A/N: So, basically I feel like this Halsey lyric fits this chapter really well so here you go:

"All we do is drive. All we do is think about the feelings that we hide." 

Baekhyun’s POV

I couldn’t sleep that night. My head hurt. All I could think about was what I said. How I never saw the look on his face when I turned around.

I hurt Chanyeol, something I never wanted to do, but something I had to do. I had to keep a distance from him.

Every time I thought about it, I felt the uncontrollable urge to cry, to go apologize to him, let him know that I was so sorry, and that I felt the same way about him, to let him know the truth. But I couldn’t. Even though it was all I could think about, I had to act like it never happened.

Why?

Because Chanyeol deserved better than me.

It’s not like I didn’t like Chanyeol. I loved him. That kiss felt unbearably right and I couldn’t help myself but to kiss him back. But I couldn’t have it. We couldn’t.

He would eventually move on. He would find someone worlds better than me and he would be happy.

I didn’t want face him but at the same time I so desperately wanted to face him. I knew when I had to see him, I would have to keep quiet no matter how hard I wanted to apologize and hug him and kiss him again and again and again. I would act like it never happened, no matter how much it hurt. He would get over it. I would get over it. We would get over it.

I had been sitting in my bed, awake and crying, for hours. It was 10 a.m.  My throat was dry, my cheeks raw from wiping away tears. My joints were sore and my mind wasn’t even close to being clear. I didn’t think it would ever be at this point.

I finally got up and left my room, going straight to the bathroom to shower, hoping that maybe a shower would cleanse me of some of the guilt I was feeling.

The water was cold, not that it made much of a difference, I didn’t feel capable of feeling any warmth at the moment. The shower was short because I couldn’t stand shivering like that for much longer, not matter how right it did feel to be cold.

I went to my room to get dressed, not bothering to comb my hair or wear nice clothing, slipping into sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

As I walked to the kitchen, I passed by Chanyeol’s room, noticing the door was open and I didn’t see him inside. I pushed the door fully open and stepped inside, making sure he was nowhere to be found. I sat on his bed. I felt tense, as if he was watching. I didn’t want him to catch me because that would mean facing him and the look on his face would be more than I could handle at the moment.

His room was neither messy nor clean, just a few things here and there. He had a few vanilla scented candles, the same scent I wore on my neck. There were piles of clothes which I assumed were in some messy form of organization only Chanyeol had the capability of understanding.  

I lay down on his bed. His comforter was soft and it smelled like him, a smell that I couldn’t quite describe besides just saying it smelled like Chanyeol. Laying on his pillow felt like home but I knew this was just making it worse, making me feel worse about what I had done. I shouldn’t be here.

I left his room and walked around the apartment, checking the kitchen, living room, and bathroom, looking for Chanyeol but he was nowhere to be found. He must’ve left because he didn’t want to see me.

I went to find my phone to text Kyungsoo. My phone was still sitting on the couch, there since last night, battery almost empty. Kyungsoo always seemed to be hanging out with Chanyeol. I figured he would know where Chanyeol was if he wasn’t actually with him at the moment or at least he would be able to find out where Chanyeol was. Chanyeol was probably using everything in his current power to avoid me, and I didn’t blame him. However, I at least had to make sure that Chanyeol was safe, I couldn’t ignore his well being when he had spent so much time making sure of mine.

I found Kyungsoo in my contacts list and typed out a message:

Hey, do you know where Chanyeol is?

I didn’t know how Chanyeol was currently reacting but I could only hope it wasn’t absolutely terrible. I felt like such a terrible human being. I was a terrible human being. Last night was all the more of a reason why Chanyeol didn’t deserve me.

I got myself a glass of water and lay on the couch, turning on the tv to watch whatever happened to be on, knowing well that I couldn’t really pay attention to any tv show at the moment. There was too much on my mind to distract me from it.

About 5 minutes later I received a reply from Kyungsoo:

He’s at the studio with me. He seems to want to be left alone. I’m about to leave the studio. Why?

I replied right away:
 

Just wondering. He didn’t tell me he left.

I received a worried reply from Kyungsoo:

Everything okay with you two?

I hesitated only slightly before sending a reply:

Yeah, of course. :)

When Chanyeol was stressed or had something on his mind, he tended to put all his effort into his music. Although I hated seeing him sad or stressed, I had to admit that it truly made for some good songwriting. It wasn’t a surprise that he was at the studio. I knew I shouldn’t bother him at the moment so I let it go. At least I knew where he was for the moment. I tried to relax but it wasn’t going to happen. I was on edge and the empty feeling in my chest didn’t seem to be going away anytime soon.

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Chanyeol’s POV

I checked my phone for the first time since I woke up this morning. It was 5:00 p.m. I had been at the studio all day, trying to work on music, getting up early in the morning to avoid Baekhyun. Avoiding him was usually the last thing I would ever want to do but I had a right to be selfish at the moment. I needed to calm down. I needed to forget about kissing him so that maybe we could go back to the way our friendship was before last night. With the way I was feeling now, it seemed unlikely. But I knew that I eventually had to try.

I had gotten some songwriting done. Kyungsoo had tried to help me with some lyrics but I told him I wanted to be left alone. I hated the song I had written. It wasn’t that bad. Maybe I was overreacting. But I couldn’t help but think that Baekhyun’s voice would sound perfect singing it. And that was the last thing I wanted to think about right now. Baekhyun usually helped me with lyrics, too. Although Kyungsoo was good help sometimes, also. I hadn’t talked to Baekhyun since last night. It felt like longer but I wasn’t about to reach out to him now that I was so sure that he didn’t love me the way that I loved him.

I had to get out of here. I couldn’t stand being cooped up in my studio for this long when I could think about was him. Before, spending a day in the studio, working on music, never failed to make me feel better. It didn’t take much to bring me back to my usual happy self. But this time…this time I couldn’t shake the feeling that Baekhyun had left me in. Not even music, my happy place, could fix it.

I couldn’t stay in this city, couldn’t be anywhere near where Baekhyun was right now. There was no way I could get over him if we had to sleep in the same house tonight. I didn’t have much of a solution to this problem. If I was going somewhere far, I would have to go home to get some things. But I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have many doubts that Baekhyun was still in the apartment.

So I just got in my car and drove, taking nothing but myself and the money left in my pocket with me. There was nothing on our schedule for the week. We had a few days off, so there wasn’t anything stopping me. Nothing willed me to turn around and I was glad for it.  

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I drove in silence, the calming sound of my car running against the road making my nerves ever so slightly diminished. The roads were calm, it seemed to me as if nobody else was driving. I didn’t have to slow down once. Tree after tree, car after car, gas station after gas station I just kept breathing, eyes open, my foot on the gas pedal. They all passed me but I kept looking forward, trying to think of nothing, trying to leave my mind a blank slate. It was almost working.

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I had been driving for 5 hours when I finally pulled into a rest stop. I was tired, barely able to keep my eyes open anymore, and I needed water. I reached to grab my phone and check to see if anyone had texted me but I realized I had left my phone at the studio. I didn’t even care. I didn’t really want to be contacted anyways. I felt better being alone right now.

But I had a small amount of worry welling in the pit of my stomach. For Baekhyun. I wasn’t there to take care of him. He was alone. And he might be doing fine. I hoped he was doing fine. But in reality he probably wasn’t.

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I slept in my car that night, though my sleep was mostly restless. No matter how tired I thought I was, my eyes had to be forced shut or they wouldn’t close at all. It was slightly chilly and I was too tall for the confined space of my small vehicle, making my legs cramp up and my left foot kept falling asleep. It wasn’t comfortable but right now it would have to do. It was better than trying to act like I was fine in the same apartment as Baekhyun.

But at about 2 am I decided that there wasn’t any use in trying to sleep anymore. It wasn’t going to happen.

I drove again, this time towards home, my head pounding, my mouth dry.

I the radio to drown out any of my thoughts, turning the volume up with every mile, my ears pounding from the noise but I was feeling numb to it. The night was calming but eery and the loud music made me feel safer, less alone.

But let’s face it, I was alone. Not just now. Sure, I had friends but my best friend and the person I was closest to in the world was Baekhyun. And I ruined that. It couldn’t be normal again after what happened, could it? And it was all because of me. Painstakingly my fault.

I hadn’t cried since Baekhyun had rejected my kiss but it finally hit me when the radio started playing one of our songs, the one where Baekhyun sang most of the way. His voice like white chocolate and honey. Soundwaves that made my skin go warm and my thoughts travel to his messy hair and soft lips. And this song still meant that. But this time it felt different. It felt like the chocolate went bitter and his lips went dry. But my eyes blurred and that’s when I let myself cry, barely able to see where I was driving, but keeping speed. Because that’s what I had to do. I just had to keep going, even if I was unsure of what was was in front of me. Even if I longed even more for what was behind me.

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I didn’t stop the car until I went to the studio to get my phone. My eyes were clear but it was raining outside, a cold rain that made my skin shiver in the absence of my jacket.

I ran inside the studio trying not to get wet by the rain, trying to cover myself with my bare arms, but failing impossibly. After entering, I reached up to feel my hair. It seemed that not a drop of rain had missed my head, the water from hair dripping down my neck and onto my white t-shirt, making me even colder. My lips were shaking a bit and my t-shirt was too thin to offer any extra warmth. I just wanted to lay in my warm bed, to spend eternity in a pile of blankets and pillows.  

I was still standing by the door, looking up and wiping off my face, wet from the rain and beginning to look around one side of the studio for my phone.

“You look cold,” I jumped at the sound of someone’s voice, not expecting anyone to be here. It was Suho, looking prim and proper as ever.

“Uhhh... yeah. The rain…”

I continued to look for my cellphone, moving and picking up objects to check for it, not remembering exactly where I had left it because the morning was slightly fuzzy in my mind.

“Looking for this?” Suho pulled my phone out of his pocket, holding it up.

“Oh, yeah, thanks.” I said, taking the phone from him and checked the screen. I was glad and also surprised that it wasn’t dead. I saw a lot of text notifications but I just shut of the screen and slipped the phone in the pocket of my jeans, planning on checking it later, and looking back up at Suho.

“Why’re you here? It’s late. Shouldn’t you be getting your beauty rest?” I questioned Suho.

“Baek called Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo told me to check on you. I assumed you’d be here,” he paused for a second, waiting to see if I had a reply before he spoke again, “You going home now?”

“I don’t think so,” I said, looking at the floor and scratching the back of my neck, “I can’t right now.”

“You look tired, Chanyeol. How about you come to my house?,” It was more of a command than a question. He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the door. I didn’t argue with him. I wanted a place to stay anyways. Somewhere to sleep besides my own apartment.

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“Here,” Suho said handing me a towel and a pile of what I assumed were Sehun’s clothes, “go take a shower.”

I listened and walked toward the bathroom. I was actually glad to take a shower although not being in my left me with a longing.

I removed my clothing and looked at my face in the mirror. My eyes were droopy, under eyes dark and hollow. The color had left my cheeks, not that there was ever much to begin with. My black hair only made more of a contrast to my slightly pale skin and dark circles. I looked tired and slightly sick. I clearly needed a rest.

The water was so warm against my skin. I turned it up as far as it would go. No matter how much it burned my skin, it wasn’t hot enough. I stood there under the water, letting my skin turning red for a good ten minutes, focusing on nothing but the numbing feeling of the water against my skin.

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Feeling clean, and slightly odd wearing someone else’s clothes, I went to sit on the couch where Sehun and Suho were sitting. I could tell that they were trying to act like they hadn’t been waiting for me.

I sat down on the chair opposite the couch, across from where Suho and Sehun were so obviously wrapped in each other’s arms.

I knew that Suho would have to ask me what happened. He obviously knew something was up and “having a bad day” wasn’t going to be an allowable excuse. But I trusted Suho and I knew he would keep Sehun’s blabber mouth shut.

“Chanyeol, what happened?” Sehun asked, Suho slapping him for being so blunt.

“We can’t force you to tell us but you better tell us, Chanyeol,” Suho added.

I thought about telling them I didn’t want to talk about it but that was a lie. I always wanted to talk and maybe it would relieve some of the pain to talk to someone. And they would make me talk eventually. So I told them.

“I kissed Baek,” I spoke very quietly and looked down, beginning to pick at the lint on the sweatpants I was wearing. My nerves were making my hands shake but I just focused on my breathing.

“ing finally,” Sehun said. Suho slapped him again to which Suho replied, “Well we all knew it was going to happen!”

“And then??? Chanyeol, you can’t leave us hanging like this” Suho questioned, pretty much on the edge of his seat with anticipation.

“H-he kissed me back.”

There was a slight pause with looks of confusion on their faces, noticing that something wasn’t quite matching up.

“Then why don’t you look happy? Why aren’t you with him right now? Where is Baekhyun? Is he okay? Are you okay?” Suho looked genuinely worried.

“Suho! Calm yourself,” Sehun said, using his hand to cover Suho’s mouth and stop his blabbering, “but seriously Chanyeol, what the happened.”

I sighed much louder than I had expected myself to, and began to speak, barely getting the words out because I didn’t want to say them and I didn’t want to even think about it, “He said we were just friends…” I was pinching the skin around my wrist, a nervous habit I had, making my skin turn flash white and then turn reddish-pink, “I haven’t seen him since then.”

“That little….” Sehun looked flustered, “You know he has to be lying, right? He likes you back in a more-than-friends kind of way. It’s so obvious.”

“Clearly not,” I said, keeping my head down, my wrist turning redder the more I pinched it, “or he wouldn’t have reason to say that to me, would he?”
 

“You haven’t even seen him at all?” Sehun asked, “Like, not even when you left your apartment?”

Suho joined in, “Yeah, where were you all this time?”

“I went to the studio. Kyungsoo was there for a bit. Then I just drove. Slept in my car. Back to the studio to get my phone. Now I’m here.”

“You could’ve at least told someone you left,” Suho replied, like a worried mother.

“As you already know, my phone was at the studio and besides, I didn’t want anyone to bother me.”

“Alright,” Suho said, not happy with my answer but still glad I was okay, “Well, I’m making some rice. And Chanyeol?”

“Yeah?”

“Break ends tomorrow. We have practice. Baekhyun will be there. You can’t ignore him.”

“Unfortunately.”

“Chanyeol, I listened to some of the music you were writing before you showed up to the studio earlier.”

“Oh god. Was it really that terrible?”

“No, it was good. In fact, I think you and Baekhyun should sing it, as a duet. We can use it on our next album.”

I looked him, eyes pleading, “I can’t, Suho…”

“You can, Chanyeol. And you’re going to. We’re recording tomorrow after practice. I want to see you and Baekhyun there.”

“But I can’t sing…”

“Chanyeol, you’re singing the duet with Baekhyun.”

“Alright then. I’m singing the duet with Baekhyun.”