Baekhyun POV

I pulled away from the kiss, letting my arms fall back to sides, and turning slightly away from him. Kissing him felt nice and I felt like I might be able to do this. Live. With Chanyeol. I refused to hide my feelings any longer from him.

I turned my head to face him, searching for an expression on his face. He looked at me blankly, his cheeks red, his eyes heavy, not a good sign.

“I need to be left alone,” he said, his eyes looked wide, like a deer caught in the headlights, like he couldn’t straighten things out. I couldn’t tell whether kissing him made it better or worse in his eyes, but I assumed it only did damage considering he didn’t want me here.

I didn’t want to leave him alone. I wanted to stay here, our arms wrapped around each other, my head on his shoulder. And we could walk home holding hands, and everything would be okay. But you can’t leave yourself wanting what the other person doesn’t. I could imagine that everything okay all I wanted but that wouldn’t make it okay.

“Okay,” I said and I did leave him alone, “come back home soon,” I spoke, standing up, hoping my words would bring him home to me. He had to come home to me. Our fingers brushed as I walked away from the bench, and I longed to hold his hand for just a little bit, to stay with him just a little longer, but I kept waking. After a few steps, I turned around, “I love you,” I spoke. He didn’t look up and I just continued walking, wishing I would’ve stayed, but not changing my mind.

Come home to me soon, Chanyeol. Please...

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Chanyeol POV

I watched him walking away, blonde hair blowing in the wind, hands empty at his sides. He looked exhausted. I was exhausted, too. My cheeks were warm from when he his hand had held them and my fingertips were cold. I was void of feeling and speaking was hard so I didn’t say anything back.

Should I have made him stay?

Probably.

It was best for me, best for him, for him to stay here with me, but my mind was telling me no. I had to be alone right now.

My eyelids felt heavy and I finally let them close. They shut with ease this time. I almost fell asleep in the calm frigidness of the slightly windy air but decided I couldn’t let myself drift off. There would be plenty of time to rest soon.

I won’t be seeing him at home...

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Baekhyun POV

It wasn’t far to walk home, but I was exhausted and I didn’t really want to be home. Besides, Chanyeol probably wouldn’t be going back home or a while anyways. I had a while for myself. Everything at home felt stuffy and too familiar. Home was empty when I knew he wouldn’t be there with me. So, I strayed away from our apartment for now.

It was getting harder to breathe by the minute. I had gone too long without eating. Much too long for me to be still functioning, it seemed. Everything about my body was slow but it seemed to be working quickly in overtime. I powered through it. I had a reason to stay. I had to live today. I had to live to be with Chanyeol. Even if he didn’t want me now, I still would live to be there for him.

I had been walking a long time and I honestly didn’t know how I was still standing at this point. My body seemed colder than the frigid air I was walking through but I had finally reached the studio. I hadn’t really specifically decided on going there, it just seemed to be where my body took me.

Of course, I always thought of the apartment I shared with Chanyeol as home, but the studio was also home. And it was also more of a home to Chanyeol. If he could go here when he was stressed, maybe it would offer some sort of relief for me. Although I couldn’t sing, just being here seemed to be enough to offer me something. Maybe Chanyeol wouldn’t go to our apartment, but it seemed likely he would come to the recording studio, his other home.

I went in sat in the chair by the recording equipment. I had spent a lot of time here, hours I wouldn’t have wanted to spend anywhere else. Hours writing music by Chanyeol’s and the member’s sides.

I stayed there, thinking, for a long time. I was too weak to move. I hoped that Chanyeol would come here and we would find each other. I was prepared to stop distancing myself from his help. I wanted to be with him.

I wanted my friends, I wanted my family, I wanted to sing, and I wanted to cry. And most of all, I wanted Chanyeol…

“Baek?”

I knew that voice but it wasn’t Chanyeol like I had been wishing. It was Suho. My vision was blurred slightly but I looked up and saw him walking towards me, Kai trailing behind him. They had just walked out of the dance studio. I thought nobody would be here at this time, it was late, but I guess that they had been working on choreography.

“Baek what are you doing here so late?” I sat up a little, facing them.

I wanted to tell them that I was okay and I was just working on music, but the words didn’t want to come out.

“He doesn’t look very well,” Kai said to Suho. And they were right, my body wanted to give up on me even if this was the one time where I didn’t want it to give up on me.

“Baek, what’s wrong?” Kai asked me.

Again, the words wouldn’t come.

Suho came closer to me, feeling my cheek and forehead.

“You’re so cold. Baek? What happened?”

He took my wrist and felt my pulse.

“His pulse is slow,” he said, looking at Kai, his eyes filled with worry that I felt bad for causing, “We have to take him to a hospital.”

He helped me stand up but this time the fuzzy, black, dots wouldn’t go away and I fell to the floor, passing out.

Not again.

This time, Chanyeol wasn’t here to save me...

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Chanyeol POV

The top of the of the bridge wasn’t far from the bench on the edge of the river where I had been sitting on the bench, so that’s where I went. I stood up and just kept walking until I made it to the bridge. Everything felt numb, like I wasn’t really the one controlling my own body. My legs were moving but it was like I wasn’t the one controlling them. I placed all the focus that was left in me on to breathing, trying to breathe normally, but even breathing was hard to focus on. It felt like I wasn’t myself but maybe this was completely and entirely my actual self. Maybe this was the way it was fated to be.

I had walked across this bridge countless times. By myself. With him. It was a large bridge and very sturdy. It was just a bridge to walk across, cars not allowed. It was usually littered with people walking, enjoying the day. Even in winter, people enjoyed being up here. But nobody was walking on it today. It was too cold and dreary for anyone to want to be up here, anyways. Out of the number of times I had walked this bridge, alone and with others, none had felt nearly as lonely as this time.

When I had walked halfway across the bridge, I stopped, taking in all of my surroundings. The world seemed completely empty at that moment. It was quiet, as if I was the only person left in the world. I heard nothing but the splash of water below and the slow in and out of my breathing. I stepped towards the edge, near the railing, looking down at the water, wildly blown by the wind.  The river was full of rocks, jutting out in every direction. The water seemed to whisper my name.

My phone started ringing. I ignored it.

I stepped on the railing, making sure to be careful of my footing. I didn’t want to slip. I stood up straight, shoulders back, facing toward the river, arms out. I closed my eyes, taking in every sound, every breeze across my face. And for a second, I felt free. But the feeling left and left me alone, standing on the bridge, feeling small and alone and empty.

My phone rang again. I pulled it out of my pocket this time. Suho. I ignored it and went to my contacts. I found Baekhyun’s name and pressed voicemail. I held the phone up to my face, “I love you too,” I whispered. I pressed send and dropped the phone into the river, watching it smash against the rocks, the pieced glittering the rushing water.

And then I let myself fall.

Goodbye Baek…

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Baekhyun POV

2 days in the hospital. It had been 2 days. 2 days without a word from Chanyeol.

I was better. I was getting better. This time, I was going to be better. But I couldn’t do anything if I didn’t know if he was okay. I thought that he would be the first one here, to help me. He was always here for me. I guess I had become so much of a burden, he didn’t feel like saving me anymore. Did I really deserve it though? Did I deserve his saving?

The doctor had told me that my heartbeat had slowed so much that I would’ve died soon if I hadn’t gotten help. Suho had saved me by bringing me to the hospital. But I couldn’t help but think that it would’ve been better if Chanyeol had been the one to save me. I couldn’t help but feel that it didn’t happen the way it was supposed to. Chanyeol was supposed to be here. But he wasn’t. If he wasn’t here, then where was he?

All I wanted right now was for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel his fingers run through my hair. And I wanted to hear his voice mixed with mine, to sing with him again.

Suho had been trying to call Chanyeol ever since he had taken me to the hospital 2 days ago. There had been no reply. Chanyeol? Where are you? I need you.

“Baek?” It was Suho, walking into my room. His eyes and cheeks were red and puffy. .

“What’s wrong?” I said, and I was worried. I hadn’t ever seen Suho cry in the years I had known him. Chanyeol...please tell me Chanyeol is okay...

He shook his head, as if to let me know that it was bad news.

“It’s Chanyeol…”

And it felt as if my oxygen had been taken away… Not Chanyeol. Not him. Where was he? What happened? Why isn’t he here?

“Suho, tell me what happened,” I said, trying to hold back tears, failing miserably. My mind felt heavy. My limbs felt like dead weight.

“He’s gone...h-he..”

“Suho...”

“He’s dead,” and I could tell he found it hard to stand, hard to speak.

And was as if at that moment, my world stopped.

“I thought you should be the first to know.”

“Yeah....” I said blankly

“It was suicide,” Suho said.

I didn’t know what to say. I was so focused on being saved that I couldn’t save him. Why did I ever leave him there on that bench? Alone? If I would’ve stayed it would all be okay. If I would’ve stayed he would be here. If I had only stayed...

“He left a message on your phone. I figured you should listen to it alone. I know you’re not supposed to have your phone right now, but I thought you would want to hear it.”

I took the phone from him. And I broke down crying when I saw his name on the screen.

Voicemail from Chanyeol

It took all I had to press play on that screen, to know that this was the last time he would be speaking to me.

“I love you, too,” I heard his deep voice, matched with a waver in his breathing, a soft whisper, my tears falling heavier. But I wanted more. I couldn’t help it. It was only four words. I wanted more. I wanted him to talk forever. To tell me why. To tell me he was still alive and safe. To give me a chance to save him. I just wanted him to be here, alive.

And I broke, “Chanyeol, I love you too. I love you so much,” I said aloud, nobody to hear me. But somehow, if it were possible, I hoped he had heard my words.
 

It didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be real.

Chanyeol...Why did you have to leave?