Part Twelve: If Only You Knew

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I wince at the stinging pain running up my forearm from my palm as I run cold water over the small gashes the china left in my skin. Wrapping my hand in a bandage I let a few tears loose, each one falling one by one from my cheeks. I look up, leaning my weight on my uninjured hand. I look at my own reflection in the mirror ahead of me. My face swollen from my sobs, my eyes puffy and red from trying to stop my tears and my hair a tangled mess over my forehead. I sigh, my tears hulting. “You love her Donghyuk” I tell myself as if it’ll make her love me again. I walk from my washroom and to my bedroom. I head to my closet, opening the double doors with both hands. I begin pulling away sweaters and shirts that hang on the rack, throwing them over my shoulder and to the floor behind me. I reach in, grabbing the cardboard box I once swore not to open. I hold the box in my hands, and smile. I let out a sigh, placing the cardboard structure to my bed, and opening the top. My eyes look over my belongings which lay face up staring at me. I run my hand over the glass which cover the photograph that hung on my wall. I lift it, holding the frame with both hands. “We had fun” I speak, eyeing her beautiful image. I smile placing the photo to my comforter. I reach in, tugging out a large sweater, blue in colour. I pinch the shoulders taking a good look at it. I chuckle before hugging it tightly. “I miss our cuddles”. I pull out a few other items, all with meaningful memories attached to one of them, some of her and others not. My eyes move from item to item that lay on my bed. From the picture to my sweater to all the small birthday cards, our first christmas tree decoration, and a few polaroid photographs which always sat in a pile on my coffee table along with their camera. I push the box off to the side, causing it to tumble to the floor. I look to it, laying on it’s side. I lift the box to an upright position, a smaller box rolling out. My eyes widen at the satin blue box. For a moment I stare blankly, helplessly at the small ring box. I kneel, taking the box in hand. I sit back on my heels, my thumb running over the soft box top. “Madisen” my voice is barely audible. I open the box slowly revealing the sparkles of the delicate ring once made for her. I pinch the white gold band and remove the ring from it place. I rotate the ring in my fingers grasp, allowing the diamond to glimmer in the light. “If only you knew just how much you mean to me” I move resting my back to my bedframe. My eyes blink in hopes for tears but instead I just smile. The diamond between my fingers twinkling in the light. “If only you knew just how much I respect you, how much I care for you, how much I need you” my voice is quiet and ridden with a sense of regret. I don’t move my eyes off the rings shining exterior. “If only you knew how much I love you” I sigh, placing the ring back in it’s box and closing it shut. I lay my head back on my mattress, staring at the dark ceiling and exhale. “If only you knew”.

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