Part Seven: I Just Can't

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The time had gone by and for as many hours as there were I had spent them at the hospital at Madisen’s side. Each night I spent hunched over at her bedside with a small pillow the nurses had offered me. They offered me a chair to sleep in, but I refused to stay close to her. Madisen’s parent would come up everyday, it was at that time I would go out, change my clothing at home and pick myself up some quick food before returning to the hospital. I was beginning to become quite acquainted with the staff, each of them greeting me as I would enter, I would even have conversations with some of the nurses while Madisen rested. There were a few night where I would join her parents for a meal, and many nights where our mutual friends would come up and spend a hour or so. Her speech is starting to grow, and she is regaining her mobility at a rapid speed, although her memory is still vague. She remembers only few things in which happened around the time of the crash. She remembers me, and my stupid acts of unloyalty. She remembers our breakup, but nothing of the past two years we shared in love. She remembers her friends, enough.

I walk into the pale hospital room, a coffee in hand. “Good morning Madisen” I speak as she just rises. She looks to me, her eyes squinted and her hair a tousled bun. She stretches her arms up, and yawns. Her hand bumps against the tall IV pole which stand at her bedside. “Be careful” I chuckle pretending to catch the pole as if it were falling. I jokingly wipe my forehead and let out a sigh of relief. “Donghyuk” she shakes her head at me, her voice low and gravelly. I smile but she only rolls her eyes. She tried a day or two ago to tell me off, and tell me to leave her alone, but I refuse to leave her in such state. She understands, but her feelings towards me are far from friendly. I insisted she treat our relationships as a caring and giving friendship, she agreed, so here I am, day in and day out with her.

“Donghyuk” a nurse with silver speckled hair calls my name. “Don’t let her fool you” the woman speaks. I raise an eyebrow and turn to Madisen who rolls her eyes back and sighs at the nurse. “Fool me with what?” I question Madisen, although I know the nurse is who will reply.”Her speech” the nurse laughs. “She can talk nearly perfect, about three days ago when you were out and about for a couple hours, I sat here and chatted up a storm, she’s been practicing every minute you’ve stepped out. Girl really knows how to talk” the nurse chuckles. “I agreed that she may remain silent when with you, but I can’t take it anymore, hearing your one way conversations with a completely awake and aware person” the nurse continues to laugh. Madisen sighs and shakes her head at the nurse. “Is this true Madi?” I question playfully. “You can talk?” I raise an eyebrow at her. She drops her shoulders and rubs the nape of her neck. “Madisen” I prompt trying not to laugh at the situation. “Sorry honey, he had to know sooner or later” the nurse chuckles and leaves the room to the two of us. “Yes, I can, talk” Madisen admits, her voice broken but clearly understandable. Her sentences are phrased proper and her voice sounds just as beautiful as always. “My talking- was- never- really a problem- even- when they found- me” she speaks pausing every few words. “It’s- not the best- but I’m- working- on it” she continues. “It’s good, that’s good” I says an honest smile across my face. “It’s good to hear your voice clearly again, you have no idea how much I missed it” I tell her. She smiles a sweet almost shy smile and averts her eye from me.

A few hours pass, and although she is able to keep a conversation with me, she isn’t willing to. Our ‘conversations’ remain as they were, a lot of me talking and her glaring me, raising her eyebrows, or shrugging. She refuses to make an effort to communicate with me, and I don't blame her, the only thing she remembers of me is that I’m the cause of her broken heart.

“Goodnight Madisen” I say my final words, now tired of talking I shut off the lamp which lit up the room. She lay, staring at the ceiling. I rest my head on her bedside, my eyes remain open as my presents is becoming more and more unwanted, at least that’s how she is acting. “Donghyuk?” her voice is quiet. “Yes” I respond. “Tell me, what were we, before it ended, what was our- relationship like?” she questions me, her voice sounding as if she’s holding back tears. I sit up and look at her. “I know I broke up- with you and I remember why, so don’t bother- explaining that mess” she tells me, I look away almost embarrassed. “But what were we like, were you always- this way with me?” she speaks referring to my actions over the last week. I gulp, thinking of ways to explain. “Please tell me” she begs, placing a hand over mine which grip the side of the bed.

I take in a deep breath. “We were very much in love, I can tell you that” I tell her. I begin to explain our dynamics to the relationship, all it’s stereotypical traits and all it’s adorable quirks. “And were you always this nice?” she asks. “I like to think so” I chuckle. “And were you always this sweet?” she practically restates her last question. “I sure hope so” I respond in a serious yet playful manner. “Were you always this handsome?” she giggles shyly. “Uhh~ if you think so now, then the answer could only be yes” I joke off the slight awkward feelings of the moment. “Tell me more Donghyuk” she insists rolling over to face me. About a minute or so goes by without either of us talking. She lay, her eyes looking at me sweetly, gently. “Madisen” I begin “you should get some sleep” I tell her. She goes to speak, but I silence her by tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Goodnight” I bid, standing and walking towards the room's exit. She sighs. “Night” she speaks. I slip from the curtain and exit to the hospital waiting room. I sit, my elbows propped to my knees. My chin rest on the backs of my fingers. I know I should have told her what she wanted, but I don’t know how to explain such things to her. How do I, a broken man, explain to the woman who onced loved me what our relationship was, how great it was, just to end up staring at her face, her eyes which no longer look at me with love, but instead, nearly hate.

Beep beep beep.

I roll, smashing a hand down on my already shattered phone screen to shut off it’s insesent alarm. I sit up in bed, yawning I gaze out my bedroom window. I crack my neck side to side, before standing and heading to my kitchen. Last night was the first night in weeks I had spent in my own home. I had been spending my nights at the hospital each day, but with the awkwardness I felt roll over me from Madisen and my last conversation I knew I had to sleep alone, at home.

I quickly fix myself up a breakfast and coffee, before skipping out of my apartment and heading down to the hospital.

“Good morning Donghyuk” Madisen speaks, greeting before even her parents could. “Good morning” I bid to each of them, bowing to her parents slightly. “Did you sleep well?” I ask her. “Not at all” she responds quickly. I stand beside her mother and tilt my head. She raises her arm, pointing to an oxygen machine behind her. “I couldn’t breathe, once you left” she tells me. I shake my head. “I’m sorry I left” I apologize, as if the situations would have changed. “There isn’t anything to be sorry for” she advises. “Well, there is actually a lot” I speak, the thoughts at the back of my mind finding a way out.

“Donghyuk” She speaks, the room now quiet and left to only her and I. “what were we? Please tell me” she begs, sitting up more in her bed. “I- in love” I tell her the only thing I can. “Yes, but I want to know more, I want to remember things donghyuk, you don’t know what it’s like to recognize people and know who they are but not know why you do, it’s terrible, I don’t want to remember you as a bad guy who tore my heart out if I don’t know the significance of why I’m in so much heartache, do you understand? Donghyuk” she practically rants. I nod, thinking about all she has said. “I’m sorry” I apologize lowly under my breath. “I’m really sorry” I speak once again. Before I loose myself, I decide it’s best for me to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early, have a good night's rest, please, I’m sorry” I bid goodnight and leave without waiting for her response.

My head lay over my pillow, tears soaking into the material by now. My lamp lights up the room dimly. I can’t. I think to myself. I roll to my side. My eyes trace the diamond which shine in the light. Shaking my head I close the ring box, and place it back into my drawer. I shut off my light, darkening the room. “I just can’t”

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