. As Jaebum had said before, he picked up Youngjae under his wing and “raised him” because Youngjae reminded him of his younger self. He was there since Youngjae first came as a trainee, when Youngjae first came into his shared room, and when Youngjae would leave occasionally there room, and when they switched roommates, Youngjae wasn’t there and Jaebum missed him, still misses him. If it wasn’t for Jaebum’s self control, although he has told Youngjae in his message from their Got2day 2016 video that he misses Youngjae and for Youngjae to return, Jaebum would also mention that he thinks a lot about Youngjae. Maybe as much as he thinks about Nora. Though Jaebum thinks more differently: he wants to hug, hold closely, smell, and stare at Youngjae’s soft face, he wants to caress his hair and cheeks. Surely Jaebum didn’t start developing a crush, although if he were to admit it, it developed when they were roommates.

The reason for distancing himself from Youngjae wasn’t because he was blaming Youngjae, nor taking it out on him as Youngjae had put it. Jaebum’s behavior for that year: betrayal and confusion. Betrayal from someone Jaebum sincerely came to have a crush on, and now having to see if he cared more about Nora or the fact that Youngjae, his crush, could have prevented her from being sent away, Jaebum distanced himself because of his confusion. He didn’t want to blame Youngjae or feel what he was feeling, but distancing made him realize two things:

One, Youngjae still felt guilty and responsible for Nora’s leaving.

Two, he couldn’t stand being away from Youngjae any longer. He should burn that metal bunk bed and get their one mat back. Every chance he had, he would hug Youngjae, either from “threatening him” when Youngjae said he was the “fatty of the week,” or when he would partner up in photo-shoots with him and cling to him. He missed his warmth. He somehow made it by without seeing Nora, but with Youngjae, it was different, he was there, easy to reach but he himself didn’t reach out in fear of blurting it out: Either Youngjae being responsible for Nora not being there or Jaebum’s wanting of Youngjae nearby. When he was already falling asleep, he let those words slip, but he wouldn’t remember as he thought it was only in his thoughts.

 Inside his room alone laying down on his bottom bunk, Jackson being off at a solo activity, he sighs deeply and closes his eyes, “I really do miss him don’t I, Nora?” He may feel dumb talking to his cat that is off being taken care of by his friend, but he can’t help but wanting to understand these feelings. “If Nora stayed, I wouldn’t have roomed with Youngjae in the first place, but then he would have gotten used to Nora. Would we eventually be rooming together after? Aagh!” He yelled.

“Hyung, you ok,” a worried Youngjae from outside the room, he knocked.

“Yeah, I’m fine, come here,” he said before he could think to not say it.

Youngjae opened and walked in, poking his head in and then smiling at his hyung closing the door, “What is it?”

“… Nothing, come sleep,” again he mentally hits himself for not thinking properly.

Laughing, Youngjae goes, “Hyung is weird.” Probably because it is barely 8 at night.

“Youngjae-ah, do you miss me,” he earns a hit to his chest before Youngjae lies down fully on his back next to Jaebum.

“We see each other all the time,” he continues to chuckle, “I am literally right next door with Mark-hyung and, Coco-ah,” he says the last part softly.

Jaebum turns to look at Youngjae, which Youngjae does then as well, “You know I miss you, almost as much as I miss Nora,” Jaebum lets a smirk in which Youngjae turns away blushing and laughing.

“I thought you said you missed me more than Nora,” what Youngjae says to make Jaebum’s smirk leave and shock replaces it, because it could be true to Jaebum.

“What? When-“

“You don’t remember? It was when we finally talked about Nora and you being off for that whole year,” Youngjae let out a soft chuckle to avoid it being awkward, “but you slept literally right away.”

“Youngjae, I, I,” Jaebum was trying to find his words but he is shocked that he did say that aloud, and worst of all, Youngjae thought of it as a joke perhaps.

“You were just joking, I know, you love Nora a lot,” Youngjae said laughing, but when he turned to look at Jaebum, he stopped his laughter; Jaebum was serious.

“Youngjae-ah, I do miss you, I do love Nora and miss her so much, but sometimes I miss you a lot,” Jaebum just stared at Youngjae, their heads turned toward each other, still laying down,

“Oh, Jaebum-hyung don’t worry about making me feel-”

“Youngjae-yah!” He got Youngjae to stop talking. After a little silence, Youngjae looked away, awkward silence. Jaebum just didn’t want to hear it; he didn’t want to hear Youngjae’s oblivious way of thinking. Jaebum still staring so hard at Youngjae, he picked himself up and hugged Youngjae’s side while Youngjae was still on his back. Jaebum’s nose was right next to Youngjae’s neck, making Youngjae a little shaky.

“It tickles Hyung,” Youngjae whined, stretching his neck out away from, oblivious that he was actually giving Jaebum more room.

“I do miss you,” Jaebum whispered on his neck.

“What is there to miss,” Youngjae softly let out a short laugh.

“You… This.” Jaebum breathed out and went to sleep upon not hearing anything else from Youngjae.

Youngjae is confused. Youngjae doesn’t know what to say so he remained silent. His face was red, embarrassed, and still happy. 

Should Youngjae feel happy that Jaebum misses him like Jaebum misses his cat?

Little did he know, Youngjae could be a replacement for Jaebum’s empty spot where Nora had been.

“Her spot is empty so I feel like that spot is really big” had said Jaebum on that same interview when Youngjae was out for 2 weeks.

Jaebum woke up first, seeing Youngjae in front of him sleeping so peacefully, Jaebum squished him tighter. He stared for so long, he didn’t notice he was closer to his face until he looked at Youngjae’s lips, unaware that Youngjae had awoken during Jaebum’s soft gaze at his lips.

Youngjae saw Jaebum, but unsure if Jaebum stared at his lips, and why? He closed his eyes because he didn’t want it to be awkward, and then he felt a kiss, not on his lips, but his nose. He felt the warmth leave him and a door close. Youngjae opened his eyes slowly, shocked and confused. Reaching his finger to his nose and questioning everything. ‘I understand treating me as a teddy bear, but now the nose kiss?’

Youngjae suddenly smiles and sighs at his silly new thought coming up, ‘He wouldn’t like me, he probably just misses, babying Nora, and needs someone else to baby.”

“I wanted to kiss him, actually kiss him,” Jaebum says as he finishes washing his hands in the bathroom, and then splashes water on his face, “What am I doing?” He sighs again, ‘What am I doing Nora?’

He misses sharing rooms with Youngjae. He misses their late night talks. He misses him so much that he is finally understanding that he may in fact, like Youngjae more than just a baby brother, or in this case, filling in a spot for Nora.

“I can’t like him,” Jaebum whispers and then turns off the faucet, making his way out of the bathroom.

“You were very comfy with Youngjae, no wonder Jackson came to my room and Youngjae didn’t,” Mark told Jaebum in a teasing voice.

“Get ready, we have schedule in 2 hours,” Jaebum avoided Mark, because he is still confused.

He reaches to open the door but Youngjae opens it rather quickly, “Oh! Good morning hyung,” Youngjae smiles, and Jaebum’s mind thinks and his stomach feels warm and twisty, he takes a good look at his small eyes and his bright smile and the cute nose he just kissed that morning.

“You should get ready Youngjae-ah,” despite Youngjae being woken up without a fuss, Jaebum ignores it, as his mind is preoccupied at the moment.

‘I like Youngjae, Nora, that is why I’m not mad at him for your leaving?” To say he was upset at first at Youngjae is true, but that is when he didn’t develop a crush on him yet. When Jaebum heard the whole endurance from the cat owner lady, he had a confusion that was similar to loving your significant other as much as your family, this was partly due to Jaebum already developing a crush on his roommate. ‘I do like Youngjae, and I miss him too Nora.’

Jaebum’s empty spot where Nora had once filled, may have grown bigger. Only because Jaebum missing Nora was enough, but now after Youngjae had left their dorm, it created another longing, and that empty spot grew bigger.