Baekhyun POV

My limbs felt impossibly heavy, barely liftable when I woke up in the morning to get ready for practice. Well, I wasn’t exactly waking up. I had been awake for a while. I couldn’t sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time when I was in a constant state of worry about Chanyeol, making sure I would be awake if he happened to come home.

I had practice in 30 minutes. I think we were recording today. I knew Chanyeol would be there and I would just have to deal with it. I wanted him home no matter how scary the thought of seeing him again seemed.

I found it hard to distinguish between the shaking of anxiety and the shaking of hunger. The two feelings were different, but when mixed together created a feeling entirely new. It made you unable to focus on much else. But the hunger and anxiety were all the fault of myself. I didn’t have to cause myself trouble but for some reason I did. I was stupid.

I dressed in plain old black sweatpants and a baggy white t-shirt. I put on a beanie so that I wouldn’t have to do anything with my hair. I didn’t want to put any effort into anything let alone straightening my hair. I didn’t feel motivated enough to put any concealer on so I just skipped it. My undereye circles were clearly standing out but it didn’t matter.  

I filled my water bottle and slipped on my pair of black Nike’s before heading out the door.

It was weird driving. Driving alone.  I had my own car and everything but usually Chanyeol and I would go everywhere together since we had the same schedule and everything. It was the most convenient. Lately, he had been always the one to drive. He was always worrying about me. He was better at focusing on the road than I was anyways so I willingly let him drive even though I didn’t want him to have to take care of me. He seemed at peace when he was driving anyways.  

Chanyeol hadn’t come home last night. Or the night before. I knew because I hadn’t even moved from the couch except to get water or go to the bathroom for the two days. Kyungsoo had come over one of the days and tried to pry from me why I was acting so dreary but he wasn’t a pushy person and I was stubborn enough to keep it to myself. So, Kyungsoo’s visit was short and mostly him sitting on the opposite end of the couch, comforting me with his silence, while I longed for Chanyeol’s silence. I hoped Chanyeol was safe.

I arrived at the studio and I checked the time. I was early, as always, anxious about being late for anything. I walked through the front doors, and as expected Suho was already there, waiting for all the members to arrive, a very tired looking Sehun resting a head on his shoulder while Suho was trying to get some work done, sorting some papers. Probably sheet music. In the other corner sat Chanyeol, also looking at sheet music. I avoided looking in his direction and he avoided looking in mine. Chanyeol wasn’t usually a person to arrive on time when he was by himself so I assumed he had spent the night at Suho’s place. I was relieved that he had a safe place to sleep. Although all of this could’ve been solved if I hadn’t been such an . If I would’ve just accepted the ki--. No. I didn’t deserve him. He would move on and find someone that was worthy of him.

My thoughts were interrupted by Suho, “Baekhyun,” he said, motioning for me to come towards him. I walked in his over to the section of the floor he was sitting on, sitting down next to him and setting my water bottle on the floor.

He quickly gave me some instructions, “We’re gonna work on vocals today while Kai and Lay work in the dance studio choreographing a new number for all 12 of us.”
 

“Okay,” I nodded my head.

“We need to get everything together quick. Our comeback is scheduled very soon. Just look over the sheet music and I sent you the background tracks. We’re gonna go over all of them today and then when we come back I want them to be mostly memorized.”

“Yeah, how much singing do I have?”

“Quite a bit but I think you can handle it. I gave the high notes to you and Jongdae mostly. Kyungsoo and you have most of the melodies. Also, one of the songs you have is a duet with Chanyeol.”

My stomach dropped at the last bit but I just nodded and sat down to practice. It was just singing. It didn’t matter with who. I just had to focus on singing. I was good at singing. Suho said I could handle it. I could handle it.

------------------------

Chanyeol POV

“Okay guys, I think we’ve got enough down for today. Keep practicing.” Kai said, letting us go from dance rehearsal. The new choreography seemed harder than ever and I kept getting caught on my long limbs. I tried but I knew that they would end up making me dance in the back and I guess I was okay with that. I could accept my blatant inability to be graceful on the dancefloor.

It seemed as if rehearsal had lasted for an eternity and I was so tired. Rehearsing for a comeback was not as easy as some people thought it was. It was tons of work and hours of rehearsal time. But as much as it was stressful, I couldn’t stop. I loved it too much. Music was my heart and soul.

Just when we thought we were done for the night, Suho spoke up, “Kai and Sehun, I need you to stay here to work on a dance duet and Baekhyun and Chanyeol you stay to work on the vocals for your duet.”

My limbs ached and I was hungry but I wasn’t about to say no to Suho. I started heading to the recording studio where Baekhyun was headed but Kai stopped me, “Chanyeol.”
 

“Yeah, what’s up.”

“Is Baekhyun okay?” He looked worried.

“I think so, why?” I lied. Baekhyun was probably not okay.

“He just doesn’t seem to have as much energy as he usually has when dancing. I would keep an eye on him.”
 

“Yeah. Of course.”

I should’ve know Baekhyun wouldn’t have eaten when I wasn’t there for him. I would have to go home tonight. I couldn’t leave Baekhyun to himself for any longer. I wanted to go home, too.

The eating disorder or whatever it was, it was now seriously affecting him. And I was too in my own head to even notice these past couple of days. How could I do this? How could I leave him alone when I knew what he was going through? It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t want to kiss me. I shouldn’t have put that pressure on him.

I put the thought away in my mind to deal with later. Right now, I had to focus on singing. As much as I could, at least. My voice was like a dying rat compared to Baekhyun’s honey sounding voice. I wasn’t meant to sing. I wrote the music. My voice wasn’t good enough to sing it. I forever will question why SM even let me debut when I couldn’t even sing or dance nearly as well as the others. I didn’t even look like anything special. I didn’t measure up so why was I here?

I stepped inside the studio where Baekhyun already was standing, just looking at his sheet of music, quietly singing the melody of the song.

“You ready?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“I think we’ll just play the track today because neither of us have had time to learn the piano part. We can decide who gets to play it some other time.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled. He wouldn’t look at me.

He started singing first and his voice sounded like pure light, making it hard to focus on my own music when I was too busy looking and listening to him. I could tell that he loved singing. He would tense up just a bit on the high notes, as if he didn’t have enough breath. He needed energy. Not eating was making it harder for him to sing. I wouldn’t, I couldn’t let him beat himself up enough to ruin his beautiful voice. He needed me just as much as I needed him even if he didn’t act like it.

Then it was my turn to sing. My voice sounded terrible. Like nails on a chalkboard. Incomparably bad to Baekhyun’s voice. It couldn’t fit with his voice. It wouldn’t. Why did Suho make me sing? Why did he make me sing with Baekhyun? I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sing. Especially not in front of Baekhyun. Vulnerable. Not right now.

The anxiety filled my head and I couldn’t stop the constant speeding stream of thought almost preventing me from singing. I started panicking and my voice stopped. My breathing grew quicker. Breathe Chanyeol. Breathe. One breath at a time. But whatever I could tell myself it could work.

“I can’t do this,” I said to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun looked at me, “Yes you can, Chanyeol. What was wrong with it?”

“My voice. I can’t-” I put my head in my hands, barely able to speak and leaned against the wall, sliding down until I was sitting on the floor. Goddamnit BREATHE. But I couldn’t. My brain simply refused to cooperate.

“Chanyeol, your voice is perfect and real. Keep singing. Try again. You can do this.”

“You’re lying. I can’t do this. I can’t sing in front of you. I can’t sing with you. It doesn’t sound right.”

“It’s okay. We can try again tomorrow.”

“I just sound- I -I sound so-” and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t think.

“Chanyeol, calm down.” But I could barely hear the words come out of his mouth. And my head was still in my knees and he was crouched down beside me but I couldn’t see him.

“I-” and this is what a panic attack was. A thing I had gone years without, since pre-debut. When your heart wouldn’t slow down, the air became thin, and my eyesight went blurry.

“Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Chanyeol, what’s wrong?”

It’s hard to describe. There is nothing much to describe except that you’re so wrapped up in what’s happening to you, thinking you might die, that you can’t focus on anything around you. I was drowning Baekhyun’s voice out, not meaning to. It’s just what was happening. Meaningless incoherent sounds circled inside my brain and I tried to realize they weren’t really there but they wouldn’t go away. I was as real as anything I could experience.

Baekhyun’s voice, “Chanyeol?”

My voice, “Baek, I can’t bre-”

And then his lips were on mine. And my head started to clear and my heart slowed as much as it would allow itself considering what was currently happening. His lips were soft, his hands were on my cheeks, and his hair brushed my forehead. I focused myself on kissing him back while I felt the panic unravel from me.

And when I felt calm, he pulled away.

I looked at him. He looked at me.

“Panic attack?” he asked. He knew. Of course he knew. Baekhyun knew me.

“Panic attack,” I said.

“I thought- I- I’m sorry Chanyeol. I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s fine.”

“No- it’s not. I-”

“Baek. Just shut up.”

He stopped and looked at the floor. It was silent and I closed my eyes for a second, taking everything in before Baekhyun spoke again, “I just have one question.”

“Yeah?”

“Am I a good kisser?” I couldn’t believe he would do this. Mess with my emotions when he had made it clear he didn’t even want to kiss me before.

“What the Baek? Don’t mess with me like-”

“I love you Chanyeol.”

And his lips were on mine again. And I was at peace for that moment.

y/n

This was a little happy at least, right?

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it.

Leave me thoughts, comments, ideas, suggestions, anything. I love any feedback I can get from readers. You would make my day if you left a comment.

Anyways, still trying to decide how to end this fanfic. I just can’t decide. This is a hard decision that I should’ve made before I started writing it.