There are moments when I really hate myself. Well, this moment was one of those. It was Monday morning and our first class was in a lab. We had a lot of experiments to conduct and everyone was buzzing around the lab, hurrying to get all the chemicals needed. One of the guys from our group, Jongdae, nudged Minseok, my crush, and winked at him. 

"I saw you yesterday at the mall with Youngji. Were you two on a date?"

Hearing the word "date", I froze. Did Minseok have a girlfriend? I made a few steps towards the two. They were working in a pair. Pretending that I was pouring something in my test tube, my ears perked up to listen to their conversation.

Minseok grinned. "Well, you caught me. Yes, we were on a date. She is my girlfriend."

I almost dropped the test tube and stepped back, returning to my assigned partner. It took me a lot to stop my tears from falling. I was such a fool. How in the world could I think that a boy like Minseok could like me? He was a nice guy, a great student, calm and very handsome. I hated myself even more when I thought about the letter in my bag. A letter I wrote for him, for Minseok.Stupid me and my brain. Stupid Jangmi for telling me to try, to make the first step. 

The only thing I wanted to do after my classes was to see Jangmi. But she was busy, telling me that she had to see Chanyeol. Stupid Chanyeol. Now I had no one to talk to. My roomate was not the right person to talk to, because we were so different. And plus, she was older than me, she would probably laugh at me.
I suddenly felt hungry and decided to go to the cafeteria. I wasn't in the mood to actually cook something. The food in the cafeteria wasn't the best, but it was good. Unfortunately for me, it was full. I barely found an empty spot. I ate slowly, not looking up.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" 

I looked up hearing the voice. A guy was looking at me with his tray in his hands. The seat next to me was empty.

"No, have a seat." He muttered a thanks and I returned to my food. 

"Can you pass me the salt?" I heard the guy next to me say and I looked up, thinking that he was asking me. The guy who sat across him passed him the salt and my gaze stayed a little longer on him. He looked oddly familliar to me. I was probably staring at him for too long because he made eye contact with me and frowned.

"What are you looking at, huh?" he barked at me. The rest of the people at the table turned to us.Taken back by his harsh tone, I gulped and lowered my head. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" the guy next to me asked him and he only scoffed in response.

I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. They just kept welling and at one moment I let them out. I lowered my head even more, hair covering half of my face. I just wanted to hide. The whole day was awful. First, my roomate came back to our room at 4 pm completely drunk. I took care of her, but of course couldn't fall asleep later. Second, when I was about to exit the dorm, our doorman scolded me for playing music loudly last night, but apologized later realizing that he mixed me up with Im Chaerin from the third floor. Coming to college, I found out that my crush has a girlfriend and now, a random stranger lashes out on me in the cafeteria. It couldn't get worse.

I choked out a sob. This was getting dangerous now. I didn't want to cry in the middle of the cafeteria. That would be really embarrassing. I wiped my tears away hastly and picked up my stuff and my tray. I didn't dare to look up and face that guy again.

"Dude, you should apologize", I heard the other guy saying.

I scurried away quickly. Leaving the cafeteria, I took a deep breath. Why was all of this happening? Why to me, of all people in this world?

Arriving at the dorm, I heaved a huge sigh of relief because my roomate wasn't here. She left me a note, saying that she would spend the night at her boyfriend's. Great. I could cry in peace.

Was this the best thing I could do? It certainly wasn't, drowning in my own tears, but I didn't know any other way to let out my frustration and sadness. I opened the window to let some fresh air in and I heard sounds coming from the outside. People were having fun, music blasting from the speakers. Why couldn't I be like those people? Why couldn't I just relax for once in my life? Because I wasn't like them. I didn't like to go out and hang out with people who only talked about the parties they had been to, or how drunk they got. Because I didn't want to be a part of a group, a clicque or a gang. I just wanted to find my own place, a place where I would be happy.

This wasn't about Minseok, or college, or the fact that my family was miles away from me, it was all about me. I was growing up and it hurt. The loneliness, the everyday duties, it was maybe too much, but I was aware that I had to learn how to deal with it.

That's why I decided to write something. A letter, actually. Another one that I wouldn't send, but still, writing helped. It never failed me. I quickly got up from the bed and grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper.

"Dear Minseok..."