"I'm back, mom." I shuffled along the old floorboard. Our windows gaping holes letting the cold seek in, the wood in the fireplace was rotting out. The table was left dusty and unclean. I wasn't expecting much, the house seemed to have  collapsed.   

"So soon? You could've at least brought home  chicken." I found her sitting on a chair with a few checks in her hand, the gruff voice I've been hearing for 19 years of my life. I slowed to a stop once I reached the dusty table and grabbed a towel to wipe it down.

"You know I can't afford it, none of us can." I replied. 

"When are you going to debut?" Her cold voice reached my ears.

"The company is having a survival show, if I can be in the finals, I will be able to debut." I in a breath waiting for a load of insults stabbing me in the back.

"This is why you aren't able to debut." Her words struck me, hard. "You're talentless, if you were really born to be a singer you would have already debuted, we wouldn't live in such a dull house! Nayoung please, you're already 19 years old. Our son is no longer here all because of you, he was just trying to help us! And now all I have is a disgraceful, useless daughter." Her face was red from anger. There was a moment of silence until she spoke up. "Go visit your father and don't come see me again until you've debuted."

Why I want to debut..I just wanted to make my mom proudーeven if it's only for a few seconds. I closed the front door after I changed back into comfortable jeans. I walked down the sidewalk. Geez, she could've made me food or something. This isn't a good holiday as I thought it would be. I wonder what the others are doing, probably having fun with their own families.

It was about 8:00 p.m but the holiday spirit was as lively as ever. The street lights were on and street performers performed music while children's parents guided them down the sidewalk. Visiting my dad meant visiting the hospital. He's been hospitalized a while ago when he announced that he has brain cancer.

I entered 'Mrs. Kim's Flower Shop' to look for a simple bouquet. "Long time no see, Nayoung." She greeted.

"You too." I bowed. "I'll take this." I placed the bouquet on the cashier table. I started digging through my backpack 

"That would be $4.99." Mrs. Kim said brightly.

My hands felt every inch of my backpack, including the corners. Where was my wallet? I rummaged through my bag for a third time. It was the only change and allowance I had, how could I have lost it? I blame my careless mind. "That's strange, I don't remember taking my wallet out."

She looked at me pitifully. "That's unusual for you to lose something so important." She smiled and motioned me to stop. "I'll give it to you. It's for your father isn't it?"

"Are you sure? I can look for it, I'm sure I can find it." I offered.

"It's alright, you're a regular customer here anyways. Go on your way, your father must be waiting for you." She shooed me out.

Why had I been so careless? My whole body sagged. I might not have much in the wallet but it was just the start, once I debut I'd have enough money to buy my parents a house. My wallet was basically my life, no dinner for me today. I didn't want to ask the members for money, it would be too burdensome. I would have to start over.  

I stepped foot back on the snowy sidewalk. I guess I'd have to sleep in the dorms alone again. I tilt my head up just to make sure I was in the right place. Sure enough the big sign read, 'Seoul Hospital'.

"Which room is Im Daesuk in?" I asked one of the front desk ladies named 'Kim Ahyoung'. She looked through her long list of patients.

"One of the nurses just checked on him. He is currently taking treatment. Please wait and come back in an hour." 

I guess I'll visit him tomorrow. I walked out in the cold breeze of wind, shivering quietly.

"Nayoung-shi!" 

I spun around. I immediately recognized him as the orange-headed one from Nct, though his names still linger somewhere else besides my mind. 

"I can't believe you actually turned around. What are you doing out so late?" He questioned. Have I set a bad first impression? He glanced down at the bouquet I had forgotten I was still holding. "Who's that for?" He pointed to it.

I held it behind me. "It's nothing." 

"We tend to have many members in Nct I hope you still remember my name. I'm Doyoung." He stretched out his hand.

I shook it with my free hand and pulled away. "I should go, it's getting late." Doyoung bided goodbye and went on his way. I watched quietly until his back was unseen from my view before I continued with my walk back to the dorm.

If I wasn't talented why would SM accept me in with wide open and warm arms? I was never the successful child my mom wanted and my cousins all disliked me. I found my reason to debut after my brother committed suicide not too long ago. If my mom wants wealth, I'll give it to her. She deserves it all because it was my fault.

My brother and I were never close like other siblings. At that time, our family was struggling to keep up with our fees let alone keeping our house. Our dad was rarely home trying to make money in his workplace. The thing was, he barely only got a few dollars after working late night shifts. Our mom on the other hand was ripping open thousands of fees. 

My brother couldn't take it anymore. He tried working for a job but got beaten to plump and came home late at night with bruises and scratches all over his face. 

I was 14, he was 18, I was a fool, he was a hero. I called him stupid, useless and wasn't much help to us. If only I knew that he was doing all he could, but I was too young to realize that. That night was also when our parents fought. I could hear glass crash against the floor and everything get ruined. But my brother still came into my room and protected me from the noise. If I wouldn't have pushed him away and told him three words 'I hate you' he wouldn't have ended up dead the next day from suicide. I guess he couldn't have taken the pain and past it on to me. I decided to become a singer, whether I had the potential to do it or not.

I'm most worried about my dad's hospital fees. I needed to debut quickly and survive to the end of the survival show.

Coming back to reality, I came by next to an alley. "Why did you become an idol..not cool." A deep voice said. 

I hid behind the wall and leaned over the edge to take a better look. 

"You just debuted, it's not too late you could still come back to us." Another voice said. "We can sell the drugs together."

I held my hand over my mouth to prevent myself from making any noises. It was none other than Yuta and 2 other criminals I've seen on newspapers.

"Dude I'm not about that life anymore." Yuta spoke up. "I appreciate my job as an idol more than getting caught."

Was he a drug dealer? I've seen other idols with bullying scandals but this was a big one. If someone had let the news out, I assure you the netizens won't let you go. 

"The chances of you creating scandals is more than us getting caught.