There is only one thing in the world I hate more than myself; the feeling of heartache because the one you like is dating someone else, oblivious to your pain. Especially when you see him everyday and you see him with her everyday. All the time, talking, chatting and even kissing. Because he doesn’t notice the way I grimace or tear up, the way I disappear to the bathroom when he brings her over and come back out with red rimmed eyes. The way I cry myself quietly to sleep, having mastered the art of silent crying with someone else sleeping in your room.

And he never notices.

Maybe you’re wondering why I haven’t told him. Maybe you think I’m a coward, but I have a good reason to not tell him.

I’m a male, guy, man, bro, boy and whatever other words you call men. I know it’s not much of a big deal because I know one of my other friends, Min Yoongi, loves one of my other friends, but to me it’s a big deal. It’s one of those things you try so hard to not believe but you have to believe it in the end or it’ll be too hard to live with in the future. No one knows about my feelings for my best friend, Park Jimin, besides my other best friend, Jeon Jungkook. He’s been there for me the whole time and he is my support. Though some things I keep from him because I don’t want him to know how much he affects me. I’m so pathetic. I don’t want him to hate me.

But I can’t deal with it, so I drown myself in music and songs. I write songs full of nonexistent hope, and I write songs about heartbreak. And every single song I have ever written is about him. Why did he have to affect me so much? Even when he wasn’t there. All I want is his attention, I want to be the one he smiles so brightly at, I want to be the one who gets to wake up to his sleepy face every morning, I want to be the one who gets to kiss him like it’s no big deal. But that’s the one person I’ll never be. I’ll never be enough, for him or anyone else.

When he brought her home, I nearly confessed my feelings to him. Just seeing him hold her hands and smile with her, just seeing him invite her out with him on our fun days. All those fun days ruined because of that girl. Choi Raesun.

“-hyung. Taehyung!” Jeon Jungkook, my best friend, shouts, waving his hands in front of my eyes to get my attention. I let out a sigh and eye him questioningly, looking past his concern with a shrug. He stares at me with this look that say explain now. He’s always been good at reading me like an open book. I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder, letting him wrap his arms around my shoulders.

“I hate him so much, Kookie. I know I should try harder to let go but… The heart wants what it wants,” I whisper, trying to shake off the feeling of helplessness seeping into my soul. I’m so at mercy with my feelings. My brain keeps telling me to give up but my heart wants to continue, even if things get bad. Eventually things get better, eventually they get worse. Jungkook squeezes me tightly and rests his forehead on my head, nuzzling my hair with brotherly affection.

“Things get worse before they get better, but the end result is worth it. Maybe all this pain is crippling, maybe it makes you feel pathetic, and maybe you can’t stand it, but you make everyday worth it, you make everyday something. If the pain gets too much… I don’t think I’ll get in trouble if I accidentally commit murder against a certain Park Jimin,” Jungkook murmurs, passion in his voice. I laugh softly, thinking about how Jungkookie that sounded.

I close my eyes and lean closer to him, a sad smile on my lips. He hugs me back tighter, rubbing my shoulder gently, reassuring me with his small gestures.

We both close our eyes, lost in our own thoughts, until the door opens and laughter fills the air. I feel Jungkook jerk up and I open my eyes, heart shattering at the sight in front of me. Jungkook’s arm around my waist tightens, squeezing me. My eyes fill with tears and I bury my head into Jungkook’s chest.

Jimin and Raesun are holding hands, laughing with eachother, oblivious to our presence until Jungkook grunts and gains Jimin’s attention. He turns around with wide eyes, smiling wider when he sees us. Until he sees my expression, my lower lip trembling and my eyes teary. Worry fills his eyes and he stops smiling, taking a step forward.

‘Keep smiling Jimin, I don’t want to be the one who causes you pain.’

Jimin tries to step forward but Jungkook glares at him hotly, anger in his gaze. Raesun is busy pulling on Jimin’s arm, unaware of the battle going on until Jungkook turns on her and gives her a mocking smile.

I can tell Jungkook has finally snapped on pretending everything is okay. I probably have too, if my meaningless crying means anything. I’m soaking Jungkook’s