Chapter 21: Someone to Live for (2328 words)

Death Bed- Powfu, beabadoobee

“Yeah, I don't wanna fall asleep, I don't wanna pass away
I been thinking of our future 'cause I'll never see those days
I don't know why this has happened, but I probably deserve it
I tried to do my best, but you know that I'm not perfect
I been praying for forgiveness, you've been praying for my health
When I leave this earth, hopin' you'll find someone else
'Cause yeah, we still young, there's so much we haven't done
Getting married, start a family, watch your husband with his son
I wish it could be me, but I won't make it out this bed
I hope I go to heaven so I see you once again
My life was kinda short, but I got so many blessings
Happy you were mine, it that it's all ending”

A/N: If you are triggered by suicidal thoughts or panic attacks, maybe don't read this chapter or be careful :)

It was a fitful night. The pain was almost melodic, coming in waves, radiating from different areas of his body at different times. His mother had joined him in the room shortly after Wonwoo left. They had set up a cot for her in the side of the ICU room. They’d given him a large room this time. Wonwoo didn’t understand why she could stay but Mingyu couldn’t. Mingyu was on staff. More than that, Mingyu was family. Whoever had arranged that would be getting an earful when Wonwoo could talk again. Wonwoo would be sure to put it into writing that for all future events, Kim Mingyu was part of his family.

The morning could not have come soon enough. The clouds loomed large outside his window. Ominous, making him highly uncomfortable. He was still convinced he was in some weird dream. Maybe he’d fallen and hurt his feeling leg, and that was why he needed to be brought here and stay overnight. That didn’t explain why he’d been intubated. He’d only been intubated one other time before when he was in a coma for a few days in the early days of his diagnosis.

The rain resounded loudly outside the windows of the room, pounding out the sound of his heart loud in his ears. He couldn’t piece together what had placed him here in this bed, and it was frustrating. He felt an impending sense of doom, but assumed it was just his pessimistic struggle with depression.

The sun never truly rose outside his window, keeping the room dark in the way that the old Wonwoo would have loved. Wonwoo couldn’t really tell what day it was, or even what time it was for that matter. The tube in his throat made it hard to turn his head and his alarm clock was just slightly too far out of his range of vision. He felt completely disoriented and confused. He knew the issue on hand was likely far greater than he was letting himself admit. Yet, it was as if there was no true realization yet.

His door creaked open, and Wonwoo strained against the tube to try to see if Mingyu had come back yet. He gagged again, ready to have the tube removed. However, it wasn’t Mingyu who was at the door. It was his doctor, along with a nurse at his side. They told Wonwoo that they really shouldn’t remove the tube yet. Wonwoo’s heart rate rose and he coughed. He needed the thing out of his throat. He fought against it, trying to reach up to pull the tube out. The doctor grabbed his arm, and yelled something over to the nurse. A sweet smell grafted through the air, from the tube and Wonwoo felt dizzy, the world before him faded.

Wonwoo woke up again, glancing around the room. His heart beat wild as he realized he wasn’t in his own room like he had expected. He looked up around the room, seeing the familiar walls of the hospital. His throat hurt like a and he reached his hand up to his mouth, realizing the tube was no longer there. He turned to the right side of the room, but his mother’s cot nor his other were in the room any longer. The rain was still pouring outside, and Wonwoo was confused, even more disoriented than before.

A beeping sound came from the side of his bed, Wonwoo assumed this was to alert doctors and nurses that he was awake. A nurse walked in and came up to Wonwoo. She began to take his vitals. Wonwoo’s eyes screwed together. Where was Mingyu. He opened his mouth to ask the woman, but even with the tube removed, he couldn’t get any words to come out. He wondered if he was really awake or if this was all just some weird dream.

The nurse left and Wonwoo was alone again. He could sit up slightly, but other than that, his body was weak, and he could barely move. The anesthesia must not have completely worn off yet. He waited there for what seemed like several hours, but with the pouring rain outside Wonwoo couldn’t really tell. His alarm clock wasn’t on his bed side table and it was too dark in the room for Wonwoo to read the clock on the wall.

Another doctor came in, and Wonwoo cocked his head at the unfamiliar new doctor. A few nurses followed. Wonwoo’s mother came in last. Her swollen eyes refused to make eye contact with Wonwoo and suddenly the realization of how serious this all was hit Wonwoo.

The doctor explained to Wonwoo that he was a radiologist assigned to Wonwoo’s case. The lymphoma had spread to his lungs. Not just one of them, both of them, a massive tumor on the right lung and several small tumors in the left. It was the worst-case scenario. Wonwoo was officially stage 4. With his particular breed of Lymphoma, plus the spreading, plus the fact that Wonwoo could only live a few more weeks at most if he didn’t get a transplant, his survival rates were low at best. If they were able to find a donor, he would have a 20% chance of surviving the surgery, depending on how quickly and how much his lungs were working when they found a donor. Even if he survived th